responsibilities

Sohalia

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back

Soh settled happily onto the couch, feeling lighter than she had before Jude's arrival. If he believed in her, then surely she would be okay; as long as she had his support, she felt that she could do anything. It was amazing, really, that something as simple as time spent in her boyfriend's arms could calm her so completely, but there it was. Her fears and worries seemed altogether more bearable now, and she loved him all the more for his effect on her.

She was about to protest that he shouldn't be the only one having to travel - and therefore weekends would be just fine with her, thank you very much - but then he suggested moving, and a bright smile bloomed on her face. But he seemed tentative, and she laid a hand atop his where it rested on her calf. "If you want to move, then nothing would make me happier," she told him. "I would love to have you here! We could spend so much more time together, and we basically lived together this summer anyway, so we know that it wouldn't be a problem - I mean, unless you want to move into your own place, which I totally understand, I just meant that you'd be, um, very welcome here, if you wanted -"

She cut herself off, blushing slightly at the assumption that him potentially moving to Stormbreak meant him moving in. To be fair, it seemed like a reasonable assumption, but she would understand if he wanted a place that was his own. It would still be better than living in separate regions.

"Anyway, I think you should do what will make you happy. I'd love to have you here, but it's not just about me." She wasn't about to be the reason that he moved if it would make him unhappy. "As for your apprenticeship - well, you still need a place to come home to, right? I guess it's just about where you want that place to be."

Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn wide open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

There's all these secrets I can't keep
Like in my heart there's a hotel suite

Her excitement and fluster are clear, and equally endearing. Jude has always known she would prefer to have him close, but it all just felt so soon. Not in his heart of course, but in his mind. There was supposed to be a certain way to do things, a timeline, and they'd sort of skipped milestones helter-skelter along the way. Not that it ever felt rushed to him, and they were certainly happy clams, but Jude's anxieties always made him very aware of what other people might think.

Often, he only grows more confident when she is the one to stutter and stammer as if emboldened by the turning of the tables. Gently squeezing her calf, Jude smiles at her. "If I did move here, I'd want to be here with you." They've shared a singular room before, an entire apartment could more than accommodate their shared lives.

"I think it's something to consider at the very least. But aside from my parents, I don't think I'd miss anything in Torchline." Maybe Melita, but she was his only friend in that region. Frowning down at Sohalia's milky skin as she gives her input on his apprenticeship, he thinks instead of something else. "Would it...be worse if I moved here? Because of Koa? I wouldn't want to make him feel bad or rub it in his face." Though he has no idea how intense the connection had been between the two, or how badly it had ended, Jude still thinks only of protecting the other young man's feelings. "Stormbreak is a lot smaller than Torchline after all." Which means a lot more of their relationship being visible to others.

And you lived there so long
It's kinda strange, now you're gone

Jude

Sohalia

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back

What are timelines, anyway? Don't ask me. Whether they'd done things the right or wrong way, in the right or wrong order, what did it matter? They were here, together, happy in their relationship as it was. Sure, people could talk or judge, but Soh always felt strangely oblivious to such things when she was with Jude. Truth be told, she couldn't have cared that much what people think, or she wouldn't have volunteered to lead Stormbreak.

Soh could have squealed with excitement at the prospect of Jude moving in and was already halfway through making a mental list of things to do to prepare when he frowned down at her legs. Tilting her head, she listened to his newest concern and paled. "Oh, um -" she said, her mind suddenly scrambling. She still felt horribly guilty for the way things had ended between she and Koa; despite the fact that they had never been exclusive, it still felt terribly like a breakup rather than a... well, whatever it was. "I didn't think about that, but..." She bit her lip in thought. "I don't know," she admitted. "It might be awkward, for a while, anyway, but it was only two dates. Surely he'll move on."

Still, with the display she'd seen in the Tower, she thought that Koa was rather more wounded than that. "I'm torn," she admitted. "I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but at the same time... I want us to live our lives, you know?" It didn't seem fair, to live their lives around other people's desires and demons. She sighed. "If I hadn't volunteered to lead here, we could just go somewhere else. I could move to Torchline, or we could find somewhere new." She winced. "I'm sorry. I feel like I made kind of a big life decision without getting your input first."

Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn wide open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

There's all these secrets I can't keep
Like in my heart there's a hotel suite

It's clear he has taken her off guard, and for that he's truly sorry, but his anxieties won't let the matter lie. In the dark as to how much she is smoothing over and minimizing, he merely moves his hand down to squeeze her ankle and linger there, thumb rubbing over the protrusion of the bone and into the hollow near her heel. Just because he has anxieties about it all doesn't mean he needs to spread it to her, and he regrets bringing it up at all.

