another place to shed my skin

You pump the blood so I can breathe, Don't let me go don't ever leave

Always. Always baby, always you. Nate picks up the slack, refusing to let himself dip into the same sadness, no matter how it claws at him. This is what happens when he shoves so much bad down, when that space has to be filled, he gets loud, stubborn. He presses against Sunjata like it’s instinct, like the pressure will hold his top on, as if he hasn’t already started shaking again.

Sunjata squeezes, pressing in on himself and Nate both, and it has the ascended shifting a little, rolling them so he can drape over the attuned, a firm, unyielding pressure. The tumble of the attuned’s words reach his mind, and it’s Nate’s turn to pause, tongue running along his teeth while he considers. What if it does? Have you tried, huh? Theres more of that venomous accusation, something that Nate doesn’t shrink from this time. Well you’re not doing anything about it, obviously I have to figure it out.

The inferno is back in the bond, artfully hidden behind a paper wall, only the glow and sparks really reaching Sunjata. Nate moves both his hands to grasp his husbands shoulders, pushing himself up and pinning the other down in the same motion, faux hands still wrapped tightly around the attuned. “Lookit me.” The words would be unintelligible if not for the bond, nothing more than a rough growl.

Nates face is wreathed in wild black curls that only intensifies the electric blue of his wide eyes, ringed in glimmering fluid. There is a steel in his face, a seriousness that he’s never had need of before, that only serves to highlight all of the cracks hiding behind it. We’re not. We have choices still. A point hides in the words, Nate’s hands pressing down when he says choices.

NATE

in my darkness, you turned on a light

i hate the way you bring me back to life

He’s moving, but not of his own intention – moving wherever Nate chooses to put him, too tired and truthfully emotional to manage it on his own. It’s a feat that has his wings dropping back to the bed as Nate hovers above him, the frown pulling at the gnarled scar that dances up half of his face. The tattoo, Nate… He says weakly in comparison to the accusation, one that causes him to frown deeper, to tilt his chin up as if it makes any difference or not.

He can feel the flickering of Nate’s frustration and inferno behind a thinly veiled wall, enough so that when the growl reaches him and his back is pinned to the bed, does he squirm slightly, shifting to get the wings to edge more comfortably in this space. And when he does open his eyes, they’re ringed with red, pupils blown, a glimmer in the dark steel of his gaze that’s nearly swallowed whole by black.

He says nothing at first, not until Nate’s words reach him. Instead, he scans the dark curtain of curls, the opalescent sheen in the electric blues of Nate’s eyes – surprise overcoming him in a washed sensation as Nate actually looks at him while Sunjata frays and fractures. What choices? He shoots back, brows pinched together as though he can’t see the end of the tunnel.

Honestly, tell me. What choices do we have? You’re tied to her. He says, trying to urge the point home. And if I stray from Safrin she could take everything from me too. Sunjata works his jaw, pinned and staring up at his husband with a glimmer of sorrow that coats his side of the bond like ink. So what choice is there?

'cause i am haunted, i cannot tell a lie

i like you better when i am dead inside

SuNJATA

You pump the blood so I can breathe, Don't let me go don't ever leave

Nate snorts, mashing his head awkwardly against his husband as he tries to rolls his eyes dramatically without pulling away. Skins even easier than bone. He says, far too sensibly for the insanity he is suggesting.

The only light in the usually comfortable wing cocoon is the lightning that dances under his skin, faint without anything to focus it, and yet still enough to show the disappointment that flinches across his face. A snort of frustration masquerading as hysterical amusement creeps out of his clenched jaw, his gaze locked on the slivered steel of his husbands eyes.

You don’t need anything! Nate’s voice cracks impossibly through the bond, a tremble that is trying to be born as a sob quaking it’s way along his jaw. You have me! I have the Voice! It’s enough to keep you safe, without her. Dark brows tug together, tugging at the scar that spans his face. The shimmer of fluid in his eyes thickens, and Nate tears his gaze away, pressing his chin against his shoulder and staring at Sunjata’s fingers.

You could... you could just... A deep, dull throb of pain jolts through the bond, stifling Nate’s voice with an audible whine.

