Above A Lonely Sea

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

It had been a long, long day after they got home. Nate still feels wrung out, gritty in ways he doesn’t want to, and he can hardly imagine how Sunjata feels. At least the attuned is asleep, a feat that had taken most of a bottle and a long conversation that stretched out into the small hours of the night.

The sun has been up for hours, but Nate doesn’t want to move, not yet. It’s warm here, in a comfortable way, the fire crackling warmly beside him and Sunjata in his arms. Every now and then Nate swears a hand through his husbands hair, brushing away the crease that forms between his brows and the frown that tugs at his scarred face.

Snow falls outside, filling the house with a looming silence. It’s too quiet with just them. There’s something missing. Something that isn’t the faint, distant tinkle of bells, Nate not concerned about the sound immediately. Honestly, he’s thinking about coffee, and something for Sunjata to eat. He doesn’t need to be told how poorly the attuned are in the time between his coming back and Nates coming back.

Leaning in, Nate presses a gentle kiss to Sunjata’s forehead, words murmured against his skin. “Amati? You hungry?”

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE

// ready or not here i come
did i take you from the bats in the woods? //

He’s exhausted. Physically and mentally and all he wants to do is sleep for a billion years until everything difficult blows over. It’s impossible though, he knows this, but he tries his best to get the most amount of sleep he can in his drunken stupor until he wakes up to silence apart from the crackling of logs in the fireplace and the quiet empty and cold space at the foot of the bed. Nate’s voice is a balm and an anchor he casts himself to, stirring with a pinch to his brows and his eyes squeezed tightly shut.

He nestles into Nate a bit more, a quiet groan leaving him as his feathers peek out over his shoulders and neck, smooth navy feathers that cover any open expanse of skin. “Mmm…” It’s an attempt to say ‘hmm’ but it comes out not quite right, and he shakes his head into Nate to try and wake himself up more. Steel eyes open blearily and he peers up at Nate, squinting through the added light from the snow, fingers twisting into the blankets.

“What are we having?” He asks quietly – not feeling hungry at all, but knowing that the nausea in his entire body isn’t solely from the alcohol of the night before. He does need to eat and he’s hoping that Nate has an idea – he’s tired of making choices.

// i'll show you no harm, i know you mean well
but we're up to no good //

SUNJATA

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

Fingers smooth along the bloom of feathers, the touch weaving gently in time with the barely there hum in Nate’s throat. He doesn’t mind the waiting, doesn’t mind letting Sunjata take his time to claw his way back into the waking world. It’s only when words ring out into the room that his hand stops, and his head shifts against Sunjata.

“Hmmm...” Nate articulates his hum much better, the sound buzzing along every place Sunjata presses against his chest. “There’s a few peaches left. Could bake ‘em, and have them over oatmeal.” It’s simple, it’s sweet, it’s filling. No one could turn the thought down, and Nate is counting on that, already shifting to sit up and bundle Sunjata up in his arms.

I need you smaller if you want me to carry you down the ladder, prediletto. A translation whispers through the bond, my darling, Nate filled with the same cozy warmth of the bed.

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE

may we dance until it rains, may we drink to hide our shame. we're all pretty when we die

The second hum is one he can feel, one he clings to as he presses himself into his husband as much as he can. His fingers twist again briefly until he starts to draw away, enough to peer up at Nate’s face through dark, shadowed steel. The offer of peaches and baking them, however, has his gaze brightening up a little bit, though, and he works his jaw – swallowing hard after a second. “That sounds good.” He says through a hoarse throat, torn up by cigarettes. The bandages around his neck he slips off before he’s nodding to Nate’s mental words.

A few seconds later and Sunjata’s shifted into his snake form, one that curls and slips around Nate’s frame, curling around his neck and arm just enough that his head can nestle in against the Ascended’s shoulder – his tongue poking out now and then toward his husband’s face. Is this better? He asks, having the bat shift and the bird shift as well, but imagining the snake was by far the most comforting. If nothing else, he knows last night was rough for him – he can only imagine how rough it had been for Nate with Sunjata not actively focused on the walls of the Attuned bond.

