Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
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Don't try to wake me up Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
It was hard for him to forgive her - if that's what it was - and she could tell that he was still hurting from her perceived betrayal. In truth, it was all confusing - should she have told him? Maybe. Was it within her rights to keep her pain to herself? Maybe. What was the right thing here? What was the right way to process one's trauma? (Maybe Caido needed a therapist.)
Her head spinning from everything, she swallowed hard. "I'm sorry," she said again, sorrow and pain evident in her grey eyes as she regarded him with regret. A part of her wanted to explain why, but she knew it was just excuses. She'd never wanted to be the kind of girl that hid behind excuses. She always wanted to own up to her mistakes. But gods was it hard to do in practice, especially when a part of her still felt justified in not saying anything.
When he asked if she was hiding anything else from him, she bit back the urge to deny hiding anything from him. It simply had never come up. But that wasn't likely to be helpful, and she was absolutely the type of person to avoid confrontation like the plague, so she simply took a moment to run through things in her mind. The only other thing that she'd kept to herself was her feelings for Koa - feelings that she hadn't even fully realized until this morning's spar. And if she mentioned that now, she knew what it was going to sound like.
But she'd promised him answers.
With a miserable sigh, Soh looked up into his face. "I know how this is going to sound, but I swear I just realized this morning," she told him. "And I don't know how to - I don't - ugh!" she cried, running a hand through her hair with agitation. "I love you so much," she told him. "And I'm so afraid I'm going to do something wrong and lose you, and I know that just sounds like an excuse, but it's true." She took a deep breath. "But I want to be honest, and I want to tell you everything, I just - I'm afraid."
Of this in particular. But she owed him honestly, so she looked him in the eye and said, "I still have feelings for Koa."
Don't believe anything you say anymore In the morn, in the morning
Jude sits in the silence that hangs after her apology, considering. It's not something he thinks can't be forgiven. She'd hurt him, yes, but she'd been going through a terrible thing herself. What use would there be in holding a grudge? Besides, he doesn't want either of them to be hurt by this. So he merely squeezes her hand and musters up a smile. "I forgive you." He doesn't quantify it or say something such as 'next time tell me' because he hopes she'll do it naturally, without it coming across as snide. He trusts that she doesn't want to hurt him, either, so it will have to be enough.
Admittedly, Jude is also expecting a denial. When it doesn't come, his stomach sinks. Jude knows he has deeply sown issues with broken promises and lies given his upbringing, and he's terrified to hear what she has to say. Except it's nothing he could have ever anticipated - again.
He drops her hand. He has to, because he has to run both his hands through his hair, pulling subtly on the roots to try and force his thoughts into place.
"I...that's so much to take in at once," he objects weakly. Gods above her nose is still fucking broken. "I promised you you'd never lose me even if we broke up. I promised." And he surely must look distraught, because promises to Jude are everything, because he doesn't believe in the promises of other people. All he's hearing is repetitive proof that she doesn't trust him, and it hurts so badly he's having difficulty focusing on just her, pushing the boundaries of his inherent selflessness. "So do you want to be with him instead? You - I mean, you said you're only monogamous." He can feel his heart cracking, and he doesn't know what to do about it, doesn't know how to stop it. "It's normal to still have feelings but we've been together for months. And I thought you only went on two dates?" Or had she hidden that, too?
Coherency has clearly gone out the window because his questions are jumbled, more a stream of consciousness than anything else. "I didn't flirt with him last time I saw him because we chose to be monogamous. I adapted that part of me because we talked about it and that's what we decided." He hadn't considered it a sacrifice because he loves her, but that's what he had done. "Have you been flirting with him? Is that why you know you still like him? You see that - that that's wrong, right?" His voice thickens and quakes, trying to be logical and communicative, mature and put-together, the way his parents always told him to be. But it's not working. And now he's seeing Koa in a different light too, and that hurts just as badly. "And Gods, look what he did to you!" One hand leaves his hair to weakly gesture towards her face. "Was it even an accident?" Was that just another thing she had seen fit to not tell him? That things were worse - or better? - than he'd thought between them?
But what if I just always dance around on your string?
