and the truth is

MAEA

It was a deliberate choice of location. Lots of space, some people passing through yet not enough to be overheard even if a conversation turned heated. Neutral, or as much as any place would ever be. No amount of pretty surrounding would make this any more pleasant, and there was something about the sheer amount of steel and sharp edges surrounding the barracks that appealed to her.

Maea busied herself with a pair of daggers, while she waited for Nate to show up. Juggling them. Throwing them at a target. Twirling them between her fingers; all with the intent of familiarizing herself more with the weapons. More often than not they were dropped onto the frozen ground, where ceaseless trampling feet had set the mud into something that resembled concrete.

She told herself that it was merely practice. Not at all to keep her mind occupied, or fear at bay. What was there to be afraid of? The consequences of her own actions? Bah. Perish the thought.

I'm bleeding out for you

BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3

NATE

When it rains, it pours. Now, on top of everything else that he’s had to try and swallow after coming back to life, now he has to field some kind of confession too. Sunjata had been less than forthcoming, apart than a terribly gentle ’you shouldn’t hear it from me’, like a bastard.

The training grounds aren’t a place Nate had found himself often, but he doesn’t spare a glance for anything that isn’t Maea, zeroing in on her pale figure and striding towards her. His steps are a heavy thud, growing louder as he comes closer, until he stops just out of reach, planting his feet and squaring his shoulders, his hands folded neatly in front of him.

“Maea.” He says by way of greeting, his accent grating on the vowels until it nearly sounds like he choked it up. Blue eyes look her up and down, settling on her face whether she looks at him or not.

I got my fingers crossed you'll catch something baby
Cause I just threw myself at you

MAEA

The thudding beat of his soles on the ground had the flavor of a countdown. A three, two, one that ought to have her heart race like some rabbit when the wolf's shadow fell upon it. Knees weak, arms heavy. The thud of knives eating into wood was a counterpoint, echoing the irony of the situation; they were only here now because she didn't have a heart.

A final throw, and the dagger lodged tip first a palm away from the center dot. Wasn't that the truth - she always missed the mark. Stray shots going wild and wreaking havoc everywhere except where it had been aimed. Her hands remained steady as she turned to face Nate, open and hanging limp by her sides. Scarred hands; the skin twisted and puckered from too much heat.

"Hello, Nate."

Maea had to crane her neck back to meet his gaze, even with the distance. She had forgotten how tall he was, how blue those eyes were. Somewhere along the way, she had forgotten what it looked like when he smiled, too. There was no hint of it, now. Just like there hadn't been when she stepped out of that portal, two years ago. It was... tempting, to forget everything that had been before that, too. How they'd almost been friends. The help he had offered her.

It had been so very easy to blind herself to all that.

"Thank you for coming. I should probably start with pleasantries, but... I'll just get straight to the point." Let's not waste anyone's time with wrapping anything in silk, or trying to soften the blow. She was done with the bullshit. Her own, and others. The hiding, the pretending and the excuses.

For once, she did not draw a steadying breath. Didn't need to; whatever consequences came of this, of facing him and the things she'd done - she was ready for it.

"I'm the one who burned your clinic, in Torchline." She stood very still, and gazed up at him. Unmoving, waiting for the storm to break.

I'm bleeding out for you

BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3

NATE

Nate’s lips quirk up and a breath huffs out of him as he flicks his head back, displacing a stray curl that had fallen down across his forehead. It’s not a smile, it’s not even related to one, but it is a crack in his stony exterior. “I’d rather just know what’s going on, yeah.” He doesn’t need the preamble or the explanation.

Though, maybe he wishes for them once the admission leaves her, his face going prodigiously blank and his eyes narrowing, looking her up and down before settling on her face again.

