melancholyism

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

This time the lighthouse calls to him on his own – alone. It’s dusk again, the time when the starlight begins to filter in through the partially clouded sky, with the scent of salt on the ocean breeze that streams through the window at the very top.

Here he sets a lavender candle, a bouquet of flowers, and a necklace of dark blue pearls draped across it atop the shrine. It’s an attempt to make up for his previous outbursts, the failures he’s done, to try and remain within a good light for his goddess even if he’s so, so incredibly tired.

His lightning scarred hand runs along the starry tattoos of his forearm as he lets his gaze wash over the shrine. “Safrin… There is much on my mind.” I don’t want to burden you with them and yet here I am and I'm sorry. “Do you have a moment?”

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Safrin

"Hundreds of them. Thousands. An entire lifetime of them I could give to you." Like a warm breeze, she appears by the windowsill. Dressed in all white, her smile is soft and perhaps a touch sombre as she strides towards the shrine and the gifts he has brought for her. "You don't need to do this, you know. You are enough." Even so, she sinks down onto the stairs that her fingers might rove over the pearls and flower petals alike.

"Sit." She offers softly, nodding her head at the space next to her. Folding her hands into her lap, appearing dainty and subdued, Safrin turns her dark stare toward the Flood that he might begin unburdening himself.

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

A lifetime of them for him, undeserving as he is. Undeserving as he feels. But she arrives, her voice a surprising balm, one that lifts his attention from the offerings he’s brought, watching as she steps forward in a brilliant white – stunning as she always is, and perhaps for one of the first times since everything, Sunjata finds her presence enough to drain some of the tension from his shoulders. It arrives in a quiet sigh, his hand still on his tattooed sleeve, twisting a fraction as he dips his head in understanding. “Given my recent visit, I felt it was at least part of an apology.” He offers, surprisingly honest.

But he strides forward regardless, moving to sit beside her as she’s offered, trying to loosen his jaw enough to speak. “I’m sorry for how I acted.” There’s the true apology, for the way he’s been walking this tightrope, for the heartbreak it continues to bring. “I feel as though I’m failing everyone.” He admits, even if it feels like it’s crushing his soul to do so. “That I have been ever since my father arrived and it’s been one thing after another and another and I don’t know when it ends and I don’t know how much more I can take.” His gaze lifts to Safrin’s face, his gaze shadowed and heavy and dark.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Safrin

Turning toward him, Safrin stretches out her hands and places them on his shoulders. Her fingers are slender and delicate, but the pressure she's able to apply to his weary muscles is cosmic. Warmth and light pulses from her fingertips as she manipulates the Flood that he might start to drain away the brackish waters lingering within.

"Love will do that to a man." Safrin says with an understanding nod. Love for her. For Kamaria. For Nate, even.

Her dark eyes scan his face as her head inclines gently to the side. "You are an ocean of emotions Sunjata, no matter how stoic you can appear. I will not condemn you for one outburst." She says with a small chuckle as her fingers dissipate more and more tension.

"Tell me. What is it you truly care about? What is it you want? If you have too many balls in the air...perhaps some are better to let fall that those which are precious to you might remain aloft."

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

Her hands find his broad shoulders and immediately there’s warmth in the chill of his bones. It’s a shivering sigh that leaves him, shoulders drooping, nodding in quiet agreement on the subject of love. Yet it had been the one thing Sunjata’d strove to try and keep in his life, terrified of it still.

His gaze finds her face as her head cocks, wishing to work his jaw but with the sensation of warmth that bleeds into him from Safrin, he finds it far more comforting than his usual tics. Instead, a small smile does tug at the corner of his scarred lip, listening to her honesty over his problems. And she’s right. It’s all become so overwhelming that it’s become one thing after another. What does he want? “I want to go live in a cabin somewhere with only my family to worry about.” A stark honesty, a life away from those that constantly came to shake his world. A life away where he could be happy.

“I… Only want what’s best for Nate and Kamaria. Governing was fine at first, but now? I leave for a few days and come back to arson, targeting mine and Nate’s spaces which threatens the people of Torchline simply by me Governor.” He sighs, leaning into the hands on his shoulders a bit more heavily. “Hotaru and Deimos had a hand in it, despite her adamant refusal to admit she’d set any of the fires. And before I could even cross the story with Deimos’, the Sword is gone and Remi’s stolen Hotaru away.” He sighs, letting his gaze drop. “For the first time in my life I thought I did something right. That her and I parted on good terms, and then this happens? Even if it was solely Deimos, she told him where my Guild was, she was seen there, she lost her companion there.” Another pause, another shivering breath, before his gaze snaps to his goddess’ face. “Was she right when she said I don’t get consequences for what I do to people?” He asks in a whisper, almost afraid of the answer.

