lonesome dreams

KIADA we are all just fighting to survive a world, where 'i miss you' doesn't mean I'm coming back. Finally. Finally, the Harpy could go home. She wanted nothing more than to curl up in front of the fire and stare at it until she fell asleep – to dream of nothing and maybe be at peace for once. She didn’t even look for Seiji before she vanished from the Settlement, Auni in tow as she shifted to vulture and flew back home. Upon reaching the door, she checked to see if anything had happened to it during Longnight, and with the notable exception of a hinge of the door – it seemed relatively unscathed. Probably due to the fact that there was nobody inside for the monsters to chase after. And so she trudged in, used a bit of the leftover firewood to start a fire, took a couple blankets to make a spot beside it for Auni to rest and recoup from the emotional roller-coaster they both had been flung on, and sighed quietly while she retrieved some for herself too. And when the fire had finally started, she wrapped herself in the blanket, clutching the bronze in her hand and leaned against the fireplace with her head gently resting against the wall beside it – and simply stared without seeing, a hand raised to rub gently against the scar along her neck. With everything that had happened, what use was it to move on and continue? She felt lost, as though she had nothing else to fight for. As if nothing else was worth destroying herself for again. and 'I love you' doesn't mean I'll stay...

What is a ghost?

Home.

Somehow, Longnight made it so. The old house looks down on Seiji with comforting familiarity. Sunlight glances off the front windows like a smile, strained but genuine. If the door whines a little as it opens, if some cold has seeped in through the silent walls, no matter. All are ills easily remedied. Only one concern dimmed Seiji’s spirits as he made the walk back from the Rathskeller, and that quiets somewhat as he steps inside.

Kiada is back. He breathes a sigh of relief as he spies the fire burning, inhales the rough scent of woodsmoke. Though she appears almost as desolate as she was the night she returned to the Rathskeller, she is at least alive. A silent figure propped against the hearth, eyes downcast and far away. Something terrible has happened.

Seiji understands tragedy in an abstract way. He does not think he has ever lost anything truly dear to him. Not except for his home, which exists only in fragmented memory. He can’t relate. He can, however, heat some water. Can throw a small handful of dried herbs into each of two mugs. The tea he has only a little of, brought back with him from the Rathskeller, but Seiji is happy to share it. When it’s ready, he moves to join Kiada by the hearth. He sets her mug within reach, but does not expect her to take it from him. She seems far too distraught.

Truly, Seiji cannot be sure of where to begin. He offers his presence, and extends a tentative hand for the baby luxere to sniff, should it wish. It seems to be a part of their household now, however strange. “What is his name?” Seiji murmurs. He can’t be sure he expects a response.

Something dead that seems to be alive.

Something dead that doesn't know it's dead.

KIADA we are all just fighting to survive a world, where 'i miss you' doesn't mean I'm coming back. She doesn’t know how long it is until the door opens and Auni’s head lifts from the blankets she has spread out for him. His nub of a tail begins to wag happily to spot a familiar face – having learned from shared memories that Seiji and Kiada lived with one another. But he remains in the same spot while Seiji quietly goes to make tea, and Kiada remains looking at the fire in some far off destination that she doesn’t seem to acknowledge he’s returned. It isn’t until Seiji sets the cup beside her that she moves, her icy eyes puffed and outlined in red as she looks to the cup and reaches out to take it once Seiji has settled. “Thank you…” She offers quietly, throat raw and her voice hoarse as she looks down into the tea and hunches into herself, cradling the cup between both hands as if it could warm the darkness and the ice within her. Auni, reaches forward in the meantime, moving from his place to sit beside Seiji and aims to lay along his side, his hooves spread out and his budding antlered head resting by Seiji’s feet – not needing introductions. Any friend of Kiada is a friend of Auni’s. And he tries to make it known. When Seiji speaks, Kiada’s head and eyes finally lift to look at him – feeling some kind of regret deep down that she hadn’t sought him out despite the events that had happened. It doesn’t seem like he minds, however, as he asks what his name was. “Auni. It means help.” She offers quietly. “I… I owe you an explanation. I’m sorry.” She stumbles over her words, apologizing though she’s not entirely sure why she is. She just feels the need to. Sucking in a deep breath, she takes a hand from the cup and reaches to her lap to grab the little note – now wrinkled and perhaps a bit tear stained, and she stretches out her arm to hand it to him as she looks back down to the cup. “I told you once before that I fell through worlds to get here. And it’s true. But Ru’in – Ru’in was from where I was born.” She begins, giving him time to read the note. and 'I love you' doesn't mean I'll stay...

