Best-Laid Plans

S A M U E L

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Sam had been content with the pace of his and Remi's new relationship until the meeting in the temple headed by Jigano. The meeting had put into his mind things he had tried to leave aside; thoughts of the inevitably soon attack on the spire and potential fall of the barrier. He had wanted to never think of them again, hope they just wouldn't happen for some reason or another...but when he was in the temple listening to everyone's thoughts and plans, it was too real.

Remi had promised him they would travel together...but not the Remi who was there now.

The Remi who sat next to him had made no such vow, had never even heard of the idea. The Remi who sat next to him now had the justifications to just leave without telling Sam at all if the barrier fell the next day. After all, they were tentatively friends. A little bit of flirting and a nice flight did not love make.

Or perhaps, not for Remi. All the last couple of weeks had done for Sam was confirm his feelings. Remi was different now, new, yet he still found his heart tugged this way and that by him, his thoughts filled with the other man's eyes. He still wished to lay next to Remi and reach into him, cradle his heart, have his heart be cradled; he wanted to be loved.

He had never been loved.

Not wanting to let his one chance go so easy, Sam stopping Remi from leaving the meeting once it was finished with a tap of his shoulder, pointed to a corner of the temple. "Remi...could we talk for a moment? There's something I need to tell you."

I AM THE OCEAN CLAWING AT YOUR MOON

R E M I With thoughts of the upcoming attack on the spire monster lingering in his thoughts, the gentle tap of Sam's fingers on his shoulder startled him with a jolt from his musings. Even so, the immediate smile on his lips was genuine as he turned to see Sam standing behind him. With a naive, if not curious sort of expression softening his gaze, Remi nodded willingly as he glanced to where Sam was pointing. Why this conversation required both semi-privacy as well as the sort of immediacy that Remi had picked up on the alchemist couldn't say, but he was of course willing enough. "Yes of course." He said with a smile on his lips as he followed behind the bookmaker away from the departing crowd. "Is everything alright?"

S A M U E L

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Sam lead Remi to a dark alcove in the corner of the temple, a couple along from where their makeshift bed had been during Longnight. For a moment he wondered, if he could see himself now from then, as a ghost or omen of the future, how would he had felt? Would he had held onto Remi harder? Kept watch more?

But there was little time to think of himself as a ghost when he was alive and had this to sort out. "Thank you. Um....Well, I wanted to talk to you about a promise you made to me. Before...before you forgot." Sam held his arm with his hand, clearly uncomfortable. Would saying this push Remi away? Was it too much?

"Talking about the barrier, it reminded me. You...well. We agreed that if the barrier did fall, that you and I would go together. Travel...together." As he said it it definitely sounded like a couples plan, something that would no longer fit in with them, but he tried to not let this realisation show.

"So I just...wanted to tell you and I suppose...see if you'd want to." He couldn't help the quiver in his voice and the painfully hopeful look in his eyes, the clear desperation for a yes.

I AM THE OCEAN CLAWING AT YOUR MOON

R E M I Remi's lips formed a silent O as he looked down upon Sam as the red-haid said the word promise. Given that this was meant to be a rather...hushed? coversation, Remi was standing slightly closer than he otherwise might have liked. The last time he was this close to the bookmaker had been when Sam's hand had been on his jaw, and his lips on Remi's neck.  Sam was easy enough to read, at least for the alchemist anyways, and his tentative and worried posture made Remi similarly concerned. What might he have promised, that would make Sam react this way? Was it a vow he'd be able to keep now? Was it something his past self would have affirmed, but that he wouldn't now? And importantly, did it matter? Was he bound by the promises of his past self? However as Sam elaborated, the concern melted away, and the alchemist gazed fondly down at the man before him. "Well..." Remi began, his pale eyes searching Sam's as he tried to work out precisely how to communicate what he was thinking. Biting his lip slightly, his eyebrows moving slightly with words thought but not said outloud, finally Remi sighed quietly. "We are friends, so of course we could travel together. But..." Raising an arm, Remi ran his fingers through his curls, letting his head tilt to the side. "...but before...did you want to travel because you wanted to leave the barrier? Or..because you wanted to be with me?" This last part was far harder for the alchemist to say, and indeed his words became spaced out and his accent coated them as his eyes fell from Sams, to the freckles on the bridge of his nose, the straight line of his lips, and then finally down entirely.

S A M U E L

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Remi looked concerned, confused, something Sam supposed he could understand given how he had been dragged away to a secluded spot. As he saw him relax Sam did too, hoping for a good answer...and he did get one, but the way it started punched him in the gut.

Friends. It was more than he could have realistically hoped for, really, but the word still hurt. He tried to keep his smile plastered on but it visibly flinched and threatened to fade. When Remi asked his question, simple in of itself but brimming with implications, he opened his mouth to take a breath he no longer needed and considered how to answer in the most unemotional way possible.