He certainly thinks he has received more than enough terrible things that have come his way.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Safrin

'Of course she set the fires. At least half of them." With so much lightning and fire thrown about it was difficult to know who had done more damage in the long run, but certainly Hotaru was not a bystander. "The Lullaby interfering again? Colour me surprised." But it wasn't surprise that blushed her cheeks then, but an obvious and tireless hatred for the man who so constantly got in the way of things. "True, he can't die...but perhaps he could find his way to the bottom of the ocean, mmm? Held there by a rather large boulder?" Safrin's laugh is cold, before she falls silent to hear out the rest of what Sunjata has to say.

"The only mistake you are making, is thinking that so many of the bad things that happen are your fault. It is not because you are Governor that the fires started, but because Hotaru is an emotional powderkeg who is just as short-sighted as Deimos. Your father was the villain, not you. You cannot control what others do, even when it's in response to you and your life." Her shoulders shrug daintily as she moves closer that her hands might work down the sides of his arms.

'You have received consequences a'plenty.' The goddess replies, reaching up to place her fingers on either side of his face that she might hold his gaze just as she holds his cheeks. "You might not have received the consequences that she wanted, but what of it? That she wishes the worst for you doesn't mean you deserve it."

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

He physically stills as Safrin confirms his thoughts, the breath that’s released is slow and quiet, as if he’s had a film over his gaze ever since his father’s arrival and the drugging that had lead to his inability to trust his mind. This he can trust, even however people wanted to spin it. He had been right. Even if there isn’t anything he can do about it.

With Remi, though, it does manage to spark a small smile, crooked as relief swells through him for the first time in a long while. “He’s a demigod, can’t he just… Not die?” He asks (never having learned the boundaries of what being a demigod meant), wondering if the boulder would just be something that pinned the Lullaby there for a long while. (Apparently he isn’t as over the dream murder and stealing Hotaru away as he thought he was.)

He focuses on her, though, on the words that reinforce and reorient himself, that takes little by little off of his plate until it’s easier to be balanced. The Flood has never been good at compartmentalizing things, prone to outbursts and poor impulse control. His head is cradled and he watches her, tilting his head into her hands a bit more, believing every word she says. “It’s all subjective.” He agrees softly, before he pauses to chew at the inside of his cheek. “I am worried that people will continue to try and pull the veil over my eyes. Is it possible to get something that can help me see through them?” The lies, the trickery, the absolute fuckery everyone tries to do to him.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Safrin

'He can die...just not easily." She replies with a grin. "Perhaps some time at the bottom of the ocean would do him good? Give him time to think about things, mm? Besides, it isn't unlike what he did to you." Safrin adds with a sweeping smile. "It isn't real death, after all." Wasn't that the line Remi kept toting about? That Sunjata hadn't really died, so where was the harm?

"It might be subjective, but do you know what?" Her thumbs move in slightly, caressing the corners of his lips as her head tilts ever so slightly. "You don't need to care about certain points of view. Let them think what they want. Their petty opinions mean absolutely nothing at all."

The mention of veils and trickery has the goddess sitting up slightly, her eyes narrowing. These were the tricks of her trade after all. "Ludo once made a stone that could see through illusions, though it has fallen to the bottom of the sea...perhaps such a thing could be found? That wouldn't help with the lies you are told, though we could more than easily come up with something to help with that..." Inclining her head properly now, she leaves it to the Flood to determine which item would be of most use to him right now.

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

She, as always, sees through the pieces he’s putting together slowly, that it wouldn’t be too unlike the dream death he’d gone through. “That’s true.” He agrees with a hum of thought, something that he’ll certainly consider when the nightmares keep coming back. But her hands keep running along his face and Sunjata’s tilting into it not unlike his panther shift would be, should he be shifted.

He only perks up through the slight daze when she asks him a question, followed with a quiet ‘hmm?’ as she continues and it resonates a bit stronger with him. It’s a bit more of a ‘fuck it’ mentality that certainly aligns with how much of an asshole he’s been lately. Still, he thinks it’s justified given the circumstances of everything on his shoulders. He offers a small nod instead, digesting it.

She lays out options for him, though, and he nods as he debates which would be better. Illusions for the trickery that might befall him? Or an item to help pinpoint the lies where they stand. Truthfully, it’s a combination of both that drive him insane and to the brink, but he thinks the item might be better to start. “I think… I could deal with the lies so long as I could see through any other trickery.” That was the biggest part of the veil, after all. “But the ocean is huge, how can I go about finding it?” He isn’t that concerned, given he has his orca shift. He could scout for days on end if he wanted, or if were needed, but perhaps she has a better idea.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Safrin

"The items that Ludo makes...they leave a fade." Crinkling her nose in disgust, a similar remark might be said of Safrin, only the items she created glowed. "To find an item made by Ludo, we need only a few things...sap from a wicker woman. It is ever so fond of those stupid trees." Safrin rolls her eyes, thinking Ludo's continued use of hallucinogenic sap terribly pedestrian. "Next a cloth dragged through the ash of the Climb, but not burned. Take it and place it in the coldest place you can find. Finally, use it to cover shards of a broken mirror. Leave them out in the darkness for a week in a shallow grave."

