The Unimaginable

Remi had gone to the guildhall, he'd been told. Looked awful sad, I guess cos of that Ronin fellow. Who's gonna look after the babe?Once Sam had gotten over his residual panic and fresh grief for the moment (they would return, of course) he immediately had run to the guildhall. Holding his hat down so it wouldn't blow off, he flew across the settlement to find Remi. This was bad. This was very, very bad. He needed to help Remi. There would be grief, there would be a child to look after, a guild's affairs to work out. There would be so much to do. Remi didn't remember him the same way, perhaps, but he knew Sam was to be trusted and could help (or at least he hoped). When he reached the door he wiped the tears from his eyes (though the shine on his cheeks would be tell enough) and collected himself for a moment. He had to be strong here, be someone dependable, useful. Remi would be falling apart. After one knock on the door he opened it, not really expecting Remi to answer. "Remi...? Are you in here...?" Samuel The Sun's rim dips; the stars rush out; At one stride comes the dark;

Remi didn't hear the knock on the door, didn't hear Sam calling out. The guildhall was large to be sure, but Remi couldn't hear much of anything at the moment. Curled about Aoife as a massive lion, his first task had been feeding her. Though she couldn't possibly have understood what had happened, still Remi pretended like everything was fine. Only Sugar knew, for she had keenly felt it. Blessfully though, she was as silent as the alchemist was on the subject. Having fed and changed his god-daughter, he swaddled her before the fire, shifted as he couldn't be bothered with cleaning himself up, and curled around her. For what felt like an eternity, he merely watched her with blank honey-coloured eyes, watching the slow rise and fall of her chest. As Sam entered, that was all he would see: the bed of blankets in which he and Ronin had been sleeping on before the fire, Sugar's den she'd created from gods knew what, and a lion curled up around a sleeping child. R Ǝ M I Since you burned me at the stake, all of my feelings went away At least there’s no feelings in my way

There was no response to his call, which Sam supposed was to be expected; he closed the door behind him and stepped in. There was a chance Remi wasn't here, but he had to look everywhere first. As it turned out, Remi was there. It took Sam a moment to register the lion sleeping before the fire as Remi, but when he did his heart sank. He hadn't known what to expect, but there was something about the lone (or so he thought, until he saw Aoife) creature before the fire that was distinctly sad. Softly taking steps forward, he knelt behind Remi and slowly placed a hand on the lion's back, spoke quietly: "Remi? It's Samuel. I'm here to help, if you need it." Samuel The Sun's rim dips; the stars rush out; At one stride comes the dark;

Only there was no way Remi was about to sneaked up on. Not with something as precious as Aoife nestled against him. Though he didn't move away from the sleeping girl, he turned his head around, canines showing as he snarled silently at Sam's approach. If there was recognition in Remi's honey-stare, it was hard to see. The shock had sank its claws deep into the wounded alchemist, and though clearly he had the presence of mind to make sure Aoife was comfortable and well-fed, the same was obviously not true of himself. But then, again, the lion snarling up at the bookmaker hardly seemed to care about much in this world anymore. If Sam still tried to reach out and touch him, he'd find the silent snarls would turn audible, the ferociousness of the big-cat's expression unmistakable. R Ǝ M I Since you burned me at the stake, all of my feelings went away At least there’s no feelings in my way

As soon as he saw the teeth Sam took a nervous step back, holding up his hands to try and show he was not a threat. Was this what Remi had been speaking about...? His uncontrollable hostile nature in his lion shift? Whatever it was, Sam would not meddle with it. Doing his best not to take it personally, he continued to step back until he reached a chair a good few metres from the lion. "I'm just going to sit here and wait, then. For you to be ready. Or...if you need anything." He realised, suddenly, that he was worried Remi could hurt himself. Not that the other man had suicidal tendencies (of the depression kind, not the running-into-danger kind, those he definitely had) but it had been a rough month. Isla, now Ronin...his memories lost...it would be enough to ruin everybody. Patiently, Sam would wait. Sat on the chair with his eyes evenly on Remi and Aoife, he rested his hands on his knees and did not move. For once he was glad to be an Ascended; he would not need to fear falling asleep or growing hungry. He could be a silent sentinel, watching until he was needed. Samuel The Sun's rim dips; the stars rush out; At one stride comes the dark;

