in over my head

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving Ronin didn't know what the hell he was doing. Fuck, he didn't even know what he was wearing at this point. Vai had called it a sling or a wrap or something, and apparently his daughter went in it and it went on him and that let him use both hands again. Which, you know, was great. For doing stuff with. Still, if you asked him to get it off without dropping Aoife, he'd probably laugh in your face. If he did that sort of thing anymore. (Laughing). The weather was mild but cloudy as he made his way through the Domiciles, a soft breeze tousling his dishevelled hair, his footsteps slow as he tried to find the midwife's clinic Vervain had told him about. Ronin looked... well. He looked like the mother of his newborn had died less than a fortnight ago - enough said. Still, as he finally located the clinic and tapped at the door, he glanced down at Aoife and... saw her, maybe, for the very first time since those precious few hours with Vanya. She had been born with a full head of dark hair, impossibly tiny (to Ronin, anyway, probably average to anyone with a clue) and with big eyes filled with starlight. No, really. There were stars in his daughter's eyes, and Ronin saw Safrin's handiwork whenever he gazed into them.

Phoebe Call the Midwife Things had been...difficult since the end if Long Night. People were mourning those they'd lost. Clean up efforts were underway. She had been taking care of Emmett as he recovered, as well as his two toddler siblings. Things didn't yet feel like the season of renewal and rebirth, instead it felt more somber and retrospective. Needless to say Phoebe didn't expect a knock on her door. But she rose from where she had been sitting by the fireplace preparing healing remedies. It kept her mind busy when she wasn't otherwise distracted by her charges...one of whom that was supposed to be her boyfriend but too consumed in his own pain (rightfully so) to actually live up to the title. Her eyes widened in a bit of surprise to see Ronin there, the little baby in a sling in his arms. "Hello Ronin." she said with a soft smile, stepping aside so he could come in. "How can I help you?"

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving Ronin had been lost in thought as he gazed at his daughter, so when the door opened and Phoebe appeared he was almost startled by it, even though he'd been the one to knock. Glancing up, he managed a fleeting smile that didn't really reach his eyes. "Hey, Phoebe," he murmured, nodding to her in thanks and stepping inside as she moved for him. "I was wondering if you might... well, if you would take a look at Aoife and make sure everything is normal." Standing in the comforting warmth of the clinic that Phoebe had created, Ronin felt suddenly out of place and homesick. This was how his daughter should have been brought into the world, not awash in blood in the dark and the snow. He cleared his throat, trying to find the words to phrase it. "Her mother... Vanya, she died in childbirth. During LongNight, though I suppose you might have guessed that. No one has really been able to check Aoife over."

Phoebe Call the Midwife Aoife. That was the child's name. He hadn't said so when they had been at the Rathskellar and she held her briefly...or had he? There was a lot going on that night and it was a bit hard to remember. "Aoife. That's a beautiful name." she complimented with a warm smile. And unique too, she thought. He wanted her to examine the child? Well, she supposed it made sense, especially if the girl had been born somewhere where a midwife or healer was not - which seemed the likely case. Of course, Phoebe was still ignorant to the whole story, and again found herself wondering why the child's mother wasn't with him. The mothers were usually the ones to do this sort of thing after all. "I am happy to! Let me take her for you and we will see how she is." Phoebe said. Unless Ronin stopped her, she would carefully but expertly pull little Aoife out of the sling that held her to her daddy's chest. Than the former captain finally revealed what had happened to the mother of his child, and Phoebe's whole countenance fell as she cradled the girl to her chest. "Oh, Ronin...I'm so sorry." she said quietly, her tone etched with sincerity and surprisingly guilt. She hadn't been there, it wasn't as though Vanya had died on her watch - she hadn't really even been aware of her pregnancy since she had never come to see the midwife - and yet she still felt responsible in a way. If she had been there...maybe she could have saved her. But there wasn't time to really wallow in guilt over a death she had no hand in. There was a baby here, and a grieving father who likely was in over his head with this baby stuff. "Of course. I will make sure she is well and then see to it that you are set up with everything you need." she assured him with a dutiful nod. Phoebe would carry little Aoife to a table that was covered in a few blankets to soften the top, laying her on it so she could begin the exam. Easy things were first, eyes and hearing. The midwife placed a hand to one side of the girl's head, making soft snapping noises with her fingers. Aoife startled a little, each time looking in the direction of the snapping noise. Once satisfied with her reaction, Phoebe held her fingers over her face, waving them to get her attention before moving them around in the air, watching how her eyes followed the movement. And her eyes. Phoebe smiled and glanced at Ronin. "I see Safrin has blessed her. You and her are very lucky." she said.

