From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
What had started off as a perfectly lovely (albeit embarrassing) interaction had somehow turned sad, and Soh bit back tears as she desperately tried to figure out how to save the situation. She wasn't accustomed to talking about her feelings. Though she tended to wear her heart on her sleeve, she'd been raised by a particularly gruff person; sharing feelings hadn't exactly been Auden's forte. It left Soh - who had plenty of big emotions to process - in a bit of a difficult position. It wasn't that she tried to hide her emotions, it was just that she didn't know how to go about really feeling them.
"Yeah," she sniffled. "I think that's the worst part, right? Like, what if I'd done something different? Would they still be here?" She peered at Jude through watery eyes. He seemed to understand in a way that most people she'd interacted with since Auden's death hadn't. When he reached out to take her hand gently, she looked down with surprise, but she didn't pull away; instead, she squeezed his hand in solidarity. At that moment, they were just two kids who'd felt too much and tried too hard in a world that didn't really care.
As Jude tried to console her, a tear fell from Soh's cheek. Then another, and another, until she was choking back sobs. She hadn't really cried ever since Auden had died, preferring to focus on happier things rather than processing her grief. Jude's words pulled the sadness out of her, and for the first time, she allowed herself to really feel the pain of losing her guardian, and it was nearly enough to break her in two.
It certainly saddens him to see her go from blushing and flustered to so torn apart and saddened, and it makes him wonder if it's his own fault for pushing. But he recalls all the times Harper did the same, gently insisting until Jude broke, and how much better he felt after crying it out in his father's arms - and it keeps him firm to his resolve.
"Yeah but also...if healers couldn't figure it out, how could you?" They're just kids after all. Teenagers, sure, but still kids. Jude wouldn't know the first thing about advanced medicine or any magical illnesses, only the basics of botany and common tinctures. He knows how haunting those questions can be. Her own comfort had been unexpected and made him reconsider his own fear over having a hand in Maeve's disappearance, so maybe he can supply the same.
The tears startle him, but he doesn't pull away, the warmth of her hand like a tether. And, with no other experience to lean on, Jude tries to mimic his parents by gently pulling on her hand to get her to come closer, wrapping her up in his long arms to hold her close. "It's okay. We'll cry together," he whispers into her blonde hair, and feels his own eyes sting a little. He doesn't know if it's his mother's absence or just the pain of seeing Sohalia cry, but maybe it will help them both feel a little less alone or judged for their grief.
For a few moments, the pain was so intense that Soh could hardly breathe. But now that she'd started crying, she didn't know how to stop. She wanted to stop - needed to stop. It wasn't fair to Jude. He had his own sadness; he didn't need to shoulder her burdens, too. But the floodgates had opened, spilling out all of the pent up grief and misery that she'd kept hidden away for so long. There was no way out but through.
When he tugged her closer, she followed the pull blindly, numbly, instinctively clinging to the tether that seemed to be holding her together. But when he wrapped his arms around her, she stiffened; it was quite possible that the last time she'd been hugged was... well, she couldn't remember. Auden had been affectionate in their way, but they weren't a hugger. But to her surprise, it felt... nice. Comforting. Safe. After a moment's hesitation, she relaxed into Jude's arms, burying her face against his shoulder as sobs wracked her petite frame.
Eventually, her tears began to slow to a trickle, but she stayed there in Jude's arms, breathing shuddery, gasping breaths. It was a strange sensation, to be so close to someone else, and one that she hadn't felt for a very long time. But there was something to be said for basic human contact, and she found herself unwilling to move. She turned her head, resting it on Jude's chest. She could hear his heartbeat, and she clung to the sound as though it were a lifeline.
When her breathing had slowed and her mind had calmed, she realized that she'd probably outstayed her welcome; Jude probably wanted her to move now, and he certainly thought she was mad. It was deeply saddening to think that her first interaction with someone her age had ended so catastrophically; he'd probably never want to see her again. The thought made her tear up against, but she swallowed the lump in her throat and moved to sit up. Unable to meet Jude's eyes, Soh swiped at the remnants of tears on her cheeks. "I-I'm sorry," she stammered, suddenly feeling even more shy and out of her element than she had from eating the blushberry. She grasped for something else to say. "I don't - I don't normally do this. I'm usually happy." As though being sad was somehow such a bad thing.