But there wasn't really an unemotional way to tackle this; it was an emotional subject. "I...If I am being honest, I never wanted to leave the barrier until you told me you would. But since you did, and I began to think of us travelling together...I wanted it more and more. It sounds nice. Experiencing new things with you, seeing a whole new world. Scary as it may be...if I had you, I could do it." He spoke down to the floor with a half-whisper, worried to say the words in case they acted as a wall between them.

I AM THE OCEAN CLAWING AT YOUR MOON

R E M I The alchemist was still coming to terms with the fact that not only had he been in a relationship with another man, but that it had been a sexual relationship. The fact that he and that man were neighbours and budding friends complicated the matter infinitely, but the alchemist was trying to wrap his mind around it. Nevermind the additional levels of complexity that Sam's two bites. But standing in the dark of the temple with Sam nervously looking up at him, unsure what to say, Remi wondered if before he wouldn't simply have leaned down and kissed him, wrapped his arms around his shoulders to gently squeeze away his insecurities. But then again ... if he was the type of man capable of that, they wouldn't be having this conversation, because he would remember... "Hey—" Remi said, finding himself suddenly wanting to reach down and lift Sam's chin with his finger. Instead, he hoped that his whispered word would do the trick, so that he could gaze down into the bookmaker's eyes and trying to impart the depth of feeling and regret that curled like so much smoke inside of his chest. "I know I have said it before, but I am sorry that I lost what we had...I have looked for the mask, to see if I might bring it back to Ludo but..it is nowhere to be found. Nor the man I believe took it." With a sigh, Remi pinched the bridge of his nose finding himself already off-topic. "Would you still want to? To travel with me as we are now? Or ... " Rather helplessly, the alchemist shrugged.

S A M U E L

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Sam glanced up as Remi began to speak, hoping for a stupid moment that he might be about to discover it had all been some kind of trick, that Remi did love him. But all that came was apologies and promises, but not the ones he wanted. Swallowing down his disappointment he tried his best to listen.

"I know...that you will try your best. You always do. But even if you never find it...I think...we might be alright." He said, tentatively putting out a feel for his hopes of their continued relationship.

He could have laughed, the answer to the question was so obvious. "Yes. I...of course I'd want to come, Remi. I love you. I...Oh, um--" His chest bloomed with panic as he realised what he'd just said, his eyes growing wide and his mouth moving without words as he tried to think of how to take it back. It was true, it was so, so true...but it wasn't what Remi needed to hear.

"..I...I'm so sorry. I know you're not comfortable with it. I just. It just came out, and..." Sam gestured uselessly about his chest, hoping Remi wouldn't run away.

I AM THE OCEAN CLAWING AT YOUR MOON

R E M I It might have been obvious to Sam, but it certainly wasn't obvious to Remi. To give up your life for someone who cared for you in the same way you cared for them might be obvious, but Sam was only a stones-throw away from still being a stranger to the alchemist. That he'd stick with their previous plans so immediately was shocking, but perhaps not so shocking as what Sam said next. "Oh." Remi said, his held-breath shakily forming the word as he stared stupidly doiwn at Sam, long lashes fluttering over impossibly overwhelmed eyes. Colour rose to the alchemist's cheeks and even in the shadowy darkness of their corner, it formed clear roses on the apples of his cheeks. "Ahh..mm.." Remi hummed foolishly, suddenly terrible unsure what it was he normally did with his hands in situations like this, or even his body. Was he standing too straight? Would he come across as too rigid? Should he slouch? Or would Sam then think he was making a point about their respective heights and— —"Sam?" Remi whispered, "look at me?"

S A M U E L

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Remi didn't run, but he was clearly uncomfortable. Sam winced at the sound of his awkward hum, the sight of his stiff posture. He had gone too far this time, and the moment was just stretching out until he would lose Remi.

At the request he slowly turned his head upwards towards Remi. Both hope and painful waiting rose in him. The words could be a precursor to a kiss, or at least they would be in the version of his life he would right, the perfect romantic question before he was pulled up into Remi's arms and--

But they were more likely an instruction given so Remi could look him in the eyes as he told him that it wouldn't work. Remi was good, like that. Always wanted to be fair, respectful. Sam imagined he'd want to tell him properly why it wouldn't work, why they couldn't be in love. Each word would kill him but he would stand to hear them and then die later.

I AM THE OCEAN CLAWING AT YOUR MOON

R E M I As Sam looked up, the carefully constructed phrases with perfectly selected words disappeared entirely and all he could see was the searching and wanting and waiting look in Sam's eyes that seemed to change them into a kaleidoscope of colour. For a moment Remi was lost in the small flecks of green and blue and gray that he'd never noticed before. Did Sam know that they seemed to mirror his freckles? The alchemist could feel a small and unbidden smile pulling at his lips as he wondered dreamily and inappropriately whether if the constallation of freckles on Sam's body coudl render the star patterns of Northaven. Or here. Or any. It suddenly didn't matter, and it didn't— —but then his eyes were pulled down, past the curve of Sam's nose to his lips. Lips that he'd now seen smile and frown and sag and laugh and crease with all manner of emotions. Lips that had been wet with Remi's own blood—an image that should have been revolting but somehow stupidly wasn't. "Uhm—" Remi said, some small rational part of his mind still trying to remain focused. Blinking rapidly and glancing over Sam's shoulder as if somehow focusing on something else might bring back the words he wanted to say, Remi laughed a small and self-deprecating sort of sound, before raising his eyes back to Sam's almost apologetically. "Perhaps you would know better than I would at this point..but I do not believe another man has ever said he loved me before." Remi admitted in a soft and low voice, his melodic accent keeping the words bouyant even though the gentleness of his voice threatened to merely let them drop to the ground. "So please—" Raising his eyes uncertainly, he scanned Sam's gaze for a moment before letting himself smile slightly. "—never apologize for that." He managed finally, his voice no more than a whisper.