NATE

in my darkness, you turned on a light

i hate the way you bring me back to life

Skin being easier than bone only makes Sunjata confused – worry settled deep in his gut over the fact that either way it would be painful – let alone incurring the wrath of a goddess, a goddess who was the mother of his child. And yet, yet, nothing prepares him for the way Nate’s voice cracks through the bond, Sunjata’s brows pinching together yet again as he meets his husband’s eyes.

He manages to break through a bit of the euphoria that’s lingering toward something darker and deeper, though, enough to drag his hands up from wherever they’d managed to land while he focused on the words and sensations through the bond, to drift up and cup Nate’s face, watching the veins of light sprinkle out from where his calloused hands touch the Ascended’s skin.

It’s not enough, skatjie. It’s not enough to keep both you and me safe from it. He pauses, the muscles in his jaw trembling as he clutches at Nate’s face, along his neck, through the curls. If I lost all my shifts and everything, I’d just be a burden on you. I can’t… I won’t… Be that again. His voice even shakes with it, before his head is tilting to press his ruined cheek to the arm closest to it that keeps him pinned down. I love you, so fucking much, but that’s not enough to keep us safe. No matter how much he wishes it were.

'cause i am haunted, i cannot tell a lie

i like you better when i am dead inside

SuNJATA

You pump the blood so I can breathe, Don't let me go don't ever leave

Nate’s chest heaves as hands close around his jaw, his eyes snapping shut with a flinch. Useless breath punches out of him, the jerky movement somehow better than the utterly lifeless stillness he could fall into instead. I’m enough. I’m enough to keep you safe, to keep Ria safe. His jaw works beneath his husbands hands, throat bobbing with the for e it takes to swallow his own words. He’s enough because he has to be, because he’s always had to be. Never mind the fact that it hadn’t ever been enough in the past.

It’s not a burden, Sunny, you’re not a burden, because you... you’d be choosing me. The words come along with another fracture, another little raw piece of Nate opening up, oozing hurt and packed down upset. And if... if not just me, then the Voice. She helps me, without holding anything over my head, She’d help us. A hand slips over to cup the attuned’s scarred cheek, Nate forcing his eyes open, cool fluid tears dripping down his nose onto the other. I just... I want you to... Nate hesitates, swallowing the words guiltily.

NATE

in my darkness, you turned on a light

i hate the way you bring me back to life

His jaw works uselessly against words that don’t come out, a similar look to a fish out of water as he does actually manage to bite his tongue on the immediate thought that comes to mind. She won’t let you. He says sadly instead. Safrin’s already trying to poison you to her. Talking about how the Voice could just… Control you. Hurt us in our sleep. I know you could never do that. His jaw trembles just about as much as his voice does, fingers threading through dark curls to keep Nate safe.

The packed hurt that comes from Nate and the words that leave him have Sunjata fracturing, It has him pinching his brows, has his fingers tightening along his husband, even as his cheek is cupped, feeling the cool and surprisingly bright touch of Nate’s tears slipping onto him and splashing like a glass cup dropped onto the tile. I am choosing you… In the best way I can. The best way I know how to. Which is all sorts of wrong, but for a boy grown up on survival and impulse with little things left to be called his, he’s grown into a man with all the same problems. Manipulated easily, always pliable for those that could take the few things he does have away from him.

I can’t – I can’t choose the Voice, Nate. I can’t… I can choose you but I can’t choose her. Because that made all the difference, right? The man beneath the machine and the magic and the everything nonorganic that made up his husband. He could pick the man beneath it all, and he does time and time again. It’s coming and we haven’t talked – talked about it at all, and I don’t wanna make the same mistake I did before when you left because I didn’t talk to you. He’s repeating himself over and over again but he’s too far gone to figure out he is. I need you.

'cause i am haunted, i cannot tell a lie

i like you better when i am dead inside

SuNJATA

You pump the blood so I can breathe, Don't let me go don't ever leave

Horror spreads slowly across Nate’s face, horror and pain, and anger at the utter injustice of the whole situation. So you stood up for me, right? You said she was lying, that I couldn’t hurt you, either of you? Its clear Nate knows the answer already if the naked, impossible to hide pain in the lines of his face are anything to go by. This isn’t about knowing the answer though, it’s about hearing Sunjata admit it, hearing him say ’No, I didn’t, skatjie.’

