go by feel

This scar I can't reverse, when the more it heals the worse it hurts

One of Remi's large hands sweeps across the back of Isla's head, holding her against him as the other wraps easily around her back. All he can think of is how he loves her, and how he misses her. That he hates being the cause of her tears. "Isla—" He hums against the top of her head in a softly imploring tone. "Isla I love and adore you, but...just because you have the ability to kill me, does not make me easy to kill." He thinks he could probably endure whatever she could throw at him with his hands tied behind his back and blindfolded. Without the use of a single ability, he thinks he could still defeat her in a way that would leave them both alive.

'Are you sure?' He wonders down at her with a slow and boyish smile. "I feel very hittable for what I have done." Pressing his lips to her forehead, Remi begins the uncomfortable process of explaining what had happened. Explaining how he'd been at the shrine to complete part of his quest for Ludo. How Hotaru had come to pray as well, and how he'd naively said he'd help her if he could. "...They said it was a race to orgasm. When I asked how she wanted me, I.." He flushes out of guilt, rather than embarrassment. "..I had meant my tongue or my hands." Remi adds softly. "But she..." Well. What she'd done was obvious enough. "And when she was finished, Frey looked just like Ronin...I thought only of what I was seeing and the consequences of failing to do what Frey had demanded." I'm gay. I did not think I would get her pregnant. It is never something I have ever had to think about.

REMI

ISLA

She wishes that his words were as comforting as he wants them to be. His touch, at least, does everything that words can't, and she's able to compose herself enough to speak even if she has no intention of stepping away from him. Perhaps she should, though, given what she says next. "Remi, I have scalpels in my fingers and I know where all your major arteries are," she whispers. "And I'm close enough right now to reach all of them. If anything ever happens where I'm not in control of myself, for whatever reason..."

Isla shakes her head again. Powerful as the Lullaby might be, he can bleed just like everyone else. Still, with wet cheeks flushed silver, she accepts the kiss to her forehead - and his explanation, as it all comes tumbling out. To hear it was part of a shrine has her eyes widening, and suddenly Isla feels very silly indeed. "Oh gods, Remi - I'm so sorry." The apology rushes out of her as she moves to hug him again. "What a mess for you. What... how did Ronin take it?"

apres moi le deluge
after me comes the flood

This scar I can't reverse, when the more it heals the worse it hurts

"You are a doctor, mm? So lets work this out." There was his jugular and the main vein in one of his legs, but that was about the extent of Remi's knowledge. "You have two hands, so you could slash two arteries at the same time, we will say." It's such a macabre thing to be discussing, and yet Remi finds himself utterly soothed by it. 'You know my build. Roughly what I weigh. How long would you think I had?" He doesn't add if I was normal, because they both know that Isla will already take it into account during her calculations. "A few seconds, at least?"

She isn't warm in his arms, but that she is in his arms, is more than enough for him. "Not well as you can imagine. He does not want this child. Neither do I, but...I will be able to love it in a way that Ronin will not. Them, if the fact that Hotaru has already had two sets of twins is anything to go by."

REMI

ISLA

It shouldn't be much of a surprise to Remi that Isla latches onto the chance to think practically and logically, the medic furrowing her brow as she smooths out the creases she's undoubtedly made in the back of his shirt. "You would be dead in two minutes," she murmurs. "You would lose consciousness before that, though. Dizziness and confusion would set in within thirty seconds or so. Long enough to call for help, perhaps, but not long enough to live." One artery would have been enough, in her medical opinion.

For some reason them is worse than just the possibility of one, and Isla winces, holding him a touch closer. "This sounds like a complication that you probably didn't need in your life right now. Or ever," she mumbles, leaning up to kiss his cheek. "I'm so sorry that I was weird when you first got here," she tells him. And, belatedly, she realises she hasn't told him how she knows. "I went to visit Nate in Torchline, because his clinic caught fire too. He told me."

apres moi le deluge
after me comes the flood

This scar I can't reverse, when the more it heals the worse it hurts

"Well it just so happens that thirty seconds is plenty of time. So unless you have a way of stopping my abilities, your claws and knowledge of my body is not enough." Ronin could heal. Vai could heal. He could be with them in an instant if and when he needed to, and neither would need things explained for them if he suddenly showed up bloody and on the brink of death.

"I did not want more children." Remi whispers against her, growing stiff before shivering. It wasn't a complication. It was...too big to be captured by any one word. At least none that Remi knew of.

