Just give me a reason

I'll leave my love hidden in the sun

Seren listened quietly, and only allowed a faint sigh when Hotaru went silent. There was much to take in, as always when she spoke to Hotaru, and she recognized some things that might otherwise have gone by unnoticed, after the talk with Safrin.

“I can’t help but notice that you seem torn, when it comes to my mother,” the girl said slowly. “You told me you love Safrin, but you also want to keep a distance. You don’t want to be beholden to her. You want to be loved, and forgiven, but you also do not want to approach her.

"Have you even tried to apologize to her, for what you have said? What you have done? You rejected her the same moment you rejected Kamaria, and stabbed Sunjata. I understand that you were in pain, and shocked and grieving, but Hotaru… That does not give you the right to take your pain out on others. Not ever. Especially not on the man Safrin chose to be the father of her child.”

This was a conversation they’d had before, and Seren had not changed her stance on the matter. It felt more important than ever that they were on the same page, in the light of what was about to happen in Halo.

“You said that you will aid Deimos in any way you can. What does that mean, specifically? Are you going to kill Morgan? Are you going to take her place as Warden? That you even tell me this… I assume it means that you want my help, in some way. I want to know everything you have in mind, please.”

It was not said in a harsh tone, but Seren’s expression was so grave that it might as well have been a demand.

For when the darkness comes

SEREN

my held breath fills the room with blood

hurting in ways I can't describe

She is not the only one to have not changed her stance.

“Of course I am torn. Where I came from, our Gods never judged us based on our forms. Here? She has never answered me. Nobody but Frey ever gave me a chance as an Abandoned. Do you know how hard it is to keep your faith in light of such silence?” Shaking her head she frowns heavily. “Your judgment doesn’t change who I am Seren. Safrin curses those who displease and offend her at shrines. Is that not the same as an eye for an eye? Not everyone in this world can afford to be kind and forgiving.” Soldiers in coming wars especially.

“I didn’t want Sunjata to be beholden. I didn’t want him torn between his allegiance to her, and a child with an Ascended. I never rejected Kamaria - I left, but I never held any ill will for her. And I don’t regret stabbing Sunjata. Not when he offered it long ago. Not when it’s a language we both speak. I know that is a point of contention - perhaps she will not forgive me, because I damn Sunjata the way I do. But that is something I have to accept, if that is to be the way things are. My anger is only for him, even if that implies I believe she has bad taste in men.” The shrug of her shoulders would otherwise seem humorous were it not for the severity of the topic.

“You can love someone and disagree with their actions. Just as you disagree with my choice to hurt those who hurt me once they’ve crossed a certain line. Just as Remi threatens Nate’s life to ensure the safety of others. Not everyone takes the high ground.” Seren is surrounded by family that would do the same. Hotaru wonders how she will feel when she realizes that.

“I would never kill Morgan. She has done a wonderful job, allegiances aside. But she cannot be persuaded to change her views, and that puts an entire land of people in danger. My allegiance is to those people, and to the Old Gods. My feelings for one woman can’t overshadow that.” They had once had many Ascended citizens, but now their numbers have dwindled to hardly anything at all. “Deimos does not want to lead. Not after we ruled together. He wants me to instead, yes.” And from there she outlines the general plan they have, sketched moments before she went to Torchline to face Sunjata and Nate.

my heart bends and breaks

so many, many times

HOTARU

I'll leave my love hidden in the sun

Seren’s jaw jutted stubbornly, refusing to accept that a knife was the only solution towards hurt feelings. As for the faltering faith… That did make her sigh, but not for the same reasons.
“Do you know why she is wary towards the Abandoned? I am sure you have heard the story, but the Voice used to be one. A mortal woman, just like you. Acquired, they called it back then. When she went against the gods, and used her magic to elevate herself and defy their will and the balance they have created, it cast a shadow over all who possessed that spark. The potential is there for anyone else to do the same, and they cannot forget it.”

Lowering her hands into the lap, to fidget as she spoke, Seren took a deep breath. "I think it’s unfair, to be honest. Mother sees the presence of magic as a blight, something that crept into a soul and damaged it. Whether that’s accurate or not I don’t know, but I don’t think magic makes someone broken.

"It’s beautiful, and has so much potential… But unfortunately, you who possess it have to earn any trust given from the gods. Especially my mother, I think. It’s not something you can be impatient about."

Tension that had temporarily vansihed suddenly returned, and Seren turned herself around somewhat, to face the other woman more directly.

