From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
It wasn't the work - though that presented challenges all its own - but her personal life that was causing her grief. She'd been back from Torchline for too long to have not told Koa that things were over, but with her shift into leadership, she'd hardly had a moment where she wasn't busy.
She re-read his note for the thousandth time, his words causing a flurry in her stomach even though she was happily in a relationship with Jude. There was just something about Koa that was so damned charming, and despite her love for Jude, and despite knowing it was the right thing to do, there was still a part of her that dreaded having to break things off with Koa. It wasn't just that he was charming and handsome and a very good kisser. No, the problem was that she cared for him, more than she wanted to admit.
With a hiss of frustration, she tossed the note onto her desk and ran a hand through her blonde hair, turning to gaze out the window and out onto the city below. She'd asked Koa to meet her here, but now that she though about it, she wished she had chosen neutral ground. Somewhere she could make an easy getaway. Maybe it made her a coward, but she was afraid of hurting him, of seeing the results of her handiwork. While she hadn't known how she felt about Jude when she'd started seeing Koa, and while she and the young Dragoon had never agreed to formally become an exclusive couple, Soh still felt guilty. Like she'd done something wrong. Like she'd led him on.
She'd tried to make her note as unromantic as was possible, but there was only so much she could do with a letter. And apparently she wasn't enough of a coward to break things off with Koa via note, so here she was, with his romantic letter, a heart that was fluttering not entirely due to nerves, and a little voice screaming 'heartbreaker' in the back of her mind.
Tarak stretched nearby, waking from a nap in the window seat of the office. It was his favorite place, and though he was normally rather unsympathetic to Soh's personal worries and woes, today he must have been feeling uncharacteristically sweet, for he jumped down from his window seat and trotted over to her, making a sound somewhere between a squawk and a meow, standing on his hind legs to be picked up. Since he was too young to fly, Soh bent to scoop him up, cradling him in her arms as she felt a surge of something akin to reassurance through the bond. "Thanks, Tarak," she whispered as she tickled his exposed belly. At least her companion seemed to believe in her.
Maybe she was overthinking things. Maybe Koa had just been toying with her. Mateo had warned her that he had a bit of a reputation. Maybe he would take things better than she thought. Maybe this wouldn't be as painful as she imagined. But somehow, she rather doubted it.
I'm the king, and you're the queen and we will stumble through heaven
Koa isn't sure he's ever been this nervous about seeing a girl before.
Scratch that: Koa knows he's never felt this nervous about seeing a girl before, and that knowledge terrifies him right down to the hairs on his balls. He's always been a flirt and a player, but when it came to real feelings? He didn't have the time, or the attention span, or the emotional intelligence, or the desire.
But this is different. Soh is different. And he really, really doesn't want to fuck this up.
So he comes to the tower impeccably dressed, his shirt sleeves buttoned and his dark jeans pressed. His thick black hair is coiffed and cologned; his top is a rich burgundy, chosen to bring out his eyes. Even Pip is well-dressed for the occasion, a bright blue ribbon tied into a bow around her fluffy neck. They're a frankly adorable picture, and it's a shame it's all about to be hopelessly dashed, but cest la vie. At least they can hold on to hope for a few minutes more.
In the hallway bend before the office, Koa stops to breathe. His jittery nerves are not going to get the best of him, he's decided, and as he rolls his shoulders he imagines the stress slipping away. "This is it, Pip," the boy murmurs to the dragon on his shoulders. "Let's make it happen, eh?"
His knock on the open door is perfunctory, and he doesn't hesitate before he enters, a great goofy grin already splayed across his handsome face. "Why, my lovely Lady Luminary, you do look radiant," Koa informs her in the most formal tone he can muster, striding toward where she stands. From behind him, a bouquet of flowers: forget-me-nots again, accompanied this time by baby's breath and a selection of other wild blooms. "It is our honor to present ourselves for your service, to serve at your pleasure and command." He bows, peering over the extended flowers with a mischievous, adoring eyes.
If there's a light at the end, it's just the sun in your eyes I know you wanna go to heaven, but you're human tonight
Soh really should have expected this, but somehow, she was still surprised when Koa arrived, perfectly coiffed, presenting a bundle of forget-me-nots and baby's breath and other wild blooms that were beautiful and, in another life, would have brightened her office immeasurably. They paled in comparison to the picture that Koa and Pip made, though: in dark jeans and a burgundy shirt, Koa cut a fine figure, and Pip was absolutely adorable with a blue ribbon tied around her fluffy neck. He was handsome, she was adorable, and it was incredibly difficult not to be swept away by it all.