Disbelief swims behind electric blue, Nate’s lips pulled into a thin line. He’d thought, with his ascension, that pain couldn’t find him anymore, not like this, but there is a physical ache in his chest where his heart should be thundering.

Its the same thing! Me, Her, it’s the same side. It has to be now, and you.... you... Nate pushes himself back up, staticky arms disappearing so quickly they pop as he scrabbles off of his perch on Sunjata, pushing away the leathery wings to reveal the room beyond them once again. He moves to the edge of the bed, back turned to his husband, muscles bunched tightly as he curls in on himself.

Stillness does not suit the tangled knots in the bond though, and Nate is up and moving again before he can be touched, a careless hand reaching out and grabbing the bottle of liquor Sunjata had been so optimistic to bring along. On his feet now, he rips the cork out with his teeth and downs the whole thing, fighting with himself to stifle every helpless feeling pushing its way through the bond.

NATE

in my darkness, you turned on a light

i hate the way you bring me back to life

He can feel the horror coat the bond, like a sludge of oil that creeps toward him that he tries to burn away with his love and his light, but it’s useless in the attempts Sunjata takes. I did. He says, but the but… hangs heavily in the air between them.

He flounders in his attempts to try and soothe him, watching as the pain lances across Nate’s face. He frowns, deepening, the scar pulling along his face as his wings drop uselessly to the bed as Nate fights to get his way out of the warmth of his embrace.

He isn’t sure what hurts more.

It’s not… It isn’t. You’re still you without her. It’s just the complication of her ties to him that affects Nate’s life, and that is what hangs in the balance for them.

He moves before he realizes it, his body moving before his mind catches up with him as he reaches to wrap a wing around his husband, hands lifting to grab the now empty bottle, one hand reaching for his husband’s arm. What if — What if we step down. Stop governing Torchline. Make a new home somewhere else. Figure it out. His hands move along Nate nearly desperate, trying to smooth over the jagged pieces he’d started.

'cause i am haunted, i cannot tell a lie

i like you better when i am dead inside

SuNJATA

You pump the blood so I can breathe, Don't let me go don't ever leave

Nate might emotional, hysterical, unreasonable, but he is not stupid, and he is not deaf. He hears the words Sunjata doesn’t say alongside the few he does, hears the but linger in the background. Imagines how it must have looked; thin, placating protests, too quiet to be heard or taken seriously. It’s a picture that tears even more at his insides, buckling walls in him that Nate had thought were solid and steady.

All that anger and pain comes out in his voice, the mental shout, a plea for Sunjata to understand. I’m dead without her! Everything I am comes from the Voice. Everything you love comes from the Voice. Nate bares his teeth, tongue wagging out of his mouth as he glares at Sunjata, looking more human, more primal than he has in days. Its your cunt goddess that’s the fucking problem Sunshine!

Snatching the bottle out of reach of Sunjata, Nate throws it towards the wall instead, distracted while it shatters and falls to the floor, another mess they'll have to clean up eventually. A sound, something that’s trying to be a laugh gags out of the ascended, loud in the echoing silence of the room. He wishes it had done something, wishes it could stop whatever it is that’s growing in his chest without his permission.

All at once, Nate whirls to face Sunjata fully, unblinking electric stare locked on the attuned, measuring each word that rings into his head. He doesn’t dare to let himself hope, knows better than to do that now, knows what kind of life they’re living, but it’s enough to smooth out the rough edges, enough to keep his eyes from watering. “What if?” He repeats, an invitation for elaboration, for Sunjata to pitch the idea.

NATE

in my darkness, you turned on a light

i hate the way you bring me back to life

He lets it out, lowering the walls within himself while Nate fills it up with anger, with a blatant lie that Sunjata can call him on. The ’everything you love comes from the Voice.’ That’s not true. He’s adamant about that. I love you for you. Not because of her. This he’s sure about. What happened when we had met and she still hadn’t come to see you yet? He pauses, muscles flexing in his jaw. You even told me how much you regretted Ascending at first. He glances past the comment of Safrin, not wanting to be stuck in the middle between Safrin and his husband, but being put there anyway.

You’re tied to her because of your life. I get that Nate. I get that. It’s why I did what I did. He wants to shrink away from it but he knows he can’t, and he drifts closer to his husband, hearing the bottle shatter against the wall. But you don’t get to sit there and tell me that you’re only who you are because of her, because we both know that’s bullshit. Perhaps the drugs are starting to lift a bit, given Sunjata’s consistency with what he speaks of, but there’s still the lightness that has him swaying a fraction as his husband pins him with that electric stare.