And if nothing else, at least the pressure of how big the shift is might give Nate something to cling to.

SUNJATA

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

A chuckle rumbles though Nate, his arms tightening as Sunjata starts to pull away, just for a moment. “I know it sounds good.” There’s no small amount of smugness in his voice, the ascended doing his best to be normal, to treat Sunjata normally.

The blanket slips through Nate’s arms as his husbands shape shrinks, a dense, smooth body coiling into his shirt a lighting a glow in his chest. “Its perfect, Sunny.” A hand lifts to steady the body looped around his chest as he leaves himself to his feet, dragging a blanket with him and throwing it around his shoulders to help maintain some warmth. Nate slips down the ladder without another thought, pausing to give Sunjata the stance to shift back into himself if he wants.

It’s one of only a handful of rooms they have that are actually functional, the kitchen and the bedrooms the most important, though even they exist in a state of half finished blankness. Nate gets to work quickly, starting a fire in the oven and collecting utensils and ingredients, making sure to make noise with every motion. The house is too empty to be silent as well, especially with the fat flakes of snow drifting past the cracks in the shutters.

“Do you want to help?” Nate offers, trying to not sound too reluctant about it.

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE

// ready or not here i come
did i take you from the bats in the woods? //

He’s so thankful that Nate is acting normal, it helps give a baseline for the Attuned to try and keep his mind from drifting. The shifting helps too, slinking into Nate’s shirt and soaking up in the warmth and the pulsed light that appears from his husband's skin wherever he presses harder.

They make it down the ladder and Sunjaya takes the opportunity to shift back into himself, following Nate’s lead, his gaze lingering along his husband even as he speeds up his steps a few moments longer just to cling closer — a hand in Nate’s until he can’t anymore and he’s resigned to leaning against a counter, arms crossed as he fiddles with the hem of his sleeve, before reaching up to rub at the bright pink fresh scars again.

It’s a question that has Sunjata’s brows raising, his head nodding before he has a chance to think about the answer. “Can I stir something?” He asks, arms lowering to push himself up onto the counter, to get as much out of the way of Nate as possible as the pots and pans make a rhythm in the quietly somber house. “Is Pemota nearby?” He asks offhandedly, waiting to help Nate with whatever he needs, while quietly craving the warmth his husband’s companion can offer to his void.

// i'll show you no harm, i know you mean well
but we're up to no good //

SUNJATA

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

The blanket moves from Nate's shoulders to Sunjata's when the attuned slips back into his most common form. Despite the newness of the space Nate makes the prep go by in a flash, a pot of water already heating on the stove when he pauses, slipping between Sunjata’s knees. Blue eyes stare up into the steel with a ferocious intensity, Nate’s hands reaching up and closing around his husbands jaw, pulling his face closer. “Of course you can stir something.” His mouth says, while his mind whispers You’re perfect. I love you so much. He tries to not let his irritation show when he still has to lift up on his toes to press a quirk, hard kiss against the other.

“Um...” Nate can feel his companion nearby, though he’d be hard pressed to say exactly where. “Somewhere, yeah. She’s upset about the snow, so... inside for sure.” A shrug rolls over his shoulders, the ascended smiling lightly and beckoning for his companion, only for both of them to be met with a sudden wall irritation. Only Sunjata will hear the voice ring out in his mind though, haughty and sharp, just as Pemota surges through the doorway. Irritating. Nate throws an apologetic look towards his husband, and busies himself with the peaches and a sturdy clay dish while the starwhal settles above Sunjata, just out of reach.

With the first steps of everything done, there’s nothing to do but wait for a bit, Nate drifting back towards Sunjata. He leans against the counter, smiling up at the other man. “What do you want to do today, Sunbeam?”

