Rebuilding What Was Lost

SAMUEL i am the ocean, crawling madly at your moon. and with one wanton whoop — "You d-don't...remember Loren or Ianto?" As horrible as the situation was and even though he would feel some guilt for this later, Sam felt a petty and sly joy at Remi's forgetting the men he had been considering his competition. While he'd liked the affection for Loren to leave without Remi's memory of him, it was still a bit of a victory to take among all the pain. "...M..more than a friend." He hoped the reminder would not panic Remi further. "I...s-suppose Ludo replaced..your m-memories, in..instead of just erasing them." He said, with a frown. At least Remi had some kind of reference point for what he was talking about, but it just made him feel like he was lying, implanting himself into tales where he didn't belong. Skipping over what had happened in Remi's hospital bed the first time he visited, Sam continued. "Then...u-um...my family...you sp-spoke up to my father. No one does that. It was...amazing." A proud smile played about his lips at this, Sam speaking quietly as if he was still worried his father was going to smash through the wall any second. "Then...well, y-you started staying over sometimes, then it wa-was Longnight...we mo-mostly spent it together in the temple. You...you made us a little b-bed. In the alcoves. Do you remember that?" — i melt into a sycophantic soup, & all that's left to do, is giggle, fawn, and swoon.

The alchemist shook his head. "No, only what Vai mentioned, which..was not much." However as Sam said that Ianto had been more than a friend, Remi's teeth grit against one another as his hand balled into a fist. "I have—" He began, then chomped down sickly on the words. I've been with more than one man? The idea was so inconceivable that the alchemist almost wanted to laugh. Indeed, as he drew his knees almost protectively against his chest, he did sort of utter a dark chuckle as he shook his head. "Yes. That makes sense I suppose ... that way if no one ever filled me in, I would never know. Even now, I suppose I have no way of knowing just how much I have lost." He murmured, wrapping his arms around his shins and leaning his chin against his knees. Rather than whatever brave and capable figure Sam thought he knew, Remi looked very young and uncertain. For all that the bookmaker might have hated about the men in his past, they had done so much to make Remi the man that he was. Or, had been, rather. Glancing over uncertainly, Remi smiled gently as he nodded. There was likely more to it than just what the bookmaker was saying. Speaking to someone couldn't be that amazing of a task after all. Again, the alchemist shook his head, flinching as Sam mentioned that he'd been staying over. "No. Well, yes. I remember sleeping in the alcove. I made a rough bed there for Ronin and I to sit after he'd come in to tell us about Vanya. And since it was already there, I stayed. " Another nervous glance was hastened towards Sam. They had stayed there? Together? In the open? Two men in— —with a dizzy sort of moan, Remi ran his hands through his hair and nodded for Sam to continue. REMI So come on, get higher, loosen my lips, faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard and drown me in love

SAMUEL i am the ocean, crawling madly at your moon. and with one wanton whoop — Sam nodded solemnly. If Remi had lost all of his memories of being with men at all, he supposed he could see why it was such a cause of concern, especially if he only remembered Northhaven's attitudes towards it. The issue was so big, so difficult that Sam had no idea of how to start to tackle it. Before he'd been the one with the more obvious problems, the one who was looked after. With their roles reversed, he was lost. Again he had been cut out from the memory like he was a page ripped from a book. Sam was about to find a way to gently fill Remi in on how much they had used the temple alcove when the other man let out a moan and fell forward. Sam instinctively reached out but stopped his hand awkwardly mid-air between their chairs. "Are you...al-alright, Remi? I...I know this is ha-hard for you. But. It's safe here. I...would never hu-hurt you and no one here..c-cares about being with...about you know. Two men." Or if they did, they had kept it quiet enough that it had not yet affected Sam's life. "Would you l..like a moment alone? I c-could go downstairs." — i melt into a sycophantic soup, & all that's left to do, is giggle, fawn, and swoon.

