If I didn’t love you, I’d be dead by now

Hotaru

She doesn’t go back.

What is there to go back to? She’d told Remi she’d return when she was better, but Hotaru is terrified that there’s nothing to fix. That this is simply how she feels now, against all reason and historical proof.

She misses the twins. She’s grateful they’re gone. She’s a mess, and she knows it - and so she writes to Phoebe, and roosts in the trees as a bird, hiding away from the burn of human emotions. From Deimos, who doesn’t abandon her but seems just as helpless as to explain why she’s feeling this way.

Today she cannot hide cloaked in feathers. Hotaru has had no need to set up a camp or base with her Attuned shifts, but she needs to be human to be recognizable for when Phoebe arrives. She sits listlessly on a grassy knoll, a small fire at her side, hoping the smoke trail will attract the eyes of the woman whenever she arrives. Time slips away senselessly. Hotaru curls her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs and letting her cheek rest on one bony knee. Hotaru knows she is losing weight, has been since the twins were born. It’s not that she feels ill, but she has no interest in food, no drive to seek it out.

There’s something wrong with her. She knows it. But it’s just out of reach, and she knows nothing of the medical field that could help assuage her fears.

I'm ready to hope, swing me out of the low
Wide awake in the glow, I can't do it alone

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

Phoebe had her own suspicions based on what little she knew. What was most alarming was this seemingly strange occurrence in an experienced mother. At least she assumed she was, based on things Remi had told her. And so with Amalia's help, she made her way to the Wilds, leaving a hurried note for Harper so he wouldn't worry about her sudden disappearance. Medical emergencies and sudden departures came with her job.

It didn't take long to find the other blonde woman (apparently Jata had a preference that way). "Hello Hotaru." she said gently as she stepped forward from the treeline. A warm smile curved her lips as she squatted down infront of her, setting her bag to the side. "I came as soon as I could."

Hotaru

Without Atlas at her side to provide keen ears and attentive guard, she is taken by surprise when Phoebe emerges from the treeline. The sharp jolt of her shoulders does settle, but the tension there doesn’t entirely fade. Clearly both worn and wired.

Lifting her eyes to Phoebe’s warm honey, Hotaru gives a wan smile. It’s easier to look at the Nightingale and see the young woman who had visited her glass shop than it is to recall her as Sunjata’s ex-wife. It probably does them both more favors to do so anyway. “Hello Phoebe,” her voice rasps with disuse from the days spent in any form but the human one.

She isn’t sure whether she can stand even if she wanted to. Hotaru isn’t so weak from hunger or loss that it’s physically impossible, but it seems a Herculean task. Insurmountable. Instead she tilts her head invitingly to the spot at her side, cheek still perched on her knee. “Thank you for coming so quickly. I…I don’t know what to do.” Instead of crying, her gaze is distant and almost confused. Dreamlike. “When I first laid eyes on my twins I cried tears of joy. For all the complications of them being Remi’s, I loved them so much that it didn’t matter. I was…happy isn’t a word strong enough for what I felt. I know I felt it. I know I did.” Dismay creeps into her tone, almost hysterical. Scared.

“But over the next weeks I couldn’t feel that way anymore. I hated them. I imagined all of us dying together. What the hell is wrong with me?” Soft voice tremors and shakes, terrified of her own emotions but incapable of escaping them. Perhaps even scared of judgment from this woman she had always inevitably been pitted against in ways they never should have been. “I’ve never felt even something as minor as ill-will towards a child in my life. Certainly never my own. What is happening to me? Is it magic?” Desperate, she unfurls from her little ball and reaches a hand for Phoebe, snagging in her clothes like a scared child reaching for their mother’s skirts. Hererochromatic eyes are ringed by bloodshot vessels, and she looks very small and lost. “Please, I know it isn’t right. I don’t know what to do.” Ru isn’t above throwing away all pride and history with Phoebe if it means freeing herself from this void of blackness.

I'm ready to hope, swing me out of the low
Wide awake in the glow, I can't do it alone

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

Phoebe sat, remaining silent and attentive. She had expected some hostility, some resentment from their shared past. But whatever dislike there might've been seemed to dissipate in the despair that filled the other woman to the brim. The Nightingale nodded slowly as Hotaru explained herself further, and when she grabbed at her clothes, she laid a hand over hers. Despite Hotaru's fears, she would find no judgement in the midwife's gaze. One did not pursue her line of work without seeing cases such as hers.

"It isn't magic. You aren't suffering a madness. You've nothing contagious. It's just a very bad case of baby blues and it is very common." she said gently, an empathetic smile on her face. "You had a stressful pregnancy. Twins in particular are hard on the body. And this is a very common occurrence. Women just don't talk about it." she explained.

