[SE] i'm not angry

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

It has been a long time - if ever - since Ronin has actually put someone into a cell in Judgement's Needle, but that is where the magically sleeping (and soaking wet and bruised to fuck and gods he hopes he's uncomfortable even in his dreams) Sunjata is placed. And he fucking leaves him there for now, because fuck if he doesn't have shit to get on with himself.

First it's dealing with the understandable panik at the Falling, given that a section of their fair city has just gotten up and walked away. Then it's checking to make sure Mateo is alright, but the Collegium seems pretty good at keeping its students from wandering off into danger or the chaos that follows an event like a stone giant. (They're better than Ronin is at it, anyway).

And, as night falls and he's hungry and aching and exhausted, finally does he allow himself to shrug off the mantle of Commander and give his husband the attention he so sorely deserves.

Indeed, as they stumble walk gracefully up the spiral steps into their apartment in the Plaza, Ronin is pressing soft kisses to any and every part of Remi's face and hands he can reach. "I'm so sorry," he murmurs; for being late with his affections, for Remi missing a creature the size of a literal cliff, for every bruised bone and marked bit of flesh both on show and hidden beneath clothing.

RONIN

walked out this morning and i wrote down this song.
i just can't remember who to send it to

While Ronin had been ComManDeRiNg, Remi had been smouldering. Like coals doused with water that could no longer catch fire but could still steam and hiss and scald, he'd paced and then flown what remained of the Falling wondering (hoping) he'd catch sight of someone else lurking there.

But magical or otherwise, he'd seen nothing.

So, still not entirely settled, the alchemist had simply waited for his husband and when Ronin was finally free, it was with eyes burning white and his jaw set that he pressed himself against the Huntsman's side. 'There is nothing for you to be sorry for.' The Lullaby replied, and though that was true, some part of Remi wanted to believe otherwise. That was only the jealous and vengeful predator inside of him though, and the current of his emotions showed as much.

'You could keep him asleep forever, you know.' Him of course being Sunjata, though that went without saying. "Or at least long enough that we have both forgotten what his voice sounds like."

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

"I could," Ronin agrees, his words mumbled around the kiss he's pressing to his husband's jawline as he fumbles them up to their apartment. "Pretty sure Frey would come knocking eventually if I did that, though. And the safe haven would never be completed." Scrunching his nose as if hating his own logic, he glances up into his husband's fury-white eyes and lets his shoulders sag.

"We'll talk about him later," he grumbles, drawing Remi flush against him with the intention of capturing his lips in a kiss that's as soft and passionate as any first love, even as he steps them backwards towards their bedroom. "You need me to kiss you better. Everywhere," he says, and though his hands are gentle as they glide down Remi's body, they are no less insistent for it.

RONIN

walked out this morning and i wrote down this song.
i just can't remember who to send it to

"So?" Perhaps it was the lingering confidence from having survived yet another ridiculous attack, but just then Remi would have slammed the door in Frey's face should the deity come knocking. They'd almost let Sunjata die once, what was to think they wouldn't again? Looking at Ronin hatefully but only because the film of anger over his eyes coloured everything in shades of cinder and crimson, he forced himself to sigh and nod.

Whatever words he might have said were snuffed away by his husband's lips, and though there would never be a time where Ronin wasn't his complete and utter undoing, on this occasion the Lullaby's hackles had turned into knots which wouldn't be so easily teased away. "I could have killed him again and again and again." Remi whispers against his husband's lips, the words coming out as both repentance and regret. Restraint was certainly not a thing he was known for, and letting Sunjata live was more of a wound than any injury he'd sustained that day.

"..with nothing more than a breath.." The hands which had been around the Flood's throat now tightened around Ronin's waist possessively and without apology.

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

"Mm, I know you could," Ronin says, and it's by no means an effort to placate the other man. His words are quiet and plain and factual, even as his fingers stretch up to plunge into the back of Remi's curls, as if he could press his fingers against his scalp and soothe the rising of his hackles, metaphorical or otherwise. "Without even trying," he continues in agreement, pausing before the bed to kiss Remi's temple.