"Hard?" Remi repeated with another of those dark and uncharacteristic laughs. He raised his head from his hands, giving Sam a look that was so unlike him, his face youthful but aged by the lines of weariness and despair. "That everyone knows I am.." He swallowed. "..gay aside...that is not it." Clenching his teeth together, Remi looked around the room, as if trying to latch onto something familiar. But of course there was nothing. With a weary sigh, Remi suddenly looking and feeling foolish, he glanced across at Sam and shook his head. Though he'd noticed the blue ( :| ) of Sam's eyes, without the prevalence of blue-eyed men in his life, it was simply another colour. Pretty enough, a nice contrast to his copper hair and freckles, but it drew no reaction from the alchemist now. "No, I am alright. You should not have to leave in your own shop." He replied with an apologetic smile. Running his hands through his hair, Remi leaned back against the chair though kept his knees upright, tracing patterns against them with the feather. "I...it is a shock to know that everyone knows something about me that I kept a closely guarded secret my whole life. It is perhaps one of only two things I have ever lied about, or tried to keep hidden." The other having to do with a man, and a very old friend. That he certainly still remembered. "But to know that..." Remi's head shook slightly and tears wanted to prickle against the back of his eyes, but he batted them away. "..that at some point that changed...that I acted on what I had always tried to hide.." Biting the inside of his lip, he glanced quickly and awkwardly towards Sam, before turning his attention back to the feather. "I had thought perhaps you were the first. But from what you have said, you...were not." Swallowing uncertainly, Remi continued to shake his head in a sort of slow and disbelieving metronome-like rhythm. "An entire lifetime of hiding it. Of fighting it. To know that at some point I stopped, that I gave in and presumably it was okay, and to not remember. The biggest moment of my life...and I do not remember it happening." At some point his voice had fallen to a whisper and his hands had begun to shake as he gently twirled the feather. REMI So come on, get higher, loosen my lips, faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard and drown me in love

SAMUEL i am the ocean, crawling madly at your moon. and with one wanton whoop — Every time this Remi looked at him with his sad eyes and did that awful, bitter laugh, Sam felt his soul move a little further away. It was striking him more and more with every minute how much this wasn't the man he had known. He still felt the love he'd had in his heart, bled with empathy for his plight, but...this wasn't his boyfriend. This wasn't Remi, who had learned how to turn feathers gold just for him. This wasn't Remi, who had chased bats out of his attic as a lion and scared everyone half to death. This wasn't Remi, who had had quite a ferocious sexual appetite but now flinched at the word 'kissing'. The man he had loved was likely gone, replaced with someone he recognised in appearance only; Sam was not sure if his feelings could stretch enough to fit this new Remi too. But despite all of this Sam was still an empathetic soul, so he listened to Remi's plight with slow nods and a pressed-together line in his lips. When he finally did speak it was after a moment of careful consideration, his eyes focused somewhere above the Alchemist's head. "Well...m-maybe you've l..lost that moment. But. You c-could make a n..new one. And..for you it would b-be...still the first. So...perhaps..you haven't actually l-lost it. It just hasn't h..happened yet, for you." He wasn't sure if this was making sense, the idea rooted in the kind of circular thinking he often engaged in to make things more bearable for himself. "It d-doesn't have to be soon, or...or..." Sam's voice dropped to a sad whisper. "Or with m-me." He knew that seeing Remi with someone else would destroy him, would be a blow he could not return from, but Sam couldn't rip the chance away from him. Remi had no reason now to be his, no connection, no history; why wouldn't he go for someone with more charisma, a more handsome face? "...It...w-will happen again. Because you are...w-worthy. Of love, how you..how you want it." — i melt into a sycophantic soup, & all that's left to do, is giggle, fawn, and swoon.

The alchemist merely shrugged. "Yes. I suppose. But ... it still happened. With someone. There was a first already, my ignorance does not change that." He said with a sad sort of finality. With a pained sort of expression, Remi glanced over, just barely hearing the three whispered words: or with me. "I am sorry Samuel. This cannot be easy on you either. Were we..." close? Remi felt his insides churn unhappily, but he continued on. "..were we together for long? " It couldn't have been too long, for Remi simply had not been here long enough for that to have happened. He quite literally could not imagine the scenario that would have led the two to begin dating (and not due to any qualities Sam did or did not possess, merely that Remi could not imagine himself being with anyone), but it indeed must have happened. REMI So come on, get higher, loosen my lips, faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard and drown me in love

SAMUEL i am the ocean, crawling madly at your moon. and with one wanton whoop — "..I...suppose." He sighed, sad he couldn't help Remi look at things better. Remi had always been the one picking him up, helping him out of his depressive thinking; he had not realised how difficult it could be. Sam had honestly expected Remi to hear the story then go running, never speak to him again; but he presented a question. Thinking for a moment, Sam smiled. It had only been a short time, but Gods...what a time it had been. "Ab-about a month. Not...v-very long, but...we went through a l-lot. You...mean a lot to me, Remi. I ho-hope it doesn't...hurt you to hear that." It definitely hurt Sam to say it in the past tense, something that had happened rather than something that was still ongoing. "But..um...you w-were. Well, still had your cu-curse. So we were taking things...slowly. For now. But I do lov- I...I was willing to wa-wait." And he had been, but now that it was a possibility they would never be close, he wanted to scream and cry of how unfair it all was. "...Do you..b-believe me?" — i melt into a sycophantic soup, & all that's left to do, is giggle, fawn, and swoon.