He steps closer, arms raised to reach for Nate’s face, to let his dark steel bore back into the electric blues, separated by a scar. He takes a few heartbeats of breath, a few seconds of pausing to gather his thoughts. “We step down, let someone else figure it out. Take Kamaria and go make a cottage in the Wilds.” He pauses, licking his lips as he considers it, pressing himself closer to Nate to try and smother over the oiled horror, taking advantage of the moment Nate’s offered. “And live that life we want, that we deserve.” He pauses before he shakes his head, a humorless laugh leaving him. “I don’t care what anyone thinks anymore. I just—I just want you. Our family. Our life. We don’t need the threats we keep getting with Torchline. We don’t need the added stress of a whole region between having to deal with this.” A hand comes out to gesture to the space between them, of their initial argument.

'cause i am haunted, i cannot tell a lie

i like you better when i am dead inside

SuNJATA

You pump the blood so I can breathe, Don't let me go don't ever leave

Nates face twists in irritated indignation, upset at being called out, upset at being wrong in the first place. You get to love me because of her. The correction snaps out, Nate’s brows pulled into a single angry line. You get to know me because she brought us both here. Not anyone else. This at least is a fact, something that Nate can stand atop and frown down from. We’re here because of her. I’m better because of her. As if the scars that littered his naked body really spoke to something better than the dead end life he’d been snatched away from.

There is a shrinking, not physically, but through the bond, tendrils of Nate’s emotions drawing back, wrapping around himself to build a new wall, a new mask. Do you get it? Really? It seems they can’t ever stand on even ground, the more sensible Sunjata becomes, the more unravelled Nate gets. You’re bullshit. This whole fucking thing is bullshit. You can’t- The tirade cuts off as hands press against his face, whatever work Nate had put into walls and masks crumbling to rubble with the simple action.

The moment of breath is all it takes for Nate’s eyes to well up again, frustration and shame simmering in the bond if Sunjata cares to reach out to feel them, but he doesn’t look away. Doesn’t close his eyes. He listens.

It sounds like a dream. A sanctuary, away from the world, from the shadows that doggedly haunt their doorstep. Nate thinks about knocks in the middle of the night. Thinks about fires and sickness and pirate pricks. Thinks about a night on the beach that feels like it was a different life, where they talked and watched turtles and stars and things were simple. He lets himself dream of something like that again. Easy nights together. But reality crashes in, tears it’s ugly head far too soon, and an embarrassing whimper leaves Nate’s throat before he can stop it, his eyes finally closing as he presses his face in against his husbands shoulder.

An’after? He asks through the bond, throat too thick to voice anything. In two years, when we can’t hide? What then?

NATE

in my darkness, you turned on a light

i hate the way you bring me back to life

You could say the exact same thing if you had Attuned rather than Ascended. He challenges back, more sense coming into his words as the drugs fade off. Yes, she brought us here. She brought me here after the barrier came down, which was the entire point of her bringing us here in the first place wasn’t it? There’s irritation in his own argument. But you can’t sit there and say she made you more you. She didn’t do that. You did that. And Sunjata would be damned if Nate passed off the credit onto the Voice and not himself in the same way he imagined the roles could be reversed.

Nate would lose his mind if Sunjata said he was better because of Safrin. He knows he would.

Nate’s emotions withdraw from the Attuned and he latches on, shooting through the oil and muck to hit against the wall of adamant that seems to block him from his husband, aside from the shock that pulses through him when Nate says you’re bullshit. He works his jaw, silence overcoming him briefly before he’s staring at his husband, wondering if it’s the anger talking or if he’s speaking the truth. At least he can agree with the rest of it, his hands rising to cup Nate’s face.

He feels for the frustration, the shame, and he tries to smooth it over with gentle scarred hands, one hand staying on Nate’s face while his left hand lowers to try and catch Nate’s own left hand — both scars of their wedding matching up as Sunjata keeps his gaze boring into Nate’s. There’s a pulse of relief as Nate sinks forward, head sinking into his shoulder and his cheek tilts toward the Ascended, pressing against him hard as his wings move to wrap around the Ascended again. “We have to fight.” He says sadly, a whisper on the wind. “But I have stood there and told Safrin that even if I faced you out there, I wouldn’t hurt you.” There’s nothing but truth that pours from him.