Jude doesn't know how long it goes on really. He doesn't bother keeping track of time, merely notes the passage of it by the waves of her crying, the tempo of his hand gently rubbing her back. His own tears are a silent, intermittent trickle. He thought maybe he would cry more now that he allowed himself to, but there's a weird strength in providing a safe space for Sohalia that comforts him, centers him. It makes him feel good to know she's getting it all out, that he can help her the way his family does for him.
So when she pulls away, he can't help but feel a little cold, colder than the absence of her physical warmth can explain away. But though she pulls away, Jude still has her hand, and he gently squeezes it as her apologies stammer their way out. "Don't be sorry, I wanted you to do it," he reassures, though his own hand now feels like it's burning from the presumptuousness of continuing to hold hers. "I mean, I think you are happy. And very nice. There's nothing wrong with crying sometimes too though." ...right? Well, that's what his dad says, and Jude can't afford a crisis at sixteen, so he runs with it. "Even happy people can't be happy through losing their parents. Then how would anyone know we loved them?" Jude would consider it horribly rude to pretend Maeve's disappearance wasn't hurting him. How would anyone know the meaning of the loss, the depth of the relationship they'd had, if he pretended he was fine?
It wasn't until Jude squeezed her hand that she realized he still held it, and she squeezed back, unwilling to let go just yet. Focusing on the warmth of his hand in hers allowed Soh to ground herself, to remember that things weren't so bad. Sure, she'd felt loss - immense loss, as her tears had just shown her - but she'd made new friends as a result. If Auden hadn't died, Soh would never have left home, and it was her wanderings that had allowed her to meet new people - including Jude. She felt tied to him now in a way she couldn't quite explain. Of her friends, he'd seen the worst of her, and yet he remained, still trying to soothe and calm her. To her surprise and relief, Jude wasn't leaving.
She squeezed his hand again, feeling a bit more sure of herself with the help of her new friend's reassurances. Taking a deep breath, she swallowed hard and scooted - rather ungracefully - until she sat at Jude's side, where she could lean her head on his shoulder, her arm pressed to his. She was a little afraid that he'd move away, that she was doing something that was somehow wrong - but she thought of the way Jude had pulled her close and thought that if a hug could make her feel that safe and cared for, perhaps a gentle lean wouldn't be so bad.
"I guess you're right," she murmured with a sigh. "It just feels like - like I'm not supposed to be sad. I remember, at Auden's funeral, someone told me to celebrate their life rather than mourning their death." She laughed, the sound hollow and forlorn. "It sounds stupid now, but at the time, I guess I took it to heart."
Jude feels similarly. Tears and all, he has made a new friend, and considering his only other friend is his brother who has no choice, she could have rubbed her snot all over his shirt and he would have ended the day feeling like a winner. She scoots closer, and Jude goes still like a startled fawn as she lays her head on his shoulder. If he moved even a little would she stop? Think he was rejecting her? But after a few moments where she remains still, he leans into her in turn, resting his cheek on her cradled head. Their hands remain clasped over their squished together thighs, and Jude squeezes right back when he feels her do it again, like some neverending game.
"Well that's kinda dumb," he whispers, like saying something mean in a quieter tone makes it less so. "I mean - well, uh - that came out rude." His cheeks flush pink, tongue thick with embarrassment and hoping he hadn't unintentionally insulted a family friend or something. "I just mean, why can't you do both? Celebrate when you're happy, and grieve when you're sad?" Running with the idea now that he'd built up a bit of steam, Jude's free hand fell to the grass beside him, twirling a bit between his fingers without pulling it up. "Like telling me about them, and their Outlander friends. That way they're not forgotten, even if I never met them. But also crying when you're sad, because you do miss them. It's a balance." Plucking the grass now that he'd eyed it and bringing it up to his eyes enough to determine it's what he thinks it is, Jude offers it to Soh.