Remi felt himself shiver slightly, and he gently wrapped his fingers around his arms to smooth away the goosebumps. He wanted to feel happy, to know that he'd apparently found someone, had been able to be himself and presumably to be happy, but all he actually felt was a cold sense of dread. Like someone else had stolen the most precious times of his life and lived them. Only that person was him, and it was his own stupidity that had gotten them removed. "No, no of course it does not." He said immediately, looking towards Sam with a flickering and uncertain pale sea-glass green stare. "Curse?" He asked with a slightly avian tilt of his head. As Sam started to say the word love Remi could feel his stomach drop and he had to steel himself against visible moaning with surprise and anguish. Did this man actually love him? Had Remi felt it back? "I do not see why you would lie to me. It is ... surprising to hear." Remi said, swallowing uncertainly. Glancing over at Sam again, he knew he should do something. To take his hand, or pat his shoulder reassuringly, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. It horrified him to know that very likely his hands had touched every inch of the freckled skin he was sure hide beneath the button-up shirt. But it felt like it was someone else who had done those things. The reset in his mind made the idea of just ... just reaching over to touch him feel impossible. REMI So come on, get higher, loosen my lips, faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard and drown me in love

SAMUEL i am the ocean, crawling madly at your moon. and with one wanton whoop — "Oh. I su-suppose...if you don't rem-remember Loren..." Then he wouldn't remember the curse either. Sam only knew  the details Remi had told him about it and had not retained those especially well given his emotions at the time, so he was not the best person to relay this story, but he would try his best. "There was..a m-man. Before me. I..I didn't know him. But you did. And you..I think you..." He sighed. This had been hard before, but now it was nearly impossible. "You loved him. B-but you upset Frey. Somehow. And they...they put a cu-curse on you, so you forgot...your love. You c-couldn't feel it, until you felt passion for...s-something or someone else, I think?" Sadly he motioned to himself. "And...and th-that was me. So...your love for Loren came b-back. Just as I...told you that I...f-felt for you." Sam noticed the way Remi looked at him, seemed to want to do something but was almost held back by an invisible wall between them. Slowly, Sam laid his hand on the table, palm up. An invitation, but one he wouldn't mind if Remi ignored. — i melt into a sycophantic soup, & all that's left to do, is giggle, fawn, and swoon.

Loren. Right. He'd heard that name before, from Vai. But she hadn't elaborated. Gulping audibly, Remi leaned back in his chair, lips apart in shock. "So...there ... you said..." His mind raced. There had been Sam, and now this Loren, and if the bookmaker was to be believed (and Remi had no reason not to), he'd also been intimate with Ianto. "Three of you?" He gasped, feeling sick to his stomach. Three or a hundred, it compared little to what Sam said next. Inhaling a shaky breath, Remi's eyes wide, the alchemist shook his head. Bringing his fingers to his forehead, Remi leaned against them gently, feeling an overwhelming rush of uncertainty and horror at this new information. He'd been with more than one man. He'd loved someone. And he'd forgotten. "You—" Remi's fingers clenched and unclenched unconsciously as the alchemist scanned Sam's face. "I...I suppose I owe you a thank you for that." Running a hand through his curls, Remi sighed hopelessly. "Though perhaps I already said that." He added with a sad sigh. Like an animal who believed it was being tricked, Remi looked at the hand on the table. It seemed an impossible thing, to just reach over and take it. Inhaling shakily, Remi tried to reassure himself. He'd done this before, clearly. He'd ... he'd been with others. This wasn't new. Only it was. Or...it felt like it was. "I—" Remi said, dragging his eyes up from the hand on the table to Sam's pale stare. Trembling slightly the alchemist shook his head once, a wince of apology on his lips as he wrapped his arms even further around himself. "Did I love you as well?" Remi asked, suddenly, surprising even himself. He couldn't bring himself to look at Sam though, the fear of what the bookmaker would say in response almost too much to bear. REMI So come on, get higher, loosen my lips, faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard and drown me in love

