repeat until death

oh, i've been low, but damnit i bet it don't show //  it was heaven a moment ago

There’s rage. And then there’s sorrow.

And then there’s this unison of the two that causes despair and torments him again and again, the paranoia only growing tenfold, the distinct memory of his father pouring over and over the security tapes of the Grounds in order to make sure everything had gone according to how he’d planned and the shame and upset that comes with wondering if… Maybe, just maybe, his father had been right in that aspect.

You can’t be surprised if you can see everything coming. If you know what to expect.

But for now, he’s too late to prevent what’s already occurred. It leaves a yawning, gaping chasm in him that’s painful in such a way that he can’t stop prodding at. And gods, does Sunjata prod it.

Homecoming feels different this time, now that he has the ruined pieces of Lusea’s lantern in his hands, now that he knows that Kamaria is safe and the house is safe and what had happened hadn’t extended. Perhaps he owes Aurelia something for nearly dying and perhaps preventing anything else from happening.

It’s all these thoughts that buzz in the back of his mind, slipping through the door and locking it behind him swiftly as if it were second nature. The inside of the house has a reddish orange glow from the sunset outside, despite the curtains that block most of the light. Part of it reminds him of fire, another part of it reminds him of blood.

He can’t tell if the iron on his tongue is just a memory or reality.

His shoulders slump, his dragon plates slowly shifting away from his skin into feathers, into his more timid shifts, slipping further into the home, checking on Kamaria and finding that she’s doing fine. At least that makes one of them. But it’s Nate he seeks out, heading for the bedroom, imagining that if he hasn’t found him by now, perhaps he’s in there.

There’s the half covered porch on the other end of their room, and that’s where he finds Nate, making no motions of saying anything other than a quiet Skatjie… when he sets the lantern on the table beside the ashtray, immediately moving on to wrap his arms tightly around his husband, to bury himself into the demigod and pretend that he can be just as small as he feels.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to fall apart when the only person you trust is strong enough to hold you together.

i had it, almost // we had it almost

SUNJATA

'cause the bad's been slowly getting worse

and this fast lane living, it's a curse

Nate is loathe to let Sunjata leave the house alone with everything that’s happened. Argues it, though he stops just short of insisting to tag along. Leaving the house alone feels just as wrong, and... well he gets it. Some things you do alone, some things have to be done alone.

He does insist Pemota goes along, if only to help him keep everything together, if only so Nate can pretend he has a lifeline of some kind.

The house is quiet when he finally feels his companion again, the heady swirl of Sunjata’s emotions following soon after. Kamaria is in bed, Bart and Saartjie wherever they spend the night. Nate doesn’t move from where he is, waits for the tide to bring his love to him, and is not disappointed when Sunjata does, feathers dusting his shoulders. He barely gets the chance to open his arms before Sunjata is pressing against him, Nate lifting his to the table, a painful twang in his chest when he sees the scorched pieces there.

Two sets of arms wrap tightly around Sunjata, pulling him deeper into the seat Nate had been haunting for the better part of the evening. I’ve got you, sonskyn, I’m right here. The words are a steady, even purr, despite the rumbling, protective anger simmering through the bond, an emotion Nate desperately tries to clamp down tight, if only to not burden his husband with it.

better tell me what's your life worth

i think it's time for a change, 'cause the drugs don't work

oh, i've been low, but damnit i bet it don't show //  it was heaven a moment ago

Nate’s his pillar. His statue in the vast sway of his emotions and impulses. He is his tether, and the second he sets that lantern on the table and sinks into his husband’s arms, he latches himself onto him, tight enough that he won’t slip away – knowing the demigod won’t mind. And he doesn’t, not as two sets of arms wrap around him, not as Sunjata sinks into the seat with Nate, trying his best to keep the sensation of his fracturing heart from leaking over toward the Ascended with just as much determination to not let it burden Nate just as much as his husband’s anger is clamped down.

It’s where he breaks apart, the tension in his body seeming to vibrate, the way he seems to curl up against Nate – small and splintered, the cracks within him only growing bigger as the seconds tick on. He takes a deep breath – as deep as he can with the burning in his lungs, with the burning in his throat from how tight it’s been since he’d found the lantern.

Of course, the injuries from the quest to find the Prince hadn’t helped those matters much either.