"Um, it's sweet grass. You can chew it, it'll make you feel better." Unless she hates sweets somehow. Oh gods, what if she does? "Anyway. I still practice my French because it was what Maman spoke, and I want to keep that going for her. But sometimes, I sleep on her side of the bed with my dad, because I miss her so much I don't even want to get up for school." He suspects it helps his dad too, even though Maeve's scent no longer lingers. Privately, Jude knows both he and Harper sometimes spray her perfume on the sheets on the particularly bad nights. "My dad lets me stay home those days. He's really good at this kinda stuff." Jude isn't sure he's as good with sharing those lessons but at least Sohalia isn't running away screaming.
Jude said that the person at Auden's funeral was kind of dumb, startling a laugh from Soh. "Yeah, it is," she agreed, snuggling closer (as if that were possible) to Jude, as if to soothe his worries that he had somehow offended her. It was nice and comfortable here at his side, and it made her feel warm and fuzzy on the inside, too. "I guess you're right. I mean, there are times when I can think of Auden and laugh at something they said or did." Like that time she'd told Tal about Auden teaching her to swim. "But then, there's times when I just - I relive those last moments."
When he offered her the sweet grass, she took it without moving away, placing the stalk gingerly in her mouth and beginning to chew. It was a mark of trust in her new friend, given that the last thing she'd put in her mouth had ended with her becoming a blithering idiot. But the sweet grass did its job, and she did find herself feeling more relaxed as she enjoyed the sweet taste. "Your dad sounds great," she said. "I think he's taught you well, actually. I never... I never really talked about all of this before, and you were right. It's nice to get it out." She was quiet for a moment. "Would you... want to tell me about your maman?"
His cheeks turn a little pink as she snuggles closer, but the close contact feels so nice that even Jude's embarrassment couldn't pry him from her side. "See? I think that's how it's supposed to be. If I died, I'd want my family to move on and be happy again, but I would understand if they had a hard time too." Seeing all the death from the war had only reinforced that for Jude. So many homes had been broken in the aftermath, and even before he'd aged up he had often ruminated on how death could cause hurt so far and wide it couldn't be outrun.
Seeing that she takes the grass readily, Jude reaches back down to pluck some for himself, chewing it readily and enjoying the sweet vanilla-noted taste it brought to his tongue. He laughs quietly and lays his cheek back on the top of her head. "Yeah, he's pretty great. Both my moms too, but my dad makes sure we talk about pretty much everything." It had led to a closeness between the two that Jude would never trade for the world. And though what he has to say about his maman has therefore already been said before, he still hesitates. But it would be unfair not to share after she had been so brave, and he finds the intimidation is not enough to keep him silent.
"My mom disappeared right after I was born. She was in a magic garden where time didn't seem to move - and my dad was left to raise me all alone for a while. But his best friend was my maman, and she was the Queen of Torchline, so she had him move in with her to help raise me." There is a clear reverence to his tone at the title because Jude could never imagine holding such a public and important position. "My mom came back, but it had been a year already and my dad and maman were together by then. It was a big mess, and my mom left to live in the Greatwood. And I remember being at Frey's shrine when I was really young, wishing I was able to talk to them, to tell them how I felt - and then suddenly, I could." It's a bit more backstory than she likely expected, but Jude doesn't know how else to lead into this story, convoluted as it is. "None of them were very happy about it. But Maman had a son before me and Dad, and he'd done it too so she had more experience with it. It was nice, so we spent a lot more time together. I mean, obviously we already lived together, but she started teaching me more of her childhood language and stuff since I could learn it better." He'd taken to it eagerly, ecstatic to share in that small, secret part of her world. Just the two of them.