Hotaru

The hand that covers hers is warm, and Hotaru searches the midwife’s face desperately as she begins to speak. Her own crumples further with each word, fingers loosening as they lose all strength and motivation to cling. There are still no tears, only a shadowed acceptance that looks more like defeat.

“Blues? That can’t be right. I want to hurt my babies. How can that be normal?” She pulls her hands back to fist them in her hair, staring down between her knees. It takes a monumental effort to not pull and rip and tear, to brush her hair backwards and remove her hands instead. It’s not that she doesn’t believe Phoebe, but the wording makes her doubt herself, the intensity of what she’s feeling. “How can I fix it? Remi won’t let me see them if I feel this way. If it’s normal there has to be treatment right? Like healing magic?” Hotaru doesn’t know what magic can and cannot achieve, especially the healing arts. For as pathetic as she looks now, Hotaru has a body and soul built for war and ruination, not mending.

I'm ready to hope, swing me out of the low
Wide awake in the glow, I can't do it alone

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

As her hands loosen, Phoebe's tighten. She did not know how severe this case was, but she would rather not risk the woman striking herself or her. The midwife watched as the Valkyrie crumbled and cried out, remaining calm despite the distressing circumstances. The revelation that she had wanted to hurt her children, not just vague ruminations of generalized death did catch her off guard. Remi's curt note back suddenly made more sense. Apparently she owed him an apology.

"I said common, not normal." she said gently. "And their might be other names for it, but I have always used this term." Medical terminology was not standardized in her world, often made up on the fly. But it did not change the Midwife's understanding of the woman's suffering.

"Mastered healing magic can cure sicknesses of the mind like this." she said nodding. Only problem was, she didn't have that. She just had a basic healing magic and an unknown shift. Though...perhaps the shift Frey had given her had more capabilities. "This is an odd question but...do you know anything about shifting? How to do it I mean?"

Hotaru

Phoebe’s gentle words are at odds with her grip, but the combination is somehow grounding. It helps pull her from her tight ball, and steadies the breathing that had begun to quicken. She’d never acted on her desires to harm her twins, and hadn’t told Remi of that, but by bringing them along she’d endangered all of them. Whether it was intentional…even Hotaru doesn’t know.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. A cure to focus on. But she isn’t sure she knows anyone with healing magic. The woman from the tunnels in Halo, Evie, but the magic of others was still relatively secret to her. Hotaru had met few other Abandoned individuals. Broken from her pondering by the odd question, Hotaru seems to settle more with a problem to focus on, and she turns slightly towards Phoebe. “Frey Attuned me recently, yes. Shifting is easy enough for me now. Do you need to be walked through it?” Hotaru isn’t sure what to even offer with how unexpected the query had been.

I'm ready to hope, swing me out of the low
Wide awake in the glow, I can't do it alone

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

Phoebe's eyes widened a fraction in surprise. But her gaze remained friendly and turned into a small smile. "I didn't realize you were close to Frey. I am too." she said. With this knew bit of knowledge, the Nightingale felt greater pressure to help her. If she couldn't help Frey's devout, she would be a rather poor demigoddess to them, wouldn't she?

"Frey recently blessed me to be their demigoddess, like Remi is to Ludo and Ronin to Safrin. I have a shift but...I've not been able to figure out how to get into it." she explained. "Some mythical animals have healing powers...it is possible mine might have the strength to heal you. The other ability I have is healing related as well." It was a gamble...but it wasn't outside the realm of possibilities.

Hotaru

Hotaru manages a weak smile. “Yes. The twins were actually conceived at their shrine, in their presence.” There’s a wry humor to the words, one she hopes Phoebe will understand and enjoy.

The idea is farfetched, admittedly, but Hotaru has come this far. Even the slimmest chance is one she refuses not to reach for. So instead she shuffled around to sit facing Phoebe instead of side by side. “Okay. At least we can try and fail if nothing else.” Taking a deep steadying breath Hotaru tries to focus. To find that inner maternal teacher. “You want to sit relaxed and still, and try to lose all touch with your outside body. Close your eyes. Imagine you are floating in a pool that’s the exact same warmth as your own body. Focus entirely inward. Forget that you have any boundaries to your skin. That it takes any shape at all. There is only you.” Her voice turns melodic, soothing, encouraging Phoebe to follow along and slow her breathing to the rhythm of her voice.

It’s almost disorienting how different she sounds, how quickly she is able to slip into this role. An impeccable actress, almost to the point of concern.

