My mind is where it bent

The alchemist ran a hands across his eyes as he made his way back from the Infirmary. Without the rising and falling of the sun Remi had absolutely no idea what time it was, and given his recent blood-loss and all the drama of the proceeding few days he had no idea if his body needed sleep because of the hour, or simply because of everything else that was sapping at his energy. Pale from Isla's bite and weariness, Remi walked back slowly and silently towards the Rathskeller. He hadn't told anyone where he had been headed, as Isla had pointed out. So where Vai might have noticed his absence and decided to let him make his own choices, something told Remi that Sam would be less inclined to view Remi's disappearance favourably. Especially in light of the conversation between them that had gone unresolved. And so, weary though he was, Remi searched for Sam. remi Too long till I drown in your hands

Sam had not seen Remi leave. The panic he'd had upon discovering he was missing had been enough to knock him off his feet, hyperventilating breaths he didn't really have making his chest tight and his head numb. Eventually he'd been convinced to step away from the door (which he had been trying to open with shaking fingers that couldn't handle the locks) and guided to a back room, laid on a bed. Several people had tried to speak to him, but he was only interested in Remi. Thoughtless panic mixed with at least I said I love you and but he didn't say it back in his head. His eyes wet with tears that had begun to hurt (and then hurt emotionally, because he only felt it because of the upgrade Remi had made) he stared at the wall in the back room. Passionately, he wished he was at home, that he had never gone outside, that he had never made friends or found a lover; Jigano had fallen out with him and Remi was likely dead. It had all ultimately been a pointless endeavour that would only hurt in the end. Before he knew it, another sob was coming. Sam loudly wailed in the bed, grabbing the blanket and pulling it close to his chest as he cried. Samuel Skin too tight and eyes like marbles You spin me high, so watch me as I glide Before I tumble homeward, homeward

Vai gave the alchemist an unimpressed look. She was too busy to say more than a few words, but the summary of what she had to express was clear enough. Sam was in one of the back rooms, thinking the very worst. Rushing to where the huntress indicated he could find his...his...—well, more on that soon—Remi dashed into the room despite the overwhelming bout of dizziness that suddenly swept over him. That was why as he immediately knelt next to the bookmaker, he sort of collapsed into it. Skin pale, forehead slightly dewy and his breathing laboured and weary, Remi ran his hands over Sam's shoulder and back, whispering hushed encouragement and reassurances. "Sam, I am so sorry." He whispered, leaning down to press his lips against the bit of Sam's cheek he should reach, exhaling warmly against him and closing his eyes with a soft sigh. Remi had never before felt so tired. But that hardly mattered now. "I just went to see Isla in the infirmary to make sure she was alright. I should have told you where I was going." He continued, a hand moving to stroke through Sam's hair should he allow it. "I did not think.." Flinching at the sound of his own words, he could practically hear Jigano laughing at him. The worst part was, it was true. Remi just hadn't thought, and it was Sam who was paying for it. remi Too long till I drown in your hands

When he heard the door open Sam didn't move at all, too far gone to care who would see him cry; but then he heard Remi's voice and turned around so quickly he nearly fell off the bed. Immediately a fresh wave of tears came over him, his arms coming to wrap tight around Remi. He could only sob wordlessly for a while, unable to form the words and unsure this wasn't a dream. "...I..I th-thought...y-you died." He eventually said against the fabric of Remi's shirt. "You made m-me pr..promise to say Goodbye. W...what about you?" He moved a hand up to cup at Remi's neck, then stopped as his fingers felt...wet? Sam brought them to his face and saw blood, then panicked and pulled Remi down to see-- Sam didn't understand what he was seeing. It was a bite mark. He hadn't made it. Remi had been to Isla. Remi liked to be bitten. He stared at the bite with shaking pupils and an openly betrayed expression, but said nothing. The tears on his face even stopped with his shock. Samuel Skin too tight and eyes like marbles You spin me high, so watch me as I glide Before I tumble homeward, homeward