"But you didn't. And I know you hate that you didn't, but I want you to know that I am very proud of you for it." His words are almost a purr in the twilight of their room, broken only by the beam of gold from the corridor at their backs. "It takes a much stronger man to hold himself in check than to give in to his urges. And you are a very, very strong man," he says, in case the Lullaby might have forgotten.

RONIN

walked out this morning and i wrote down this song.
i just can't remember who to send it to

Remi can feel the snarl on his lips, can feel the more menacing and feral parts of himself stirring unhappily beneath Ronin's words. Releasing the Huntsman, the Lullaby steps away, folding his arms across his chest and digging fingertips now tipped with claws into his biceps as he glares out into the darkness.

Remi's lips flinch with the words he is trying to keep caged behind his teeth at least long enough that he might edit them. Snippets of hateful words are countered by Ronin's mental voice saying they'd talk about it later. Other iterations of himself sigh out his tension so that he might join his husband in bed, while others still shatter their window and flee into the night. Torn between the only two options his mind is offering - submission and violence - Remi can only clench his fingers more tightly that the pain might give him clarity.

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

Riding out a quiet sigh and letting his fingers slip away from soft curls, Ronin gives the Lullaby all the space he needs. This is no longer the man who could be placated by gentle touches and shared warmth, and the Huntsman reminds himself of that - as well as of the fact that he can't remember a time when his husband's eyes had been so startlingly white.

After a few carefully thought out moments, Ronin steps up beside the other man and glances sidelong at him. "We can talk about it now," he offers, having wanted to save the serious conversations for afterwards, but the mood has been left to sour and rot in the time it's taken for him to get Stormbreak in order.

"We can also go to Halo, and hunt down ursur and herds of luxere on the Tundra. Or head into the Arclight where it's black and cold and quiet, and you can think. You can even go without me, if you need it. Though I will wait here for you until you get back. Needily."

RONIN

walked out this morning and i wrote down this song.
i just can't remember who to send it to

It's all the things Remi might normally want to hear, all the things Ronin ought to do and yet for possibly the first time in the entirety of their marriage, it has nearly no effect at all. This, more than his white-hot fury strikes Remi as being the most startling thing about his anger, and though he can't bring himself to do anything about it now, he does recognize it for what it is.

"We are here to fight a war. To potentially give up our lives for it." Remi says in a calm and far too measured tone of voice. His eyes don't blink as he stares out the window, though his eyelashes do flinch every now and then. "We kill monsters without thought...we protect those who cannot protect themselves..." Raising a single eyebrow, Remi tilts his head thoughtfully to the side. "Frey cannot kill me...so let them strike me down. Sunjata had to know the consequences of coming into Stormbreak. He was even given a chance to leave and did not take it. The lives that will no longer be spared are on his hands."

I am going to kill him, Remi thought then, tasting the words before saying them. The thought brought with it a rush of adrenaline and a sense of blue-calm that began to soothe the white from his eyes. Pursing his lips around the shape of the words, the alchemist stands a touch taller.

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

He can feel the other man slipping out of his reach, retreating to somewhere dark and bleak not unlike the cavern where a kraken might dwell, and for just a moment Ronin does wonder if any of this is partially an effect of the other creatures that lurk in Remi's bones. Inhaling deeply and letting it out again, he moves to sink down onto the edge of their bed.

"Providing it's not Ascended who need protecting, yes," he agrees, because there's no point in believing that their protection doesn't come with terms and conditions. "What lives won't be spared from his coming to Stormbreak?" he asks, sounding tired and puzzled. "The giant pulled away from the cliffs and caused a lot of chaos, but as far as I am aware, the majority of people got out unharmed. A few were injured, granted."

RONIN

walked out this morning and i wrote down this song.
i just can't remember who to send it to

"The lives of those who will no longer be able to find haven in whatever land he was going to make." Remi supplies, sounding eerily calm. "He has made himself the leader of an ascended-only land. He has fought for them again and again. He is the reason you nearly died here. Alone." Only that has his voice wavering, and it's with a quick glance over his shoulder towards Ronin that breaks Remi's stony expression.

"He is not granted immunity from the things he has done simply because he had unfinished tasks to complete for Frey." Biting at the inside of his lips and smoothing away the thoughtful wince his words had inspired, Remi shakes his head.