SAMUEL i am the ocean, crawling madly at your moon. and with one wanton whoop — He didn't really care for being placed into an impromptu group with Loren and Ianto, both people that he considered distant rivals, but Sam just nodded. If that was how Remi needed to work it out, he would allow him. "I d-don't remember." The night when he'd told Remi he loved him was a blur to Sam, just a flash of emotions and panic; if Remi had thanked him it didn't come immediately to mind. His hand was rejected and Sam sadly moved it back to himself, realising he had been expecting the warmth of Remi's fingers; now that he did not have it he felt impossibly cold. The question clearly was one he was not comfortable with, Sam taking a moment to answer and a sip of tea. "Um...w-well you n..never said it. But...I think...maybe. A few ni-nights ago, you stayed at m-my home and..." Remi seemed to have relaxed a little so Sam decided to give the full story. "We made lo-love. And...when you were h-holding me after. You k-kissed my hair and I felt--" He was rambling. "...But you never s...said it." — i melt into a sycophantic soup, & all that's left to do, is giggle, fawn, and swoon.

"Ah..well. Thank you, for breaking the curse." Remi said, a reflexive smile creasing his lips for a moment as he glanced appreciatively at Sam. As Remi listened, he felt as though this retelling was as much for Sam's benefit as his own. In that regard, Remi tried to steel himself at the words we made love, trying to stifle the gasp of surprise the bubbled up from the back of his throat. Closing his eyes, Remi tightened his grip of his arms until his nails dug into the skin. He wanted to stand and scream, to flee into the sky and never come down. To sob and lament lost moments, but quickly the alchemist found that his anger and sadness was hollow. Instead, he turned sad eyes towards Sam, a frown on his lips as he nodded. "I am sorry for that too. If I did feel it, and did not say it..." The alchemist said softly, the apology an olive branch, but not one long enough to bridge the distance between them now. Or so it felt anyways. "I ... I cannot even guess as to whether I did or did not. The things you have told me...I do believe you, but I cannot even imagine it to be true. You ... " Remi's eyes glanced down to where Sam's hand had been, and he frowned at the blank space. " ... the way you placed your hand there, just then. I assume holding it is something I must have done many times. But ... all I can think now is how I never have, not that I remember. In Northaven such a thing would have been punishable by jail time, or worse. That it is alright here is one thing, but I do not ... I do not remember having ever been brave enough to try. To make the decision." Now it was Remi who was rambling, and helplessly he fell silent again. "Do I seem the same to you? As I did ... before?" REMI So come on, get higher, loosen my lips, faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard and drown me in love

SAMUEL i am the ocean, crawling madly at your moon. and with one wanton whoop — He was relieved Remi didn't jump up or drop anything else at his reveal that yes, they did have sex, quite a lot actually given they'd only had a month to have it all in, Sam found himself able to sit through Remi's explanations about why he couldn't touch his hand. He had not appreciated before how easy it had been, how they had slotted into each other's lives like they were written for each other in a book he had now lost. "You...ha-have held my hands many times." Sam said softly, quietly. Would he again? Remi seemed to be warming up to the whole conversation though, asking another difficult question. Sam's mouth opened and closed again, then he seemed to consider Remi from head to foot, looking him over. "Um...well. You l-look the same, but...no. You were v-very confident, or so I thought, and smiled a lot. And t-told jokes." And you wanted me. He shook his head and shrugged, pouring himself more tea. "...You were al-also the more um...you initiated m-most of our physi..physical intimacies. But cle..clearly you've ch-changed there." — i melt into a sycophantic soup, & all that's left to do, is giggle, fawn, and swoon.

The alchemist tried not to shift uncomfortably beneath the weight of Sam's gaze, but found it almost impossible. It wasn't just having another man's eyes on him, but the fact that he was being considered. Listening, Remi nodded, a small smile creasing his lips slightly. Running a hand across his eyes, Remi's smile widened slightly as he took a breath. "In Northaven I always...I never.." Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Remi exhaled the muddled words and tried to start again. "I never really knew how to be around other men. I always assumed I would do or say something that would give me away. I was always more comfortable around women, since...well, since I was never attracted to them." Leaning into his palm, Remi glanced over at Sam. "I suppose somewhere along the way that changed. But..." Remi's lips twitched apologetically as he shrugged lightly. But now it hasn't, that shrug seemed to say. Eyes snapping towards Sam with shock, scanning his face for any indication that the bookmaker was kidding, Remi quickly looked away, into his lap. "Oh." He said shakily, gulping down a strangled sort of moan. REMI So come on, get higher, loosen my lips, faith and desire and the swing of your hips Just pull me down hard and drown me in love