"No, no." Remi chuckled, moving to allow Sam whatever purchase of him that he wanted. The tear tracks on Sam's face only underlined what an absolutely selfish idiot he'd been, and through his exhaustion, a few found energy sparked in his belly with the sole intention of kicking him straight in the gut for his stupidity. "I know. I...it was just upstairs. I did not.." think? Yes. He'd said that already. "This is new to me. Having someone to ... to tell things to. Like where I go." As Sam ran a hand up Remi's neck, the alchemist flinched away as the bookmaker's fingers found the newly made holes. With a wince, Remi tried to lean in and kiss Sam's tear-stained skin, thinking the surprise on Sam's face had more to do with Remi's well-being, rather than the act of treachery and betrayal he interpreted it as. "I am fine. I thought it had stopped bleeding." He said distractedly, arms trying to further encircle Sam comfortingly. remi Too long till I drown in your hands

He nearly laughed when Remi tried to reassure him about his healing. Sam had never felt his heart grow so cold so fast. The bite could only mean one thing. Remi had gone to seek out another Ascended for another hit, rather than asking him. Remi wasn't here for him. He was here for the teeth, was trying to get a bite wherever he could. Isla had betrayed him too. They were both working together, he was sure, laughing at him. Sam wiped his fingers on the bed then stood up, silently staring with shaking fists at his side for a moment. He didn't know what to do, how to channel the emotions in him. There was relief that Remi was here, the most intense anger he'd ever felt in his life, humilation... Before he'd even really had a chance to think about it, Sam's hand had risen up and smacked Remi hard across the face. His hand connected with a loud slap which he found perversely satisfying. "I lo-love you and you...you d-did this?! With Isla? I thought...I thought it was u-us. I th..thought you saw me." He said the last part in an awfully mocking tone. Remi had always managed to bring out more of his personality, and now he was getting to see the rare sight of an angry, petty Sam. "Fuck--fucking asshole whore." Sam managed to say almost entirely without stuttering before beginning to storm out of the room. Samuel Skin too tight and eyes like marbles You spin me high, so watch me as I glide Before I tumble homeward, homeward

As Sam stood, hands clenched and shaking at his sides a look of inexorable confusion creased Remi's soft features as he stared up at Sam, suddenly the picture of anger. His pale eyes scanned the lines of Sam's face, suddenly grown so hardened and distant, while Remi's own eyes were an anguished mixture of sorrow and weariness.  Before he had the chance to try and piece together this reaction, the flat of Sam's hand struck Remi's cheek. The ascended was far stronger than Remi normally gave him credit for, but it was the gesture in and of itself that was truly wounding. With a wide and perplexed gaze, Remi raised a hand to where the flesh of his cheek softly tingled and sparked with pain, red already blooming against his now-pale skin. "Wh—" He started to say, rising slowly, before the string of nearly whole syllables stopped him just as assuredly as the slap had. At some point Remi's mouth had fallen open, and as he stared uncomprehendingly at Sam, his teeth clicked shut at the word whore. It wasn't clear to whom it was directed, all Remi knew was that it better not have been Isla. As Sam turned to leave, Remi sprang (dizzily) to his feet, stretching out a hand to try and halt the man's departure by taking hold of his hand. "Sam, it is us." He said, though there was a predatory sort of growl mixed in with the words. The lion in him did not take to being hit very well. With a shaky breath, he shook his head looking dazzed, and tired, and wounded. "It is not...it wasn't.." Stopping, eyes closing as he tried to organize his thoughts, Remi tried again. "Isla is there all alone. Neither Jigano or Phoebe came to stay with her as they said. I did not want her to not be prepared. She is an ascended yes, but I would prefer her to have my magic or a shift if she was in trouble." Remi managed finally, a touch breathless with adrenaline, still not piecing together what this had to do with he and Sam. remi Too long till I drown in your hands