“What I do see as a problem is that you seem to place yourself on the same level as Safrin. A Herald, a goddess of this land. You talk about forgiving her, as if that is something you deign yourself to do, or can grant. I don’t know what your old gods were like, what part they played in your homeland, but don’t you think it’s a little bit arrogant to assume you can ever understand any of their actions enough to actually see the whole picture?” Acceptance was all they should ever feel. Acceptance and faith, because their human perspectives were so short that the larger scope of things would forever be obscured.

“I also worry that you are going to bring this lack of forgiveness into the way you lead Halo. If you should end up the new Warden… what prevents you from repeating the same mistakes as you have in the past? Will you stab another ruler for breaking a promise? Are you going to risk the lives of its citizens the way you risked Atlas - by leaping into action based on your emotions?

If you are going to lead a region devoted to Safrin and the Old Gods… how are you going to change your ways, Hotaru? What am I being asked to help create here?”

For when the darkness comes

SEREN

my held breath fills the room with blood

hurting in ways I can't describe

“I know exactly why. But do you think spurning them is the right answer? Making people feel lost and forgotten? That only creates breeding grounds for resentment. For people to turn to The Voice, who uses her kindness as a weapon of its own. The reason she has so many followers is because many of them were spurned by Old Gods in the first place. That is very dangerous. And I’m not saying I don’t understand why they chose to do it with all The Voice destroyed, but am I not living proof?” Shifting to face Seren a bit more straight on, Hotaru takes a deep breath to collect her thoughts.

“The Voice was the first to ever answer me - not with a visit, but with a presence. I was so desperate, I would have taken anything, even when someone just like her killed my children and destroyed my homeland. I Attuned to Frey because they were the only one to truly give me a chance by appearing physically.” And if they hadn’t, Hotaru may well have Ascended. It’s a terrifying prospect but one she hopes impresses the gravity of to Seren. “In contrast, I don’t find them judging a race of faithful people by one person fair either for all I accepted it and tried to show my faith despite it. It’s an impasse.”

Seren clearly misunderstood what she had said, and Hotaru interjects, shaking her head and holding up a hand immediately. “No. I never said I was above her or that I needed to forgive her. I meant that entirely for my old goddess; and even before I forgave her, I understood and believed her when she said their deaths were for a greater purpose. I had my faith, even in my grief.” Is that not the ultimate test of faith? Of loyalty? To look past the worst kind of pain, of personal attacks, and still believe it happened for a grander reason? “I said that Safrin may never forgive me, for the way I view Sunjata and always will. But even if she hates me eternally, I will still respect her. Love her. I cannot force her to change her mind, but it will not change mine.” Hopefully that would make things clearer for the girl.

“You know nothing of my ruling style Seren. And little of me, realistically. You’re making many assumptions based on the lowest point of my life.” And she is too maternal to feel hurt or betrayed by that. Seren is still young, for all the weight of the mantle on her shoulders. “I have never been, and never will be, that flippant with the lives of my people. There is no matter of changing my ways. I defend my people with my life. I support them from the ground up, not sequestered away in a palace. I give them everything of me, and want to see them grow into the best versions of themselves. To be united as a kingdom. I have ruled more years than you have been alive my girl - I did not keep my throne by being a foolish leader.” The comment about Atlas does make her turn away however, jaw feathering as she fights for restraint.

“You are being intentionally cruel with your words. Atlas was there to prevent anyone from entering and being harmed. To ensure the building that burned would be empty. Do not belittle his sacrifice, or me for my mistake. He was a soul like any other.” Shaking her head she grits her teeth. “Politics are very different from personal betrayals, and I would not react the same way. You must make your judgment based on what you already know of me. Promises mean nothing when I could just as easily be lying to you.” Which leaves the ball in Seren’s court.

my heart bends and breaks

so many, many times

HOTARU

I'll leave my love hidden in the sun

The starchild’s expression softened slightly as Hotaru clarified. She had misunderstood, made assumptions based on stray words plucked out of context. It lessened some of her worries, but did not erase all of them.
“I am sorry that you were made to feel alone,” she offered, her tone warming with sympathy that was never far away, despite how intense the conversation was becoming. “I… can’t say I understand your desperation for recognition. But that is probably on me, because I have never felt lonely that way. I do know the feeling of wanting to trust people I meet for the first time, and I am really glad that you chose to stay with Frey.” It did speak for Hotaru that she made that choice… though the choice of deity hardly endeared her with Safrin. Seren was unconcerned about that, she was relatively unbiased when it came to the other Heralds.