Soh turned towards the door, Tarak suddenly struggling in her arms and leaping onto the desk, sending a few papers scattering off into the floor. Soh made a noise that was somewhere between a sigh of resignation and a snort of frustration before bending to grab the papers, gathering her thoughts as she did so. Even though she was about to crush Koa's soul ruin the tenuous relationship that they'd been beginning to build, she couldn't help but smile at Koa's greeting. Gods, but he really was wonderful. Did she really have to end things before they'd even really begun?
"Sorry," she said. "This is Tarak. I just found him recently in the Oerwoud, and he's still learning his manners." This last was said pointedly as she glared at her companion, who sat innocently on the desk, preening his wings, looking particularly self-satisfied.
"Anyway,, these are beautiful," she said of the flowers, accepting them carefully, trying to avoid her fingers brushing against his. If he touched her - if he kissed her - she was afraid she'd lose her nerve. "Thank you." She twirled the bouquet, admiring the various flowers. She knew she should just get things over with, but she was reluctant to start a conversation with bad news, so instead of doing the right smart thing, she peered up at him with a nervous smile. "How did you find Torchline?" she asked.
I'm the king, and you're the queen and we will stumble through heaven
All of Koa's composure goes out the window as a bundle of fur and feathers launches itself out of Soh's arms, causing a cascade of mess as papers are strewn and claws skitter on wood. He stares dumbfounded for half a second, then bursts out in a peal of laughter that's punctuated by "Ow!" as Pipsqueak, naturally, decides to join the fun, yeeting herself off of his shoulders and down to join the griffin. She presses herself low on the desktop, long tail raised and waving in greeting, head raised to take in his scent. It's a uniquely curious-but-maybe-hostile display that epitomizes the catsnake, and Koa decides to leave her to it, figuring that if she hasn't attempted outright murder yet it's probably safe.
So he turns his sunny smile back to Soh. "I think she likes him," the boy says, tilting his chin to the posturing companions. "Tarak. I haven't seen many griffins before. Didn't expect them to be so.... colorful?" He reaches to brush his fingers on hers as she takes the flowers, a little uneasy when she pulls away too fast. His hands now empty and strangely cold, he shoves them in his pockets, uncertainty dampening his eager grin. "Seems like you've been awful busy. Congratulations, by the way."
It's not quite going the way he pictured. Koa would have anticipated he'd have her in his arms by now, but there's an odd, poignant distance between them, filled with things he doesn't know. "Torchline was great, but I had to come back early." He's looking at the companions again, his hand rubbing nervously on the back of his neck. He's losing his nerve, he's losing control, and he feels like he's losing her.
So he decides to take back the narrative. Better out than in. "Soh... I'm glad you wrote me. There's something I was hoping to talk to you about." He takes a step towards her, his expression soft, uncharacteristically insecure. "I know we haven't known each other super long, but... I really missed you, when you were gone." Copper eyes look back to her face, trying to capture silver, to say the things he cannot bring to express with his lips.
If there's a light at the end, it's just the sun in your eyes I know you wanna go to heaven, but you're human tonight
Tarak, ever the ornery creature, hissed at Pip, his feathers fluffing out dramatically and his tail lashing this way and that; but after a moment, he seemed to grow more curious than hostile, and he leaned forward to sniff noses with the dragon. Soh raised a hand to pinch the bridge of her nose, resigned. She adored her small companion - he was currently no larger than a kitten - but he had a rather difficult personality at times. Still, at Koa's laughter, a wry smile pulled at the girl's lips and a small laugh spilled forth despite her discomfort. It was not, perhaps, the same carefree laugh she'd had when they first met, but it was something, and it wasn't as though she didn't have reasons to be more withdrawn.
Soh made a face. 'I haven't seen any griffins before, but Tarak is decidedly not what I expected, either," she told Koa with a smile. When she'd imagined a griffen, she'd hardly considered a parrot-like creature with a very cat-like personality. Somehow she'd imagined something more... sleek? Perhaps a falcon, or an eagle, or something similarly awe-inspiring. Still, his unique features simply made him all the more adorable in her eyes. "From what I've managed to read, he's rather unique." As though in response, the griffin turned his beak up at her, flicking his tail before turning his attention back to Pip, reaching out to bat playfully at her paws.
At his congratulations, her smile turned tired. "Thank you," she said, her voice warming in spite of herself. "It's certainly been a busy Longheat." There was so much she wanted to say, so much she wanted to share. All of her fears and insecurities bubbled to her lips, but she swallowed them down. It wasn't fair to burden Koa with them, not now.