Remi's hand grabbing to hold him back sent a jolt throughout Sam's body. He stood frozen still for a while, both regretting what he'd said and wanting to say much more. But then as Remi began to explain, the choice was made for him and he whipped around. Tears were flowing from his eyes again and his body shook with too many emotions at once. "S...so you're..saying i-it wasn't an intimate act. At all." It was a question but it wasn't, his voice dripping in a surprisingly confident sarcasm. "B-both times I've bitten you..I know wh-what you get out of it, Remi. I'm not stupid." The thought made him feel sick, that Remi was just looking for another bite, that it had all been a trick to get a supply; and when he hadn't been enough Remi had immediately gone elsewhere. "I...I th-thought...I thought..." Sam hugged himself. He felt so stupid. Why had he ever thought someone so handsome and brave as Remi would love him? It was false. Blatantly, clearly false, had been from the start. "I thought you saw me...a-as more than..." Sam gestured about his mouth. He could feel his breathing growing erratic again, could sense the brain cloud coming. Sam wrenched his hand from Remi and turned to run out of the door and to a storage back room. Once he was there, in the dark and with the crates, the magic that had been stored in his body worked for him; small crates stacking up around him in the corner until he was hidden, keeping Remi away. Samuel Skin too tight and eyes like marbles You spin me high, so watch me as I glide Before I tumble homeward, homeward

In the moments that Sam seemed to still while Remi’s hand grasped his wrist, the alchemist thought the fire had been doused. A misunderstanding, that was all. But as the ascended turned around, fresh heat and anger and a fount of new tears, a cold wind swept through the barren landscape of his heart. Remi’s eyes did not flicker away from Sam’s, that was a reaction he could control. What he couldn’t though, was the slow bloom of heat on his cheeks. Of course it was intimate. Flashes of the scene upstairs danced in the back of his mind: how he’d shoved Isla against the door, their arms wrapped around each other and the moans that escaped his lips in the subtle shape of her name. Still....that wasn’t the point of it. The point had been to protect Isla. (Right?) “Not intentionally, it—“ But apparently Sam wasn’t looking for an actual answer, and as he started speaking again, Remi fell silent. “Yes...it does feel like that.” He admitted, the slap mark from Sam’s hand slowly bleeding away as his cheeks flushed with new colour. “But the point was what she got out of it. Magic, a way to protect herself—“ Frowning as Sam gestured to his teeth, Remi tried to take a step forward and renew the contact that Sam had shucked off when he’d chosen to hold himself, rather than the alchemist’s hand. “It is not about that at all. “ He said in earnest, a rising sort of panic contorting his words now. As Sam fled, for a moment Remi dumbly stood in the entrance way of the room. All he wanted was to go to bed, to sleep and rest and let his mind try and understand. But of course Sam wouldn’t understand that. Not only because the man didn’t need to sleep, but because he would surely interpret the seconds stretching into hours as waning affection on Remi’s part. As a lack of caring. And so he sighed and moved to follow. What he hadn’t expect though, was for Sam to hide. ”Sam?” Remi called out in a stage whisper, his eyes subtly shifting so that he could see in the dark better. But with the multitude of people milling about, of things stacked in random placed, Remi didn’t notice at all the way the crates had rearranged themselves. remi Too long till I drown in your hands

He couldn't hear Remi's footsteps behind him as he left, so Sam assumed he had truly been abandoned, left to fester by himself away from the glimmer of a better life he'd been teased with. The darkness he had found in the corner covered by crates was comforting. Even though he could see with his Ascended eyes the grain of the wood in perfect detail if he chose to, the lack of things in the corner was still easier to take in. His head sunk into his hands as he began to sob, unable to really form any thoughts, just anger about Remi and Isla and an uncontrollable, overwhelming sadness. Without Sam's knowledge, furniture in the room continued to slide towards the corner and stack itself up over him, crates and shelves and bottles, all dragging themselves towards him like he was the centre of gravity in a star. A shelf would drag across the floor right next to Remi as it pulled towards Sam. All he wanted was protection, security. A way to have Remi without having to deal with him. A way to have love without difficulties (or at least, for like, a week). Samuel Skin too tight and eyes like marbles You spin me high, so watch me as I glide Before I tumble homeward, homeward