What is a ghost?

Seiji only nods in response to her thanks, glad to see her respond at all. He smiles, though, surprise and delight shining through the expression in equal measure, as Auni sprawls out beside him. A clear picture of happy acceptance. Seiji strokes the young luxere’s side, his fingers pressing into the soft, thick fur. There must be a story behind him, a story about where Kiada went in the depths of Longnight, but Seiji is content to wait for it. For all of it.

“Auni,” he repeats, his voice soft, smile lingering in the sound. He would rebuke her about needing an explanation, but he doesn’t wish to disagree here in the moment, to throw her off balance with his own feelings. So Seiji merely waits, patient and reserved, sipping at his tea. He is surprised when she reaches across to hand him something.

Carefully, he takes the note. The paper is creased, slightly warm, a little dirty. Seiji unfolds it with slow movements until he can read the scrawled note. His dark eyes move slowly, soaking in the words. The depth of emotion emanating from them, the regret, the concern. An entire story told in this little scrap of paper. Seiji lets his hands fall, then, as she speaks. Ru’in. She had spoken that word before. He had not taken it for a name. It makes sense, now.

From where she was born.

Seiji passes the note back. “I am sorry,” he says. He is thinking of the others lost, their cries swallowed by the night. He is thinking about the cruelty of stories without ends — just lost threads trailing through filthy snow. “Where you were from…” Seiji tries, his voice still steady and low, “did you have rituals? For the dead?” It is the first thing he can think of to do, the first help he can offer. Were he outside the moment, he might find significance in that. But he is in it now, and rites simply feel as natural as breathing. He will help her to complete them, if he can.

Something dead that seems to be alive.

Something dead that doesn't know it's dead.

KIADA we are all just fighting to survive a world, where 'i miss you' doesn't mean I'm coming back. He repeats the Luxere’s name, and Auni’s ear flicks in response – breathing deeply and contently to have Seiji’s hand in his fur. But as Kiada passes the note to Seiji, she speaks and lets it settle. She takes a sip of the tea, hot but not too hot and sighs quietly as it warms her throat and her insides despite the constant chill in her veins. It’s enough to make her feel something, though she tries to keep the feelings at a minimum. She nods to his apology, and grasps the note from his hand and tucks it back into her lap. The blankets remaining around her shoulders, but the front of her body and her neck is exposed. She looks at him then, and actually sees him, asking if there were rituals. She sucks in a breath and gnaws on her lip for a moment before she shrugs her shoulders and casts her icy gaze back down to the tea. “I don’t… Know?” She pauses, figuring it might be easier to continue her story. “This sounds… impossible, but. That world, it ended in chaos. I aligned myself at a very young age with the corrupted god – Kisamoa, they called him. He was chaos and destruction, and everything I wanted. But he came to my world, and I worked for him, I helped him destroy my world.” She pauses, her fingers tapping against the cup. “He gave me an amulet that I wore around my neck, and when the time came and the portal opened to go to a new world – many didn’t go. Ru’in and I, we both had twins. I had lost mine, but his had attacked Kaos, had died from the attempt. And Ru’in followed her. I watched him die, once before.” She closes her eyes before taking a deep breath and raises her head to look back at Seiji. “It hurt the first time, but not as much as now. It was… a young love, my first love actually. And when I was thrust through the poral, the amulet at my neck exploded and left me this scar.” She reaches up with a hand to point at the X on the side of her neck. “And it was there that I moved on – I had to. The world around me was full of destruction and pain and needed healing. I had a purpose then. My family had disappeared aside from my mother. And Kaos had rewarded me for choosing him. And I think.. I think I loved him too. In some sick, terrible way. I fell through a couple of other worlds too, before landing here. I found Ru’in again a month after I’d arrived.” She shakes her head and watches Auni, the Luxere content to spread out beside Seiji for the rest of the night if he could. “But in the Rathskeller, I noticed the Luxere were leaving and I had to find out why. I slipped out with a few others from the Rathskeller – I found Auni there. And when I got back, I found the note and this on the steps to the door.” She finally says, whooshing out her breath in a quiet sigh before taking a deep sip of the tea as if to settle her nerves. "I never found out what we did with the dead, I was never there after to see them." She adds quietly, glancing back to the fire. and 'I love you' doesn't mean I'll stay...