His lips fell back around his impressive array of teeth as Sam backed away. With hostile eyes focused on the ascended, Remi's leonine tail flickered every now and then as if to assure the bookmaker that he was indeed still awake and aware of his presence. For her part, Sugar snapped her teeth, sending barbs of frost towards the ascended. Lording over her den like the small queen that she was, she puffed frosty air towards Sam, her bright eyes carving daggers against this intruder that for some reason they were not attacking. It was clear though, that should Remi say the word, the dragonling would be happy to attack. Much as Remi wanted to simply give into mind-numbing animal instincts (especially in a shift that could so easily keep Aoife warm and safe), it lacked the thumbs to properly feed and care for her. So, despite his reluctance, his care and concern would always take precedence. Without saying a word, Remi dissolved back into the body of a man; he'd shed his coat and now wore only a white shirt torn and bloodied and irreparable. His trousers too were hardly more than cloth loosely held together, but he clearly didn't care. Isla had healed him slightly, and as it was, he'd hardly been hurt at all. Wrapping Aoife in his arms, Remi cooed gently into the soft rolls of her neck with a carefulness that his current demeanor and appearance would suggest was impossible. "You have to go to sleep, because tonight I want to show you something special. Something in the sky. So you have to sleep now." He whispered against her, gently kissing her forehead as he disappeared into the kitchen to warm water for her bottle. R Ǝ M I Since you burned me at the stake, all of my feelings went away At least there’s no feelings in my way

Sam was aware of the eyes on him, both feline and draconian, but after a while when it was clear he wouldn't but hurt if he stayed still, it didn't bother him. It was a connection, almost. The fear that usually surrounded him stayed for the moment stamped down, squashed by grief and a desperate need to plan what he would do next. He was, as far as he was aware, one of the few remaining people Remi had. Vervain was there, of course, but she would be busy. A brand new baby and an infirmary to take over. Sam would be needed here; likely he would have to help Remi care for Aoife, help him work out what his life looked like now. Sam didn't know the first thing about babies or how to work your life around them. But he was going to try, because he loved him. Because he had to. Eventually, Remi shifted back. Sam didn't go to him at first, let him speak to Aoife (Sam couldn't hear the words) and walk to the kitchen. With a deep breath Sam stood and followed him to the doorway, stood there so he could keep an eye on the baby as he spoke. "Remi, you must be exhausted. Let me take care of Aoife for a while, as you nap." He suggested. Samuel The Sun's rim dips; the stars rush out; At one stride comes the dark;

"No Remi quite literally snarled. His teeth elongated and fur began to creep down his arms even as he held Aoife close and secure. "You will not touch her." He added, his teeth clicking together. He'd at some point turned an ear over his shoulder so that he could target see Sam in his periphery, and now he snapped his head back to the task at hand. Whispering sweet nothings into the dark patches of hair sprawling across the girl's head, Remi took a breath. He was exhausted. He was broken, devastated, heartbroken in a way he'd never experience before (even with his memories). Remi didn't know what he needed or wanted, but this wasn't it. Aggressively protective was not really a facet of the alchemist's personality before, but it certainly was now. He felt protective of the child in his arms in a way that meant he wouldn't just lay his life down for her, but that he'd actively seek out any who meant to harm her. R Ǝ M I Since you burned me at the stake, all of my feelings went away At least there’s no feelings in my way

The fire still in Remi's voice in his human form made Sam jump, flinch back. For a moment he wondered if this was a bad idea, a way to get himself killed and a wedge put between him and Remi. But he couldn't give up so easy. Couldn't leave Remi alone; he could hurt himself, or...Sam didn't want to think it, but he was nervous leaving a Remi so enraged with a child. As protective as he was, the fury in him seemed uncontrollable. With a hand on the doorframe to stop the shaking in his arms he looked back up to Remi. "Alright. I'm sorry. But you can't stay up forever, Remi. If you're sleep-deprived, you might end up hurting her. Can I at least go to get someone?" It hurt him to have to depend on someone else to help, but if it was what Remi needed, he would do it. He hoped appealing to reason, to protecting Aoife, might convince Remi to seek out assistance. Samuel The Sun's rim dips; the stars rush out; At one stride comes the dark;

"I will sleep when she does." He said over his shoulder, his voice losing its edge ever so slightly, but even so, coming from Remi it was like barbed wire compared to how he normally sounded. Get someone? Yes. Ronin. Ronin or Vanya. That's who Remi wanted, but they were gone. The both of them. Against Aoife, Remi sighed, clinging to her like a life-raft even as she squirmed unhappily in his arms. With an impatient wail she beat her tiny fists against his chest— causing Sugar to rush into the kitchen and skid on the floor like an overly excited dog. Waiving his hand gently towards her, Sugar to indicate that things were alright, she gave a haughty sniff in Sam's direction before stomping quite deliberately back towards her den. "Sam...just—" Remi clenched his teeth as the water started to boil. Grabbing the kettle with his bare hands and seeming not to notice, he poured it around the bottle before dropping it as heat seemingly bled into his mind. With a gasp, he pulled his hand back, looking at the scalded flesh. With a snarl and snap of her teeth, Sugar ran back into the kitchen, a concerned look on her draconic face. With a growl that sounded ferocious, but one that Remi didn't flinch away from, he held out his hand for Sugar to breathe a breath of frost against. Groaning into the pain, he allowed her to finish, eyes closed, before opening them and giving Sam a weary look. For the first time since Sam had left Remi in the temple, the bookmaker could get a good look at him. Not only did he look exhausted and wounded, but perhaps most importantly, it appeared that the light had entirely gone from his eyes. He seemed incapable of smiling in such a way as to relight the spark which was one in a sea-glass green stare, that now looked muddy and clouded. "..just go." R Ǝ M I Since you burned me at the stake, all of my feelings went away At least there’s no feelings in my way