“Don’t envision what you imagine you might be. Find the thread inside you that feels other. Every form feels different. It might be subtle, but it’s distinctly inhuman. Then I want you to pull on it, and imagine it wrapping around you.” And hopefully the natural desire to shift would come over her, and the rest would follow along.

I'm ready to hope, swing me out of the low
Wide awake in the glow, I can't do it alone

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

Phoebe laughed lightly, nodding her head. "That much I had been told. Remi needed to explain that much." she said. To each their own, but Remi seemed very content with his desire for men and Hotaru was anything but!

Thankfully Hotaru is willing to try this far fetched plan. "And if we fail, I will help find you a healer." she said. Perhaps even Frey themselves would aid the cause. If Hotaru was favored by them, they might be so inclined as to intervene.

Phoebe closed her eyes, listening closely to the other woman's words. It was amazing really how so suddenly pulled together she was. Quite the actress! But...well she wasn't putting on a show with her sickness now, was she? What if she really did want to hurt the children, and getting her approval was her way to get Remi's permission to see them again! Bubbles and knots of worry wound up in her core. She would never be able to forgive herself if -

Her mental deluge of anxiety was stopped short by a noise. A small one, just a twig snap. But suddenly she felt alert and focused. What was it? Who was there? She was in a new and strange place - really there could be anything! Not realizing it, the Nightingale began to settle on instincts, pulling at that unfamiliar thread of focused startled energy. Just as she began to relax, a leaf of all things fell and she jumped.

But she did not shriek. Oh no, she whinnied.

Phoebe was disoriented as she scrambled up - or tried as she found herself suddenly struggling to lift her torso up. What on earth had happened...and why was her head suddenly so far off the ground? She tried to speak in alarm but instead of words a very loud neigh came from her lips...which felt oddly flappy and large.

Hotaru on the other hand would behold a young, pure white unicorn with an iridescent horn, prancing nervously in place, tail swishing in alarm.

Hotaru

“Thank you,” she breathes, and feels like there is finally a light beginning to bloom in the blackness. But these are all future sentiments, reliant upon Hotaru being able to guide Phoebe through the act of shifting. Maybe that’s why she is able to compartmentalize so well, aware that if she fails she will only have to go longer without seeing her children.

It seems those worries are unfounded however, as Phoebe shifts beautifully - as naturally as most Attuned, once they know where to look - and even her wild and startled reaction cannot prompt a laugh from the grieving woman. A small twitch of the lips more grimace than smile steals across her face.

She changes, deciding on her hawk form lest the woman’s unicorn-instincts fear the more predatory mountain lion. Its okay Phoebe. You did it. Hold still, it’ll take some time to adjust to your new body and you don’t want to fall. And by the way - you’re a unicorn. And it’s the last straw, that reminder of the companion she has lost. In this form, connected as they are, Hotaru’s walls turn to little more than dust and debris. And Phoebe will feel it - all of it - seasons of grief and loss; Sunjata, Nate, Atlas. The stress of Halo, of Safrin’s judgement, Noah and Deimos’ absence. Remi and the twins, and the shame and loneliness that eats like a slow acid at her soul. And then the blackness - the depression, the desire for it all to end. It is all there, cloying up the bond like a miasmic concoction of sensations and emotions. Dragging Phoebe down with her unintentionally into the pit she’d been living in for seasons.

I'm ready to hope, swing me out of the low
Wide awake in the glow, I can't do it alone

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

A...a unicorn?!

Slowly Phoebe tilted her head forward, heart still racing from the sudden...well...everything really. But...apparently she couldn't actually see what was directly in front of her. Which...made sense. Horses had more side-set eyes didn't they? And so she tilted her heads slightly, and low and behold a silvery hoof with white feathering where her wrists and hands ought to be. A shiver ran down her spine and she shook, feeling the hair of her mane and tail whip back and forth. It was strange but not at the same time? She wasn't sure she had the words to describe it...

And then Hotaru's emotional state swept over her like floodwaters.

Her heart ached, a soft whinny forced through heavy lip. It was a punch in the gut, a swirling darkness that consumed all it touched. It was a feeling she knew all to well, but she had escaped, while Ru still wallowed. In spite of the weight of the depression she now felt in equal measure, the Nightingale did her best to project back...well...anything but! Warmth, compassion, empathy - she reached towards the hawk-formed woman in an invisible embrace. "Oh, Hotaru..." she said softly. What else was there to say? Apologies wouldn't help, that she knew all too well.