Comforted by the fact it was only two dates - though he's strangely not jealous at all, actually - and hoping she's right that he'll move on easily, he tries to reassure her quickly. "No, you're right. Sorry, I just - you know me." He winces, self-conscious. She's never once shown any resentment or irritation towards his anxieties, but he has enough to spare. "I just...feel bad. I really liked him." And it's clear by the way he averts his eyes that Jude is keenly aware of the fact that, by having the pleasure of being Sohalia's boyfriend, he has also taken away what could have been a potential friend. But he'd made his choice, no matter how unwittingly, and he doesn't regret the happiness they've found together.

Part of Jude selfishly wishes she hadn't chosen to lead, because living in Torchline sounds amazing. "I mean you did a little," he murmurs, because it's true. She did do all that. And more than a little - she's literally a ruler. "But I don't regret that we ended up here. Or - well - I don't yet?" Now he's the one messing up and flustered, and he groans. "I just mean I think we'll figure it all out regardless."

And you lived there so long
It's kinda strange, now you're gone

Jude

Sohalia

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back

Somehow Soh felt even worse, as though she were hiding something, and even though it was only two dates, it had felt like so much more than that. While she didn't regret her choice - she may have really liked Koa, but she loved Jude - she still felt as though she were caught between a rock and a hard place. She just couldn't see how she could have done anything any differently, and now she was stuck on whether she should say more or leave things alone. What if she made Jude feel like he wasn't enough? Or like she'd made a wrong decision? Or any number of other things that she would never wish to hurt him with? But then, they'd always been honest with one another, and while she had shared the truth with him, it wasn't the whole truth.

"No, I'm sorry -" she said, reaching up to touch her fingertips to his cheek. "I feel bad, too. Honestly... I really liked him, too, but then - well, there was never any competition between you," she said with a rueful smile. "I liked Koa, but I love you. But it didn't exactly go well, when I broke it off. He asked me to go out with him, like, exclusively, and then I had to tell him I was seeing someone else. I should have said something sooner, I just - I wasn't here, and I felt like I had to talk to him in person, and it just - didn't go as planned."

If Soh could take back anything at this moment, it would be how things had gone between her and Koa, how she'd handled the breakup (?). Maybe, if she'd just done things differently... but it was done now, and there was no turning back.

Her leadership, too, was a giant question mark in her mind, and she flushed as Jude agreed that she had made a major decision without his input. In hindsight, it was as clear as day, but at the time, it had seemed like the only thing to do. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep tears from welling in her eyes, distressed all over again at how she'd upended their lives, and for what? For a position she didn't even want? "Thank you," she whispered. "For being so understanding. For what it's worth, I think I can confidently say I won't do something like this again."

Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn wide open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

There's all these secrets I can't keep
Like in my heart there's a hotel suite

Jude apologizes because he means to leave the topic there, not somehow make Sohalia feel guilty or inclined to explain further. So he merely quietly watches her behind dark curls. Surprised, yes, but unwilling to interrupt if she needs to get it off her chest.

And she's right because Jude immediately feels worse, but he'd rather know. He may not see why she'd pick him over Koa, but he doesn't doubt the depths of her feelings for him either. It's a strange contradiction where he trusts her view of him more than himself, too blindly faithful to ever doubt her. Ironic, considering he puts no faith in the promises of any other person he knows. Someday maybe it will break his heart.

"Oh." Because what else is he supposed to say while he digests all of that? "I think...you did the best you could, if you wanted to do it in person. The timing just made it hurt worse." He tries to comfort her as best he can without letting himself imagine Koa - charming, roguish Koa - hearing the news of her rejection. His empathetic heart can't handle it, and he'd only met the man once. Luckily that empathy is also to Sohalia's benefit, because he smiles softly and leans down to press a kiss to the top of her knee. "I love you too. I'm just sorry that me - existing? confessing? - took something from him. And put you in that hard place." Because if anyone can accomplish feeling guilty for almost nothing, it's Jude.

A bit frantic when he sees her only grow more distressed at his agreement, Jude clamps his mouth shut in the hopes of stimying any further fuck ups until the moment she stops speaking. Then it's a requirement. "I'm not the type to make decisions at all, so you can make all the big ones for us." Maybe that will make her smile again. "Besides, why not make crazy life decisions now while we can blame it on being young? It's the perfect free pass."

And you lived there so long
It's kinda strange, now you're gone

Jude

Sohalia

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back

She wondered if it was the Harper in him, the need to soothe and nurture. It was something that she loved about him, but whenever he set his own anxieties aside to soothe hers, it invariably made her feel guilty. She never wanted to take advantage of that sweetness, and yet it seemed that today that was exactly what she was doing.