Sam's concern only grew as Remi first held Aoife too tight (he didn't know much about babies, but making them cry was almost definitely wrong) and then dropped the kettle; he nearly rushed forward but stopped himself, not wanting to invoke Remi's instincts. He sighed. He couldn't leave, not now; he had no idea how to deal with any of it but Remi was dropping things, out of control, hurt. Sam slowly shook his head. Trying to start again he began with what he probably should have said in the first place, his hand tangling in his shirt (defiance was not natural for him. Fear of something curled up his back). "Remi...I am so, so sorry. About Ronin. About...everything, recently. I know...I know it must be very, very hard for you. You can't do this alone. Maybe it's not...me you want, but I'm not...I'm not going to leave you alone. I'm worried for you. I could get Vervain? Or..or I could warm up the bottle while you hold Aoife." That way at least Remi would be able to keep his hold on the baby. "Please. I know you're hurting. Let me help." Samuel The Sun's rim dips; the stars rush out; At one stride comes the dark;

The alchemist couldn't think. All there was in his life now was Aoife. That's all he wanted. Just her in this dark and fresh hell he found himself in. But that wasn't what he got. Right now he had increasing bodily wounds and this man who cared far too much. Remi wasn't worth caring about. Ronin had been, and he'd died in a pit. "It must be very hard?" Remi snapped back, his voice like ice. It must be very hard? No. Losing his memories had been very hard. Surviving LongNight had been very hard. Making alcohol faster than the drunks at the Rathskeller could drink it was very hard. Losing Ronin was impossible. "I am fine." Remi concluded, magically pulling the bottle from the water as he pressed a kiss with sudden delicateness against Aoife's head. "Are you ready for more?" He whispered into what would eventually become a full head of dark curls. With a sidelong glance at Sam, Remi stalked back into the great room, plopping himself easily by the fire, and began to feed Aoife. Rocking back and forth despite how it must make his body ache, Remi's interactions with his goddaughter seemed to be the only window into the man he was before Ronin's death, the one who cared, and loved, and laughed. R Ǝ M I Since you burned me at the stake, all of my feelings went away At least there’s no feelings in my way

Sam flinched with his whole body when Remi snapped back, closing his eyes hard to blink down the tears. He supposed Remi was right, very hard did not sum it up...but what could? There weren't any words. Anything you said after death was a scramble in the dark for the right language. He meant that it had to be a clawing black hole in Remi, something unspeakable and endless, but...you couldn't say that. To say it was to make it certain. Remi brought his attention back to Aoife then, so Sam sighed and gave up trying to speak to him. He wouldn't leave though. He had meant what he had said, about staying until Remi was looked after in one way or another. The lack of spirit in his eyes was concerning, felt like an omen of worse things to come. "I will stay, but not disturb you, then." He announced out into the temple, going to sit back in the same chair. Staying quiet without even the sound of breath, he would begin to look over Remi again. Samuel The Sun's rim dips; the stars rush out; At one stride comes the dark;

Remi knew what Sam was doing. He understood this brand of being caring, of being resilient despite the alchemist's attempts to make the bookmaker go. His heart should have been warmed by it. Look at what an asshole you are being, and yet he stays.Only that wasn't what was currently going through his head. Instead he felt only animosity towards the man who loved him, who sat quietly and unobtrusively while Remi fumbled around his first day of being a father. As Aoife sucked happily on the bottle, Remi ground his teeth against each other softly, watching her contentedly look up at him as she drank. The love he felt for her was immediate and pure. He would give his life in a heartbeat for her, would walk to the ends of the earth, and provide her all that he could. The love for her was as bright and shining as the stars her parents had become. And Sam? Glancing over at him now, Remi felt ... nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing besides shock and hunger and panic about Aoife. The point was, he felt none of the things he knew Sam expected. "Do not love me, Sam. " He said at last, looking down and swallowing. "Or stop loving me, or whatever it is." R Ǝ M I Since you burned me at the stake, all of my feelings went away At least there’s no feelings in my way