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE

// ready or not here i come
did i take you from the bats in the woods? //

His hand finds his wrist, idly twisting while he watches Nate prep and get things going on the stove, though he only starts to pay attention when Nate fits himself between his knees. There’s a shine of clarity there that spreads, a moment where Sunjata leans down into his husband’s hands even as Nate draws him closer himself. There’s a pulse of gratitude that slips from him as he parses the combination – the mental words and the audible ones, the agreement of stirring paired with the compliment and the I love you that has his brows pinching, has him leaning into Nate’s lips with ease. I love you too. He replies back, just in time it seems.

Because Nate pulls away, says that Pemota is nearby, and gods he’s hit with a sensation that has him quirking up further even as the dish is pressed into his hands. He begins to stir, unsure what it is he is stirring but happy to have something to do to help out. Still, it doesn’t stop him from glancing up at the Starwhale above him, squinting as the scars on his neck tug with the movement – unused to such a thing just yet. Hey, it’ll be okay. He rumbles to Pemota specifically, pausing to consider something.

It’s dashed away in a second, however, when Nate’s nickname greets him and his head drops to let his gaze scan over Nate – ease flickering over his face. “We could check out the area maybe? We haven’t gotten a chance to venture out too far yet together… Ria’s with her teacher so she won’t be home for a while.” He pauses, licking his lips in thought. “Getting some more firewood couldn’t hurt.” His head tilts head as he returns to the bowl to see how the stirring is going before he stops again. “Hey uh… I talked to Safrin recently.” He chews on his cheek, his gaze lifting to scan his husband. “I didn’t agree to anything, before you worry. I asked her if I could think about it.” And obviously she agreed, because here he was, still the same just missing part of his soul.

But still. “She brought up you. And asked me if I wanted to be a demigod too.”

// i'll show you no harm, i know you mean well
but we're up to no good //

SUNJATA

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

Contentment and joy radiate warmly through the bond, easing even Pemota’s sour mood a touch. Not enough to keep her from dipping low enough to bat the top of Sunjata’s head with her tail instead of responding to him, lingering in the new, lower position and letting her tail stay pressed to the top of the attuned’s head. For his benefit, obviously.

Adoration pools on Nate’s face as he sees ease melt over Sunjata’s feature. “I think that sounds good. I haven’t really poked around too much. Most of the treks he’d made had been linear, the ascended going to a destination and not enjoying the wander. “We might as well figure out what’s around before it snows more.” There’s a little bit of a tease in Nate’s tone, his head a chuckle leaving him. “It can’t hurt to have more.” There was a stockpile of firewood, but it’s gotten colder sooner than they’d expected, and at least one fire is constantly going at all times. It adds up.

“Oh yeah?” For the moment, all the mention of Safrin does is remind Nate he needs to speak to the Voice about creating a shrine in Kings End. It’s more than a little inconvenient making the trek to the Grounds every time he needs to refresh himself. He wasn’t worried, not until Sunjata was reassuring him. And Nate trusts his husband, of course he does, but if this is the preamble, then what happened? What did she offer? And when the answer comes, all Nate can say is “Oh.”

Oh.

It’s quick, almost impossible to catch, but Sunjata will see the minute shift in Nate’s smile, the slight tilt of his head. It’s greasier now, not wrong, but definitely not what it was a moment ago. “I can’t imagine the things she has to say about me.” His smile widens, the tip of his tongue dipping out to wet his lips.

All at once, he’s busy again, grabbing mugs and making them each a cup of of the tea he’s been insisting on lately, a home blended concoction of lemon, ginger, and a few other spices. ‘For your throat!’ Nate insists every time. And by the time the cup is set beside Sunjata, there’s other tasks ready to be done, Nate keeping his eyes on the breakfast taking shape, chopped peaches added to the dish in the attuned’s hands. It takes a moment before he speaks again, voice intentionally casual. “Do you want to be a Demi-god for her?”