He feels like a fish out of water with the way he tries to regain his emotions, his composure, nose stuffed and leaving him to swallow air down in mouthfuls as he tries so desperately hard to stay together somewhat. I thought it would be safe there. Even his mental voice is cracked and hoarse, rushed as if he thought that continuing the sentence would make him fall apart again, right after he’d managed to compose himself enough to speak mentally.

Another few sharp inhales of breath, a dampness along Nate’s skin from where he’s buried his face into his neck, into his hair. Ek het nie verder gegaan as toe ek dit gekry het nie. Ek kon nie. Ek – Ek het nodig dat u saam met my kom as ek dit doen. He manages it, but not without the edge of a sorrowful whine, a low thrumming of how fast his heart beats. Dit maak seer, Nate.

i had it, almost // we had it almost

SUNJATA

'cause the bad's been slowly getting worse

and this fast lane living, it's a curse

Nate is nurturing, in his own way. Wants to take care of things, wants to ease the burdens of those he loves, but comfort has never come naturally to him, and it always seems to much harder to grasp in moments like this. It's been a long time since he's seen Sunjata this bad, and this time he doesn't have the easy fix of stubbornness. He still tries though, hands stealing his husbands warmth and massaging it back into him, as if it can help soothe the pangs of loss and grief. Bandaids only, something to cover up the pain, without actually helping the arms that try to hold Sunjata together.

"I know you did Sunny." Nate lets his words sink into Sunjata's hair, his lips brushing against the strands there just so there's something real in the room to cling to. "It should have been." It wasn't your fault is what he means to say, what he presses through the bond without words. "None of this should have happened." None of it needed to happen, and that was the worst of it. It's the most painful part, save for the sense of betrayal that he still stubbornly tries to ignore.

"Dit is goed, sonskyn. Ek sal jou nie weer alleen laat gaan nie, ek sal saam met jou daar wees. Wanneer u ook al gereed is." He almost continues, but a low whine escapes his throat instead, his brows pinching and his jaw working against the hot, protective rage trying to spill from his lips. Ek het jou nou. He promises instead, silently now. Hulle sal nie hiermee wegkom nie. Jy verstaan?

better tell me what's your life worth

i think it's time for a change, 'cause the drugs don't work

oh, i've been low, but damnit i bet it don't show //  it was heaven a moment ago

Sunjata’s never been allowed to be taken care of. It’s something that had been ingrained from such a young age, with the repercussions his mother had faced when she’d extended too far, when she’d cared too much. But it was also why his mother had been the only thing of his youth – aside from Saartjie – to give him some semblance of understanding what it was like. And he can feel it now, despite his husband’s difficulties in wording what he wants to say, Sunjata can understand. He can read between the lines, if for nothing else but because they’re the same in that regard.

It should have been safe. It should have been safe.

It should have been hidden away in a space that so few knew of, tucked away. And yet? It had burned, crumbled, gotten destroyed, and it felt like his heart had been torn out over again. He wonders why it even matters, not when he’d never needed a lantern to remind himself of Lusea, not when he had Nate and this new family, one that he thinks she’d be proud of if she could see it, and yet the physical reminder felt like it was the only thing he’d had left of her.

In a way, it was.

He’s thankful for Nate’s voice that cuts through it, thankful that Nate’s never hated the fact he’d held onto it, that he understood what it meant for him to remind himself of her. It has his arms tightening around Nate, fingers clutching wherever he can reach. He recovers enough of his composure to simply feel sullen and still, like a stone deposited on the edge of a riverbank, smoothed by its tossing and turning.

Perhaps it’s Nate’s protective rage that flickers something else in Sunjata, something that soothes and stokes the protective flames of his dragon shift, this quiet approval that takes over the sorrow just before, enough for Sunjata to pull himself together and pull his head back, red ringed gaze finding Nate’s face, hand rising to thread through dark raven curls, before he’s crashing his face against Nate’s, cheek to cheek, holding him tightly there. I understand. There’s more resolve in his words than there had been earlier – as if Nate’s glue had worked in keeping him together, even if he doesn’t move an inch away from his husband’s lap, not an inch away from where he feels the safest.

But where do we start? He asks dimly through the mental bond, sniffling to try and draw everything back in, as if his tears and sorrow had leaked out too much and Sunjata’s shifting his focus into placing patches over the cracks and the holes in his composure.

And if Nate looks closely, he might feel the way Sunjata seems to slowly build that Korofi mask up, piece by brittle, broken piece.

i had it, almost // we had it almost

SUNJATA

'cause the bad's been slowly getting worse

and this fast lane living, it's a curse

Calm washes over Sunjata slowly, something in Nate soothing to feel it. He remembers the last time they’d come close to this edge, after Apopo. Remembers how bad it had been. Remembers feeling terrified, and powerless.

