don't take me tongue tied

Maybe all you need is someone to trust

Sometimes you fuck up a little and sometimes you fuck up a lot. Lately, it feels like Locke is the king of fucking up a lot. How he ended up here was as much of a guess to him as anyone else, probably. The Barrows were confusing on a good day, even worse when you've decided that a drug addled binge is a good way of dealing with fatherhood. At this point, he's not even sure how many days have passed. All he knows is it's getting colder and darker by the day.

But maybe it's better if he's stuck in this endless maze of gravestones. He licks his nose, resting his head on his paw from his perch. His mother used to tell him stories that climbing to the top of these stairs would grant your wishes, give you powers, all it's given him is a vantage point.

At least the snow is is pretty from here. Especially at night. The hunting isn't too bad either. Yeah, he could live here. No one needs to know he used to be a man, right? Jaguars totally live in King's End.. Right?

LOCKE

don't be scared

you're like the calmest slit to my neck

Honestly, the only reason he’d ventured out this far is to make sure that the threat of that spectral griffin is truly gone. Not that he doesn’t trust his husband to have killed it, but he wants to be sure they cover all their bases for anyone else that may have been caught in the line of fire for the rampage that the daemon had gone on.

So far, the trek has been uneventful, Sunjata unable to find much of anything. Which is a good thing, but also somewhat of a bad thing given he still doesn’t know where the mother and those two twins came from. He doesn’t know whether they’ve left anything behind. Doesn’t know if there’s a father out there wondering what happened to his sons and wife.

And gods, those twins are something Sunjata cannot get out of his head.

So he finds the steps and drifts toward them out of pure boredom, slinking up the stairs in his panther shift, steel eyes peeled for anything unusual again. So far, nothing, until he nears the top and spies a jaguar of all things. There’s a part of him that’s hesitant, wondering if it’s another spectral ghost in the night, but given that he’s in the one escape route he dares to call out toward it. Hello?

bring me in closer

SUNJATA

Maybe all you need is someone to trust

The voice pricks at the back of his brain and it takes him a second to remember what words are and who it belongs to. For a fraction of a second, raw anger cracks along the bond but he manages to mostly reel it back in. Slowly, Locke pushes himself up onto his paws, twisting his head to look down at the panther. It's weird, seeing something so familiar. But last time he'd seen that form, it had belonged to Nate.

You're a long way from home. Maybe. Nate never did tell me where you two were going. Ignoring the fact that he's about a month's travel from home. It's fine. His spotted tail swishes from side to side, despite the choked down anger. It's really not Sunjata he's mad at but.. He's just kind of mad in general.

Guess I'm supposed to say hello, how are you, all that shit. How is the cold treating you?

LOCKE

don't be scared

you're like the calmest slit to my neck

He watches the panther rise to his feet and Sunjata’s not that wary in comparison – not at first at least, until Locke’s anger flickers down the bond like a match being struck and Sunjata’s gaze hardens a fraction, ears twitching between perking forward out of curiosity and flickering back in a bit of protectiveness. His whiskers twitch as he remains in place, unsure what exactly Locke’s gripe with him right now is about, but he lets it settle in the air between them as Locke drags it back. And all Sunjata can offer across the bond is a smooth indifference.

Not long. A day, maybe, if I take my time. He offers, though he doesn’t quite give out the location. If Nate hadn’t then Sunjata plans to keep it close to his chest as well. Still, he can’t help the slight bit of jealousy that sparks in his chest at the mention of Nate so casually, but the panther bites it down as he keeps his steel gaze trained on the jaguar. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. He offers by way of small talk. Honestly? I hate the fucking cold and I hate snow. He admits, swallowing down any other emotions he has (relief, perhaps? That Locke seems to be back?) to offer a pulse of amusement.

You’ve been gone for a while. He sends back over the bond, sitting back on his haunches, lifting his head high toward the larger feline at the top of the steps.

bring me in closer

SUNJATA

Maybe all you need is someone to trust

He should probably ignore the way Sunjata's ears twitch or the tension that suddenly flairs up between them. Deep down, he really does like the other man. If only he could get over his own stupidity. He matches the body language as casually as he can. He has the high ground here, the bigger shift, he can handle a fight. Not that he wants one.

There are a lot of things Locke expects to feel from Sunjata but jealousy isn't one of them. Everything Locke has ever wanted, Sunjata already has, as far as he knows anyway. But he'll take the fleeting emotion. S'pretty here, at least. You two picked a good spot. His head tilts a bit as he watches the other cat, whiskers twitching towards the other. I kinda like it. S'fun to play in. He'll take amusement over whatever the fuck the two were doing before.