What is a ghost?

I don’t know. Seiji tilts his head just slightly, surprised, and listens, his eyes on her face, as Kiada begins to explain. He does not understand it all. This talk of gods and portals, apocalypse, chaos… He tries to picture Kiada at the heart of this, Kiada with knives in hand, a bloody smile on her lips. Seiji is a little saddened to find he can — it comes easily. The darkness is there, jagged and dark, reaching out of her expression from time to time. He does not fear it, but it saddens him. To think of the guilt she must carry, the tragedy of losing not once but twice.

Seiji makes no comment on the other aspects of her story. Privately, he wonders if he could have changed things. Opened the door for this Ru’in, whoever he was. But Seiji cannot be sure even that Ru’in had the chance to knock. He cannot say which of the many sounds from outside were real, and which were merely tricks. Nightmares. Demons, grinning and laying in wait. He shakes his head. “I’m glad you are safe.”

She should never have gone. Seiji will never say this, but he feels it deeply. Is Auni worth it? His gaze falls to the strange little deer. It is a lovely creature, its kind benevolent, and it will be useful next year. But worth it…?

“There are gods here,” Seiji says slowly, thoughtfully. “We could pray to them. For Ru’in. If you wanted to.” He could learn what sort of death rites exist in Caido — he needs to speak with the Loreseekers, anyway. “Not now,” he adds, “But when the weather is better and we’ve both rested. Longnight was… long” With a simper, Seiji brushes back dark hair from his forehead. He has no exciting stories to tell, but his nerves are nonetheless frayed, his soul worn thin by so terrible a darkness and such little sleep.

Something dead that seems to be alive.

Something dead that doesn't know it's dead.

KIADA we are all just fighting to survive a world, where 'i miss you' doesn't mean I'm coming back. Auni stretches out beside Seiji with a huff of content while Kiada continues to stare at the cup. After a few beats of silence she takes another sip, somehow angry at the warmth and fire as it moves down her throat – as if she feels like she deserves to be numb and cold and unfeeling. But she knows better, and she can tell when Seiji speaks again and talks of gods. Her head lifts and her red ring eyes skate across his face as he brushes the hair from his forehead. She went to a shrine, not knowing or not caring that the gods could listen. Life was different here than it ever had been for her and she wanted desperately to understand it. But in the end, it seemed it was all the same. An unfair punishment for the girl who chose wrong at every turn. Who chose gods over loved ones. When she knew they’d never choose her back. She nods to him in response to Longnight being long, and she sucks in a breath as if her body has forgotten what it felt like to breathe easy – without the weight of the world on her shoulders. But as she thinks of it, she thinks that she needs a purpose, a reason to keep at it and hopefully be more prepared. Auni, sending the sudden shift in Kiada sits up slightly, resting his head on Seiji’s leg to look at Kiada when she goes to speak. “I would like that. Do you… want to learn to fight? I could teach you. So you can be prepared just in case?” She asked, her eyes growing a bit more focused than they had since that fateful day. It was a good place to start. A purpose. Seiji could help her pray for Ru’in, pray for her sins, pray for her childish life choices. She could teach Seiji to fight. To do something with the hands that had already been stained with so much red. Something that might make it hurt a little less. and 'I love you' doesn't mean I'll stay...

What is a ghost?

Her question catches him by surprise. It flashes openly across his face, dark eyes widening, lips parting just slightly. To fight? Seiji’s mind reels quickly over the question, and he suspects Kiada might want him better able to defend himself. To save her from losing two friends. His expression softens, then, and he nods.

“I would.” One hand goes to Auni’s small face, absently rubbing around the base of the young luxere’s ear as if it is any dog or cat. “It is probably wise to learn now, so I can be safe here.” He thinks it might help Kiada as well, to focus on giving, to forget the guilt she seems to carry. Her expression already holds a degree of clarity he has not seen since before Longnight.

