Heart like an eggshell

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

No letter precedes her visit. She is partially aimless, uncertain if she’s coming to investigate the Haven or if she’s there in hopes she’ll find them. Having an intentional goal feels too real, too much like an admission of how she’s feeling, and Hotaru isn’t capable of shouldering those emotions right now.

It’s an interesting feeling, the block on her magic and shifts, but she merely marvels at it distantly and continues to walk through the refuge. There aren’t many considering it’s not time to take shelter and for that the Valkyrie is grateful. Company is not what she wants right now. At least not theirs.

Her feet pull her in wandering loops, stoically investigating the efforts - both human and herald - that had gone into the creation of such a vast and self-sustaining system. Pretending to be interested can only fill so many minutes even for an actress as proficient as Hotaru however, and eventually she simply stops. Stands there staring out over the grassy expanse in the center of the haven, golden hair lit ablaze by the summer sun, seeing an entire world of things that aren’t really there. Then, after a long moment, she turns and walks out of the boundary line until she can feel its hold on her relent. A call goes out that nobody else can hear, and as the Valkyrie folds slowly to her knees, a golden cat slinks out from the trees to lay beside her, mighty jaw placed upon her thigh to gaze at her silently as Hotaru’s hand slowly lowers to stroke its soft head. Woman and lioness sitting sentinel at the opening of the refuge.

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

There are still a few things to get in order – namely the fact that he finds himself retreating back to how he had been when he first arrived. Nothing more than a typical Accepted, no shifts or magic or powers of any kind to help make the day to day easier, something he gets used to the longer he spends in the haven’s perimeter. But the fact that he can still leave is a good sign, no word having reached him about things coming to a head just yet.

But there is word about something, a woman and a lioness, and if Sunjata didn’t know any better he’d know just who exactly it was making waves within the haven so far. Not for anything but the mere mention of it that attracts his attention, has him stepping out of the building he’d helped to build beforehand, the one that he intends to safely nestle his twins within while Nate’s off fighting the gods war.

He finds her at the entrance, not too far away from it, sunk to her knees and memories flicker within his mind over the letters he’s received recently, memories of the Wraith and a comment made seasons ago. “Hey.” He offers her quietly, approaching as the magic and shifts return to him as the block is lifted, announcing his presence before he steps closer, a lightning scarred hand outstretched to rest on her shoulder.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

Ru doesn’t bother tracking the time she spends kneeling there, the cat’s head in her lap, feeling the soft rumbling purr through her thigh. Likely just due to comfort as it sunbathes alongside the Valkyrie, but Ru can’t help selfishly imagining the predator is trying to comfort her. She misses Atlas with freshly renewed grief. Time makes all things easier, but her fingers still shake whenever they part from the cougar’s fur to begin the long stroking pets again.

The slight tensing of corded muscles beneath her palm alert her to the arrival of another before her own ears do, human as they remain in the moment. She doesn’t bother turning when she hears the quiet greeting. Curiosity is a sensation she is not capable of feeling right now, even if she didn’t immediately recognize the man who voices it. The Valkyrie relaxes immediately when she feels his hand settle on her shoulder and drops her cheek to his knuckles, feeling the warmth of his hand gently pinned between her shoulder and face.

“I should have expected to see you,” she murmurs softly, taking in his stubbornly familiar scent. Opening her eyes - when had they closed? - she lifts her head just enough to look up at him, and her eyes are red-rimmed in a drawn, pale face. “Sit with me?” It sounds like an echo, and she realizes it’s because she asked the same of Deimos upon her return to Halo. Asking for the barest minimum of company and support in ways she never would have voiced before. But then again, Hotaru had not needed to before. Physicality had been assured, then. Before…everything.

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

“Of course.” Comes the accented rumble. “This is my creation, after all.” A somber smile graces his face, though he takes in the cougar and woman, of which the latter he has a far amount of history with. And with it, he chooses to sit with her regardless of what’s occurred in the past, the hand abandoning her shoulder as he kneels beside her, an arm opening up for her to nestle into his warm side from. “I heard.” He rumbles, because he has an idea of what this is about, even if he doesn’t know for sure.

And if it wasn’t the Wraith and revolving around her children, she wouldn’t be so sorrowed. She’d be bloodthirsty, out for vengeance. In fact, his thigh almost aches with the memory of her shoving that dagger into it what felt like eons ago.

“I’m sorry.” He offers, though he can’t say much else. He doesn’t know what else to offer other than somber company.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

She concedes the point with a soft hum and nothing more. Honestly she hadn’t been seeking him out intentionally, needing to see the refuge with her own eyes out of curiosity, driven by the restless fear of her twins refusing to utilize it. Or maybe she’s just chasing ghosts, now.

