drowning in the fount of pain you poured

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

With newfound trust and strength in her avian figure, the world seems smaller and more manageable. As such, adventure and exploration have returned to her weekly roster of events. She brings the twins when she can - shorter ventures, usually within the Greatwood's borders - but even with their sped up aging they are young and easy to tire, and with no wings or animal forms to carry them swiftly at her side. So Hotaru is in Hak Etme alone as the endless sky and unbroken horizon bleed with all manner of colors as the sunrise looms before her. It is profoundly beautiful, and horribly lonely to experience in solitude.

But that is simply what life is for her now. Those she'd stood side by side with in Halo had vanished from her life in the wake of the invasion. She knows they live because of Deimos, but they never sought her out. It is a hurt she refuses to face or acknowledge. Attachment was never a problem before she came to Caido. Perhaps she is becoming soft the older she gets. Allowing people too close, where they can hurt her with something as simple as their absence or lack of returned affection.

Irritated by the morose nature of her thoughts and yet unable to escape them, she lands and transforms upon the sand, keen eyes sweeping its surface. Ru always travels light on these adventures, and it is time she finds some food.

yet my blood renders me a King

Sah wasn't even really sure how he'd ended up all the way out here. Lost in thought, he and Lilly had wandered further than expected. The future weighed heavily on the Abandoned's mind. He'd previously thought that he'd found the answer as to what he had to do but uncertainty had crept up on him in the last season.

He wanted to keep his loved one safe and happy. Noah, Deimos, Cordelia, and the others. That was his priority. He'd resolved to aid them in their war to do just that. But it was becoming increasingly clear just what that might entail. The destruction of the Voice was expected. But the resulting annihilation of the Ascended was hard to stomach.

Sah was at a crossroads. Did he protect his heart, his people? That would destroy his conscience as it required genocide. Or did he kill his heart to preserve his conscious? There had to be another way but at the moment Sah couldn't see any other paths.

Sah

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

Eventually the woman lets her other shift take over her body, feline figure padding silent across coarse, gritty earth. That is how she hears them - the duality of a two-legged creature walking in step with a four-legged one. Usually that means a companion, and thus it is not a source of food unfortunately. Still, she creeps close enough to sate her curiously; it may kill the cat, but you know what they say about satisfaction.

Sah is certainly not who she was expecting. So far from the icy reaches of the Citadel where last she saw him. Where she was certain her last memory of him would lie. For a moment she falters, pebbles skittering out from under her paws in a way that would surely alert his bonded, but Ru can’t fault herself for the slip up. She has missed him, and yet she is trying to harden her heart against those who had so easily left her behind, forgotten and discarded. The Valkyrie lingers for a moment, staring down at the pair, tail flicking low and slow behind her crouched figure. Until at last she transforms and descends towards them, clad once more in a light dress that the arid wind whips around her legs in a dance of color. She had at least remembered to dress for the climate.

Moving closer, wary but hopeful, Hotaru still can’t help the instinctive need to scan him for injuries as she approaches. “Sah?” Ru isn’t mistaken - she has never forgotten a face - but perhaps he has forgotten hers.

yet my blood renders me a King

The tumbling rocks instantly get Lilly's attention, and her head snaps up just in time to witness Hotaru shift. Following his companion's line of sight, Sah spots the women, and his tense expression softens immediately. "Hotaru!" He meets her half-way, his eyes scanning her for injuries as well. Something in him relaxes when he sees that she's unharmed. Lilly pads behind him curiously, not recognizing the women whom her bonded clearly considers a friend.

"Are you ok? Is your child ok?" The younger Abandoned had heard zero news of the women since Halo's coup and he'd been worried. Although he didn't agree with how things went down or all of her choices, he still cared about her. Seeing Hotaru in one piece thus was a relief. Sah's hands twitch for a second as he suppresses the desire to hug Hotaru, unsure of how that'd be received.

He settles for placing a hand on her shoulder, unable to not reach out somehow. "I'm so sorry that I never sent word. Things have been insane since I last saw you." Sah's eyes scan her once more, "But you're ok, yes?" He can't help but ask again, almost like he's expecting her to vanish before his eyes.

Lilly sniffs Hotaru curiously, tail wagging in greeting. The action pulls Sah from his worry and he gives a small chuckle, "This is Lilly."

Sah

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

His long strides bring him closer much faster than her own, but his energy and concern fizzle like carbonated bubbles up her throat, tickling the back and pressing heat to her eyes. Her sharp eyes catch his hesitation even as his words reach for her, and as his hand lands on her shoulders the Valkyrie takes the decision from him, embracing him with a strength that belies her figure. Holding him tight, squeezing the air from her own lungs, as the possessive cat inside her demands they spread their scent all over him. Declare him as hers, as part of her family clan. A Halovian, and as such a part of her. Forever.