She wasn't sure what she hoped to accomplish by telling him about Koa, except that the weight of one secret between them was too much for her to bear, and even if she'd technically told the truth, they were more than that. Theirs was a relationship built on open communication and vulnerability; when they'd first met, she'd been more vulnerable with Jude than she'd been with anyone else in her short life, and it was perhaps the thing she valued most about their relationship.

"No, Jude -" she started, dismayed that he would find a way to feel guilty about something that she'd done. "- that's not -" Except it was true that Jude's existence had taken Soh away from Koa. "I put myself in a hard place," she told him. "It wasn't your fault." If anyone was to blame, it was Phoebe, actually; it was her advice that Soh had been following at the time.

While Soh and Jude normally traded anxiety and calm, in this particular situation, they only seemed to be feeding off one another's worries. As Soh descended once more into distress, so, too, did Jude. His attempt to make her smile succeeded, but she could tell that it was strained. As for being young, she wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "Well, if we're making crazy life decisions while we're young, it's your turn," she said with a watery chuckle. "I think I've used up my quota."

Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn wide open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

There's all these secrets I can't keep
Like in my heart there's a hotel suite

Her dismay helps him balance the scales, attempting to disconnect from his own guilt (at least until he can think over it later in private) so that she doesn’t feel so distressed. Jude doesn’t think she did anything wrong, but he can see how everyone except himself has been hurt by what happened, and it makes it too easy to feel like it’s his fault somehow. Or, at the very least, like he has escaped unfairly unscathed compared to Koa and Sohalia. It doesn’t help that he is learning all of this incredibly belatedly.

“You didn’t do anything wrong either. You just went on a few dates; people do that every day.” She couldn’t have possibly controlled Koa’s swift adoration of her (not that Jude blames him) or her own attachment. “It’s okay if you liked him more than you thought, or if it upset you. You know that, right?” He gently touches her cheek, brows furrowed with clear worry as his thumb gently begins to stroke over her skin. “I’m just sorry.” For her, for Koa, for the situation. If he was older or more eloquent maybe he could fix this faster, but all he has is his empathy and regret.

Jude pulls her closer until her thighs are more over his lap than her calves, wrapping his arms around her. “Well I can’t even imagine up anything that big that I could decide on, so I think we’re safe.” His life is plainly boring aside from her shining light. Jude can’t even imagine something that big ever seeking him out or Jude orchestrating it himself.

And you lived there so long
It's kinda strange, now you're gone

Jude

Sohalia

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back

Pulled closer, Soh wriggled until she was fully on Jude's lap, snaking an arm around his neck and pressing her face into his neck, breathing in his unique scent. There was simply nothing like being wrapped in his arms for calming her nerves, and even after the briefest of moments, she could already feel her stress melting away. Sure, there were things that they could both worry about or regret, but at the end of the day, so long as she had Jude, she knew that everything would be alright. Safe for now from big decisions - and quietly hoping that hers had not ruined anything for them - Soh sighed contentedly.

Her mind returned briefly to the idea of Jude moving in with her. Even if he was away a lot as Tal's apprentice, there was nothing that she'd like more than to have this to come home to at the end of the day. They'd had a taste of living together earlier in the summer, and Soh was eager to repeat the experience, but for real this time. Still, that was his decision to make, and she wasn't about to pressure him into anything. He could make his decision in his own time, and she'd be here for him regardless.

"Thank you for coming," she said suddenly, picking her head up from where it rested against Jude's neck to lean her forehead against his. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn wide open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

There's all these secrets I can't keep
Like in my heart there's a hotel suite

With the worst having seemingly passed, Jude helps intertwine them into an amalgamation of limbs and hair that looks like something out of a very bad anatomy drawing class. The couch is comfortable and familiar, and Sohalia even more so, which makes the prospect of moving here even more appealing to Jude. He doesn't know if it's the right choice. In his heart he feels it is, but until Sohalia came into his life Jude had never trusted that too much; too many years of seeing his father do the same and end up worse for it having imprinted into his brain from a young age that promises were never trustworthy and emotions not always enough.

But he's also young, dumb, and in love. It's a powerful mixture, one he isn't sure even trauma and logic can balance out.

Right now, they don't have to decide anything. Plenty of decisions have already been made, with regrets and confusion abound in their wake.

"I'll always come when you call," he reassures, brushing the tip of his nose against her own. "Wanna nap for a bit? You always get tired when you get emotional." It's a good thing they're so close together, because Jude's lips twist into a little teasing smirk. Whether she wants to or not, Jude knows he can convince her; pulling sideways to nestle them up against the arm rest, he rests his own head on the throw pillow there in the corner, knowing she'll follow him into dreamland the moment she gets comfortable on his chest.

- Fin <3

And you lived there so long
It's kinda strange, now you're gone

Jude