Don't try to wake me up Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
Whatever she'd expected from his response, a complete breakdown somehow wasn't it. Perhaps she should have, given what she'd revealed, but this whole relationship thing is still so new to her - yes, she'd been with Jude for months, but months was such a short time in comparison to one's whole life without a partner, without even a couple to watch to form an idea of how to be. She only ever remembered being raised by Auden, alone, and they led fairly solitary lives. Perhaps she'd be a better parental figure than she was a partner - but at this rate, she was never going to find out.
What a strange thought to have during the middle of a - what was this? A fight? It sure felt like a fight.
"I know, but I -" How was she supposed to explain that everyone she'd ever loved had died? That losing people was such a deeply ingrained part of her psyche that she couldn't help but feel like he'd leave her, one way or another, and she'd be left heartbroken once more? Except that it would be so much worse, because she loved him so much more than she could remember having loved another person, like a part of her heart beat in his chest? "I'm sorry," was all she could say, and now she was crying, because she had hurt him even more, and it seemed like no matter what she tried to do, it wasn't right. "I - I can't help being afraid," she said through her tears. "You're all I have." And it was the truth. She didn't have parents. She didn't have her guardian. He was all that she had to rely on, she just didn't know how to make him see that.
But all of that seemed to pale when Koa came into the picture, for Jude devolved even more, releasing her hand to rake his own through his hair as Soh watched helplessly. "No!" she said forcefully. "I want to be with you!" And Koa, an unhelpful voice in her head whispered. She shoved it aside.
"We did only go on two dates, I promise! Then I didn't see him for weeks, and I broke things off with him as soon as I saw him, like I told you. And then I didn't see him again until - let's see - I technically saw him at the event I hosted in Torchline to announce that Abandoned would be allowed in Stormbreak soon, but we didn't even speak there, and then this morning was the first that I saw him alone," she explained, trying to dredge up every detail in an effort to reassure Jude that she hadn't hidden any infidelity. Nothing happened between us since I broke things off, I swear. There was no flirting. I would never do that to you," she told him vehemently. "Never."
She watched him, longing to take him in her arms but unsure if he'd let her, and unsure if she could handle the sting of that rejection just now. "When we talked about things before, I said I'd never thought about polyamory," she said softly. "And at the time, that was true. I hadn't thought about it, and I just wanted you. But I just - realized this morning that the feelings I had for Koa are still there, too, and I - I don't know. I never want to lose you. I don't want to be with him instead of you. And I'll always choose you. But you asked, and I don't want to hide anything from you. I don't want secrets. I just - I just want -"
What did she want? She didn't really know. She barely knew how to navigate a normal relationship, much less explore the possibility of one with three people. And she certainly didn't know if it was even possible, if it was even worth a conversation, if Koa would even entertain the notion, assuming that Jude was willing.
But that was all getting ahead of herself. Way ahead of herself.
Her hand went to her nose. "I'm pretty sure it was an accident," she said defensively. "And it's not like I didn't deserve it. I did headbutt him right before. I think he just reacted. It was just a spar. "
Don't believe anything you say anymore In the morn, in the morning
His tongue is almost too thick to speak, throat closing up and eyes burning. He wants to yell, or cry, but that's not the mature thing to do. "You're allowed to be afraid, you're not allowed to keep things from me because you think I'll leave. That's why it's called trust, and that's why it's hard." But he'd thought they had no issues there, having always been open and honest himself. He blinks hard, trying not to follow her swiftly down the path of crying, trying to be the rock that neither of them can seem to be right now.
Her words are an urgent, anxious waterfall that sweeps him up and drowns everything else out in a white haze of noise. He tries to follow along and keep his head, but he can't figure out what she wants, or where to go next with this. With them. And it's clear she doesn't know either, so what now?
"If it was only true at the time then maybe it's different now," he mutters through a thick, wet voice. "Maybe - maybe we have to reconsider it." It's hard to say 'we' and it shouldn't be, and he hates that it is. She may have reassured him that no infidelity had occurred and that she would always choose him, but all the rest has him so rattled he doesn't know which way is up. "But even if we do reconsider it, it sounds like maybe he's upset with you if your spar went so south. You having feelings for him might not matter because it might not change anything." And what then? Does Jude just wait for those feelings in her heart to die? Aware they exist but unable to do anything about them, and with the recipient of those affections equally unwilling to reciprocate?
It's as close to logical as he can manage to be, though his chest threatens to cave in on itself for how he refuses to give the emotions tangled up in there an outlet. But he doesn't need to feel things, he needs to fix them.