Smiling into her kiss, the alchemist stills as Isla mentions Nate. It hadn't escaped his attention that she hadn't answered his question, chalking it up simply to the chaos of the moment. To hear that it was Nate, though, has him wondering if it wasn't more strategic than that. "Stronzo." Remi snarls viciously, straightening but not pulling away. "Gods, he just can't let it go." Feathering his jaw, feathers outnumber curls almost instantly as Remi turns his eyes hatefully up toward the ceiling.

REMI

ISLA

Isla wishes she could feel as reassured as Remi obviously wants her to be. But she isn't so sure - of course Ronin and Vai could heal, but would they be available and conveniently asleep for him to be able to travel to them? Would his body wait, bleeding out and sleeping, while he meandered through the dream world? She doesn't think so. "It's more than that, besides," she mumbles, shaking her head. "Wessex has worked with the Voice to keep members of the Order out of the Hollowed Grounds. They are going to do the same for you."

Her eyes drop towards the floor, the wordless and I can't stop them going unsaid. Giving him a gentle squeeze to hear what Isla had already known - that Remi didn't want more children - she is surprised by the sudden lance of hatred that rages through his voice, through the way his body stiffens. "He didn't... it wasn't to spite you, I don't think?" Gazing up at him, Isla tilts her head a bit. "...Why did you tell him before you told me, if you didn't want me to find out by accident?"

apres moi le deluge
after me comes the flood

This scar I can't reverse, when the more it heals the worse it hurts

He can feel her uncertainty as bright as anything. Hopefully, this smugness won't one day be his downfall. "Two hands to cut down arteries. One in my neck, one in my leg. I am faster and stronger than you, Isla. And it is not often you have your hands in those places anymore." Remi adds. Even were the Voice to take her over, it would be an obvious enough thing if Isla suddenly began groping between his legs.

With a laugh, Remi raises a brow, clearly surprised to hear he was worth wasting their time on. "Me? Why?" Given how long it had taken the Grounds to complete their first quest, the alchemist isn't particularly worried about being barricaded away any time soon.

"No? Then why. Why would he tell you?" Remi wonders, teeth grating together as he glances down at her. It's hard to maintain his sneer, staring into her pebble blue eyes, and he rather hates the way she's able to steal away his anger. "Because I bumped into him, and we...had words. She was his ex-wife, and I wanted him to hear it from me so that he could place it in the timeline. That he did not think I had sex with her to get back at him. And because he also deserved to hear it from me."

REMI

ISLA

She can't help the way that makes her smile, Isla nudging him a bit and leaning in again to hug him. "Well, if I ever randomly start to let my hands wander up your inner thigh, you'll know that you ought to shove me away," she murmurs. Her trepidation won't be quelled entirely, but it's enough for her to drop the issue. For now, at least. That being said, however, she does furrow her brow to hear how lightheartedly he is taking the things that have been tearing her up since she heard them.

"You know why, Remi. Please be serious about this," she mumbles. "I think it would be safer if we found another place to see each other. Somewhere away from the Grounds and the Greatwood." Torchline or Halo are the obvious options, but they could always try somewhere further afield.

Isla holds his gaze, peering up at him to hear his reasons, her hands pressing against his chest. "Was he sworn to secrecy, then?" she wonders, before shaking her head. "It doesn't change anything, either way. I know, and I'm sorry that it's made your life so complicated. And I understand, now that you've had a chance to explain."

apres moi le deluge
after me comes the flood

This scar I can't reverse, when the more it heals the worse it hurts

It should make him laugh, but Remi's smile is tight and humourless as he nods. Even after having re-pledged everything he was and wanted to Ronin, there are parts of him that are still healing from the fallout between he and Isla. Parts of him that wishes to have savoured what there was when it was still in his grasp. 'I already know I ought to shove you away.' Perhaps Isla's relationship with Varus was better timed than either of them knew.

"I am being serious. I have done nothing against the ascended or the Hollowed Ground ever." Bristling slightly, Remi tilts his head. Perhaps it was just his ego or testosterone, but the fact that his openness and honesty was being met with resistenance, only made him want to push back all the more. "Taking you away from those who need you here?" He frowns doubtfully, only just managing to keep himself from saying, How are they going to stop me?

"Why are you defending him?" Remi wonders, realizing that not for the first time, Isla was jumping to Nate's defence. "He and Hotaru are not together. This happened long after they parted, so what possible reason could he have to mention it all to you?"