“Excuse me?” Nate surprises even himself with how calm his voice is, steady and even and just a touch too loud. He doesn’t really want an answer though, a hand coming up to stop her if he opens her mouth, Nate’s brows furrowing. There’s a beat of silence, and then he takes a step forward, his hand closing so he can point accusingly. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Every hateful thing he’d said to Hotaru, every night spent sleepless and haunted, every ledge he’d lusted after while talking Sunjata down from it; they all slam in the back of his mind, a fifty car pileup in the middle of a blizzard. Every memory a crash of shattering glass and crumpling metal, fifty-four, fifty-five now. His head knows his body doesn’t need to heave just as much as it knows he needs to, and his knees almost give out under him with the urge.

His bright gaze tears over her again, silently filing pieces into place as his lip curls. “What the fuck is wrong with you Maea?”

I got my fingers crossed you'll catch something baby
Cause I just threw myself at you

MAEA

She merely stood there, gazing at him. The pointing finger and the raised voice drew no reaction. Something had gone quiet inside, and though she reached for emotion, for something - fear or regret or even that icy rage that had once driven her - she came up empty. There was only numbness, and a vague relief that came with removing that smiling mask she had donned these past weeks.

She wouldn't hurt anyone the cared about by speaking the truth here.

A quiet sigh escapes her at the question; the first sign of movement since she dropped the revelation.
"A lot of things," she replied, matter of fact and with a distant look about the eyes, as her thoughts went to that night. "I set fire to a hospital in order to take revenge on the man that left me. By making his lover suffer. I assaulted an innocent woman to replace the fluid I drained from myself to ser the fire with. And I did it all without hesitating."

Reaching up a hand, she showed him the wax-like skin of it before tucking away a strand of hair from her eyes. "This is from that time. A miscalculation; I thought gloves would protect against the flint and steel." Clearly it had not.

I'm bleeding out for you

BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3

NATE

The lack of response snuffs Nate’s anger out quicker than any other reaction, the thick plume of emotion swallowed down, compressed into something bitter, hateful. His hand drops to his side, fingers still twitching with the barely repressed urge to reach out, to grab her and shake something out of her head. Remorse, or guilt, or an apology.

“A lot of things?” Nate repeats mockingly, face pulled into a proper sneer. A joyless huff leaves him, a facsimile of a laugh, the same way the smile had been.

And then it gets worse. She makes it worse. “And you just… you’re okay with all that? That you did that?” Disbelief and condescension drips from his voice as he takes another step closer, the distance between them small enough to reach across now. And he thinks about it. Thinking makes his fingers twitch, and before he can do something he regrets Nate steps back again, removing the urge.

Blue eyes don’t bother shifting away from the pale face to the outstretched hand. “Why are you telling me this? Why now?”

I got my fingers crossed you'll catch something baby
Cause I just threw myself at you

MAEA

A solemn nod bent her neck at the mocking repetition, gravely accepting that there indeed had to be something terribly wrong for anyone to do what she had done. Perhaps something had broken within her mind. Perhaps returning with so many parts of herself missing had twisted her somehow. Maybe it was the years of enduring a cage, of facing loss and death and more loss that finally made her snap. It could be all of these things or none, and she did not offer them as excuses. It did not matter, in the end, because the result would not change no matter why she had decided to let her own personal issues be the only thing that existed.

People had still been hurt. And she would have to live with the knowledge that she was capable of terrible things for the rest of her existence.

Maea's gaze dropped to his hands as they twitched, and looked supremely unconcerned at the tone he leveled at her. The questions - both of them - had her blink slowly. Not really prepared for them, as she had expected... something more unhinged, probably. Violence, screaming, lightning unleashed.

"Okay with it?" she repeated slowly, as if the words tasted foreign on her tongue. "No. I am not okay with any of it. But that does not really matter, does it? I did it. I cannot take it back. As for why I am telling you - there are several reasons."

Meeting his gaze squarely, she straightened up slightly. It did nothing to aid her height; she still barely reached his shoulder, still had to lean back a little to fully take in his presence. The numbness persisted, and for once she was grateful for it. For the crystal clarity with a touch of unreality - as if she was watching it all from outside herself. It allowed her to speak plainly, for once.

