The Unimaginable

Sam understood what he was doing too. It was hard, not anything he had prepared for, but he had to do it. No matter what Remi said or did, he had to stay. Someone had to, and this was the hard side of love, wasn't it? Determinedly he ignored the way Remi couldn't even look at him, the way that when he did it was full of hate. The warning came from nowhere and he didn't understand it at first, still didn't fully comprehend it after he had run it over in his head a few times. He spoke patiently, his hands still and gaze even (which took a huge amount of effort). "I can't do that, Remi. But I don't expect you to love me. I just...I just want to make sure you will not be hurt. Once you are in a better state, you need never..." A sob threatened to choke him, he paused and shakily swallowed it back down. "..see me again. This isn't about...us. It's about you. I know it's all...terrible, and horrendous, and so much worse than very hard. But I can't...change that. All I can do is sit here and watch until you let me help, or someone else comes who can." With this said he straightened his posture back up, resumed his post. Samuel The Sun's rim dips; the stars rush out; At one stride comes the dark;

"Isn't about us?" Remi said, his voice full of a challenge, his gaze sparkling with something deep and dark. "Of course it is. Why else would you be here? You said yourself we were hardly friends before. We just sort of...accidentally fell together. Is that not right? So why are you here Sam, if not to be...to be..." His anger died immediately, for it was unresolved and alien to Remi. With a sigh, he looked back at Aoife smiling dutifully up at him as she finished the last of the milk. "Just...stop. Stop all of it. Stop with the words you think you should say, the love you think you should feel. Stop sitting like that, as if being just so will make things better. " His face was flushed, and despite how he might have wanted to pace or shout, with Aoife in his arms he could do neither. Finally the alchemist glanced up, as if just seeing Sam for the first time. He thought of how gentle the bookmaker had been in the Temple, how he'd pulled their lips together and how it had all been ruined immediately after. Remi thought of the spaces in his shattered heart, and how Aoife seemed to fill them all. There wasn't room for anyone else and whatever it was Remi might have needed, Sam wasn't providing it. Sam was trying, he could see that, but it was in all the wrong ways. And if you had to tell someone what you needed it lost something...something crucial. Something that said I do know you. Memories or no, just now without Ronin, the alchemist had never felt more alone. Less seen. "I do not love you Sam. I am sorry I lost what...what we had—" This he now said without certainty, as if perhaps doubting the sincerity of Sam's retelling given just how incompatible the two seemed in this moment. "—but I do not. And right now all I want is to be alone." R Ǝ M I Since you burned me at the stake, all of my feelings went away At least there’s no feelings in my way

Remi once again turned to speak with venom in his voice and Sam simply took the words, sat rendered immobile by respect for Remi's grief. It hadn't been about their relationship, or at least he hadn't meant it to be; he had just cared and wanted to help. He didn't understand; didn't know why his words were falling so flat. Remi had changed yet again from only a handful of weeks ago and Sam, who had so little experience in anything, did not know how to keep up. He did know one thing as he saw the look in Remi's eyes, though. This was not his love, not anymore. The man he had loved, who he'd dreamed had almost loved him...he was gone, behind a fog of lost memories and death and his own bumbling, incompetent attempts at finding him. Sam stood. "...I will go and fetch Vervain, then. But tell her to come later." Robotically he began to step back towards the door, knowing if he put any thought into the action he would collapse before he made it. Just as he touched the doors handle, he looked back. "Goodbye, Remi. I...really am sorry." About so many things. Samuel The Sun's rim dips; the stars rush out; At one stride comes the dark;

Silence fell then. There was only the rhythmic sound of Aoife's suckling and Remi's still-crumbling heart to echo through the still and deathly calm skeleton of the guildhall. In the darkness, Remi only allowed his eyes to look up as he heard the door softly click shut. He'd heard Sam's words, could feel the weight in them but ... he was just too tired. It was too big and too complicated and it was someone else's story. It all belonged to a man who had been careless and lost something that belonged to a god. This Remi was just the one playing out the falling action. This Remi was just owing all the fines someone else had racked up. This Remi was just breaking and broken who wasn't deserving of love. But that was fine. It all had to be fine, because there was Aoife. And she was everything now. His pale eyes rose softly into the darkness, watching the light disappear as the door closed. There were tears in those eyes, but not ones that he would let fall. They stung, and he let them. R Ǝ M I Since you burned me at the stake, all of my feelings went away At least there’s no feelings in my way