Pausing, she tilts her head slowly to see if the Flood has any questions. She has other things on her mind of course, but for now this takes priority.

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

As Safrin’s nose crinkles in disgust, Sunjata’s brows pinch together as he tries to imagine it – only used to Safrin’s glow and the brief static of the Voice. Fading, was not something Sunjata particularly felt he was fond of. But he’s attentive as she lists out the plans, nodding at the mention of the wicker woman (recalling a story or two from Safrin’s Dark Star of such things) before making note of the Climb and a broken mirror and a shallow grave, all of things which just add to the fact he’s quite content being there with Safrin and not the herald of death.

Sunjata’s done his best to try and avoid it for the longest time anyway. “Thank you.” He murmurs softly – for the help and for the advice. But there are still things on his mind, things that weigh heavily that he knows she might not like to hear.

But if he’s to try and gain his mental health with the war coming he doesn’t think that keeping himself overextended constantly would be helpful in preparations. So he’s silent for a moment, watching his goddess, before he’s taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “If I… Were to step down as Governor,” he pauses hoping that she knows that Nate would step down too, that he wouldn’t remain in the stead if Sunjata weren’t, “to prepare and… Work on myself more, would you be opposed to it?” He pauses to work his jaw. “I would want to name someone in my place that follows you, of course.” In regards to their earlier conversation, of what he really wanted? It burns like starlight on his mind. “I just think that I need time.” Time to come to terms with everything he has now and how those wouldn’t remain within reach for much longer.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Safrin

"My sweet flood, I can think of nothing better." Her smile is warm and elegant as her eyes softly trace the lines and scars on his face. So many of them hadn't been present when she'd first looked upon him, but still he was as beautiful as ever. "Take Nate and Kamaria and run away into the Wilds? Is that your plan?" Safrin's voice is free of judgement as she says this. "I will take care of everything here in Torchline. You needn't do a thing, but..."

Pulling her hands away, she folds them in her lap as her gaze drops to somewhere near his chest. Her jaw tenses just for a moment, creating a small ripple in the otherwise milk-white smoothness of her cheeks. "...as hard of a truth as it was for Kamaria to hear, I need to know that you heard and understood what I said. Whatever love Nate has for you and for our daughter, it is not strong enough to prevent the Voice from doing whatever she likes. Their minds and bodies are hers, and should she will it, he could kill you both in your beds." Pausing, she sighs softly. "He made his choice to ascend, and then again to become all the more firmly placed in the Voice's grasp. There is nothing anyone can do about that now, but Sunjata?"

Now her voice, while beautiful and soft, holds all the deadly gravity of a thousand cold starts. "Should you become blinded by your love for him, we will be having a very different conversation." With Kamaria in the picture, it will be his only warning.

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

He wants to nod, to agree with her that he wishes to have a bit of time, however little it might be to actually live that dream he had as a child, with his family in a cabin where nobody could hurt him again. It’s a far off dream, one blurred by the lines of what Ronin had helped create during the Climb sickness, but one that resonates with him all the same.

He’s about to nod to her, to let the relief spread through him, but he can’t as the words she says chill him to the bone. “I heard.” Sunjata says quietly, his steel gaze fracturing slightly as he watches his goddess, as his gaze follows the panes and lines of her face. “It’s partially why I want to go.” He admits, seeking out Safrin’s gaze, the warning clear.

“I think it would be safer… Secluded and with nothing else to distract me from simply being there.” Nothing else to weigh him down other than keeping Kamaria safe from Nate, if, when? he turns. “I will protect our daughter, Safrin.” He vows quietly, making sure that she can see the truth in his gaze. “I promise.” He hopes it doesn’t come down to it, and he knows it would break his heart to do it, but if given the choice he knows Nate would never choose to harm them either.

To do so would be the Voice’s control. And he won’t stand by to watch as she takes everything he loves (including Nate and his own autonomy) away from him.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Safrin

'You are strong my love, but the Voice is stronger." Safrin whispers. "Don't blind yourself to the dangers around you." Sunjata's promise is not one he can earnestly make. Not when there are times Nate is alone with Kamaria. Not when they all sleep soundly while the ascended merely closes his eyes and feigns slumber.

'What Nate wants or doesn't, what he would or wouldn't do, doesn't matter at all.' She adds, before letting the matter rest. "Enjoy the time together." There is no need to say while you have it.

"I will take care of Torchline. I know already who I will put in your stead."

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!