Have I? So he knew then? Locke can't say he's not curious.Did she come crawling back in your bed again?  She always seems to when I leave. Wasn't he trying to be civil?

LOCKE

don't be scared

you're like the calmest slit to my neck

Sunjata isn’t particularly interested in a fight, not since Haai died, not since everything happened. So he’s content to try and alleviate whatever emotions he has, swallowing them down in order to make this as pleasant as possible. After all, he’s never had anything against Locke. And the jealousy he has is ridiculous in nature, given how much he knows Nate loves him. But still, there’s that smaller part of him that questions it with the closeness he knows Nate and Locke share.

I think so too. He murmurs about the view of King’s End. As for the rest of it, he snorts – breath clouding in front of his face a brief second before it’s gone again. He’s half tempted to ask what was so fun when it got in between each toe and every crevice before his mind fails him and he mentions Locke’s been gone awhile. Which of course, opens up its own can of worms.

There’s discomfort that spreads across the bond like ink, swelling before Sunjata tempers it down, his tail flicking against the snow covered steps. She tried to get me to stay the night once before we left Torchline officially. He admits honestly, the feline’s whiskers twitching as his gaze slips away from Locke to look pretty much anywhere else. She told me she was pregnant then. I panicked but she was so sure it wasn’t mine and I didn’t want to give anyone in Torchline a different idea. His gaze slips back to Locke. Doesn’t seem to have mattered, though. He huffs a sigh, ears perking forward. That walk through Torchline just a few weeks ago seemed to suggest other thoughts, and there’s a part of him relieved that Locke is at least alive, that he might be able to stake his claim on the boy and squash those rumors where they began. If it's worth anything to you, I’m sorry.

bring me in closer

SUNJATA

Maybe all you need is someone to trust

He was expecting something more but Sunjata doesn't give it to him. Probably for the best but Locke's self preservation has gone squarely down the drain lately. Or maybe he just wants to work off the agitation he feels. Either way, Sunjata doesn't give him that. He tries not to be mad about it, tail lashing as a fine coating of snow starts to fall. He could almost laugh about it.

His eyes narrow when Sunjata's meet his. Locke already knew about this. Kind of. He knew that they had slept together, not that she had asked him to stay. Of course she did. His claws dig into the stone as the other looks way. It's worth nothing to me, Sunjata. Not really. Sorry doesn't change the fact that people think my son is your's. Hell, I'm not even sure if he's mine. Have you seen him? He looks nothing like me. The anger bubbles up again, something too far out of his control. One of his claws breaks against the stone but he doesn't notice.

Sorry doesn't change the fact that she always loved you. She came crying to me, you know, when Nate turned her away. Do you know what that's like, Sunjata? He hisses, hackles raised as he stands. For too long he's been upset about this with no outlet, Sunjata just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time it seemed. Do you know what it's like to hold the person you love while they're crying for someone else?

She said she wanted me but I think I was just good enough, close enough, to what she really wanted.

LOCKE

don't be scared

you're like the calmest slit to my neck

Claws dig into stone and Sunjata braces himself, but he’s not too sure what for. Not yet. Not until it starts pouring from Locke, the anger and the frustration, the upset that spirals and burns against the hollow void Sunjata’s become, a piece of himself he’s kept hidden away even from Nate. Somehow it’s an anchor point, something else to focus on, especially when they’ve come to the same agreement. Those grey eyes specifically.

Still, as Locke’s hackles raise, Sunjata’s head ducks a fraction, ears flattening to his skull. I have seen him. He announces quietly, his voice far closer to a whisper than an announcement. And I know. He knows that Edmund looks like him. But the timing doesn’t add up, not in this godforsaken place.

It’s only when Locke lets the little bit slip about love that Sunjata perks up – everything coming across the bond stops with sudden confusion, a sudden realization that seems to stop him completely. And he’s still, tail refraining from flickering, the flecks of snow piling up on his pelt like pale little spots just like Locke portrays, only reversed.

I didn’t know. Sunjata admits, shaking his head finally, the snow falling from his head and clumping with the rest of it on the ground beside him. She never told me, Locke. Hopefully the honesty comes across. I – He cuts himself off sharply, a low rumble in his throat as he very much bites down on his tongue. I don’t know what that’s like. Comes the final admission. He’s had everything he wanted. He’s never held someone close to him that didn’t want him.

But he hadn’t known.