"But...then my brother became an Ancient and ran away for a few seasons, and I was constantly back and forth between Torchline and the Greatwood so my mom could see me too, and I didn't have any friends." Which is horrifically embarrassing to admit now that he realizes too late that he has said it out loud, so he hurries onward. "So I spent a lot of time with my parents. She taught me to bake - she's a great baker! And we would sing songs together on the porch, and she'd let me help her with Torchline business sometimes - like paperwork and helping citizens." Looking back he hadn't been much help as a ten year old, but it had meant the world to him at the time. "And we had this secret hidden cave that my dad had taken her to when I was a baby, a really special place where we would go swimming. The ceiling was full of rocks that looked like stars..." he realizes that suddenly he is crying and feels horrified that they are surely falling onto Sohalia's hair, but he can't seem to stop. His shoulders shake slightly, and the hand that holds hers tightens desperately. "But she was so worried about my brother, and she'd been hurt real bad in the war and was having nightmares. So she stopped being Queen and went on a lot of journeys trying to find my brother. And then one day she found him, and he came home...but she didn't." Lifting his free hand, he scrubs roughly at his face, glad Sohalia can't see him from where they're sitting practically intertwined.
"And my brother moved out, and then things became so hard for my dad that I just...went to Frey again. To try and look for her on my own and make things easier for my mom and dad." And while he doesn't regret it, he'd broken his mom's heart at the same time. There was never an outcome that didn't hurt somebody, and Jude had been selfish enough to try and make that person be anybody but himself. He scrubs his eyes again. "Sorry...I guess that was more about me than about her. She is - was - really warm, and kind. Strong. She always had the prettiest perfumes to wear, and she loved Safrin so much she used to take me with her to visit as a baby. And I just...miss her. So much."
Sohalia was so young when she'd lost her parents that she could hardly remember their faces. Their loss had simply been confusing to her; she vaguely remembered wondering where they had gone, and asking when they would come back, but she didn't recall grieving - not like she did with Auden. Before Auden's death, loss had simply been something that happened to other people: sad, but ultimately unknowable.
But grief was funny, she'd found in the wake of Auden's death. Jude was right. Some days were good days, where she could think of her guardian and smile. Other days were terrible, and she simply wanted to curl up into a ball and hide from the world. And there was no way to tell which day would be which, or what kinds of things would set her off, or how long it would take her to recover. But maybe she had been putting on a brave face for too long. She felt better after having cried with Jude (albeit a bit embarrassed), just as he'd said she would. The least she could do was return the favor.
So she squeezed his hand again as he talked about his maman, and himself, and his life, and her heart went out to him for all he'd been through. She felt him begin to shake and ignored the tears in her hair, simply reaching over with her free arm to wrap it around as much of him as she could reach, hoping that she could offer him the same comfort and reassurance that he'd given her. He deserved all the comfort that she could give, and then some, and she desperately wished for the right thing to say or do that would make him feel better.
"I'm sorry," she whispered finally. "I wish I could bring her back for you." She swallowed hard, tears welling again in her own eyes as though she shared his pain. "If... if I can do anything..." But what was there that she could do? She, who had just met Jude, who had little to no experience with the world, who had nothing to offer... and even if she was worldly and well-traveled and wise, there was nothing she could do to take away his pain. "She sounds brave, and strong. I think maybe you got some of that from her."
It feels preposterous to think they are opening these wounds to one another after having known each other for less than a full day, but Jude has never found somebody as easy to talk to as Sohalia. Whether that's his rather friendless, sheltered life or a virtue of her personality doesn't matter much when compared to the comfort he takes in her presence. He's equally surprised to find that talking to her about Maeve is different. While he has never really held back much when talking about his maman with his father, it's somehow more liberating to share everything with Sohalia. A pressure that eases that he hadn't even known was living between his ribs.
It almost feels like he's going to fall apart. Every atom splitting, limbs falling - until she wraps him up in her arms and holds him close, and every cracking bit shudders and stills. Jude leans into her, breath coming shaky and raspy until he can get it back to a manageable pace. The tears on his face itch a little, but he's too reluctant to release his hold on her to wipe them away this time.