Something dead that seems to be alive.

Something dead that doesn't know it's dead.

KIADA we are all just fighting to survive a world, where 'i miss you' doesn't mean I'm coming back. Auni huffs a quiet reverberation of happiness as Seiji scratches behind his ears, his tail wagging ever so slightly in response to it while Seiji contemplates Kiada’s question. She takes another sip of the tea and cradles it in her hand to see how much is left of it. She feels warm now, the numbness fading away to make room for exhaustion. And she thinks she might sleep for weeks. It seems like the correct amount to fight against the exhaustion not only on her body but her mind. It had been a very long Longnight as Seiji had put it, and she absolutely agreed. It was something she never wanted to do again. Huffing quietly to herself, a small smile breaks across her face at Seijis agreement. A purpose. The thing she needed most. When she had been faced with heartbreak before, she had found herself in a dying world. Her purpose had been her life and the others with her. The world, so she could exist. And the more she thinks of the Rift with the darkness, with her and her bronze and opal skin with tornadoes of flames and a spine of fire, the more she feels like she can be reborn. She is terrified to get close to anyone again, but if she can help someone survive, to handle themselves, that would count as a victory for her. A white mark against the black stain of her soul. She chews on her lip for a moment before she looks at Seiji and actually smiles. “You remind me of a man from the second world I was in. I never got his name, he couldn’t speak. But he was kind, like you are.” She says quietly, shifting the cup in her hands. and 'I love you' doesn't mean I'll stay...

What is a ghost?

Auni is no cat, but his manner is similar enough that his every move brings a smile to Seiji's face, a warmth to his breast. He has missed having an animal in his residence. Even if Auni is firmly Kiada's, the small deer's space makes the house feel homier. His small body is warm, as well, his fur soft under Seiji's fingers. The soft haze of memory lingering: Seiji perched in a window seat, the warmth of firelight flickering over him, rain on the glass. His fingers deep in the fur of a large white cat.

He feels he ought to be here.

It is a strange feeling, because he wants so often to leave. But he is glad to be here with Kiada, to hear her speak her feelings. He is glad to see her safe. Glad for every small thing he has done which might have helped the residents of Caido in some way. Evil as this land seems to him, he harbors only fondness for its people.

He smiles at her comment, her compliment. Seiji cannot be sure he is truly kind. He thinks of himself far too often, he believes. Trying to avoid doing harm is not the same as being kind... but he won't argue. "Thank you," he says instead, smiling. Slowly, he rises, his limbs unfolding from beneath him with a catlike grace. "Would you like more tea?" he asks, extending a hand. His mug is empty, and he feels as if he should perhaps give her some space with her thoughts.

Something dead that seems to be alive.

Something dead that doesn't know it's dead.

KIADA we are all just fighting to survive a world, where 'i miss you' doesn't mean I'm coming back. It’s a nice feeling, despite the sorrow and pain in her chest and heart, to have Auni and Seiji here. Extra living and breathing bodies that have the ability to bring light into the darkness of her thoughts. She doesn’t know if Seiji realizes it yet, but she’s clinging to her friendship with him in a sense of keeping her sane. She considers him her best friend, something of which she hasn’t really ever had before. She had thought it was her brother, but he had left. She had thought it was Ru’in for a time, but he too left her twice. She inhales deeply as Seiji smiles at her compliment, and she ducks her head slightly to nod in response even though he didn’t say anything just yet. As he tells her thank you, she offers him a small smile. But when he rises and asks for more tea, extending a hand, it almost feels like she needs to shed a layer of anxiety and stress, to let the pain of everything dull for a moment to simply be proud of the fact that she was here. And while many had perished during Longnight, she had slipped away with strangers, returning relatively unharmed aside from a bit dirty and tearstained. She was lucky. Even if it didn’t feel like it. Kiada stares at Seiji’s hand for a brief moment before she raises the cup he had given her that was also empty and hands it to him gently. “I would, thank you.” She says roughly, mustering up enough to smile softly back to him, swallowing down the sorrow and blinking away the puffy red eyes. and 'I love you' doesn't mean I'll stay...