"I owe you. The explanation, and an apology, and a chance to return every second of the hurt and suffering I caused. To you, and your husband, and everyone I harmed. You did so much to help me in the past, and I forgot about that. All because I was jealous, and angry, and lost. You did not deserve that, and I am sorry." She held up a finger, counting off the reasons. When it came down to it... there were really only three. And only two of them really mattered; that she was trying to move on from the past was neither here nor there, and Nate did not need to hear it.

"Secondly... It seems I wound up switching sides in this stupid conflict." A twitch of her mouth betrayed the first stirrings of something within her mind. Confusion, bewilderment, perhaps even resignation. "I wouldn't give a damn about who wins or loses, if it weren't for Amun. I care about him, and... I don't want him to die. So I'm going to do what I can to help him - help all of you. This thing that I did? I won't risk it being a thing that breaks trust and distracts people when it is needed. That's why I am telling you now." Taking a step forward, Maea lifted her chin. All but offering up that slender neck for Nate to wrap his hands around, should he be inclined to do so.

"If you want to beat the shit out of me, go ahead. I deserve it. Whatever you deem fair and appropriate as repayment, I will do. And if you want my head for it -" She hesitated. Thought of her brother, the promise they had made, "- then I hope you can wait at least until the war is over. Until I am no longer needed."

After that... It did not matter. She couldn't see that far ahead anyway.

I'm bleeding out for you

BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3

NATE

"I don't want shit from you. I want you to fucking choke on this half-assed, nothing apology until you have something better to offer me. You," Nate blinks, a hand lifting to scrub at his face and press back through his hair, "you don't even know everything that you fucked up, do you? I mean, you have no idea. How could you? You didn't care, all that mattered was your feelings were hurt, huh?" His eyes haven't left her once, the bright blue all but glowing under the stormy furrow of his brows, lightning dancing just under his skin and across his scar. "I didn't deserve any of that. And if you'd ever actually loved Sunjata, you'd know he doesn't either."

There are so many things wrong with her explanations, her reasoning's, but Nate can't seem to find the strength inside himself to, go through them all, can't muster anything more than en extra ounce of venom in his glare. "You're a selfish bitch, you know that?" There's not even any heat in Nate's voice when he says it, the anger in him smouldered out, pressed into something icy and sharp. "It doesn't matter that an entire race of people is going to be snuffed out until it's someone you care about, is that right?"

The offer is not missed, Nate's hands itching for violence, his fingers twitch before he clenches them tightly at his sides. "It's not even worth fucking touching you, is it? You'll just go snivelling off to the latest stupid fuck who had the bad sense to feel fucking sorry for you." He rolls his eyes, lips curling. His eyes finally drop, lingering on her neck. It's tempting. It's so tempting.

"I hope you think about this until the day you die. I hope you feel fucking bad." He leans in, his voice finally growing softer, but sharpening as it does. "You're not a monster because you're an ascended, you're a monster because you're a fucking bad person."

I got my fingers crossed you'll catch something baby
Cause I just threw myself at you

MAEA

It was indeed a poor apology, and Maea knew it. They usually required some show of remorse, of regret and a dedication to never repeating that act again. Even now she reached inward and tried to shake loose something. Anything that might shift her features, to crumple the ice in her veins and make the insults and shaming words burn. Gods, how she wanted them to bite into her with all the wrath of the semi-divine being before her.

But there was nothing but a resigned acceptance in her right now. Maybe the burn would come later, when it sank in properly. He hadn't said anything she didn't know. Selfish, cruel, morally corrupt - Maea heard him and nodded her agreement to all of it, and wished he would actually hit her. That it might actually hurt, until this numbness shattered and fell away and she fully comprehended what it meant to be alive again. Thus fully understanding the magnitude of what she had done.