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving "Thank you," Ronin said quietly to both her compliment about his daughter's name and her agreement to check her over, the gratitude obvious in his voice. He had no idea how she had managed to wrangle the baby out of the sling, but she did it with the same ease and precision that Vervain had done when putting the child into it, leaving Ronin suspicious of some kind of midwife witchcraft. He followed, still puzzled and tugging at the bits of cloth left wrapped around him, and glanced up only as Phoebe spoke again. He was getting used to it, slowly; the sorries and the sympathy and the empty feeling it left in him, because there was really nothing anyone could do to make it better. "It is what it is. I didn't know there was a midwife around, else perhaps we could have come to see you before. Though I don't think it would have changed much..." Moving to stand nearby as Phoebe set his daughter down, Ronin watched with a mix of curiosity and concern as she carried out her exam. He was in awe of her, truthfully; she moved around the infant as though Aoife was something everyday, not a terrifying unknown. "Is it all normal? She can see and hear?" he asked a touch nervously, before she seemingly noticed the stars in Aoife's eyes. Her comment, though... He smiled weakly. "Thank you. Though I hope you'll understand when I say we don't feel lucky."

Phoebe Call the Midwife Phoebe glanced over at him as he spoke. She could hear the hurt in his voice. She could see it in his eyes and the way his shoulders slumped. It hurt her heart to see him that way. ”Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn’t. It is the risk every mother makes to bring new life into this world, done just as readily as a soldier laying down their life for their kingdom.” she said, her words weighing heavy with a wisdom far beyond her years. It was a phrase she often heard her predecessor use with left behind husbands. It was a phrase that had come from her teacher’s teacher – a phrase used and passed down for so long its start was lost to time. All that remained was the truth at its core. ”Oh yes, she is very normal.” Phoebe assured with a warm smile. Her fingers moved to the girl’s joints, little taps here and there, watching as her arms and legs moved with good reflex, watching her react to little pokes and prods. Nothing was numb, nothing was deadened. Gently, the midwife placed her ear to the girl’s chest, listening to her breathe. No rattles, no hitches, each of her sides moving equally and in tandem. Lastly she placed her fingers over her chest, feeling her little heartbeat, counting the beats. Steady, strong, perfectly in time. ”She seems a perfectly healthy little baby to me.” she said, letting Aoife briefly suck on the tip of her finger. Even that she did with ease. There was nothing for Ronin to worry about in Phoebe’s mind. She picked the little girl up, carrying her like it was second nature in the crook of her arm. New mothers needed the break from their newborns now and then, new fathers were no different. ”I am not aware of any potential wet-nurses around, but I will keep a lookout for one. What have you been feeding her?” she asked, rummaging through a cabinet to retrieve some items he might want. Extra clothes for diapers, various creams and powders should she get a rash, little kitted gloves to keep her from scratching herself (which Phoebe deftly put on her with one hand) – anything that a parent of a newborn might need Phoebe made sure to gather and put in a little basket for Ronin. His last statement made her sad, but she gave him a small smile in return. ”I understand. But you really are. You have each other, and family is so hard to come by these days.” she said quietly, smiling at little Aoife. ”And you are far from alone. Should you need anything at all or have any concerns you can come here or send for me, either way, day or night.” She couldn’t take Vanya’s place, she wouldn’t dream of even trying, but she could make sure that he had the support he needed to care for his daughter.

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving Ronin hummed in agreement, and though he didn't want the words to make a difference, it was clear by his quiet thoughtfulness that he was chewing them over. Was it so different from Ronin going out and dying while fighting the Spire Demon? That too, would have been done for their daughter. But... it didn't stop it from hurting. It didn't take any of the what-ifs away, or nightmares, or tears. He swallowed hard and left that for future contemplation. Still, at least Phoebe's examination of his daughter seemed to be gentle and thorough, and the midwife didn't look as if she was finding anything of concern. Ronin smiled to himself, even, as he watched Aoife wriggle and look around and coo up at Phoebe, snuggling into her as she was picked up and cradled. Letting out a sigh of utter relief, he nodded to her. "Thank you. That puts me at ease more than you know," he said, though his brow furrowed at the mention of a wet nurse. "If you would, I'd appreciate it. I've been feeding her goat's milk right now, but... I know she needs something better. Still, at least she doesn't seem sick, or hungry. Right?" He watched curiously as she pottered around, not really knowing what was going on, and only when it was evident that she was putting something together for him did he realise how tongue-tied he was. "Phoebe, you don't have to do that... I mean. I... thank you. What can I do to repay you for your kindness?"

