From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
Secrets I have held in my heart Are harder to hide than I thought
Unlike Sohalia, Jude doesn't seek out advice from friends. He doesn't really have any you see. So instead, like any heartbroken young man, he goes to his parents.
Harper first, if only because the rest of his stuff is at his home in Torchline. His father can tell he doesn't want advice so much as comfort however, and Jude spends the first night in the king bed with his dad, curled up like a much younger boy murmuring words into his father's chest. Unaware of the talk Harper had had with his mother, he thinks nothing of the gentle nudging to head to the Greatwood in the morning, and simply boards the boat without ruminating on it further.
So here he is, letting himself into his mother's house with his key and quietly shutting it behind him. Eyebags dark and the reds of his eyes bloodshot, Jude looks around the entryway and hopes she isn't gone. "Mom?" Plaintive and warbling, already clear he's upset.
I'm standing at the edge of the world Where do I go from here? Do I disappear?
Phoebe was working from home essentially. She didn't live far from the office she, Sohalia, and Liam had built, so she could be summoned easily. But she found it much more comfortable to work on paperwork and plans from the comfort of her own home, not the stoic office.
That was when she heard her door open. Only one other person had a key, so she knew at once it was Jude. Irritation started to rise. Took him long enough to visit, she thought. Maybe he would tell her all about living in Stormbreak and his girlfriend he was hiding. But when he called out to her, and she heard the warble in his voice, her ire melted away. "Jude?" she called back as she stood. Quickly she left her office and went to the front room where he was. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"
Secrets I have held in my heart Are harder to hide than I thought
He doesn't often know what to do with his long limbs anyway, but standing in the entryway he feels even more out of place than usual. Only once his mother has emerged from her office does he finally startle into motion, crossing the floor to immediately seek out her arms. They're of a similar height, but he wraps his arms around her waist the same way he used to do when he was much smaller, face hiding in her shoulder.
"Things are so messed up right now and I don't know what to do," his voice warbles once more, and his dark brows draw tight over it, hating that it happens. He wants to apologize for not visiting in so long, but it feels like everything has steadily gone further downhill since he found Maeve - like he'd merely been hiding in the illusion of happiness with Sohalia, unaware of the ticking clock before reality set back in.
I'm standing at the edge of the world Where do I go from here? Do I disappear?
Phoebe wrapped her arms around his shoulders, holding him tight. She had heard from Harper that their son had been having a rough season, but it wasn't until she saw and held him that she knew just how bad that it had been. But she wasn't surprised. This was Caido, and it could be a cruel place.
Carefully she coaxed him over to the couch to sit. It would be easier to talk that way, and easier to hold him if he needed it. "Tell me all about it, sweetheart. What's all gone so wrong?" she said with concern in her tone and expression.
Secrets I have held in my heart Are harder to hide than I thought
Jude lets her guide him to the couch, sinking down onto it and immediately putting his head in his hands, bony elbows digging into the tops of his thighs as he sinks his fingers into his curls - a trait inherited from his father. Where does he even begin?
"I found maman," he blurts out first, because despite how much it had changed things, it's strangely the easiest part now. "And I brought her home, but she and dad aren't together anymore and it's so hard at the house now." Now that he has started talking he can feel the holes in the dam beginning to widen and break, letting more and more through. "Then I started dating Sohalia, and everything was going great - then she became Stormbreak's leader, and I was thinking of moving there, and -" it's far from enough detail, he's sure of it, but the words stream out in a rush as his breaths come a little too fast and the sting behind his eyes develops into full tears.
"And then we had a fight and I left and found Edmund and we got attacked -" which is a lie, he's lying to his mom, but he has to. He has to lie to everyone to keep his brother safe. "And he had to kill them because they wouldn't stop and now everything's all wrong." And then he just...cries. Because he doesn't know what else to do. Pressing his palms to his eyes as his shoulders shake, practically curling into himself as he sits beside her, crushed by the weight of so much happening in such a short time.
I'm standing at the edge of the world Where do I go from here? Do I disappear?
07-25-2023, 10:21 PM (This post was last modified: 07-25-2023, 10:22 PM by Phoebe.)
PHOEBE
Some of it she knew from Harper, that Maeve had returned once Jude found her and the likelihood that he would not stay with her. The rest...well it sure sounded like a mix of normal teenager angst and Caido tragedy. But she gently rubbed his back and let him get it all out. Sometimes you just needed your mom, and this was one of those moments for Jude.
"You know you are always welcome here if things are tough with your dad." she reminded gently. She was sure things were tense in the Torchline home, and he had seemed to have forgotten his refuge in the Greatwood until now. "What did you and Sohalia fight about?" she asked, wondering about the severity of the argument. Jude was sensitive and she could see him taking something small very hard.
And as for Edmund? Well. That was Caido for you. "This is a tough world we live in." she said, kissing his head. "Edmund did what he had to do. Death is inseparable from life, as Mort and Vi are. If you are attacked, you must defend yourself. But I understand why it bothers you." she said softly.
Then he started to cry and she let him for a time in silence, sitting close as a comfort. But she didn't let him wallow too long. "Jude, everything will be alright. In these trying times we must lean on our family and faith. So long as I am here you will never be alone, and should I ever be gone, Frey will be here for you." she said. She had raised him knowing that sometimes Frey whisked her away so often so he would not worry so much if she disappeared.