But what if I just always dance around on your string?
Don't try to wake me up Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
He was always the mature one, the logical one, the one who took the lead when it came to their relationship, and just once, she wished she could be the one to take the helm, to fix things, to reassure him and bring them both back down from their respective panicked heights. So for once, she took a deep breath, forcing down the feelings that she tended to wear so proudly on her sleeve, and bit the inside of her cheek until she tasted the metallic tang of blood. The sharp, sudden pain brought her a moment of clarity, and she was able to shove down her tears for later, wiping gently beneath her eyes, trying to avoid jarring her broken nose.
"I'm sorry," she said softly, reaching out to touch his arm gently. "I messed up. I don't - I'm learning how to do this, and I'll do better, I promise." It might ring hollow, given how messed up things have become between them, but she really did mean it. If anything, she'd be likely to overcorrect and share too much from here on out. But maybe that would be better. Ever since they've been a couple, it had been too much like walking on broken glass, trying to make sure she did everything right lest she mess things up. She missed her best friend, and it had felt like she had to choose between having him or having her boyfriend. Maybe she could have both, and she just hadn't realized it.
Feeling significantly worse than she had in quite some time, she bit her lip as she considered his offer. "I don't want to do anything that you don't," she said, her brow furrowed. "If you don't want to reconsider anything, then we won't. It doesn't change how I feel about you." And she was sure that she could ignore her feelings for Koa. Or ignore them. Avoidance had mostly worked, so far. Well, until he'd broken her nose. "But... you're right. I think he is upset with me. And regardless of whether we reconsider things or whether he'd even be interested, I do want to try and fix things. At least enough to be friends."
But that was another issue. For right now, she hesitated. "Jude, you - I know I hurt you. You know you're - you're allowed to be angry with me, right?" She said it in a small voice, afraid of what might come next, but fully prepared to face the consequences of her actions. Because she could tell that he was upset, and trying very hard to be logical and mature, and however much she might appreciate that, it wasn't fair that only she should get to air her feelings.
Don't believe anything you say anymore In the morn, in the morning
In some ways, the way she subsides and gathers herself together does help, even before she finds clarity in her words. Jude goes still beneath her hand, his own falling away from his hair to fall limp at his sides like a quieted wild horse, awaiting her bidding now that she has bridled him. He doesn't think it's a good reaction, a healthy one, but at least it quiets the noise in his head.
Still - he trusts, and trusts, and trusts again. Nods silently as she promises to try and be better, accepting it readily. "I'm sorry I reacted badly," he murmurs, not knowing how not to apologize for himself even when he has arguably done nothing wrong. Doesn't know how not to try and absolve her of all guilt, even if it means taking it onto himself.
Jude isn't going to say anything. Isn't planning on telling her how it all makes him feel. Right now, he just wants to figure out their next steps, and it goes something like this: talk, fix her nose, have Sohalia talk to Koa, and follow along with whatever the two of them decide after that. It's pathetic maybe, but he'll do anything to make her happy.
Until she tells him he's allowed to be upset. Staring down at his feet, Jude considers whether squashing down his own emotions is similarly dishonest in the way he had been so hurt by in her own actions. "I'm not angry," he clarifies in a tiny voice. "I'm..." he doesn't know how to word it without it all coming out in a rush. He stands there languishing in strangled silence for a few long moments. "It's hard not to...assume. The worst, that is." Even his breaths are stuttering in paroxysms of anxiety and restraint. "If you'd said this before, I would have understood. But since you waited - even if you only figured it out today - it feels like you only want to change up the rules so you can be with him." The next inhale is a tortured hiccup as he stares at the toes of their shoes on the stoop. Gods, they're still on the stoop.
"Like you're just now realizing that maybe the grass is greener, you know? And I know it's not that. Or, I think it is." Jude isn't sure he knows anything with certainty anymore actually. "And that hurts because I know he's great. I think he's great too." Maybe would have pined after him, pathetic and shy, if he had never met Sohalia. "So it's hard not to think 'of course she changed her mind'. Even when you say you love me. Even when you say you'll choose me over him." He finally lifts his eyes and gives her a tiny, pained smile. "It's just that little voice in my head that hates me taking all of this as proof and using it to say all the things that hurt the worst. Even when you say something different." And it's hard to trust her right now, but that doesn't mean he doesn't trust her at all. "It's hard not to feel like I'm just what's safe, but he's what you really want. And that that's why you're bringing it up now instead of earlier. Why you can't forget him." Even if they'd only had two dates compared to months of friendship and romance between Jude and Sohalia.