Then he said he missed her, and something broke inside her chest. "I missed you, too," she whispered before she could stop herself, and immediately cursed herself a fool. Meeting his gaze was a similar mistake, as copper stared back at her, genuine and soft and sweet. He took a step towards her, and she stood rooted in place, unable to move away but unwilling to move closer. Gods, why did this have to be so confusing? She loved Jude - she did, really, but Koa... there was something special about him, too, and she had to try very hard not to run into his arms. End it, a voice in her head hissed. "I, um... what did you want to talk to me about?" she hedged, still avoiding her task.
I'm the king, and you're the queen and we will stumble through heaven
"So's Pip. We sure know how to pick 'em, eh?" Koa smiles wryly at the pair of odd companions, though the fondness in his voice is not for them alone. Pipsqueak has rolled her back into an arch, a posturing that could either be aggressive or an attempt to make her long body smaller. She hisses at the paw attack, scampering and slithering around Tarak with a series of trills and squeaks, trying to catch the griffin's tail, her wings precariously splayed.
If this meeting was supposed to temper Koa's affections, Soh, you're doing a terrible job. The admission that she missed him brings out the boyish smile, his handsome face softened by happy infatuation at what he sees as confirmation that they're still on the same page. "Well... Ok, so. This is new to me, and I might not get it all right, but..." He hesitates to laugh, the flush on his cheeks bringing out copper flecks in his smiling eyes. Another step forward and he reaches for her hands, wanting to capture the, to bring her close.
"The thing is, Soh... when you were gone, I couldn't stop thinking about you. And I know we don't know each other very well yet, but the way I feel about you- it's different than I've ever felt about anyone before." He's rambling a little, picking up speed, the normal flirtatious confidence giving way to anxious hope. His fingers reach to brush a lock of hair out of her face, lingering, if she'll let him, upon a pale cheek. "And I know you're busy now, being everybody's Heart, but I thought... if you'll let me, I'd like to be yours."
If there's a light at the end, it's just the sun in your eyes I know you wanna go to heaven, but you're human tonight
Tarak responded to Pip's hiss with one of his own, but as the dragon began to chase the griffin's tail, he spun to try and keep Pip in his sights. The result was that the two creatures spun in place on Soh's desk, each chasing the other in a small circle. It would have been amusing, had their humans been paying attention; as it was, Soh's silver eyes were fixed solely on Koa, the companions' antics only registering somewhere far in the back of her mind.
He came closer still, reaching for her hands, and she stared at him stupidly, her heart hammering loudly in her chest at his earnest gaze and his proximity, immediate regret bubbling in her chest that she hadn't gone first. After his greeting, what had possessed her to let this conversation continue? She just didn't want to hurt him, had hoped that maybe he hadn't felt this way about her, had thought that maybe if she just ignored the problem, it would go away. But it wasn't going away, he did feel that way about her, and she was going to hurt him.
"Koa," she whispered as he reached to brush a lock of hair from her eyes. "I - I can't -" she stammered, biting her lip as she looked away, avoiding his touch, her cheeks suddenly aflame. A few weeks ago, she would have been overjoyed for him to be here, like this, offering his heart to her. But a few weeks had made a huge difference, and now... now she just felt guilty and ashamed. There were a million reasons she could have used. She was the Heart now, and she had to focus on her work being chief among them. But when it came down to it, she couldn't stand the bitterness of the lie on her tongue. She owed him the truth. She pulled her hands from his, taking a step back as her heart broke a little inside her chest. "I - I'm seeing someone else."
I'm the king, and you're the queen and we will stumble through heaven
Ah, there it is.
It starts when she turns away from his hand, that little nagging feeling in the pit of his gut coming back with a roar. And then she pulls away entirely, and in her absence Koa is left with nothing but a howling absence as his heart empties out into his stomach and his mind screeches to a halt and all he has to give to her is a quiet, broken, "Oh."
That's all there is for a moment: just his hand hanging uselessly and the rarefied air between them, Koa blinking dumbly, his mouth gone dry. He should say more, has to say more- and really, really, what did he expect? Of course there's someone else, someone better, she's a queen after all. They made no promises, brokered no vows, exchanged little more than a handful of kisses and some whispered words beneath a starlit sky. He's done the same with countless others, and come away unscathed.
So why, this time, does it feel so different? Why does it hurt so much?
He steps back. Suddenly all Koa wants is to be gone, to be anywhere but here, because beneath the shock of pain and loss he can feel anger rising, vitriolic and hateful and protective, a shield of hot despair. "I see," he murmurs, not looking at her, his voice tight with withheld emotion. "Of course. 'course. Yup. Ok. Well."