Reluctantly breaking away, a hand - newly scarred from her injury fleeing Halo - lifts to brush long golden hair out of her face as the arid wind tugs at it. “I’m just grateful you’re okay. Deimos said as much, but it’s good to see with my own eyes.” Because of course she had asked after Sah. Hotaru would never doubt Deimos, but it settles her instincts to see the young man whole and hale before her. Able to touch him, to speak with him, instead of being comforted by ghosts and memories.

Backtracking a little, she smiles down at Lilly, offering the wolf her hand to scent. “Hello, Lilly. You remind me so much of my Alice.” Pain creases her pretty face, recalling her own wolf companion from Helovia, the hellhound that had been her first bonded. Lost because of the Voice, and now she has lost Atlas as well. It’s hard to rip herself from those thoughts, but there is better news to speak of, and though the shadows remain in her eyes at least she manages a smile when she looks back up to Sah. “A new scar but I’m well. And it’s children, actually - twins. I rarely ever have singles. They’re both well, happy and healthy despite coming so early.” The relief and gratitude is blatant in her face, smile tired but appreciative.

yet my blood renders me a King

Sah returns the hug just as tightly, burying his face into her neck and taking a deep breath. Letting her warmth and closeness ease the tension from his chest. And although the Outlander was now locked in human skin, his instincts remained, and he was all too happy to reaffirm that she was his pack too. Just as Noah, Deimos, and Cordelia were. His.

Seeing the scar on Hotaru's hand when she pulls away makes his brow pinch in concern. His own hand comes up subconsciously to the new scar on his shoulder from the Longnight monster. Focusing on the conversation helps Sah push the memory of steel and teeth away and a small smile stretches across his face. "I'm sure he did." He feels a slight pang of guilt once more for not contacting Hotaru directly.

As Lilly sniffs the women and gives her a gentle lick, Sah spots the grief in her eyes. He's about to check in with her when her words register. "Twins..?" Suddenly it's difficult to breath as the memories he's been suppressing since arriving to Caido rear their heads. Swallowing harshly, he tries to get his bearings, "That's good to hear. Congratulations." Lilly gives a small whine and presses into his side.

Sah lets out a shaky breath, knowing that his reaction is too strong to brush over. "I...In my world...I had twins." The words are difficult to get out, quiet and filled with grief. The implications clear given that Sah was here in Caido.

Sah

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

Releasing him is more difficult than she had expected, but then again she hadn’t been forced to contend with new instincts last time she’d seen him. Still, it’s a necessity for conversation that isn’t pressed right up against his skin, though she lingers close even as her arms unwind from his figure. Heedless of the heat and the way it coalesces as their body heat multiplies in the space between.

Her eyes sharply move to his hand as it subconsciously rises, frowning. “Are you okay? Deimos told me there was an attack.” He’d also said there’d been no casualties, but that doesn’t mean Sah hadn’t been wounded. She’s momentarily distracted by Lilly’s warm tongue against her hand, missing the pain that crosses his face moments after her own. What she doesn’t miss is Lilly’s abandonment to comfort her bonded, and as the Valkyrie’s gaze returns to Sah she instinctively moves closer at the expression of profound pain he wears, hand rising to the shoulder he’d gestured to in a sharp, worried movement.

Except then he’s sharing a grief she knows all too well. One she has personally concealed from all others, refusing to freely share it the way he does. The hand that had lifted instead turns to cradle his nape, squeezing it in comfort as her own chest caves in with fresh reminder of loss. “Do they still live?” her voice wavers, eyes bright and with a sharp desperation as they bore into Sah’s. Had he been forced to abandon them, or had they experienced the same fate as her own?

yet my blood renders me a King

The fresh scar on his shoulder still aches at times, but it's the agony in his heart that has Sah's eyes screwing tightly as he shakes his head. "My world is gone...lost to its own apocalypse." He explains quietly, recalling the horror of his last day there. The fire and terror that had overwhelmed his world. "Everything went black, and I woke up in Caido like this." Had he died? Sometimes it felt that way.  

Sah leans into the comfort Hotaru offers, head dropping to her shoulder as small tremors overtake him. "They didn't come with me. I can only assume that they and their mothers..." His voice cracks as speech becomes impossible. The younger Abandoned isn't much of a crier but a few tears do manage to escape, "They were so beautiful. Only 2  Deepfrosts old."