"Sorry, didn't mean to make it all 'bout me," he murmurs, tucking his face into the side of her neck. Her voice vibrates against his skin that way, and it's a comforting hum that is so different from his father's low, rumbling tones. "Thank you. I'm not really brave, but I try to be." Talking to people shouldn't require bravery in his mind, but every day he proves to himself that he must be the courageous type to overcome that queasiness each time. A good thing too considering it had led him to Sohalia. "Um...maybe if you just look out for her when you're traveling around? That's why I've been exploring. She has black hair and pale skin, and she's pretty short - and she has a dragon named Aidon."
Finally releasing one hand so he can rub at his face, he laughs weakly. "Sorry, this was kinda a weird meeting huh? But I'm glad we met." In fact today is going down in history as one of his favorite days of the year, hurt and all.
Had Sohalia known that she was being for her new friend what he had been for her, she would have been overjoyed. It did indeed seem ridiculous to bare so much of their souls to one another, but there was just something so comforting about talking to Jude. Even just sitting in silence, nearly intertwined with the young man, brought her a sense of peace that she couldn't recall having had, well, ever. She couldn't bring herself to move; she could hardly bring herself to breathe.
And then she wrapped him up in her arms just as he'd wrapped her in his, and she rubs his back as he cries, mimicking what he'd done for her. "You have nothing to apologize for," she whispered fiercely, a protectiveness she hadn't known she possessed leaping to the forefront of her mind. She may not have known him very well (although she very much wanted to), but already she was unwilling to hear him apologize for being vulnerable, or to allow him to feel that he was in any way a burden.
As Jude calmed in her arms, she nodded, her cheek rubbing against his where it was buried in her neck. "I'll keep an eye out," she promised. "And I'll listen, too. If I hear anything about someone that sounds like her, I'll send word. And if you hear anything, let me know - I'd be happy to help you look."
She laughed softly at Jude's final comment. "I suppose it was a little weird," she admitted. "But I'm glad we met, too. I don't - I've never really had a friend I could confide in like this. But we're friends now. So we don't have to be alone anymore. Right?"
It’s a sentiment he has heard before, but never with such vitriol, such certainty. Instead of wilting away from her certainty though there is only a warmth that seeps out from his core into every extremity. It feels like forgiveness, but he’s not sure what he’s forgiving himself for.
He pulls away reluctantly, and only because he wants to be able to look into her eyes. Both of their eyes are a little red and bloodshot from crying, but somehow she is prettier to him this way. Less untouchable and intimidating in her cheer and anonymity. He manages a small, grateful smile that wobbles a little with lingering emotion but is stubbornly expressive in appreciation. “Thank you. Where should I write to you? If I can that is,” he squeaks at the end, cheeks regaining a bit of color from fluster instead of the ruddy shade of spilled tears.
The fear of being too presumptuous about seeing her again was clearly misplaced. Jude beams this time, the first big smile he’d given her, and it’s clear he got it from his father with how it shines and fits perfectly on his face. “I haven’t had one either except my brother. But now we have each other.” Squeezing her hand be bonks his head lightly into hers, almost intimate in the way he rests his forehead against hers to smile privately between them. “No more being alone. Promise?” He extends a pinky towards her, grin going a little lopsided. It’s a silly, childish thing, but he thinks maybe they both have hearts that still believe in those things enough to make it a real vow.
When Jude pulled away, Soh felt a chill; she wanted nothing more than to stay tangled up in his arms forever, feeling safe and cared for and understood. It may have been chance that brought them together, but to her in that moment, it felt a great deal like fate. So she sat up a little straighter and met his bloodshot eyes with a soft smile, reaching up to wipe away the last lingering traces of her tears. "You can. I want you to," she admitted shyly, her own cheeks reddening with the admission. She thought for a moment. "Stormbreak," she said. "I think I'm going to stay there for a while."
When Jude beamed at her, she was struck by the beauty of such a simple expression, sincere and genuine and perfect, and she couldn't help her answering bright smile. Jude leaned his head against hers, and though it was an intimate moment, Soh didn't pull away. Even though her heart fluttered a little in her chest with the contact, in a way she didn't quite understand. He offered his pinky, and she shared in the soft, private smile. "Promise," she whispered, and linked her pinky with his in a vow that she would carry until the end of time.