“Like I said, I don’t agree with the way the Acquired have been treated. I would change that, if I could. I offered Deimos to speak to mother about it, and did so too… though I don’t know how much of a different it makes. I also talked to a Fae diplomat, about possibly offering the Abandoned a haven in the Greatwood. They already live with magic, and in attunement with the Gods. Perhaps something can grow from there... ” She shrugged, wishing there was more she could do. Maybe the war would change things. If the Voice was removed, and her shadow no longer hovered over the other magic users - but that was impossible to know for sure.

When it came to Atlas, however, and Hotaru’s past experience as a ruler… the girl could only shake her head.
“You are right, I don’t know much about you,” she agreed. Softly, and a little sad - they should have had a chance to talk about the past before any of this had to be addressed. “That is why I have only your current lowest points to go by. And Hotaru, you have to admit that it doesn’t make you look very good. I am not trying to belittle Atlas, not at all. Nor am I trying to be cruel. It is because he was a soul that I worry about the choices you made. You call them mistakes, and I am sure it was. Reckless, and foolish, with much too high a cost.

"If you take that risk with your own companion… and with yourself... how can I believe you will not endanger other people the same way? A Warden have to live for its people, not jump into the fray personally and die a glorious martyr death. Who will do that if you sacrifice yourself and pieces of your soul? If you are reckless in personal matters… What I’m trying to say is, will ruling not become a personal matter, too?”

The fire had begun to burn low. Reaching for the pile to add another log to it, Seren took a moment to breathe, and collect herself.

“I want to believe that you will be a good Warden. If Deimos will not accept the role, then you are as valid an option as anyone. I certainly can’t do it, nor do I particularly want to. I just… don’t know if you are the best option. Or if you should be doing this on your own.”

Leaning back, and settling her chin in the palm of a hand, Seren considered her friend with a thoughtful expression. That Morgan had to be replaced was beyond a shadow of a doubt in her mind, since it was what Safrin wanted. That Deimos was involved made her inclined to lend her aid, the way Hotaru had suggested. It was the aftermath that made her hesitate, nibbling teeth worrying at a lip until it became sore and swollen with indecision. It would be too late to change her mind once this snowball had been set to rolling.

For when the darkness comes

SEREN

my held breath fills the room with blood

hurting in ways I can't describe

Just like with Deimos, Hotaru knows there is rarely any real anger between them when they disagree like this. So little time they’ve had together and she is still confident in that. When Seren softens, Hotaru follows her lead.

“I know you don’t understand. But that’s part of the divide - other races can’t empathize with the loneliness that Abandoned feel. They’re a very vulnerable group.” Admittedly she’s surprised The Voice hasn’t turned more of them. Perhaps their magic makes it difficult to do so, just like how she still has her magic despite Attuning? Seren working towards changing things or at least improving them on the human scale is a surprise, but a pleasant one, and Hotaru’s smile returns after having disappeared during the course of their conversation.

“I think that’s a fantastic idea. Hopefully the Fae would be receptive to such a thing.” Though she hasn’t spent much time in the Greatwood, it’s likely the only other place she could see herself living outside of Halo. It bolsters her to know Seren is at least attempting to understand, even if she never fully could by virtue of being favored above all others as Safrin’s true daughter.

“No, it doesn’t make me look good. But I also want you to think - will me saying that I will change convince you? What, in the end, are you wanting me to say? What are you hoping to achieve, when I cannot prove myself without a chance?” It’s spoken kindly, open-ended questions for Seren to consider on her own regardless of whether she answers verbally. “You trust Deimos, but he set the fire just as I did. Why is that?” Seren had said that if Deimos would not lead then perhaps Hotaru was not the best replacement, but that implied Deimos was the preference.

“I’ve told you of my past as a ruler. Deimos knows who I am as a person, as a Queen, and he trusts in me to hold that title. But I am also not someone who believes in ruling single-handedly. Checks and balances are necessary, protocols and cautions even against myself. That is the purpose of a council, which Deimos would be on.” And Noah, or so she hopes. Deimos had seemed confident in the man’s loyalty. “I don’t intend to remove Morgan by myself - or even to do it in a way that endangers my child, if that is proof enough that I do not intend to be a martyr. But I don’t intend to rule alone either.”

my heart bends and breaks

so many, many times

HOTARU

I'll leave my love hidden in the sun

The questions did give the girl pause, and she considered them very carefully.
“I think,” she answered slowly, allowing Hotaru to follow her thoughts as they formed - they were too honest with each other at this point to try at pretense of having a fully committed answer when she did not - “that I am more inclined towards Deimos because he has Mother’s favor. This whole situation… it’s his way to make amends for what he did wrong, correct? You are helping, this is true, but I still feel as if you are somehow… riding along. Avoiding to take responsibility.

