Eternal Sunshine

He had come to the conclusion early on a cold morning. Sam had been playing his conversations with his friends over and over again in his head. Remi would come around, they said. But something in Sam told him he wouldn't. He'd seen the way Remi had looked at him and besides, the man had a child to look after and a best friend to mourn. Sam, who to Remi was basically a stranger, was going to be a very low priority, and rightly so. He could not in good faith bother him anymore with reminders of a relationship no longer real. On the other hand, he knew if this was never resolved in one way or another, it would bother him for the rest of his life. Be yet another trauma on top of it all and something stopping him from moving forward. Something that would hold him back from ever perusing something like this again. Holding the memories hurt. Being the only one with feelings hurt. He got to the Atheneum as the sun was rising, walked to the shelf. Sam had known of the shrine here for a while; was often in the Atheneum and giving it little sideways glances. There were offerings here, but he had never needed an offering for The Voice before. Besides, he felt like she might be pleased to do what he would ask. Sam bowed his head and laced his fingers together. "Um...The Voice? Could we speak, for a moment? There is something I wish to ask." Samuel Well he's torn himself to pieces and each night he feels the itch To grab the needle, thread and scalpel. He'll gather, slice and stich And he'll build a brand new person where the current person sits Until he's nothing but a patchwork of other people's greatest hits

the Voice

With a bright glisten of electricity, the Voice appeared in an effervescent shimmer from the shrine. Youthful as always, she smiled gently at Sam, her hands folded in her holographic lap.

"Hello bright one. Has your new voice brought you all that you wanted it to?" She asked, the maternal care in her voice so at odds with the appearance she had chosen for herself.

The Voice did appear, and Sam found himself both pleased and disappointed. Still he smiled at her; an uneasy smile because of his truthfully mixed opinion of the Goddess (but that opinion was shifting to a neutral positive recently). "Hello. Yes, it has been...very freeing. To speak and be listened to without people thinking of my voice first." He told her, nodding. "Thank you." While he had had his moments of conflict about his new voice and what it meant for his identity, it had overall been a good experience. But he wasn't here to speak of that. He clasped his hands together and looked to the floor. "Um...So I came here to ask...can you...erase memories? I know Ludo can, and I assume you can. Would you be willing to erase some of mine...?" Samuel Well he's torn himself to pieces and each night he feels the itch To grab the needle, thread and scalpel. He'll gather, slice and stich And he'll build a brand new person where the current person sits Until he's nothing but a patchwork of other people's greatest hits

the Voice

"I have made you to be bright, Sam. But I understand that it is not always easy to see yourself for what and who you are. I am happy to help you see yourself as I do." She said with a maternal smile, beaming down at him.

Concern creased her youthful face as she gazed at the mop of copper hair now bowed before her. "Of course I can. But why ever would you want something like that? Memories of what?"

The Voice's kind words did make him smile genuinely. Sam had never received much motherly attention or love before, did not even know he missed it in particular, but something in the way she spoke to him warmed his heart. "Well..." He began in response to her question, looking about the Atheneum as if suddenly guilty or ashamed. "Do you remember Remi? I brought him when I asked you to first fix my voice. He...um, well, Ludo took away his memories of me. And...I don't know..I know you..." Don't value romantic love, he was about to say, but he stopped himself. Did she? "I love him, and it hurts. And he doesn't want to see me. I began to think that because he doesn't remember me...perhaps it would be easier if I didn't remember him anymore either. Maybe still know that he exists, but...let me forget us. Would you do that?" Finally he looked up, a desperate pleading in his eyes. Samuel Well he's torn himself to pieces and each night he feels the itch To grab the needle, thread and scalpel. He'll gather, slice and stich And he'll build a brand new person where the current person sits Until he's nothing but a patchwork of other people's greatest hits

the Voice

Patiently the Voice listened, her electric gaze filled with understanding. "Yes I remember. I met him when he came about the creation of your upgrade as well." She said with a nod. Her brows creased with concern as Sam mentioned that Ludo had removed the memories of Sam that Remi had created. She was not surprised of course, such was the sort of thing that Ludo liked to do. But as Sam continued, the full picture snapped into view.

Extending a finger, she lifted Sam's chin so she could see into his eyes. "I understand your pain, and I am sorry that you are feeling it Sam. I could take away your entire ability to feel this sort of romantic pain? As you have seen, love can be quite wounding. I can do for your emotions what I once did for your body. You would feel nothing at all when it comes to love. Would you like that?"