Suddenly, Sunjata stands, against his better judgement and takes a few steps closer to Locke. I told her not to get attached. I didn’t even know she was with you until you told me. When I talked to her about it... She said it started after her and I had been together before Nate got back.

bring me in closer

SUNJATA

Maybe all you need is someone to trust

He doesn't know what hurts worse, that Sunjata agrees or that he didn't know. Golden eyes meet grey for a moment before he's looking down, watching snow collect in paw prints. He feels guilty, ashamed, too many things to name really. He can't even think of anything to say. Maybe he's already said it. Maybe it doesn't matter.

The snow sinks in through his fur but he hardly notices it, hardly notices anything until Sunjata moves, drawing closer. He finally looks up, ears folding back, eyes narrowing. Maybe for her it had. His voice is sad, maybe resigned, and the anger he was feeling before leaks from him as he sinks down into the snow again.

I've fucked plenty of people but she was the first person I ever just slept with. First person I just wanted to spend time with. He growls softly, trying to figure out how he's feeling. Mostly just cold. I thought if I ran off to make something of myself, to become a dragoon, that maybe I'd be worthy of her. Only to find out that you'd scooped her up in the meantime. Maybe if I hadn't left..

M'sorry. None of this was Sunjata's fault, not really. All he had done was exist.

LOCKE

don't be scared

you're like the calmest slit to my neck

He expects Locke to make the first strike the second Sunjata slips closer, but when it doesn’t come – when that open bond feeling of sorrow crosses the bond between them, Sunjata nearly stumbles. He catches himself, catches Locke’s gaze, a reflection of sorts as he peers upon the bigger cat. He hadn’t expected this to hurt in the way that it does, but his heart breaks for Locke. Perhaps it’s just that he’s feeling more of his emotions now that Haai isn’t there to temper them. Now that it’s just himself, missing a vast part of himself, that makes empathy that much easier to come by.

Locke sinks down into the snow and Sunjata creeps a few steps forward, nodding in understanding. Isn’t that how it had been with Lusea? How he’d gone through his usual coping measures until everything changed for her and he hadn’t entirely been the same since? Don’t be sorry. His accented voice cuts in, the panther moving to lay beside the jaguar, to share some of his warmth. It’s not your fault either. He says with that very same steel in his voice that he’d had back when he was a governor. A certain edge to it, one that seemed to ring more powerful than he ever thought he was.

Angling his head toward the jaguar, his steel gaze is open and his ears perk forward. I tend to cope with a lot of my issues by masking them with sleeping around. I refused Maeve’s services for a while… Until Nate left and I needed the distraction. He looks away now, placing his head between his paws to stare down the stairs. I was under the assumption it was just business as usual for her. That the deepest it got was a friendship. He huffs another sigh. I’m the one that’s sorry, Locke. As far as he’s concerned, he deserves all the anger.

And perhaps this revelation means that he needs to speak with Maeve in the future.

bring me in closer

SUNJATA

Maybe all you need is someone to trust

The sudden warmth of the other cat snaps him out of whatever funk he's in. A pause and Locke leans against him for a moment, stealing comfort from such an unlikely source. Don't think any of us are to blame really. Just a shitty situation. He's not mad at Maeve, or Sunjata, just himself. But even then, Sunjata's conviction makes him pause in even that. He didn't mean to fall in love with Maeve, just like she didn't mean to fall in love with Sunjata.

I think you and I are a lot alike, in a lot of ways. Humor crackles along the bond. It's one of the reasons he likes Sunjata so much. One of the reasons he likes Nate. He doesn't have to pretend to be someone he isn't. Grime and all. Grey eyes meet gold again and Locke's ears fold back. She told me about that, going to you after Nate left. Sunjata looks away, dejected maybe? Either way, now Locke feels bad. He leans forward, licking Sunjata's shoulder. I don't blame you. I probably would've done the same thing.

He continues to groom Sunjata, if he lets him. It's partially self soothing and partially kitty cat instinct taking over. Be gentle with Mae, if you bring it up to her. She's had a rough year.

LOCKE

don't be scared

you're like the calmest slit to my neck

There’s a brief moment of surprise as Locke eventually leans against him and Sunjata exhales a quiet sigh of relief, nodding his head in response to the other Attuned. True. Sunjata’d had a lot of shitty situations, each one different yet similar in aspects he’d wanted to avoid as much as possible. Yet here they came, one after another, like dominos falling down.

Humor is something Sunjata welcomes across the bond, even reciprocates in a more muted form (partly due to the void he still feels within that he tries to keep hidden from Locke). I think we are. Both not great people, but still trying to be the best they could be, even if the best wasn’t what anyone else thought was right. After all, Sunjata’s hands are tainted in blood, enough to fill a few buckets worth and it was still something he had to cope with time after time.