Now that he's talking about them, for the first time since coming to Caido, Sah finds himself unable to stop. "I... their mothers were dear friends of mine who couldn't have pups. They asked me to be their surrogate and although I was 19, I said yes." He manages to stand up straight, eyes locking on Hotaru's as grief overwhelms him. "Ru I loved those pups so much. Before they were born, I had no idea that I could ever love anyone that much."

It seemed like Sah had lost more than your typical Outlander when coming to Caido. Adapting to his new world had taken precedence, but now? In the safety that was being in the arms of someone who cared, the grief fought its way to the surface.

Sah

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

Empathetic is not a word many would use for the Valkyrie, but her eyes close beneath a wellspring of grief as her hand squeezes firmly upon his sun-warmed skin. She knows how it feels, to lose everyone and everything and to be spit out in an entirely different world, in different skin, unsure if you even wanted to keep going much less how to.

As Sah’s head drops to her shoulder her other arm comes to wrap around his waist, cradling him close like a mother would. For all her petite stature, she is strong enough to carry his burdens.

Only as his voice cracks and his words trail does she speak, the hand at his neck rising to gently comb through his hair with her fingers. “Even time can never truly heal this pain,” she whispers as she stares past his shoulder into the sky, hateful and burning at the injustice. “We have lived such similar lives, and I wish we hadn’t. That you didn’t have to feel this all so young.” With his face against her shoulder it is all too easy to envision him as Enzo, as Rui’n or Casca or Galadriel, the sons she had never seen grow up and the one she prays she will.

“I don’t know if this will be a comfort to you. Sometimes, not knowing is so much harder. Always wondering.” And then finally being given an answer, and knowing you were just barely too late. But no, this isn’t her story this time. “I watched my eldest twins die as my world burned. They were killed by a false god, and our own gods died trying to stabilize a portal we were all forced into if we didn’t fight.” Gods how she had fought though. We’re it not for her lover, she would have followed her twins into the beyond, but instead she had been forced to live for her remaining children. Only to lose them all regardless. “Unlike the other children who I lost by not ending up on the same side of the portal, I know they were dead.” Her voice cracks and her eyes squeeze shut, forcing tears to at last overflow across her cheeks silently. “Except…except one of them made it here somehow.” Her voice shakes, tears welling in her eyes as the hand that strokes his head begins to tremble.

“So they may yet live. Without you, which is cruel and unfair, but I would rather my children live without me than not at all.” And if he loves them as he says he does, Ru knows he will feel the same. Except her story? Her second chance? It has no happy ending.

yet my blood renders me a King

Sah trembles when Hotaru embraces him, the sudden rush of gratefulness that surges through him nearly knocking him off his feet. The young Abandoned listens to her story, realizing that unlike everyone else whom he'd even vaguely mentioned this grief to, Hotaru understands.  They were so similar it was astounding. Shared loss and shared grief. He could only hope that his presence, this hug, helped Hotaru as much as it helped him.

Sah gives a small nod of acknowledgment against her shoulder as she speaks, "I hope they're alive and well with their mothers. I... I felt the death of my Goddess, the Goddesses of my kind so it seems unlikely...but I hope." The chances were incredibly slim given that the world had all but caved in on itself into a void, but if there was even a sliver of a chance? Sah hoped that they'd made it out. Though who knows what had been on the other side, maybe another world as well?

Feeling the hand in his hair continue to shake, Sah stands up, taking her hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze of reassurance. "What happened?" He doesn't specify but the question is clear. What happened to Hotaru's other son? The one who died in Caido before the twins were born?

Sah

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

It does help, somehow the need to be strong for him intertwining with the starving creature inside that has needed physical affection since the fire. "You made it here, did you not?" she points out in a murmur against the crown of his head, gentle fingers untangling an errant curl. "Our Gods may have died, and yet we're still here somehow." In some ways she still wishes she wasn't, but it's a dark thought that Ru knows she'll never be free of. That what if.

As he straightens and his hand finds hers, she finally blinks and tears her gaze away from the sky, the wetness of her cheeks and the thick film in her mismatched eyes the only sign of her grief. Still holding tight to her control. It's for naught when he asks - when his warm hand squeezes her own, and his question pierces through to the heart of the matter. Fire burns up her throat, clicking as she swallows spasmodically, fingers twitching beneath Sah's.