S A M U E L

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Remi just looked at him, at first. Sam watched his eyes stare into his own, then move to his lips; for a moment it appeared as if his fantasy may come true but then Remi did not move in or pull him close. He began to speak.

Sam stopped himself before he jumped in to tell Remi that no, he'd said it before, he'd said it so many times and he'd meant it every one, when he'd first said it in the back of the Rathskeller and when he'd gasped it out making love and when he'd whispered it into Remi's hair while he was sleeping. He'd meant it all of those times and he meant it so much more now, but Remi couldn't know it.

"I...It's not..the first time in general, but it's the first time for this you. So it still means something." He tried to smile but somehow didn't have the strength in his face. No one had ever said 'I love you' to Sam, and still no one had. There was a part of him that envied Remi deeply.

But there was a side of him that keenly noticed that Remi had not run. That he had gazed at Sam's lips for a moment. That they were alone now in the temple, with people either having filtered down to the Rathskeller or gone home. His hand moved almost without his consent to touch Remi's jaw softly, the touch barely there.

"Remi...could I kiss you?" He asked. After all, I love you was hardly complete without it.

I AM THE OCEAN CLAWING AT YOUR MOON

R E M I For a moment, Remi chuckled adoringly down at Sam as he shook his head. "I meant other than you." He whispered, the edge of his lips curling sweetly into a smile. And whether or not Sam did or didn't know it, it was in fact true. However the relaxation and tension-respite that his laughter had afforded him disappeared as Sam's hand gently touched the side of his jaw. Taut beneath Sam's feather-light touch, Remi merely looked down uncertainly at the bookmaker as if bound somehow by him, despite the overwhelming physical evidence that suggested Sam could do no such thing. "I—" Remi's heart raced in his chest and he became all too aware of just how close Sam was actually standing to him...or...that he was standing to Sam? Blood roared in his ears and at his sides his fingers retracted into his palm as if somehow that would help. Aware that he was talking too long to answer, Remi licked his lips slightly and swallowed, for his lips and mouth had become painfully dry. But then would Sam think that he'd moistened them as an answer? An answer in the affirmative? "I—" He stammered again, the roses in his cheeks flushing brightly as Remi's gaze helplessly searched Sams. Yes ? No? Why not? He didn't know, he didn't know, and so instead of saying anything, he just lowered his chin, eyes falling somewhere low on Sam's shirt, taking the cowardly way out by saying nothing at all.

S A M U E L

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Sam did indeed take Remi licking his lips as a good sign, but with no actual verbal answer to back it up, he could not move forward. What was between them was so fragile and he'd already tried his luck too far, pushed the string taunt; his fingers fell from Remi's chin.

"..Alright. I'm sorry. " He spoke somewhere down and left of Remi, no longer able to look in his eyes. "But..I would still very much like to go with you, when...or if the barrier falls. "

With that said there was little else to do now, heavy awkward tension settling like snow around them. Sam glanced at the door and fidgeted with his sleeve, clearly about to leave unless stopped.

I AM THE OCEAN CLAWING AT YOUR MOON

R E M I Remi bit the inside of his lip hard enough to make himself wince as Sam's hand fell away and he watched Sam's posture shift. It was like an arrow of ice not through his heart, but through his ribcage and all the muscles before and behind.  This Remi had never had his heart broken before, but he'd suffered enough physical damage to know that the ricochet of pain was not just some metaphorical cartoon-heart like feeling of shattering red pieces. It was something real and overwhelming that made Remi want to kick himself and scream and pound the walls and then laugh it all away and press himself against Sam and say, of course you can kiss me. I have wanted you to all along. But instead of those things Remi merely stared down at their collective feet, feeling an idiot and a fool and a coward. With painstaking slowness, Remi's fingers gently reached forward, meaning to gently take Sam's. To not quite hold his hand, but just to let their fingers brush and then slowly overlap. It was such a small gesture in the big scheme of the bookmaker's proclamation of love, so unsatisfying compared to the kiss he'd asked for, but it was all the alchemist could do in the moment, so frozen by indecision and the unknown as he was. "I think Ronin plans to attack the creature soon..." Remi whispered through lips that once again had gone dry, making the words almost like a croak. So if there was ever a time to kiss you, perhaps goodbye or just for the first time, it is now. "We can talk more about our plans after?" Assuming I make it back. So much unsaid, and still Remi's eyes were keenly focused on the floor.