But what if I just always dance around on your string?
Don't try to wake me up Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
"Don't apologize," she whispered. "You did nothing wrong." The saddest part was that this wasn't even the first time today she'd felt this way. The thought had her reeling - maybe she wasn't the person she'd always thought she was, cheerful and friendly and giving. Maybe she really was just selfish and cowardly, hiding behind a mask of good intentions. Who did she think she was, to have feelings for two people? Was she really not content with just one? Was something wrong with her? Was she broken?
She listened in rapt silence as he explained, as his emotions tumbled out and washed over her. In some ways, it was almost a relief to have them all out on the table; if she could see them, she could fix them, or so she had to hope. But in other ways, it was devastating. She was the cause of this, of his pain and his second-guessing himself and his anxiety - and so, too, was she the cause of Koa's pain. She'd always striven to be the light in the world, but at this moment, it seemed that she brought only darkness. It was enough to shatter her into a million pieces, but she knew that right now, she couldn't give in to that sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach. Right now, she had to be strong. She had to take whatever it was that Jude had to dish out. She owed him that.
"Jude..." she whispered, longing to reach for him, to pull him into her arms where he could feel as safe and loved as he always made her feel. But she wasn't sure whether he wanted to be touched, whether he wanted to be hugged, whether he wanted to flee from her and never see her again (okay, Soh, calm down). "I won't ever change my mind about you," she said. "You're... you're the only person I can't imagine life without." And it was true. She liked Koa, and she missed what they'd had, but it was an ache that she knew would one day fade if something were to happen, or if she couldn't pursue him, or if he didn't return her affections. But Jude?
"I feel like - like you're a part of me that I never knew was missing until I found you. Remember when we met?" She gave a soft chuckle, remembering. "You got me to open up about things I never even thought about before. You always know what to say or do to make me feel safe or loved or happy. You're handsome, and you're smart, and you're kind. And honestly? I don't deserve you." She swallowed hard, forcing herself to look him in the eyes. "Maybe that's why I'm always so afraid. You are worth so much more than me. You deserve so much more than me.
"It's true that I have feelings for Koa, but Jude - I love you. And if you want to it to just be us, forever, then I will happily make that happen, because there is no future I can see for myself without you in it."
Don't believe anything you say anymore In the morn, in the morning
He merely nods mutely to her reassurance that he has done nothing wrong. It still feels that way. Should he have pushed, when they talked about polyamory? Investigated more thoroughly her feelings about the breakup with Koa? Surely he had missed something that could have prevented this heartache.
If she were to reach for him even he doesn't know how he would react. All he knows is she doesn't, and they're left standing on a shared slab of three feet of concrete at best with what feels like a ravine of space between them. Space that her words slowly help to diminish, as made clear by the way he can meet her eyes halfway through and manage to hold them. He doesn't feel too good for her, as often he feels he doesn't deserve her. It's a hilariously sad match-up, the two of them.
"That was never a requirement of mine. It still isn't," he murmurs, and slowly reaches up to take the hand she has laid on his arm back into his own. "I've never even found someone attractive other than you and Koa. It's not like I don't understand. The timing is just...bad." It forces the poly discussion into a context that too easily makes all this seem like a convoluted way of Sohalia getting what she wants without having to sacrifice or make a choice. But that is a level of cruelty Jude can't fathom putting into words, even if a cruel voice whispers it in the back of his head. "But if realizing you still have feelings is the wake-up call to re-evaluating your stance on monogamy then we start there." He tries for a smile, though his eyes are red. Dry, but clearly emotional. "Just...do some thinking? I think you need to figure out if this is like, 'the grass is greener' thoughts or something real." It's inelegantly phrased, but Jude doesn't have the mental capacity for anything else right now. "And then consider if you think polyamory is something that appeals to you. And then, well - if it is, then you talk to Koa first. It might not even be relevant if he won't agree." His smile is strained, and almost pleading, as he squeezes her hand slightly. "I just...don't wanna be involved till then. I don't want to influence you, but I also need some time myself." Time to decide whether he's ready for it if it does end up on the table, now that timing has added unwitting context to the situation.