"He has picked his side in this and I will not let his mishandling of things cause any more pain to anyone else." Turning to Ronin, the white in Remi's eyes was now like some absurd halo, as if there was a ring light behind the Huntsman shining brightly. "Those blows from the giant? They would have killed you. They would have killed Melita. They would have killed Darkeye. That I am as strong as I am should not be the reason he simply gets to walk away from this."

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

Ronin raises his eyebrows at that, feeling as if his fingers have found a metaphorical thread to tug at here, and the longer the conversation goes on, the more he feels the fabric of their shared stance on things disintegrating. "You don't get to decide that innocent people will die because you are angry," he says slowly, feeling as though he ought to be standing, still, but worried that rising to his feet will stir both of their more aggressive natures to the surface.

"And you are not granted immunity from doing something rash because you are Ludo's chosen. Frey might not be able to kill you, but they can take you out of all this until... well, until only they know how long," he adds, treading carefully with his tone now as well as his body language. Granted, it's a feat made a lot more difficult with Remi's lauding of his endless and impressive strength compared to the rest of the world, arguably group, Ronin dropping his gaze towards the ground.

"It hit me first and I'm still here," he points out, a victim to his own petulance and proving that, despite their superhuman aspects, there's still a very human heart being bruised underneath it all.

RONIN

walked out this morning and i wrote down this song.
i just can't remember who to send it to

"Perhaps not. Instead, they will die because Sunjata is reckless and stupid." Remi replies. "Is that better?" Running his tongue against the bottom of his teeth, the Lullaby sneers up at the ceiling as he shakes his head. "Rash? Ronin we kill creatures who pose a threat all the time. Sunjata is not markedly different, not anymore. Not when this was a fight he brought here. Again. When he could have left but didn't." Turning, words formed by the buzzing of bees and the howl of a cold wind spell out you killed Nate in the same circumstances, didn't you? over the bond between them.

'Mmm, it hit you once.' Remi snaps, his teeth clicking together with far more bite than he'd intended. Feathering his jaw and turning his back on Ronin as if that might somehow save his husband more of his misplaced aggression, the Lullaby sighs heavily. "My point is that had those attacks been directed elsewhere, there would have been blood in the water. Sunjata does not get to say that no one was hurt just because all of that hurt was given to me."

Remi would soak pain until his ears bled and his heart was pulp if it meant saving those he cared for; never would he do it simply so that someone else could say their actions were excusable because there hadn't been any casualties.

I shouldn't laugh, but I know I'm a failure in your eyes

"No, it isn't better," Ronin says as if wondering whether Remi really believes what he's saying. There's a lot that dances under his tongue, much of it snarky and unfair and some of it just mean for the sake of it. Things like I've never seen you miss so much, as Remi had once quipped to him after the gargoyle at Hak Etme. Things like okay, Commander, do whatever you like with your prisoner in your city.

But ultimately the boiling chasm of his words become nothing more than a sigh of steam on the air before them, and Ronin scrubs tiredly at his eyes. "I'm sorry," he murmurs. "I'm sorry you had to get knocked around so much out there. And I'm sorry that things have turned out this way." His opinions might still stand, but if nothing more, he can at least very much empathise with the Lullaby here.

RONIN

walked out this morning and i wrote down this song.
i just can't remember who to send it to

Remi too thinks thoughts better left unsaid. In the hours which follow he'll chastise himself for even thinking them, but just now it's enough that they stay caged behind his already sharpened teeth. Fury has his fingertips trembling from just how tightly coiled the muscles of his arms have come, and the air in his lungs is hot and stale from how long it is been since he's taken a proper breath, and then..

..turning, his arms dropping from his sides, Remi falls to his knees before the Huntsman and buries his head in Ronin's lap. Stretching out his arms so that his fingers could push past the bottom of Ronin's shirt, Remi smoothes his palms against his husband's lower back so that his emotions might say all the things his words had clearly failed to.

What poured from the Lullaby was complete darkness, prepped and quivering at the chance to devour and destroy. All that held back the unfathomable waves of violence was a single point of light; a dazzle that could not be doused. "I..." Gasping for breath, Remi shakes his head as his fingers curl more tightly around Ronin. "..gods I need you, because none of this makes sense anymore."