Before it grows tentative and his gaze shudders, arm slipping around his husband’s neck, tucking him tighter. “Have you… Talked to the Voice? About me? About–” Us?

'cause i am haunted, i cannot tell a lie

i like you better when i am dead inside

SuNJATA

You pump the blood so I can breathe, Don't let me go don't ever leave

But I didn’t. He’d made the “wrong” choice, he’d tied himself to the Voice, and while sure, Nate might have once begrudged it, he can’t see any other path anymore. Can’t imagine standing where Sunjata does. But he’s forced to agree with the attuned’s next argument, a narcissistic streak stubbornly refusing to let him disagree. No. No she didn’t. I did that. But She helped me when I was cursed. She... she wants things to be better for us. As always, Nate burns through his anger too quickly, sinking and sagging after his bullshit outburst and pulling away.

A hand in his snatches him back, Nate’s hand at once greedy and firm, nails digging into tanned skin and pale scars. A tremble works its way through his jaw, something he knows Sunjata can see, something else he wants to hide away from. I don’t deserve this. Some soft voice whispers in his head, all the emotion of it pressing through the bond in a heavy, sullen pang.

Then she put her name in you. Then she gave you Kamaria. These are not things Nate can compete with, not things he can fight against. And even if somehow, the lunatic goddess keeps her word, there’s still a mountain of trouble ahead. What about the rest of them? The Remi’s, the Ronin’s, the people who saw him as nothing more than a mistake to be corrected. And if not corrected, then destroyed. The train of thought drags another whine along behind it, panic rising in Nate’s throat that he tries again and again to swallow, pressing his mouth against the solidity of his husbands shoulder.

At least he never gets the chance to settle in any one darkness, never gets the chance to wallow, and grow angry again. Sunjata pulls him closer, Nate powerless to resist as shame and guilt both numb him from the inside out. I... I told her I wouldn’t... wouldn’t do anything to you. Ever. And she had agreed, had smiled and nodded and said she understood, and that... that was all he needed, wasn’t it? That was enough?

Nate sniffles, trying hard to muffle the sound as much as he can, and lifts his free hand to hook around Sunjata’s waist, a teary, broken barnacle clinging to a rotten post. One day they'll fall back into the ocean, separate, but for now they’re one. I... I’m afraid if... if I say too much, I... He shakes his head frantically, clearing away the rest of the thought.

NATE

in my darkness, you turned on a light

i hate the way you bring me back to life

They’re just choices, Skatjie. Right or wrong depends on how everyone looks at it. What was right to the Old Gods was wrong to the New Gods, and vice versa. Nate could sit on the other side and say he had picked the wrong choice too when he’d chosen to Attune. It didn’t make it any less of a fact. It was a choice. Just as Nate’s ascension was a choice.

He takes a staggered breath, clinging to Nate as if he’s the anchor in this turbulent sea and not that they’re both driftwood aimlessly whisked away under the battering waves over and over again. He can’t say anything about the Voice when it comes to what she wanted. He’d met her once, when Nate was sick, and he had taken her cure for the Climb Sickness.

And yet. And yet—

“She did.” He agrees, wearily, as more sense comes back to him. Safrin had given him so many things. “Because all I wanted was to protect you.” It’s a quieter whimper of a sound, Sunjata pulling Nate closer and deeper into his embrace. “Because I love you and I can’t fucking lose you.” The breath that heaves out of him is shuddered, like a wind blowing through a roof that’s only half hanging on. “I can’t… Control the rest of them. But I would fight them if they came for you. I would do that.” Safrin would have to understand, wouldn’t she?

He remains close, tucked into one another as he squeezes his eyes shut, pressing messy kisses into the curtain of black curls, fingers pulling and tugging at electric glimmering skin wherever he can reach. “What happens if you say too much?” He asks, wondering if it’s the same for him.

The same reason he can’t defend Nate to Safrin.

The same reason he’s terrified to do anything in the face of his goddess’ wrath.

'cause i am haunted, i cannot tell a lie

i like you better when i am dead inside

SuNJATA