"I know it doesn’t make sense,” she apologized, with a rueful grimace. “I do wonder if it wouldn’t feel better to know that you were going to reach out to my mother. Properly. And try, from your side, to mend the rift between the two of you. Mother said she did not understand what you want - that she doesn’t know if even you understand it - and I keep wondering if talking will help. Or if this thing - this ruling Halo - might answer that question.”

Replacing her battered lip with a thumb-nail, Seren kept digging through her thoughts. It was uncomfortable to do it under scrutiny, because it revealed so much about herself. But Hotaru had already showed so much of the less pleasant parts of herself… Seren did not want to be any less trusting.

“I want you to have a chance, you know. To try, and prove me wrong - prove everyone wrong. Would… what would you think about putting in some kind of stop-gap? The council would be there, you say… I don’t know what it would look like, but some way to prevent the Warden from making decisions without everyone else at least knowing about them? That way, you can’t be reckless without at least having to listen to others first.”

This was where her lack of experience became a hobble, and the frustration at having so little constructive to offer reflected in a light shrug. Knowledge of ruling systems had not exactly been a point of interest when it came to her studies.

She looked at Hotaru, to see if these suggestions were even close to acceptable. If only she could make demands… but Seren did not feel confident enough in her own judgements yet to do that.

For when the darkness comes

SEREN

my held breath fills the room with blood

hurting in ways I can't describe

Hotaru gives an understanding nod, willing to concede that even Seren herself cannot explain her feelings fully. “I would not be against speaking to her, and I want to quite badly. But I am scared - I told you that curses are not outside their realm of consequence, and I am pregnant. I do not want to risk my child, even if only by association if I am cursed myself.” Convincing Seren of her intentions is something she cannot do, but honesty is the least she can provide. “Similarly, we cannot linger too long in replacing Morgan. I am unsure where my visit could fall, except after Halo’s ruling has changed hands. I am admittedly also hoping that aiding Deimos in fulfilling Safrin’s request will prove that I am actively pursuing change, and not simply giving her pretty words of apology.”

Seren is clearly considering everything, and Hotaru gives her the time she needs to peruse her thoughts. When she suggests what she does, Hotaru can’t help the soft laugh that escapes her as she reaches to gently touch Seren’s hand and perhaps free her nail from being bitten, like a mother gently redirecting a child’s fingers to break a habit of sucking a thumb.

“Sweet girl, that is what a council should already be. In fact, Deimos used to rule as my equal at my side. It is strange to me that such a thing is not commonplace in Caido for the exact reason of preventing totalitarian rule.” Demands are unnecessary when this is what Seren has in mind. It is already inevitable. “Even if I ruled alone, Deimos would have the power to step in, to stop me. And I would want to make a larger council than Morgan already has in place.” Currently their council was slim pickings at best, and the actual active members even fewer.

my heart bends and breaks

so many, many times

HOTARU

I'll leave my love hidden in the sun

“I would be fine with after, if you promised that it will actually happen.” Seren’s gaze was open and honest, even as her hand was pulled away from worrying teeth. Hotaru had of course warned that she might be lying, but for some reason the girl did not believe the woman would actually do that. Not to her. “I think I would really like you to ask the people of Halo if they are fine with you being their Warden, too. Or give them the chance to appoint the person who will lead by your side, at least. Already we are walking all over their heads with this, and I don’t like the idea of that.”

Taking and squeezing Hotaru’s hands, she drew in a deep breath. Then let out a long, somewhat pained sigh. There was a weight to this decision that she was not familiar with, consequences that stretched far and wide beyond her ability to follow or predict.

“I think… No. I know. If you can do those two things for me, I will help you. Talk to Mother, as soon as you are able without being afraid for your child. And listen to the people of Halo. Is that reasonable?”

Gazing hopefully at her friend, Seren really would prefer to settle things with this. She did not feel she could back down any more without betraying herself.

For when the darkness comes

SEREN

my held breath fills the room with blood

hurting in ways I can't describe

Hotaru does Seren the honor of taking time to consider the idea in its entirety before she agrees. It is not a promise to make lightly after all. And while she and Deimos could likely do this on their own, Seren is clearly invested in carrying out her mother’s will, and Hotaru cannot overlook that in the grand scheme of things. Her power would also make things much easier.

“I can agree to that, yes. I promise that after Halo is secure, I will seek out your mother and attempt to make amends.” Whether Safrin would accept such efforts is out of her control, and hopefully Seren would not be too disappointed if the bridge could not be built.