Hates that it feels like nothing has changed.

Nate doesn’t know if this is Sunjata asking for help, or simply a place where he wants to feel in control. Nates not sure what he would want. He’s not even fucking sure what he does want. We start where we can. He offers after a moment, feeling useless for it. We’ll go together, find anything else worth finding, and... put it back together. It sounds so simple, so easy, Nate very nearly believes himself.

It will not be simple or easy. The Slagveld is a raw wound in more ways than one, and trying to take care of it is going to be like digging a finger into it. Nate leans into his husbands cheek and sighs through his nose, his eyes squeezing closed.

If he hadn’t been doing the same thing himself, Nate isn’t sure he’d recognize the feeling of Sunjata pulling the pieces of himself back together, building a wall, and that terrifies him. There is a hiccup through the bond, Nate trying to steel himself before he shifts on the seat, leaning back and tugging Sunjata to lay on him. He stays carefully cheek to cheek, hands moving instead to press through the attuned’s hair and cradle his head.

“I love you.” The words come out of Nate in a fierce, choked whisper, curling against Sunjata’s ear like a secret. “I’ve got you Sunny, I always will. I’ll keep you safe.” And if he couldn’t and he so, so often couldn’t then he would be there to put the pieces back together. He’d be there and help put the mask together again.

better tell me what's your life worth

i think it's time for a change, 'cause the drugs don't work

oh, i've been low, but damnit i bet it don't show //  it was heaven a moment ago

Nate breaks it down with ease, into bite sized pieces that make it seem like it isn’t as daunting of a task as it is. It makes it seem like something they could both accomplish rather than the wreckage of piles upon piles that felt like it went forever. It becomes less overwhelming but only because of the Ascended, and for that Sunjata’s quietly grateful. It helps calm him, now that the tears have long stopped.

His chest feels tight in a way that’s not combined with his injuries, but soothed by the doctor all the same. The Attuned is pulled against Nate, draped over him in a spread of feathers that sprout along his shoulders, ones that flicker to his back as his Pegasus form’s wings flare out before drooping in a blanket of sorts that covers them both – the long primary feathers spread against the ground of their porch while his arms tighten around Nate’s middle, clasp at the back, and he buries himself in the comfort Nate offers him cheek to cheek.

The fierce, choked whisper is one that Sunjata clings to, a sound and a memory that he tucks into a box to remind himself that even if everyone else turned out to be a liar – this… This wasn’t it. I love you too. Even through the attuned bond it’s a whisper, something quiet and oddly boyish, a mixture from the mask that he pieces up piece by piece. His arms squeeze around Nate, his head tilting enough that his lips can brush against Nate’s cheek, before he buries his head into the crook of Nate’s neck and closes his eyes tight.

Nate…? The thought is sudden, so bright in comparison that he almost flinches from it – but sometimes from the Attuned bond it’s hard to keep his tongue, to keep his sudden, impulsive thoughts from appearing and shouting straight through the bond. I can’t… I don’t want to keep… Doing this alone. He’s stumbling as he tries to figure it out, fingers pressing into Nate’s sides as it steadies him.

Do you want to be Governor with me?

i had it, almost // we had it almost

SUNJATA

'cause the bad's been slowly getting worse

and this fast lane living, it's a curse

Feathers wrap around them while he shifts, Nate letting out a soft breath as he takes in the multi hued feathers. A near wordless distraction drifts through his mind, a soft pretty before they settle again. He is more than content to be squeezed, to reciprocate, though no matter how he tries his grip is just barely on the wrong side of too tight. I know you do, sonskyn.

Nate doesn’t startle at the near shout of his name through the bond, his fingers simply pressing through the length of curling hair a little more intensely, tying to soothe as much as he can. A soft sound hums out of him, waiting for Sunjata to continuing and growing still, guilty when he does. Was he slacking somewhere? How did Sunjata feel alone? How had he missed it?