As his arm wraps around her she leans into it, too tired to feel much more than the sting of her own eyes as she watches her own hand smoothing over the cougar’s head. Of course he knows. It was ridiculous to imagine she was the only one to receive a letter, wasn’t it? Not a footnote this time, but still only one in a handful of preemptive goodbyes. She shouldn’t be so selfish as to wish she was the only one, but when has she ever cared about being selfish before? Her covetous nature has never awarded her anything permanent. Everything that passes through her fingers is destined to be grasped only temporarily.

“I don’t want to be pathetic enough to say this should be my sign to give up,” she murmurs into his shoulder, wishing she didn’t find his embrace so comforting after all they’d done to each other. “But it feels like it.” She’s scarcely thirty years old, and already she feels as if this is it. That her solitary nature has now doomed her heart to be the same. That fate, and the cruelty of gods, will never allow her true happiness.

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

She leans into his open arm and his cheek presses against the crown of her golden hair, gaze dropping to the mountain lion still resting against her as she strokes along its golden fur. He doesn’t speak until she’s ready to comment and when her voice airs, murmuring into his shoulder, muffled by cloth and skin and scar tissue, his arm tightens around her a fraction before a soft laugh leaves him. Not at her words, but at the way it sounds just like him.

“I thought the same.” He offers her, knowing she’d recall their conversations late into the night about Lusea, about the end all be all. About how love ended in nothing but tragedy for the Flood and there was a point where he just… Wanted to give it all up. “But then you happened and Nate happened.” He shrugs the shoulder she rests against, jostling her in the process. “I know we didn't end up working out but you’ll find someone, Ru.” He murmurs, lifting his head to tilt his chin down toward her to scan her.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

It’s a comfort, and she knows that is how it’s intended to be, but she tucks her face against his arm and can’t help the bitter smile that she hides into it, the creases of pain around her eyes. The mountain lion makes a soft unhappy sound, and Ru resumes her petting to appease it. “You still have Nate. I do not. That sort of love…you and I both know it doesn’t come around more than once or twice.” She has accepted that those bridges are burned forever, but she can’t help how she aches, taking his words entirely wrong until the burn only spreads throughout her veins, poisoning her.

Unaware of how he scans her, she blinks away idle tears, frowning slightly to feel them gathering. Hadn’t felt them form in the first place. “I am not entirely unhappy alone. But I can’t keep losing people over and over.” Can’t keep revealing the inner depths of herself only to have them gutted, pulled through her skin agonizingly by the very hands she’d held and entrusted to hold her heart. Shaking her head slightly she lifts her hand, and lets the cougar up, commanding it quietly to go. She watches it, and tries not to feel despondent; it isn’t her companion, never could compare, but the loneliness aches. Even with Sunjata there wrapped around her, it aches. Neither of them are hers, and Ru has only ever wanted something - someone - of her own. Something forever. Shaking herself a little - and perhaps leaning just a touch away from Sunjata, running away from that pain - Ru summons a flawless chagrined grin. “But I sound woefully despondent, don’t I? I just wanted a moment to grieve I suppose.” Implying she is grieving only Wessex, and not the barren ache that hasn’t left her bones since she read the woman’s letter. “I apologize for interrupting your day, I hadn’t intended to. Truly I didn’t think you’d be here, despite knowing you built it.” Wrapping her words up like a present, she winds down the interaction intentionally, choosing each word with intent to make it appear she was recovering from her melancholy sufficiently in order to convince him he could let her leave without concern.

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

It’s true. He does still have Nate – but the question is for how long? The demigod isn’t allowed in the safe haven Sunjata had built for everyone, and truth be told the way things are going so far his outlook grows bleaker and bleaker.

Though it isn’t like he’s been an optimist this latter half of his life. His pessimism has become a terrible, immobilizing fear that’s been difficult to push through, only doing it when he’s forced to. Things lately? They’ve forced his hand. They’ve also gotten him into spending time within the Stormbreak jail. “Yes, but for how long?” He asks in a small whisper – the honesty causing him to tense a fraction as she allows the cougar to leave, Sunjata’s steel gaze watching it step away before it returns to her and the debate she makes with pressing into his arm versus pulling away.

“Mm, well, you could sound worse. Could sound like me.” He rumbles to her, flashing a small smile in the hopes of taking her mind off of it for a moment to find the humor in the dark edges that seem to creep further and further in. “You didn’t interrupt anything. It’s just finishing touches these days.” He offers, withdrawing a hint into himself, casting a glance over his shoulder toward the entrance of the safe haven with people milling around on the inside of it, easily able to complete their duties with or without him.

He remains close to her, letting her pull away as much as she wants to, as his head tilts back toward her. “Are you fighting?” Or are you staying here? He asks quietly, the smile completely disappearing from his face despite how they’d never met his eyes in the first place.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

The honesty digs claws into her heart, tender and broken as it is. Does she not still love Nate too? How many should she expect to lose between now and the quiet of a war won or lost? What, to her, would she even consider as winning or losing? “Hopefully longer than I had with -” her throat chokes the name from her tongue, and Ru isn’t sure if it’s grief or that part of her that keeps standing up and loving on, forcing Hotaru past all manner of pain and loss. And while it’s a cold comfort, it’s true; Sunjata has had Nate longer than she ever had Wessex, or even the two of them, and will continue to have him for longer.