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE

// ready or not here i come
did i take you from the bats in the woods? //

The feeling of Pemota’s tail batting his head almost has him wanting to send a small ‘hey what the fuck’ to the starwhale, but he stops as soon as Pemota remains closer, a constant contact that Sunjaya halfway focuses on as he stirs the bowl and essentially stirs his life up too.

Because things appear to be going well, talk of getting more firewood and exploring, and that beautiful smile that’s crossed Nate’s face begins to shift into something else, something he recognizes. So he focuses on the stirring again, peeling his gaze away from Nate as the peaches are dropped into the bowl and he begins to stir them in.

There’s tea and it seems Nate’s working to busy himself even more as he asks what Sunjata wants to do. And truthfully, he doesn’t know either. It has its perks, it has its downsides, and he silent as he stirs the bowl to figure out just what to say, but he doesn’t hide the warring feeling within him. “I don’t know.” He finally says, withdrawing a fraction into himself as he continues to stare at the bowl.

“I’m… tied to her but not like that would make me. But if war is coming and one of the perks is immortality…” He works his jaw, unsure of what he’s even saying makes sense or was an irrational fear. “I could have magic to keep us safe too.” There’s a pang of guilt Nate might feel, one that reverberates around the loss of Haai, of not being enough, of always wanting to be a protector and how much he constantly failed. A pang of guilt because he knows Nate’s whole goal was to keep him safe and here he was considering taking matters into his own hands.

He reaches up to rub the bridge of his nose, to work his jaw. “I don’t know.” And there’s a part of him that begins to shut down again, an eerie quiet silence from him as he picks up the tea to take a long sip from it.

// i'll show you no harm, i know you mean well
but we're up to no good //

SUNJATA

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

They'd come here to get away from things like this, hadn't they? To get distance, to simply be with each other. What a childish wish. Nate sighs, and scoops some oats into the boiling water, chewing his lip while he does. "There has to be some other way to get immortality." He mumbles, focusing on one point at a time. It would be nice, but the cost of it isn't something Nate really wants to think about. As for magic though... "It's not just your job to keep us safe. We work together, right?" He spares a hand to reach out and squeeze Sunjata's knee tightly, before returning to his cooking.

It's always one thing to know something, and another thing entirely to hear it. It isn't even a solid answer, isn't even a 'Yes', but the repeated words combined with the stillness from the attuned have Nate stilling, his spice-filled hands hovering over the pot. His mind works, a hum that would be obvious even without the blood ring, as he tries to find a way out of this, tries to figure something out that would work, that could possibly keep them safe. And... there is one thing.

He waits until Sunjata has set his mug down again before he speaks, still not moving, not even to glance over at his husband. "You know... The Voice could give you that." His side of the bond is also carefully quiet, matching his voice for the most part, though a note of desperation enters his tone as he continues. "She'd have you, I know she would, and then we wouldn't have to worry about any of this. It wouldn't be a problem, I-" Stopping short as he turns and looks over at Sunjata, what little colour there usually is in Nate's face drains away.

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE

// ready or not here i come
did i take you from the bats in the woods? //

Sunjata’s quiet, slowly working to close in on himself and his emotions – hiding what parts of him away that he can from the Attuned bond and everything else – focusing on the tea in his hands that he sets to the side to finish stirring. And even Pemota’s calming aura isn’t much help for the war that rampages within him. His gaze lifts when Nate squeezes his knee, though, the Attuned working his jaw and nodding before his gaze drops again. “We work together.” He agrees quietly, almost ashamed he’d brought up the idea in the first place.

But as Nate continues, there’s a sense of dread that pools in his stomach, his gaze focusing harder on some speck on the floor – something else from looking at his husband. It isn’t until the desperation in Nate’s voice grows and there’s a moment where he cuts himself off, stopping short, and Sunjata’s head lifts to look at Nate as he swallows hard, jaw working enough to move the tendon in his temple. His words are selfish each time they come to mind and he can’t quite grasp the way to say them without sounding so self involved. But he can’t not say them either. “There’s never been an Attuned Ascended before.” He begins, testing the waters tentatively. “Would I even get that far with Safrin still tied to me?” Would the Voice have to burn Safrin out of me the way she did with you? “And if – if things go wrong… Really wrong with the war…” Well, they both wouldn’t live through it to see the end anyway.