"I'm not mad, or breaking up with you, or anything. I think I just need to be away while you figure it out and talk to him?" He doesn't mean to phrase it like a question, like he's asking her permission, but he's equally scared she won't understand why he needs the distance.
But what if I just always dance around on your string?
Don't try to wake me up Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
As she talked, he seemed to calm incrementally, and though her heart still ached and her face still hurt (her nose was still broken), she began to feel like maybe they were past the worst of the pain that she'd inadvertently caused. Like maybe they could come together and start to heal. And as he took her hand, she relaxed a little, letting out a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding.
But he wasn't done, not by a long shot, and tension began to creep slowly back into her shoulders as he continued to speak. He wasn't wrong, of course - the timing was bad, she could see that now, and though a voice in the back of her mind screamed that this wasn't fair, that he wasn't listening to her, the majority of her couldn't blame him for the questions he'd been asking. Of course he would second-guess her intentions. What had she done to reassure him otherwise?
And so when Jude suggested time apart, it was hardly a surprise, but it was still a shock. They hadn't spent any significant time apart since they'd gotten together - and, truthfully, since before then, when they were just friends. Ever since they'd met, they'd been more or less joined at the hip, and she wasn't sure she knew how to live without him anymore. And even though he said he wasn't breaking up with her, and that he wasn't mad, it still felt like a knife through the heart that he wanted to be away from her.
She wished he was Attuned so that she could open up the bond, so that he could feel what she was feeling, so that he could understand that this wasn't about wanting something other than him, that it was about wanting something in addition to him. But would that even help? Or would that just make things worse? Maybe she was just stupid and selfish, and this was the beginning of the end, and it was entirely her fault.
And, yet again, she had no one to blame but herself.
But even though she didn't understand, and even though her instinct was to hold on tighter, and even though everything in her screamed that this felt like goodbye, she nodded slowly. "O - okay," she whispered, trying and failing to hide the hurt in her eyes. "I - I can find a doctor here, then, and I'll just... stay." She reached tentatively for the bag he'd packed for her. "Where will you go?" she asked. "Can I write to you, or do you want... to not hear from me for a while?"
Don't believe anything you say anymore In the morn, in the morning
Jude hands her the bag he'd packed as if in a dream. It feels like moments ago he'd been grabbing her socks from the dresser and packing her toothbrush, and now he's asking for time apart. The self-hating part of his brain shrieks in panic, telling him he's going to ruin things by doing this. But he needs it. He can't imagine staying here right now, and nothing Sohalia can say - or even has said - can comfort him right now.
"Just home," he murmurs, feeling like he needs to leave now or he'll bend to the emotion plainly showing on her face. "With mom and dad. Not out and about." So she'll be able to visit Torchline and the Greatwood all she likes if she doesn't come straight to his door. Jude doubts he'll feel up for going outside much. Taking the strap of his own bag in hand, ignoring how it shakes, he steps sideways down the stoop's steps and further away from her. He can't even summon an embrace or a kiss goodbye. "You can write. Tell me when you've...figured out how you feel." Hopefully by then he'll know the same.
Jerking his head in a spasm of curls reminiscent of a goodbye, Jude turns on his heel and simply walks away, because he doesn't know what else to do.
But what if I just always dance around on your string?
Don't try to wake me up Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
Nothing felt real. It was as though Soh was floating in a trance, taking her bag and stepping back, away from the man she loved more than anything else in the world because her actions had ruined things. Gods, was she cursed? It seemed like she couldn't stop hurting the people she cared about - and that was something that was solely on her shoulders.
"Okay," she whispered. "Just - be safe. I love you." And as he stepped away without so much as an embrace, she let go of his hand, feeling very much like she was letting go of him. She wanted to scream, wanted to cry, wanted to beg him to stay, to take it all back and pretend like nothing had ever happened. But it was too late for that.
And then he left. Without a goodbye, without an 'I love you,' without any of the usual things, and Soh whirled on her heel and fumbled with the doorknob, suddenly desperate to be inside, where she could have a breakdown in peace. Her breaths were coming too quickly, and her heart was beating too hard, and she couldn't think past the recurring refrain of what have I done.
And when she made it into the shop, she closed the door behind her, sank to the floor, and began to sob.
-FIN-
Don't believe anything you say anymore In the morn, in the morning