Pipsqueak, bless her tiny pea brain, has figured out that something is wrong, and so abandons Tarak to slither over and claw her way up Koa's leg. The pain of it jolts him from his fugue state: he reaches down to scoop her up, holding her close like a child might a stuffed toy. The smile he wears is weak and mirthless, his copper gaze dampened by despair as he looks again to Soh. "I, uh, I'm gonna go. Sorry for taking up your time."
If there's a light at the end, it's just the sun in your eyes I know you wanna go to heaven, but you're human tonight
Gods, but she felt bad. This was perhaps the worst she'd ever felt in her short life, and a large part of her wished desperately that she could take it back, that she could rewind a few moments and tell him, yes, yes, of course you can be mine, and I can be yours, and we can live happily ever after. But alas, that was not to be, and she knew that no matter how much it hurt, she was doing the right thing.
She just hadn't expected it to be so hard.
A lump rose in her throat as Koa processed what she'd said. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying, hating herself for causing Koa's voice to go all tight and his smile to go all wrong. "I'm - I'm sorry, Koa, I didn't - I didn't want to hurt you," she babbled, grasping desperately for anything to say to salvage the situation. Saying 'it's not you, it's me,' seemed weak and ineffectual, and asking to stay friends seemed inappropriate, even if that was what she wanted more than anything. Tarak, belatedly realizing that there was something happening in the charged air between the two humans, sat up, cocking his head to one side in confusion.
"You're not -" she started, but bit her lip. He wasn't taking up her time, he didn't owe her an apology, this wasn't how she'd wanted this to go at all. Still, perhaps it would be better to just let him go. If their roles were reversed, she wouldn't want to stick around any longer than necessary. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," she said again.
I'm the king, and you're the queen and we will stumble through heaven
It's a little late for I'm sorry, isn't it? Koa's teeth grit together, his jaw tensing visibly as another wave of bilious unhappiness makes its way into his throat. Maybe she doesn't say the infamous line aloud, but it's hanging there between them, as sweetly malodorous as rotting fruit soaked in summer sun. It's not you, it's me-- except it is him, isn't it? Or rather, it's not him, it's someone else, and he has failed to measure up in some way he will never be able to define.
She looks so sad, and while part of him is sickly satisfied she's hurting, another wants nothing more than to reach out and sweep her up into his arms. To hold her close and tell her he'll fight, he'll do anything to prove that it's him she should have chosen. But she doesn't ask, doesn't even try, and Koa prides himself on never taking a step uninvited. And anyway, would he even have stayed if she asked him? His pride is great, and the wound to it greater.
Maybe they were always fated to end this way.
His grin is cracking bit by bit, a swift and thorough degradation that marks the fraying of his self control. I'm sorry, she says again, and he waffles between laughing and choking a sob. The thing that comes out is a little bit of both, muted, a chuckle without any lick of humor. "It's fine. Don't worry about it." He's backing away, desperate for the door, Pip squawking her discomfort at the strength of his grip. He has to get out of here, before he explodes. "Good luck with everything, Soh," he says.
And then he's gone.
If there's a light at the end, it's just the sun in your eyes I know you wanna go to heaven, but you're human tonight
As Koa backed away, Soh watched helplessly as she lost not only a potential suitor, but a friend. If only she could go back in time, stop all of this from happening... but would she? He'd given her her first date, her first kiss, and it had all been so lovely and wonderful that she would hate to have it erased from her memory. But maybe, if she'd only tried to be his friend from the beginning, she could have saved them both some heartbreak now.
It was only a moment before Koa was gone, leaving Soh standing in the middle of her office, Tarak watching her with his head cocked to one side and his tail lashing back and forth in distress. The girl made a strangled sound that was half a sob before she even realized she was crying. Whatever she had anticipated from this particular meeting, this wasn't it. To be so distraught about doing something that was so necessary... it hadn't been what she'd expected. She'd thought it might be hard on Koa, not that it might be hard on her.
But here she was, furiously wiping at the tears that had spilled from her eyes, angry at herself for having gotten herself into this position in the first place. She wished fervently that she had just ignored Phoebe's advice and sent Koa a letter or something. Doing this face to face had been a mistake.
Had it, though? Or had it been a necessary evil?
After a moment, she moved to shut the door, giving herself some time and space to think through what had happened and gather her thoughts before she went home to Jude. She leaned against the desk, staring out the window behind it. Tarak climbed onto her shoulder, eliciting a wince from his bonded as his claws dug into her arm, but she took it without complaint. She deserved it, for the pain she'd caused. And for a long time, she stood there, staring unseeing out the window, stroking the feathers beneath Tarak's chin and contemplating what all of this meant.