The hands on him do little to soothe the churning in Nate’s guts, and he finally feels that belated shock as the attuned continues again. Do... do I...? Nate repeated softly, trying to force the idea through his mind. Yes. The force of his own answer is another surprise, but as soon as he shares it he’s positive. What better way to support Sunjata, to take some weight from his shoulders?

better tell me what's your life worth

i think it's time for a change, 'cause the drugs don't work

oh, i've been low, but damnit i bet it don't show //  it was heaven a moment ago

The too tight squeeze might edge toward hurt if Sunjata wasn’t hurting anywhere else, but right now it’s a dull thought amongst the rest, it only brings Sunjata closer, arms tightening around the Ascended, fingers digging into the hollow of Nate’s hip along his back, one hand rising to brush along the sun scar left behind from only last season. It had felt like a lifetime ago.

But he struggles, it’s difficult to ask his question, to figure out how to word it. And he knows, he realizes, how wrong he airs it initially if only based by how still Nate grows. It wasn’t an attack on him. It wasn’t ever an attack on him. All Sunjata wanted was to not have to weigh the Governorship on his own. And it would do well, wouldn’t it? To prove that they were stronger together as had often been the case.

The repetition has Sunjata nuzzling his face in closer – his feathers flaring a fraction as if he wonders if Nate will deny that option. He thinks that he’d understand if he did. It was a lot, difficult to handle some days, a challenge despite everything. It was exhausting, it’s only been a year. He wonders if it’s fitting.

The Day Governor and the Night Governor.

The answer is a yes that has Sunjata nestling in closer, wings wrapping around them a bit tighter, his face buried quite comfortably into a nest of dark curls and cool skin. I already look to you to make decisions. I think… It just makes it official. Easier. Better. He murmurs softly through the bond, taking a deep inhale that burns against his throat, before his head’s lifting to scan Nate’s face.

i had it, almost // we had it almost

SUNJATA

'cause the bad's been slowly getting worse

and this fast lane living, it's a curse

Yes comes easily, unbidden and certain, and still Nate has to take a moment to really let it sink in. It’s... a lot, all at once, and not something he’d had the foresight to imagine. As far as public faces go, he’s happy not being top of the chain, but this is for Sunjata, and it’s not even close to the out edges of anything.

Besides, the attuned is right. Official is good. Makes it easier on you. Theres a new tone to Nate’s voice, to his side of the bond, delicate, in a way that seems almost wrong for him. Gentle, and nurturing, and trembling beneath it all. Sunjata shifts away, though a space that lasts only a breath before the ascended is pressing their foreheads together. We’ll shoulder it together, right? I’ll take care of you and, and you... Nate goes still, false breath stopped in his throat and his gaze unblinking.

His tongue dips out to wet his lips after a moment, though the words still come out dry when he gets them out. “I’ll take care of you.”

better tell me what's your life worth

i think it's time for a change, 'cause the drugs don't work

oh, i've been low, but damnit i bet it don't show //  it was heaven a moment ago

It does make it easier on him. And there’s a part of him that sounds so much like his father that tells him it’s a mistake – that he shouldn’t lean on others as much as he does, even if he wholly loves the other with every ounce of himself. But he’s said it, laid out the offer, and it has been accepted. Sunjata can panic about what it means later – whether Nate had truly wanted it or if he’d fallen apart so far that Nate had felt he needed to say yes.

So he lifts his head, Nate meeting him almost immediately – their foreheads pressed together and Sunjata finds himself closing his eyes – breathing him in as if Nate was the solution to the way his body seems to tremble. But Nate cuts off and it’s a sensation that has Sunjata’s gaze lifting – trying to peer through the blurriness of how close they are, despite how draped upon him he is, his locked hands at Nate’s back giving him a squeeze as the reinforcement of the demigods words leave him.

And I’ll take care of you, Skatjie. It’s aired quietly, Sunjata finally managing to get a few mouthfuls of air in his lungs to steady him, moving to sit up a bit more so that he can actually focus on Nate’s face. His arms find Nate’s shoulders, moving to wrap around his neck instead as his wings rise to shroud them as if it blocks them from the world.

I, uh, Aurelia’s a hybrid now. She’s attuned… He trails off, sniffling away the lingering sense of his breakdown as if he can simply sweep it under the rug. So I didn’t have to talk aloud. Throat still hurts, though. Feels like talking through sandpaper. His lips quirk, pursing slightly in his displeasure with such a thing, before his shoulders rise and fall in a shrug.

i had it, almost // we had it almost

SUNJATA

'cause the bad's been slowly getting worse

and this fast lane living, it's a curse

Silence fills Nate’s side of the bond for a moment, somehow surprised by the words. He’d known they were coming, known he’d left it hanging and Sunjata would be eager to finish off the sentiment, but actually hearing it does something... strange to him, to the twist of emotions in him. It feels dangerous, in a way that things haven’t been yet, and Nate doesn’t know why it’s coming up now, why he feels that horrible choking sensation now.