“I have lived in, worked for, and collaborated with many of the people in Halo for some time now. I would hope they would support me. But even if they do not at first, I am more than open to allowing them to vote for a second Warden to rule alongside me.” As to who it would be, again only time would tell. Surely there would be some rough edges as any power change would inspire, but Hotaru knew it would be for the best. For the overall safety of the people of Halo. And for that, she could weather the choppy waters of the first few months.

“You have my word Seren.”

my heart bends and breaks

so many, many times

HOTARU

I'll leave my love hidden in the sun

The responding smile was bright and brilliant, relief plain to see. This kind of discord was not something she enjoyed, nor did she want to do anything but forgive and overlook every flaw her friends possessed. It was easy when she was the only one to potentially be hurt and betrayed… but as soon as other people came into the picture, that was no longer a luxury she could afford.

“Thank you.” Switching the grip on one hand, from a simple hold to a firm grasp of palm on palm. A soldier’s pact, an oath sworn. “And I promise I will help you and Deimos in every way I can until this task is complete.” She would have loved to make pledges not to kill anyone or fold in reservations… but the young demigod did not.
That this was something Safrin had decreed made all the difference. For her mother, Seren would do anything.

That did not prevent the trembling sigh of trepidation from shuddering across her lips however, when the monumental task before them truly sank in.
“It’s going to be difficult, isn’t it,” she murmured, the first hint of true insecurity awakening in her gaze. “I hope I will be as useful as you think…But you have to know, I have never done anything like this before.”

And wasn't that the understatement of a lifetime.

For when the darkness comes

SEREN

my held breath fills the room with blood

hurting in ways I can't describe

It’s clear there are no hard feelings by the tender smile on Hotaru’s face, at odds with the firmness of her answering grip as the vow is made. Seren’s firm words are inspiring, though she privately wishes that the girl did not have to be involved at all. It is hard to see her as a demigod, even when she is acting the part, fulfilling her duties. Though she is not truly a child, Hotaru at times can only see a young girl who still isn’t sure who she is or what she wants from the world. Unfortunately, sheltering her would not help Seren discover that either.

Shuffling closer on her knees, Hotaru offers an arm, slowly rising to drape over Seren’s shoulders. No pulling or encroaching. Allowing the girl to choose her level of physical comfort; part of Ru scared she wouldn’t seek it at all after the conversation they’d had, the flaws they’d examined together.

“Yes, it will be difficult. And it never gets any easier.” Hotaru tries never to lie to her. To any children, especially those she considers her own even in the smallest of ways, as she is starting to feel for Seren. “But I will do everything in my power to protect you, understand? Even if I am still pregnant when it happens. You are my priority.” Because it would fall on Ru for involving Seren in the first place, and while she values both lives equally and would be destroyed if she lost her baby, she would save Seren first.

my heart bends and breaks

so many, many times

HOTARU

I'll leave my love hidden in the sun

There was no hesitation on Seren’s part as the hug was offered. While she still felt a little awkward at first, it was becoming increasingly natural for her to both offer and receive this kind of affection. With her parents it was easy, natural as breathing. Everyone else… well. There were clear disadvantages with rushing through puberty and missing out on that awkward learning curve that led into becoming an adult.

“Thank you, auntie,” she murmured against Hotaru’s shoulder. The baby bump felt a little strange against her own middle, and the idea of somehow coming before someone who was a literal part of the woman made Seren uncomfortable. “I think that is the exact kind of attitude that lead you into your messes, you know. I will be very careful. So you be too, please?”

Not that the starchild needed more reasons to pay attention. But the idea of a child’s life depending on her keeping on her toes and performing her new duties with excellence was a spur, to be sure.

For when the darkness comes

SEREN

my held breath fills the room with blood

hurting in ways I can't describe

Any awkwardness is overlooked in favor of pulling Seren close as soon as she falls into the embrace. The title only warms her from the inside, far better than the fire ever could. Even if the girl’s next words inspire a soft laugh from her lips, squeezing Seren to her side.

“Of course I will be careful, that’s not what I meant to imply. But I am stronger than you, and more practiced in war. I just want to assure you that I will protect you. Myself too, of course, and your cousin,” she nudges the girl with a playful smile, “but you won’t be alone. And hopefully we will make your mother proud.” Of Seren, at the bare minimum.

Then all at once she jolts, and her free hand goes to her belly as her eyes widen in surprise. “O-Oh.” Then she laughs, incredulous. Of course the baby had waited until after her stress had diminished to make their presence known. “The baby just kicked for the first time.” Her voice is awed. It never ceases to be wondrous and emotional despite how many times she has experienced it.

my heart bends and breaks

so many, many times

HOTARU