"I am sorry," she said again, in that same calm, slightly aloof way. "You are right. About all of it. I wish I could convey that I really am, but I can't feel much of anything right now. It comes and goes; right now it's all very distant. If it helps, I will probably feel terrible later."

Not even the part about Sunjata managed to rile her. The thought ought to blister and sting, make her seethe at implication that the love the har returned from the dead for was false; and Maea brace for it, willed it to come washing over her.

... nothing. Nothing.

And perhaps this was indeed proof that Nate was right. She was a bad person. Messed up in the head, for being able to stand and face Nate, and speak of her actions. A monster... indeed, that was a fitting term. She knew it, had always known, and the real miracle was how some people managed to miss seeing her for what she really was.

Amun... whatever good it was he saw in her must be one very convincing illusion.

"Okay. Well. If you change your mind, call in the debt whenever, and however it suits you. I won't go crying to anyone. I know I deserve it, whatever it turns out to be." In fact, she wouldn't deny him anything. No matter how painful or degrading or bothersome a thing, she would call it fair and do it.

A monster on a leash. And finally someone who held her accountable.

I'm bleeding out for you

BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3

NATE

“Why would that help? Why would it help to know that you’d feel terrible later?” If she didn’t have the decency to even pretend to feel bad now, why the fuck should he care about later? If he were capable of feeling any kind of pity for Maea, this would be where it bloomed, choking and damp, but all there is in Nate’s chest is a boiling hollow, dead and lifeless. “Nothing you can do will help.”

He looks down on the unwilling ascended, literally and figuratively. Nate knows he should filled with an apoplectic rage, some seething, boiling, impossible to hold coil, but there’s nothing hot in him at all. There is still a seethe, but it’s cold, hateful, useless. It’s a strange place to be in, and perhaps if they were different people Nate would be able to sympathize, but as they are all he can do is wish there was some way to heal this numbness, for both of them, so he could revel in causing pain and stoking fear.

A thought comes to him, there and gone again in an instant, but leaving behind enough of a flash to move his lips again. “You’re going to help me commit some vandalism.” He decides after a long, blank moment, his glare still locked on her. “I’ll decide what else later, but you can start with that.” His tongue dips out to wet his lips then stops between his teeth as he thinks. “I’ll,” his hand waves dismissively, “make sure you know. Maybe you’ll die like you want then.” Truth be told, Nate cannot bring himself to care past the words, suddenly wrapped up in a plan, moving the little pieces around in his mind as he turns without another word and stalks out, steps nearly silent now.

Done~

I got my fingers crossed you'll catch something baby
Cause I just threw myself at you

MAEA

Nothing she did could help. Ah. Ouch. That one...

He didn't know the truth of the words he spoke. Nothing she did had ever helped anyone, and that was not bound to change anytime soon. Despite any good intentions she had. Despite the fact that being helpful was the only true desire she'd held all these years. Maea was sure it wasn't an intentional jab, or Nate would surely have gloated more over finally saying something that cut her.

In his defense it hardly showed; just a slight tightening around her eyes. Easy to miss.

The disparaging expression on his face tore into her too. Worse than any word or curse, it tore into her and reduced the pale-faced girl until she felt diminished, ripped apart and exposed as the pathetic creature of selfishness, spite and violence she truly was. Some oozing monster of gut instinct and base need, without a shred of decency.

How fitting it was, to be used for vandalism then. Tearing things down and bringing ruin was all the was good for, after all; it was almost satisfying. Enough that she inclined her head in mute acknowledgement before Nate dismissed her and stalked off.

Almost. Only a niggling worry remained, that had everything to do with the risk of death and any repercussions it might have on the one person who truly cared about the monster known as Maea Valair. She mulled it over as the slowly turned back towards the daggers, the training field and the target where her last throw remained.

So far off the mark it set her sniggering, with an undertone of hysteria .

{FIN}

I'm bleeding out for you

BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3