At least Sunjata had a fighting chance, not tied to Safrin the way Nate was the Voice.

He shakes his head and gets off the counter, setting everything aside, slipping closer to Nate despite how much internally he wants to hide away, and wraps his arms around Nate’s middle, tightly, and burying his face between Nate’s shoulder blades. I’m sorry I brought it up. I’m just… Afraid of whether I do it or I don’t. The fear of being his utmost potential to help keep Nate safe, to keep him alive, to keep them together. And so far, it feels like he’s failed.

// i'll show you no harm, i know you mean well
but we're up to no good //

SUNJATA

you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling

It shouldn’t hurt to hear the delicate words that come out of Sunjata. Honestly, Nate isn’t even sure if it’s the words themselves that hurt, or the tone they come out in. His side of the bond is quiet, empty, a pinch appearing between his brows, cracking the mask. Not a word is said of the obvious, Nate slipping past it in an airy voice. “I’m sure there’s a way.” Obviously there was, his mind creeping towards the curse that had been burned out of him as well. He doesn’t remember the pain of it anymore.

Nate sucks in a shaky gasp at the final point though, his eyes sparkling with a manic brightness. “If things go bad, we’d be together. And if they go well, we’d be together forever!” His gaze drops again to the pot as he forces himself to return to the breakfast. He grabs the dish Sunjata had been stirring when it’s placed down and scoops the oatmeal on top, spreading it out before covering it and setting it in the rough oven.

At least, that’s what he means to do.

Sunjata catches him before he’s managed to cover the dish, Nate freezing completely for the second time in too short a span. A long moment passes before a tremble starts in his hands and he sets the dish down again. Slowly, he turns in his husbands grasp, pulling the attuned’s head to rest against his shoulder before leaning in to hide his own face. Don’t. I... I would rather know before. Nate sighs, fingers twisting in the length of hair at the back of Sunjata’s neck. I don’t know what to do. I just... I don’t want you to be any further from me.

& you're trembling and he reaches over

and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist

NATE

// ready or not here i come
did i take you from the bats in the woods? //

He doesn’t know what to say to the ‘I’m sure there’s a way’ because it feels like a constant uttering — said so much now that it almost feels like white noise. He chews his cheek before he decides what to do, hearing the shakiness in Nate’s voice, the desperation within. He knows this, they both know this, and Sunjata could explode it or he could soothe it.

He doesn’t know if he can handle another argument, so he settles for the other option, swallowing down his worries and fear to lean into his husband’s comforting touch. “We could be together forever either way.” He mumbles as he moves to press himself against Nate’s spine. He interrupts Nate’s plan to move the dish into the oven but when he feels the tremor in the demigod that he feels in his own body, in his thundering heartbeat, he’s useless when Nate turns and he nestles his head into Nate’s shoulder, shutting his eyes tight.

His hands clasp behind Nate’s back, now, and his nose is pressed against his husband’s collarbone as he soothes his breathing and his heart. And I just don’t want to lose you again. His voice is fragile, like glass as he focuses on how to say it next. I don’t necessarily want to become a demigod. It’s just… would it be stupid not to take the power when I can? Before the war? He buries his face further, harder into Nate’s shoulder to where it almost hurts. I’m already tied to her, more so now because I’m terrified of losing you. His heart thunders under the tattoo spread along his sternum. And if the old gods lose, I imagine it’ll be just like being Accepted again, right? Or so he thinks.

Would it really be that terrible? It isn’t like it would kill him the way Nate losing the Voice would.

// i'll show you no harm, i know you mean well
but we're up to no good //

SUNJATA