Secrets I have held in my heart Are harder to hide than I thought
Part of him is grateful that she breaks down her responses in such short, digestible ways. It helps him keep things a little straighter in the crowded, loud areas of his mind. But he can't find any words to give her until she has responded to his various, rambling hysterical recounts - until she leans back slightly, away from the closeness she'd been providing. He wants to reach for her, to cling. He wants to wallow. To cry it out in her arms. But it's clear she doesn't want that for him, and he can't make her comfort him the way he wants.
"I still feel guilty," he murmurs, voice strained and thick with recently shed tears. Truly he doesn't feel guilty for helping Edmund and ensuring his safety, and he'd still rather those men had died than his brother, but he feels guilty for feeling that. Shouldn't he be more appalled? More devastated by his brother's actions, or even just the loss of life he'd witnessed? His mother will understandably assume he is guilty for those souls departing even in self-defense, and he doesn't deserve her misplaced comfort when his morality is clearly questionable, but Jude reaches for those empty words all the same. "I - I'm going to tell the Dragoons though. So other people don't get hurt." Even if it will all be a lie, and the unicorn protectors are effectively wiped out now.
As for his father, well. Jude doesn't have the mental bandwidth for that topic. But Sohalia he can speak on.
"She didn't tell me something bad that happened to her. And I understood why, but I asked if she'd hidden anything else from me - and she said she still had feelings for someone she went on a few dates with." Inhaling a wobbly breath, Jude's fingers dive into his curls, head still in his hands. It's easier to get it all out that way. "I promise I made sure to talk to her about - about whether we're monogamous or not," he ushers out almost pleadingly, wanting her to be proud of him, to know he'd tried to do all of this the right way. The way she and Harper had taught him to. "And the person she still has feelings for is someone I know. Someone I kinda liked too, but - but we were together." Or should he say are? He doesn't even know anymore. But Jude had forsaken that interest in Koa because Sohalia had wanted monogamy, and in Jude's mind, that had been the end of it.
So why hadn't it been that way for Sohalia?
"At first it was just that, but then she kept going back and forth on whether she wanted to do anything about it. But then saying she'd always choose me." Which should have been comforting, but Jude hadn't taken it that way - as he makes clear moments later. "But that's not fair to Koa. That's not what polyamory is supposed to be." Right? It's a silent question, because his mother had taught him these things and Jude needs the reassurance that he is correct. "And if that's how she felt, and she'd always choose me, then why didn't she just do that?" The moment they'd said they were monogamous? Why the belated reassurances and certainty when he'd given her the same dedication from the very start?
I'm standing at the edge of the world Where do I go from here? Do I disappear?
Phoebe brought up her hands to wipe the tears from Jude's face, gently resting them against his cheeks. "Never feel guilty for defending yourself. It is a reality in Caido. A harsh one, but one nonetheless." she said gently, but with an authority that didn't ask for questioning. He just had to believe her on this one. "That's a good idea. If there are dangerous people about then the Dragoons should know to keep a watch out." she said in praise, trying to build him back up.
As he explained the situation with Soh, she reached up and ran her fingers through his curls, not all that differently than she used to do with his father. It was complicated, as love often was, and she sighed a little, shaking her head. The poor things. "Love and affection is rarely so cut and dry as just choosing, sweetheart." she said with a small smile. "You are both young, and you are still learning and these are growing pains. What you must decide is if you wish to grow together with her or not." she said.
"You have a big heart, just like your father." she said with a smile, patting his cheek. "If you love her and wish to be with her, give Soh space to be confused. Not everyone was so well educated in the intricacies of affection as you. But give yourself space for confusion too. You don't need all the answers right off the cuff." she said, kissing his forehead.
Secrets I have held in my heart Are harder to hide than I thought
It is strangely relieving to be commanded, ordered to feel a certain way. Such is the power a parent wields, and Jude stares unblinking into his mother's face and tries to wrangle his guilt and regret into a little box in the corner of his heart. Not my fault. Not my fault. Not my fault. The lying is just protecting his brother, and it's a weight he can't divest as easily as the guilt of lost lives - but it's one he can carry more easily in comparison.
Slouching into her hold as she gently runs her fingers through his curls, Jude exhales slowly as the stress and hurt start to unfurl piece by piece from his chest, allowing him to breathe once more. Her familiar smell, the soft vibrations of her voice through their connected bodies, even the advice she shares is a shield between Jude and the world at large.
"I asked for space for myself, but I asked her to try and figure things out on her end while I was gone. I just...I'm afraid she'll say anything, or make quick decisions, to get me to come back." Not that he looks down on that reaction, but he knows how afraid Sohalia is of being alone again. How will he be able to trust that she really has done that necessary introspection? "And...what questions do I ask myself? To figure out if I want to grow with her?" Jude has never been particularly good at listening to his heart and emotions, shy and distrusting even of himself. How can he guide his own self-reflection?
I'm standing at the edge of the world Where do I go from here? Do I disappear?
Phoebe continued to stroke his hair, her heart going out to her poor boy. And as he divulged his worries, she sighed. Young love was so hard. "You must first ask yourself if you trust her. If there is no trust, there is no relationship." she said gently. It was a hard truth, because often the trust came from the mind where the love came from the heart. And severing such bonds could be emotionally destructive...but it was a hard lesson that needed to be learned.
She kissed his head and leaned her forehead against the top of it. For a time she just held him, letting him process. Questions of trust were often complicated, and if not complicated painful. "Everything will be okay, no matter how it works out." she said as a promise. He was sweet and kind and loving, he would find love again as his father had.