REMI

ISLA

There's the sting. Isla nods and smiles back to Remi, her hands drifting to his biceps to give them a gentle squeeze before she does step back properly, though she gestures for them to sit together in the comfortable chairs that have made it back into her office over the past few days. "I know you haven't. But I also know that if Ludo told you that you needed to come in here and set fire to every building, occupied or not, under penalty of Mateo's life, you would do it. Would you not?" She raises her eyebrows up at him.

As for taking her away from the Grounds, Isla can only wave a hand absently. "I am not the only one leading," she says. "I am sure a day every now and then won't cause the infrastructure to collapse."

But then they are onto the subject of Nate, and Isla's jaw sets. "If you were anyone else, I would tell you it was confidential," she murmurs. "He mentioned a lot of things to me when I went to visit him. I'm not sure he even knew how much he was sharing at the time. He isn't well, Remi. And I am a doctor, so I am helping."

apres moi le deluge
after me comes the flood

This scar I can't reverse, when the more it heals the worse it hurts

Wanting to rake his claws down the invisible wall back up between them, Remi just presses his teeth hard enough together that he thinks he hears them cracking as he exhales. Sinking down into the chair next to her, no longer touching her which he both understands and hates, Remi tries not to further agitate the sensitive skin around his fingers that he's chewed raw. "Of course. I would tell you first, though." As if knowing what she might say next, Remi glances over his shoulder at her quickly before looking away. "And if I was sworn to secrecy? Well. I was never made to be stealthy, was I? Manticores can be quite loud, and I can be quite clumsy."

Shaking his head and pressing his eyes closed for a moment, Remi attempts another steadying breath. "I meant as a medic." He could give a fuck about the leadership of the Grounds.

Glancing at her sharply, Remi's jaw similarly sets. "Well you already bypassed confidentiality earlier." He points out stubbornly. "How very very sad for Nate that he is unwell. But you have not given me any reason to think he did not do it out of spite. You do not know how things are between us, Isla."

REMI

ISLA

"You are coming across as very cocksure, Remi. It isn't a good look on you," Isla says quietly, folding her hands in her lap. "The rest of us down here on the ground don't have the privilege of hulking strength and speed and immortality. And whether or not you were given time to tell me, I would still be left with dozens of burned buildings and hundreds of homeless, traumatised citizens waiting for you to come back."

They are beginning to rile each other up all over again, and the silver points in Isla's cheeks betray as much. "It is none of my business, how things are between you two. Especially when it comes to my job," she reminds him. "If being angry at Nate is more important to you right now, then by all means go and find him and tell him how you feel. But please don't get your hackles up because I'm not acting exactly the way you'd like me to."

apres moi le deluge
after me comes the flood

This scar I can't reverse, when the more it heals the worse it hurts

Looking intently at her, Isla suddenly seems a different person altogether. She looks exactly the same, and yet it's as if the lack of warmth that normally accompanies her touch has somehow settled into the blue of her eyes. It makes him feel cold and hot and angry and disparaged all in the same instant. "Are you listening to yourself? You go from crying in my arms to calling me names all in a matter of minutes." He replies, exasperated. "I am asking you to be my friend, Isla. But all you seem to do with me now is hold me at arm's length and treat me like some patient to be managed. I come here to tell you about a pregnancy I neither wanted nor had planned, only to be tossed into a discussion of how everyone is thinking about ways you might kill me and how I am not welcome here anymore. Is it really too much to ask that you might throw me a bone with a simple, sure, maybe Nate should not have said that? or Now is clearly not a good time to talk about something as big as the fact that you aren't welcome here anymore, so let's put a pin in that."

Running his fingers across his brow bone and having to resist the urge to let his talons dig into his own skin, Remi lets his hand flop back into his lap with a sigh. "What should I do then, Isla? If not raise my hackles? How many more times today do I need to ask you to be my friend instead of.." Again he's left just vaguely gesturing at her and frowning. Medic. Leader. Ascended.

REMI

ISLA

Isla blinks at him, incredulous and unsure. "I have been afraid for your life," she says softly. "I'm sorry if you find that laughable given how strong you are these days, but I've been worried about you. And you are just as capable of asking to put a pin in the conversation, you don't have to wait for me to do it for you," she points out, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

Sagging back into the chair, suddenly she can't meet Remi's eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed me to be, today," she murmurs. Never mind that he had shown up and simply expected it from her without considering her state of mind. "It has been a very stressful season, and I wasn't expecting you to just walk in. I panicked a little."

apres moi le deluge
after me comes the flood