"He...The Voice's creations, the failed ones, they became the monsters of LongNight. He was caught outside, and -" shoulders shake, and the hand at his head tears away to clasp over her mouth, fingertips splaying to dig into the soft flesh of her eyes as a gurgle of noise too hurt to be human escapes. When Kiada had told her she'd somehow held it together, her niece already so distraught with her own guilt and the belief Hotaru would hate her. She can't, now. It flows between her fingers in a torrent of choked sobs, teeth gritted against the overflow.

yet my blood renders me a King

Sah makes a shushing noise and pulls Hotaru into his embrace, resting his chin on her head. "I'm so sorry." He means them more than just about anything else he's said since coming to Caido. Apart from the statement of how much he loved his twins that is. Sah feels her grief as it were his own and his heart aches that she has had to experience the same loss as him. And he feels an echo of the LongNight monster's teeth in his shoulder and can't fight the shudder that goes through him of the idea of that being turned on a child.

Sah finds himself rambling to try and distract her from her grief. Or maybe it's to soothe his own now that it's been cut open and lays bleeding at their feet. "Their names were Luka and Soleil. Although I was their surrogate, I was still a part of their lives, still their dad. How could I have? I loved them, still love them, more than life itself. They were so sweet, just like one of their mothers." A watery chuckle leaves him. "Their other mother was a firecracker. I'm kind of glad that they didn't take after her."

Sah lets out a long sigh, trying to fight the burning in his eyes. "I don't want any more kids to be lost Ru. I hate war, this war especially. How the fuck am I supposed to choose a side when both demand death? How can I side with gods who not just allow, but encourage murder?" Both New and Old demanded payment in blood of those they hated, always blood of innocents. It made Sah sick.

Sah

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

Even the break in this dam cannot flood her. She hides beneath his chin, enveloped in his warmth all around, and suffocates the emotion within her until the threatening flame is a smoldering coal once more. Her shoulders shake sporadically as she tries to reign herself in, tormented by memories of Ru’in’s beautiful creations, his drawling voice, the softness of his eyes so alike her own. She’d never even gotten the chance to hold him again. He had died alone, for the second time, and not even had the macabre honor of his sister following in his wake to accompany him a second time.

Sah’s voice is more sensation than sound at first, his chest vibrating beneath her cheek as he speaks. It pulls her from the depths, slow but insistent, and she hides in his grief and his recollections instead of her own. It’s easier somehow, even with the burn of empathy. “You were their father. No matter how it happened, it doesn’t change that.” Ru has pulled many lost children beneath her wing in her own time. They were her children as readily as any she’d birthed herself.

Pulling back just enough, the Valkyrie gently cups his cheek with one hand, wishing she could make any of this easier. “There won’t be. Safrin has extended her magic to all children in Caido - if the war threatens them at all, her magic will pull them safely away.” A comfort that she dearly hopes to share with him. Regardless of where they live, their parents, Outlander or Native, they will be safe from the war at least. “We are barely blinks in the span of their existence. It doesn’t make it right, or moral, but we don’t cry over the lives of ants or flies. How can we ask them to?” Though she is unaware of just what he’s tormented by, this at least is a cold comfort she can share.

yet my blood renders me a King

Sah nods, letting out a sigh. "I was...I still am." Even with them gone, the Abandoned would always be their father and he would always feel their loss with his every heartbeat. He imagines that Hotaru feels the same about her own children.

Eyeing his fellow Abandoned as she attempts to comfort him, Sah can only sigh. It seems she doesn't know.  "I'm glad that Safrin is protecting some. But... it's not enough." It's painful to bring this up, especially to someone who he can imagine will react similarly to how he did. "Hotaru, do you know what happens to Abandoned in Stormbreak? I mean beyond the fact that if we go there, we die?" He reaches up and takes the hand on his cheek and gives it a squeeze. A sign of comfort and solidarity, but also a warning of what he's about to say.

Gritting his teeth to suppress his rage and grief, Sah continues before she can guess. "Abandoned children are killed, Hotaru. There's some kind of magic or barrier there. If someone is carrying an Abandoned child, they will either miscarriage or the child will be stillborn." The younger Abandoned practically trembles with rage, "Safrin has chosen to save the children alive and I'm thankful for it, but why are some children, children like us, not even allowed to live?" The Goddess' protection was a blessing, but why was it only given to some children? Why not all?

Sah shakes his head, "The Old Gods seek the genocide of the Ascended and refuse to let innocent Abandoned children live. The Voice forces her followers to be fully depending on her for survival so that they can never go against her or live without her. It's madness." It made Sah wonder how some could devote themselves so wholly to the Gods of Caido. Even those he knew and trusted seemed to brush off the worst crimes of their own deities while amplifying the crimes of others.

Sah