Instead she approached with great care, reaching to touch her with either her snout or horn - whichever made most sense based on her position. Unicorns had healing powers, or so she had heard. Large, round eyes closed as she focused, hoping to find such a power within her own shift so that she might heal the hurts Hotaru felt from the inside out.

Hotaru

There is a certain benefit to taking on a more animalistic form. Human emotions and entanglements seem muted, capable of being compartmentalized - or shoved far, far away. It is a small bit of assistance, but Hotaru clings to it all the same. The beauty of Phoebe's form is a welcome distraction for only a moment - the gleam of the ivory horn on her dished face making Hotaru ache anew with mourning for Atlas.

It is pushed at stubbornly from Phoebe's side of the bond, and it startles the Valkyrie, feathers fluffing up in instinctual defensiveness. She hadn't been focusing on the connection when the woman had shifted. As such she had not thought to try and control her own emotional state, to try and spare the midwife from...everything. Too much to name, to describe. At least Phoebe can only feel the emotion - overwhelming as it is, at least it is not something more intimate, more devastating.

There is a moment as Phoebe approaches that Hotaru tenses, wanting to run. To take to the skies where the demigoddess could not touch her. Where she could be alone in her suffering. Not stripped bare and seen through like a discarded piece of glass. Her pride, her strength, the parts of her that stood up and kept walking through fire time and time again balking at the idea of reaching out to the hand offered in aid. Hotaru had made it through so much worse, hadn't she? So why rely on anybody else now?

But she is so tired.

She wants her babies back. She has lost everything else - Nate and Sunjata, Atlas, Halo, the Gods, Remi - and this is the one thing she can do to try and get one tiny piece back.

So she leans forward to press her tiny feathered head to Phoebe's soft muzzle, and shudders hard all over as the woman's magic spreads through her body. It is disorienting, to say the least. There are no physical wounds to heal, and yet she can feel something being repaired. It leaves her with a distinct sense of disorientation and nausea. It knocks her backward, wings flaring wide to try and offset the stumble, leaving imprints in the dirt. And when she opens her eyes again, everything sharp and narrowed in with her hawk vision, she takes a breath and -

There.

The clarity she was missing, had known was just out of reach but couldn't obtain. Horror, confusion, disgust. How could she have ever felt the way she had? Hotaru had only ever wanted to be a mother her entire life, and she'd known that even in the depths of her...whatever it was Phoebe had called it. But now, with some unseen fracture repaired, she no longer feels that encroaching darkness. That sweet voice whispering that the twins would be safer with her - if they were all in Mort's arms. Herself and them.

She is suddenly human again, and retching pitifully into the dirt, golden hair spilling around her in a sad but appreciated veil to conceal her shame. Hacking and spitting, she heaves for breath, panic and relief warring for control of her state of mind. "What the fuck. What the fuck," she wheezes, eyes filling with tears she can't conceive of the reason for. Rocking backwards, she stares up at Phoebe's unicorn form from the ground, horrified. "I...I never...it wasn't me. It was, but - Phoebe, I've birthed and raised so many children and lost them. I would never - you have to believe me." The urgency is a new panic that has her heart fluttering in her breast. Moving to her knees, Hotaru bows her head, shoulders shaking. "Thank you. Thank you. Gods." It isn't a permanent fix, at least not for the other things. For the affliction Phoebe was familiar with? Gods, she hopes so. But nothing can truly fix the grief of everything else. But for now, it's like a well-bandaged laceration. Numbed and forgotten behind layers of gauze. And for the first time in seasons, she feels like herself.

I'm ready to hope, swing me out of the low
Wide awake in the glow, I can't do it alone

PHOEBE

Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again

As Hotaru shifted back, so did Phoebe, though mostly from the surprise of the sudden shift in her emotions. The Nightingale fell to her knees, but after a moment to gather her surroundings, she scooted closer to Hotaru. "It's okay, everything is okay, just breathe..." she coached gently, supporting the older woman by her shoulders and tucking her hair back.

"I know. I know." She assured softly, a small smile on her lips. It...it work! It seemed it had worked! In an instant the reality of her baby blues had come to a halt and her true feelings showed themselves. Hotaru was a mother. To wish her own child dead had been the last thing she should have expected of herself. It was amazing really, and though she was tempted to sit and think about the medical implications of it, she had a patient sitting in front of her.

"I've never healed something like this before, so I want you to wait a few days so I can observe how you recover before you go find Remi." she said, careful to put the onus on herself. She wasn't sure Hotaru's psyche could handle any more blame at the moment. "But right now, just try and calm down, okay? If you keep vomiting you'll be dehydrated and emotional!" she said with a light laugh.