Did she say anything else? He wonders idly as he focuses on other things, like the small bugs creeping up the stairs and disappearing off the sides. It’s not a distraction enough for the slight bitterness that crosses him as Locke tells him to be gentle with her, when it was typically the things she said to him that sparked his terrible moods. But he lets Locke groom him, surprised that the other feline tries at all. We all have. He says grimly, whiskers twitching as he continues to keep his head between his large dark paws. My companion was killed not that long ago. He can't recall if Locke had ever met the griffin, but if he had, well, then he'd know in more ways than one how much of a loss it would be. Let alone being soul bound and having that ripped out with sharp edged teeth. That and the fires at the Slagveld and Advocates, as well as the raising Nate to governor and stepping down and seemingly vanishing.

bring me in closer

SUNJATA

Maybe all you need is someone to trust

Sunjata doesn't stop his grooming so he keeps going, banishing snow from the darker pelt. He works across the other's shoulders, to his neck and head. If they were human this might be intimate but he barely registers it as anything more than an act of care. She told me about Hotaru and Kamaria too. That you were alone. So was she. That you two met at the citadel. She asked me to give you recipes. Kind of weird, in hindsight.

She told me she was jealous.. Of how much you loved Nate and that she had feelings for you. I should've dropped it then. But I was stupid and in love. Maybe he won't add in the part about how she told him she couldn't be with him. Something sticky floats along the bond, but Locke isn't sure what it is. He tamps it down, focusing on cleaning the top of Sunjata's head. That is until the other cat speaks. Locke would frown if he had lips, but he doesn't. Instead, he moves to rest his head next to the other cat's. Some kind of cat hug, or something.

M'sorry. I never met them but I can't imagine. He's always been jealous of those with companions. To be so closely bonded to something, anything, is so foreign to him. But then he remembers how fragile they can be and maybe it's nothing to be jealous of. Can talk about it if you want. He didn't realize how lonely he had been until he was presented with company, it seems.

LOCKE

don't be scared

you're like the calmest slit to my neck

Locke continues on and Sunjata tries to keep up with all the things he wants to say, so he waits until Locke’s finished, relishing in the quiet grooming – some sort of feline companion that wasn’t simply just hunting with Nate. This was different and the closest he’s gotten to another Attuned with a shift like this (that was intending to harm) and if Locke looks close enough, he might see those three swipes torn through his black pelt, leaving grey scars behind that match scars on his person long before they met.

I’ve… Been lucky enough to have a soulmate twice I think. But Luci, my girl from Korofi, my father killed her. And I had to try and move on from that. I met Nate when I was with Phoebe, when her and I got married and it was like I got a piece of my soul back… And selfishly I didn’t – I don’t, want to have to live again like I did when Luci died. He pauses to glance back at Locke. So I bargained with Safrin a life for a life. I was afraid that if I said no to the offer of her saving Nate if the Old Gods win the war that it would be off the table. I should’ve talked to them first and I didn’t. I fucked over Hotaru but I think Nate understood… After a while. He doesn’t agree of course but it was done out of love. He’s not sure why he’s dumping so much onto Locke about this, but he does know that Nate is Locke’s friend and that Nate considers Locke a good friend too – and perhaps he just wants to be able to explain himself a bit more. There are… Not a lot of people that know me as well as Nate or Hotaru do. He snorts at this, an almost tired exasperated sound.

Maeve certainly doesn’t. But he doesn’t want to sit there and say it would ward Maeve off when Sunjata knows better than to dig his claws into those wounds. So instead, he shifts a bit, slumping to his side to lean into Locke a bit more – as if Locke was the big spoon in this feline hug. Love makes one incredibly stupid. He agrees tiredly. As for Haai… Not sure if I do want to talk about it much. It was like… Attuning, having your soul changed, only to have part of it simply torn out. Ripped out with jagged teeth and sharp claws, left to bleed and pulse and infect the rest of him. I’ve been trying not to think about it much. I have to watch my side of the Attuned bond with Nate. Because of the blood ring. And he already knows he doesn’t do a good enough job at hiding it when night rolls around and he has to sleep.

Speaking of, though, he perks up a little and tries to peer over at Locke. You planning on heading back to Torchline? LongNight’s close, not sure if you’ll make it all the way there in time. He pauses, rushing through these thoughts quickly. You can uh, stay with us for it until Flowerbirth and head back out if you need a place to go?

bring me in closer

SUNJATA