She seemed to understand his pain, which was good. Sam let his chin be tilted up, looked into her eyes...then his brows furrowed instantly at her suggestion. But he didn't argue. Not yet. For a moment he considered it...would that be for the best? Never having to face this pain again? Never having to have his heart reach out into the darkness desperately only to be spurned..? Sam could see why The Voice had suggested it, despite his initial shock. However, it did not take him long to start shaking his head. "No..I..I don't think I'd like that. It was still...wonderful, sometimes, before it hurt. Maybe if there's someone else in the future, they could be...better? Less dangerous for me? I wouldn't want to lose that choice." Samuel Well he's torn himself to pieces and each night he feels the itch To grab the needle, thread and scalpel. He'll gather, slice and stich And he'll build a brand new person where the current person sits Until he's nothing but a patchwork of other people's greatest hits

the Voice

"So you only want the good parts then? If you know love can be painful, then why do you want to lose this pain?" She asked gently.

With a sigh, she folded her hand back into her lap and crossed her legs. Her posture was very much that of a good friend, as if they were just having a quick chat, and not a god listening to the plight of one of her creations. "How do I know you won't ask the same thing of me next time something goes wrong? "

"I--" Sam began, then stopped to properly formulate his answer. He wasn't choosing to just keep the good parts, because those hurt too, he was choosing to lose all of it. To think of Remi as just another stranger in the street, to not know the joy it had been to be by his side or in his bed. The double questions forced him to really pause. "Because...I don't think relationships usually go this wrong, do they? Most people don't have Ludo taking away their memories. I don't...or...I hope this would never happen to me again. If Remi had..." He tried to shrug casually as if he had not thought of the ways for their relationship to end hundreds of times. "If he had cheated, or run away, or rejected me and that was all...I wouldn't be here. But Ludo ruined us. It's...too much." Samuel Well he's torn himself to pieces and each night he feels the itch To grab the needle, thread and scalpel. He'll gather, slice and stich And he'll build a brand new person where the current person sits Until he's nothing but a patchwork of other people's greatest hits

the Voice

"No, but relationships do hurt sometimes. Often, I think. How that comes about doesn't matter. What matters is that you seem only to want to allow certain types of pain to hurt you. If I remove your memories of this man and what you had, how will you know to avoid this sort of situation again? If you want to keep your emotions intact so that you can experience the good parts, what will you do when you experience the bad? I cannot keep fixing the parts of you that you think are wrong my bright one. "

Sighing, the Voice merely shook her head. It was clear that Sam was hurting. If she removed his memories he would not be able to regret his actions fully, even though she thought he likely would. Still, like any good parent, sometimes she had to let her children make their own mistakes.

"Are you truly sure? This is what you want?"

What The Voice said made sense, but it didn't ebb away the pain clutching at his chest. Didn't change that he was bothering Remi with his very existence, that he was making everything worse by loving him. He wasn't going to be with Remi again, he was sure. Not after the way he'd been looked at, how he'd left. How their relationship had already been going downhill. And it was hardly like he hadn't had any bad experiences to draw from. Perhaps not romantic ones, but Sam knew pain very well. Knew sadness intimately, had danced with despair and flirted with suicide. He had learnt enough. It was time to have some peace, he thought. Time to let himself off just this once, to make it easier to do the right thing and leave Remi alone by getting rid of his attachments. "I'm sure. Please." Samuel Well he's torn himself to pieces and each night he feels the itch To grab the needle, thread and scalpel. He'll gather, slice and stich And he'll build a brand new person where the current person sits Until he's nothing but a patchwork of other people's greatest hits

the Voice

"Alright then Sam. Just this once. " The Voice said. Shrugging herself off the shrine, she cupped her hands around his jaw. Electricity sizzles through his synapses, like a cool blue pulse. Searching and deleting memories of Remi, the Voice left only enough information for the ascended to perhaps recognized him on the street as well as other mundane facts.

Everything else was gone. Permanently.

"I hope this makes you happy, my bright one." She said, offering her wrist to him to feed before she would depart.

Relieved that she would do the process despite her objections, Sam closed his eyes and just for a second, before she took them, summoned the memory of the night before Ludo had put his curse into play. When Remi had held him, soft and quiet in his room, he had felt safe and warm even though he couldn't really change his temperature. He had been happy, but now it was too bittersweet to save. With a flash of blue it had all gone, and Sam didn't quite know why he was at the Shrine. "...Um, thank you." He said to The Voice, unsure what she'd done to make him happy. Still, he knew what an outstretched wrist meant, and feeding from the Shrine was something he always needed to do. Looking about just once to make sure no one was watching, he leaned forward and bit into her wrist, drinking and wondering what it would be like to bite a human. He couldn't do it, probably, he thought. Samuel Well he's torn himself to pieces and each night he feels the itch To grab the needle, thread and scalpel. He'll gather, slice and stich And he'll build a brand new person where the current person sits Until he's nothing but a patchwork of other people's greatest hits

the Voice

Sadly, the Voice stroked his hair as he drank from her. One day he would need to start fighting off his demons himself, but not today. She had not been there for Sam when he'd been forced into this. Perhaps that was why she allowed him to grow at his own speed. But the world was changing, and with it Sam would need to as well. Perhaps without this silly boy on his mind he could focus more on who he was and what it was he wanted.