Remi watched as the furniture began to slide across the room. At first adrenaline and panic roared in his veins, thinking that this was the indication that something had come in with Ronin and Aoife, but shifting his eyes fully to see in the low light, Remi could see that the objects were all assembling themselves around one point in particular. One point softly crying. Sam. The air seemed pulled from Remi's lungs as he stepped aside to watch the shelf slowly drift towards the corner. For what felt like an eternity he simply watched the objects in the room form a protective barrier around Sam, Remi keenly feeling the weight of each object crushing his heart as if Sam had buried the alchemist beneath them, rather than fortifying them around him. The alchemist had never been hid from before. No one ever had reason to. And then he'd been a lion and almost murdered Zero. And now he seemingly had broken Sam's heart only hours after having received it. The fact that it appeared Jigano was right wasn't even the worst part of all of this, it was the stretching and cold sadness that filled places Sam had fit himself into. Places Remi hadn't even known had been reopened, but now that he could feel the fresh wounds, he understood. "Sam..." Remi whispered, his voice carrying easily now that it was directed into the corner and not just a vague question in the hallway. "I was only trying to help Isla. To keep her safe. The way it felt..." Remi sighed, ruffling a hand through his hair which had started to sprout feathers. "That was not why. It is not why I am with you, either." He added in a low and sad voice. remi Too long till I drown in your hands

The items scattering and dragging across the floor slowed to a halt as Remi began to speak, Sam lifting his head to listen. But he quickly dropped back down into a curled up mess, crying further. Remi still didn't understand. He was still making excuses. Didn't he see what a betrayal it was? To, only hours after Sam had confessed his love, go to do something distinctly sexual with someone else? Had they consummated the lust from the bite? Had Remi touched Isla the same way he touched Sam? Moaned the same way? Had she been better? "Y-you c-c-c-co-" Sam shook his head and tried to gather himself, his stuttering voice impossibly quiet under the stack of items around him already. "You cou-couldn't have done anything else? Br-bring her down here? Gi-give her a ma-magic weapon? I know you can. D-don't...don't insult me by...by pretending this wasn't for you too. Please." Could he not see how selfish he was being? How utterly cruel? Samuel Skin too tight and eyes like marbles You spin me high, so watch me as I glide Before I tumble homeward, homeward

Remi winced as the sound of Sam's stuttering increased. The alchemist knew little of speech impediments, but he assumed that Sam's speech was likely to degrade with his levels of upset or stress just as Remis did . "I tried." Remi implored unhappily. " I asked her to come down, but she refused. She has patients up there who need her. And I considered staying there with her, but I assumed you wouldn't like that. And--" Remi fished into his pocket, pulling out the black stone softly glowing green in the darkness. All was well. Upstairs anyways. . "I made this so that she could let me know if she needed help, or if I did. But the infirmary is not close. Anything could happen between the time she pressed the button and when I reached her." Remi sighed, running his fingers through curls that had begun to sprout feathers with his agitation. "She is a medic not a fighter Sam. What good would a weapon do her? At least as a lion she'd have those instincts. Or as a bird or raccoon she could hide." Wearily Remi regarded the pile of furniture that hid Sam. "Isla and I are just friends. We always have been. If I could make it not feel like that, I would. But I can't and neither can she. It was the only way to help her." remi Too long till I drown in your hands

Sam listened to what Remi said and wished he hadn't as he felt his mind split in two. On one hand, he understand what was being said. Isla could do with the help. On the other, it still felt like such betrayal that Remi had not even asked first. Had not thought to. Had easily and without even a second's delay tossed away Sam's feelings and new presence in his life. His resolve began to crumble into despair. The tension left the structure around him, the magic noticeably sighing out of it and the crates relaxing against each other. Still, he didn't emerge from it. "...I...I th-think you should have asked me. But...ma-maybe you don't...I mean you d-didn't say you loved me..o-or anything and..." Like a shot to his heart he realised Remi may have just considered him a casual fling, someone for sex and bites (though he seemed insistent on denying it) and nothing else. Such a thought was hell for Sam, who only ever gave his heart fully and openly, could not kiss without love, could not touch without tenderness. "I...was an idi-idiot. Thinking that...y-y-you. Could love...me." Samuel Skin too tight and eyes like marbles You spin me high, so watch me as I glide Before I tumble homeward, homeward