It doesn’t mean he won’t still lose him.

A small huff of a laugh leaves her, his attempts at buoying her mood reluctantly succeeding. “I think I have a bit further to dig before I can reach that level. But shouldn’t you be trying to be happy in these last moments anyway?” What has happened? She wants to ask, but can only imply it in her words, wondering what she has missed that could cause him to be similarly morose.

As he loosens his grip, she conflictingly stops pulling away, uncertain what she really wants. What she needs. “I always fight,” she murmurs, turning to face him. The smile doesn’t reach her eyes either, and in that they are the same. “Whatever war is to be waged, it seems unlikely to spread beyond the Draig, but humans aren’t the only monsters that may take advantage of thinned defenses; I can’t take my strength from Halo’s frontlines, and I know it.” She has no need to exaggerate her own power. She may not be a demigod, but she is a formidable fighter with plenty of war experience. Even if Ru felt she could stay away somehow, it would be selfish to remove herself from the game.

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

He should be trying to enjoy these moments, but it’s difficult to when it’s tainted by the inevitable goodbye, with the hope that he’ll see his husband on the other side of the war, while having the never ending pangs in his gut that tell him to not get his hopes up, that he won’t find Nate when all is said and done.

And that he’ll be alone. Again.

That he’ll have to figure it out. Again.

“I am trying. Succeeding is another thing entirely.” He offers to her with a small sad smile. The very same that remains on his face as she tells him she’s a fighter. “I understand.” He rumbles perhaps a bit sadly, shifting on the ground slightly awkwardly on his knees as he readjusts and takes a deep breath.

Then, glancing back to the safe haven before returning his attention to her, he starts to speak again. “Frey has told me Phoebe and I both will be in here. That we should try and start over, I suppose.” He doesn’t know how, to be honest. There’s worry that blooms in his stomach at the thought of how she never needed magic or abilities to get under his skin.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

She isn't sure if she envies him, really. Having that little extra time with a partner doomed, would it matter? Would she feel any different, in his shoes? "All we ever do is try," she agrees softly. And most times, we fail. It goes unsaid, but their histories are riddled with the consequences of their love, their choices, and neither of them is optimistic enough to believe they will avoid those consequences this time around.

What has really changed, anyway?

Her face goes through a complicated series of expressions at the unexpected revelation. Though Phoebe is her friend, in relation to Sunjata she cannot help the possessiveness, the territorial desire to stake her claim and ward off the woman that had so harmed him. That had taken him from her once. "Unless it was a command, you don't need to listen to that suggestion. Your chemistry has always been toxic, explosive. Be careful, Jata - with your heart and mind, for once." Her smile is weary, but she gently bumps her shoulder against his. "When I come back, she better not have gotten under your skin. Or you under hers." It's as playful a warning as she can manage, brow rising with a knowing look. Neither individual seems to have much restraint in close quarters, and Ru would be foolish to tell only one of them to behave.

right by the entrance you broke, finally reality's taking its hold

A low hum of agreement leaves him, but not much else. They try and try and try and the end result is still the same. So what else is there to do other than accept the inevitable? It’s the reason for his moroseness, the fact that it’s unlikely that the war shifts in his favor, and he has to spend the rest of his life trying to figure out just how to hold himself together yet again.

The thought makes him frown as the conversation shifts, Sunjata heaving a soft sigh as his gaze finds Hotaru’s bicolored ones as her shoulder bumps into his and he spies her weary smile. “It would be easier if we were at least tolerant of one another.” He pauses with a small shrug, his shoulder bumping into hers again. “I will do my best.” He murmurs, offering a soft smile before he pushes himself off the ground and offers her a hand.

“I wish you all the luck in the war, Ru.” He murmurs softly, a hint of sadness crossing his gaze before he has to look away.

you're not who you were, but you can't let it go
you're not where you're from, but you're always alone

SUNJATA

Hotaru

i'm still here but all is lost

"It has been a long time since you've seen each other. Perhaps that will be enough for some basic civility." Or so she hopes. With how few adults will accompany their children to the refuge, they will have their hands full already. Lingering animosity will do them no good, no matter how hypocritical Ru is in saying it. Were it her in his shoes, she admittedly wouldn't hold herself to the same standards.

She takes his hand, pulling herself up easily. Doesn't let it linger in his, though she wants to. "I will fight better, knowing you are safe here," she admits quietly, as if the lower volume somehow makes the vulnerability easier. "See you on the other side, Jata." She presses a quick, chaste kiss to his cheek - the same way she'd left him to Phoebe once before - and turns to walk away from the refuge.

- Fin <3