Phoebe Call the Midwife She smiled at him as he rambled a bit, his concern for her well-being apparent. ”Goats milk isn’t bad. I usually recommend pigs milk if you can get it.” The qualifier being ]if you can get it. Goats at least were used to being milked. A sow on the other hand? Not exactly the most willing of livestock to lend a hand to the milk needy masses. ”Oh, no she isn’t hungry certainly. Let’s keep an eye on her weight though just to be safe. She should gain about a pound or two every month.” she said, purposefully including Ronin in that effort. He would be with her the most after all, and it was important for Aoife and for him to be involved in her wellbeing. Phoebe laughed a bit as he stumbled over his words, placing the last of the goods she could think to send him with in the bag. ”It would reflect really poorly on me as a midwife if I sent you off and away with a newborn and no help.” she joked. She grabbed a little knit hat and carefully worked it onto Aoife’s head. It was still a bit nippy out and babies tended to get cold easily. But as much as she wanted to be wholly charitable to Ronin, given his situation, she couldn’t really afford to be. ”If you could bring food or other trade goods by every now and then I would say that is good enough.” she said with a smile. It would help his pride to not be pitied so much that he was exempt from payment for the care his daughter received. It would help her in the end because she would have food and a means to trade for anything else she might need. It would be mutually beneficial.

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving "Pigs' milk," Ronin repeated, sounding incredulous but nodding quietly nonetheless. He'd much prefer to get (hopefully) a suitable wetnurse or continue trading for goats' milk. Less likely to be trampled (though more likely to be headbutted). Nodding and making a mental note about how much Aoife should be weighing, relief was obvious in the guildmaster that his daughter, at least, was as well as she could be given the circumstances. It was damned near miraculous, almost. That wasn't to say that she enjoyed being put in a hat, and she squalled accordingly as though that would convince Phoebe to take it away again. Ronin smirked to himself. "You can count on me," he assured her, nodding. "Food is easy enough for me to come by, and I can bring by firewood and leathers too. Thank you, though, for everything. Really. Now... how the hell do I get her back in this thing?" he motioned in the general direction of the sling.

Phoebe Call the Midwife Phoebe laughed a little at the way he repeated her recommendation. ”It is more similar in consistency to human breast milk, and is a little less fatty than goats milk. That’s why I recommend it. But it is neither here nor there, so long as she is fed. Worst case scenario we will start adding some powdered supplements to her milk.” she said, obviously not bothered with whatever he chose to use, but giving him the added information so he understood the reasoning. The more he knew, the better prepared he would be to take care of issues as they arose. As the baby screamed in protest of the hat Phoebe gave a dramatized gasp. ”Now I know, hats are no fun, but that is no reason to use that language, young lady!” Phoebe said in a chipper tone as she tickled Aoife’s belly. She smiled and looked back at Ronin. It felt…good…to be doing this work again. It gave her a sense of real purpose. ”I know, but I am still happy to help.” she said when he once again expressed his gratitude. But when he aired his frustration with the sling, she couldn’t help but giggle. ”These things take practice to get used to.” she said to make sure that he didn’t feel like a total fool. Everyone struggled with them when they first started using them. Phoebe patiently walked him through the steps of getting Aoife in the sling, working her into it from one side then moving the top straps to either side of her head. ”Then to get her out the easiest thing to do is to slip your hands through the top and grab her under her arms.” she said with a smile.

RONIN if there's one thing i'm good at, it's surviving Ronin smiled at the way Phoebe interacted with Aoife, wondering if and when he would ever be able to kickstart himself into acting the same way. Everyone seemed good with her, in fact. Everyone except him. Still, he dutifully listened and frowned and swore (internally) as she showed him how to get the baby into the sling without somehow strangling either the infant or Ronin. Once that was done - and he had successfully shushed Aoife from wailing the clinic down - he smiled softly to Phoebe. "I'll try and remember that," he said. "You've been a huge help. I'll drop by as soon as I can with those trade goods and some food for you. For now, I think she heard about the goats' milk. I better get going so I can feed her."

Phoebe Call the Midwife Phoebe smiled and nodded, glad that she had been able to help him, even in a small way. ”Well if you forget you know where to find me.” she said with a smile. And she had been very serious about her offer. A midwife’s work didn’t have standard hours. Whenever she was needed was when she worked, even if it wasn’t the most convenient or conventional time. ”Yes, go get her fed before she really gets upset. Oh, and if she ever is fussy about it a little honey in it and on the bottle end will help!” she added quickly, just to give him one more last minute tool in his arsenal. But of course, should he really be in need of assistance, she wasn’t that far away.