The swoop of shadowed wings closing around them plants Nate back in the moment, his hands clenching where they hold his husband. I know you will. He offers, distracted and late. His gaze is still distant, locked on Sunjata without seeing him. Now that they’re away from the sun, light flickers through his skin, concentrating where arms press against his shoulders and neck in a warm glow.

Is she? The words come just a breath too late again, one of Nate’s hands lifting to card through the hair at the back of his husbands neck, a slow, distracted motion. Even in the midst of his own strangeness, he tries to soothe Sunjata’s, tries to chase the last of the breakdown away. I knew about her face, but... good for her.

Until now, Nate’s been going through motions, responding automatically; only when Sunjata says it stills hurts does he snap up, his hand moving around the attuned’s head to cup his cheek. Do you want anything? A drink, something to soothe it? Whatever he can offer right now. If he has to carry Sunjata down to the kitchen to make it happen, he will.

better tell me what's your life worth

i think it's time for a change, 'cause the drugs don't work

oh, i've been low, but damnit i bet it don't show //  it was heaven a moment ago

Sunjata peers at his husband, finding him halfway there and halfway not, and there’s a distraction that sits within it that has him wishing he could take it away just as much as Nate wished he could take Sunjata’s pain over finding the lantern away. But it’s a strange impasse – the two of them so good at setting things aside, burying them under rugs and hidden away in shadows, only to show when one of them blew, that it’s a conversation he can’t have. And he knows it’s a conversation Nate can’t have.

And all he can do is simply try to soothe it with his hands, the only way he knows how, just as Nate does the same for him. His wings shroud in, blocking out the light from the last dredges of the sun as it sets, and Sunjata’s arms drape over his husband’s shoulders, suddenly spying the brief flickering of what looks like lightning from where his arms rest. It has him cocking his head, his curiosity outweighing the rest of everything. He nearly forgets he’s been speaking of Aurelia with the way his gaze snaps up to meet Nate’s face again, right when the demigod cups his cheek.

Tea, maybe in a little bit? He asks quietly, still distracted, making absolutely no move to stand or remove himself from where he is. Instead, his arms pull away from where he’s looped them around Nate’s shoulders to run his fingers in a line along the top of his shoulder, one that trails back up to his cheek, watching the sparking bits of light shoot out and remain a few seconds after he’s moved.

So of course, this becomes the best of all other distractions as his gaze dances between Nate’s skin and his face. This is new… He hums, pressing his hand to Nate’s neck, pulling it away to see his handprint begin to fade, before both his hands rise to cup Nate’s jaw, watching the sparks linger beneath them, bright and glowing. It's like a... Uh, plasma lamp. That's at least what they called them in Korofi. But then, as he still experiments, a thought occurs. He surges forward suddenly, surprising even himself, as he aims to press a kiss to Nate’s lips, pulling away quickly to see if it will react the same.

i had it, almost // we had it almost

SUNJATA

'cause the bad's been slowly getting worse

and this fast lane living, it's a curse

If there was breath to catch in his throat, it would have when their eyes meet, the edges of Nate’s smile growing just a touch easier as he looks upon his husband. “We can do tea in a little bit. I made a new blend actually, with some new things from Ray.” His lips stretch wider the longer he talks, the longer Sunjata’s finger trace soft touches agaisnt his skin.

A plasma lamp? Nate hums, moving a hand so he can inspect it closely while Sunjata performs his own experiments. One of which is apparently a there and gone again kiss, the ascended’s lips illuminated for a brief moment before he whines and surges forward himself, crashing their lips together again. Hands move to cup the attuned’s head, keeping him in place so Nate could lavish attention upon him.

Unfortunately for Nate, he is more aware than ever of the hoarse wheeze in Sunjata’s breath, the shallowness of it. He shifts, lips pressing to the corner of Sunjata’s mouth, then his cheek, his jaw. All the way down to the steady beat of his heart. Nate licks and kisses superficial marks into an expanse of skin already thoroughly claimed by himself. Some slow, careful mood has seized him though, the neediness of his mouth feeling less like he’s asking for permission to add another pair of silvery scars, and more like something else.

better tell me what's your life worth

i think it's time for a change, 'cause the drugs don't work