From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
To kiss in cars and downtown bars Was all we needed
And when nothing seemed to dull the ache in her chest, what was Soh to do? Run to dad, of course.
She flew on silent wings to Harper's place, knowing that Jude would either be there or at his mother's in the Greatwood. The last thing she wanted was to impose when he'd specifically said he needed space, but if she could just get Harper's attention, then maybe they could talk somewhere privately. Jude had asked her to think, and she had; but she didn't know how to tell him how she felt in any way other than how she'd already done it, and she didn't know if he would believe her if she told him that he was what she wanted. Not now. Not after everything she'd said.
Soh wasn't sure how Harper was going to help - after all, he was Jude's father first - but he was the closest thing she had to a parent, and the best source of comfort she could think to seek out. So here she was, in the middle of the night, avoiding her boyfriend (?) like the plague while simultaneously trying to get Harper's attention. Right. What could possibly go wrong?
Harper? she called silently, reaching through the Attuned bond from her snowy owl form. Are you awake?
You drew stars around my scars But now I'm bleedin'
Harper is unfortunately awake, though quietly sitting on the couch staring off into space, consumed with his own thoughts. Things with Maeve are over, his recent meeting with Phoebe had gone well but the news of Flora had soured him, Jude had returned home upset and in need of comforting - and Harper had wanted to advise and educate, but he'd reluctantly turned his son toward the Greatwood instead to his mother's arms - so he is full to the gills with emotion and information with no real outlet.
Still, there is always more to give. When Sohalia's mind touches his own it startles him slightly, but he rises and sets his drink aside immediately to head to the window and open it. I'm awake. Do you want to come in or do you want to fly? he asks, and through the bond she'll feel the warmth and concern he feels. No anger or judgement.
To kiss in cars and downtown bars Was all we needed
In truth, Soh hadn't really known how she would be received. Jude was Harper's son. It was entirely possible that Harper would want nothing to do with her after she'd hurt his son, no matter how unintentionally. So her trepidation was clear through the bond as she called out to him, and his returning warmth and concern filled her with surprise and wonder. Had she been human, she would have started to cry. Thankfully, owls don't cry, and so she managed to keep a handle on her physical reaction to such unconditional love.
Can - can we fly? she asked, mental voice quivering with emotion. She wasn't sure how to say what she was thinking, so she simply let her feelings through the bond speak for her. The surety that if she shifted now, she would be a mess; the shyness and anxiety that had resulted from coming to him; the fear that she'd hurt her relationship beyond repair; the anger at herself for not being better. If it's okay? Was it still okay for her to seek comfort here? She wasn't sure anymore, but she didn't know where else to go.
You drew stars around my scars But now I'm bleedin'
If I can help one fainting robin unto his nest again I shall not live in vain
She may not be capable of crying in her current form, but Harper can sense her overwhelm all the same. It only inspires another soft ebb of understanding.
Of course we can, he reassures, and shifts then and there, black talons catching on the window sill and balancing there until she moves aside just enough for him to emerge from the house and coast out on jet-black wings.
He climbs higher until they will be at comfortable coasting height, letting the quiet of the night and the waves beneath wash away any of his own worries to make room for hers. Jude told me a little about what happened. Why don't you tell my your side? He prompts her gently, wanting her to know he has a bit of background on the issue but isn't taking anyone's sides.
bones, bones, bones, bones, bones, bones, bones, bones, bones, bones, bones, bones, bones, bones.
You've encountered the OG random event! This allows you to skip one levelling requirement with the character in this thread. (Unfortunately does not count for characters over level 10, how sad.)
07-25-2023, 10:07 PM (This post was last modified: 07-25-2023, 10:07 PM by Sohalia.)
To kiss in cars and downtown bars Was all we needed
You - you still want to listen after talking to Jude? Soh asked anxiously. How much did Jude tell him? What was she supposed to tell him? Going into detail seemed inadvisable and awkward, but she had come here to talk, so she had to say something. Honestly, she didn't think she'd get this far, and she was unprepared for the gentle flow of understanding and compassion through the bond. Now what do I do?
They climbed into the night sky, higher and higher until they could coast comfortably. This was Soh's element - at least in this form - and the midnight air was soothing to her frazzled nerves. She glided on silent wings over Torchline, admiring the view of the region at night.
We had a fight, she said finally, a deep sadness reverberating through the bond. And I think it was my fault. Where did she even start? I told him something that I think... made it sound like I wanted to be with someone else instead of him. Or that made it sound like I'd been cheating, at least emotionally. And that wasn't my intent, and I wasn't, I would never, but that's how it came across, and I don't know how to - She broke off, distressed. She'd never been good at concealing her feelings, especially not where another Attuned was involved. Her love for Jude, her dismay at having caused them to fight, her hope that they could reconcile - it was all there for Harper to feel. I don't know how to fix it.
You drew stars around my scars But now I'm bleedin'
If I can help one fainting robin unto his nest again I shall not live in vain
Of course, he reassures instead of transmitting perplexity or anything else that may make Sohalia feel out of place for having worried at all. Harper can clearly comprehend why she would be hesitant. Jude is his son, and no matter how close he and Sohalia come to be, many people perceive that blood tie to be definitive and above all other connections. She will come to find that Harper is not that way. Even as the presumed injured party, I don't assume Jude knew your exact thoughts and feelings, and he very well may have been wrong about much of what he told me. His son had been quite distressed as well, which did not often lend itself well to clarity or cohesiveness. It's important to get both sides - but also to give you space to share how you're feeling too. Something he knows with certainty she doesn't have - at least not her original parents or mentor. If he can do that for her, he will.
Harper patiently waits for her to collect her thoughts as they soar to higher altitudes that will afford them a more peaceful flight. When it does come, it's a deluge of words and feelings, and Harper can only continue to emit his own sense of calm and patience for her to feel through the bond in hopes of planting that same seed in her mind. Soh's sincerity is promising if nothing else that things can be fixed, but Harper knows with so many hands and hearts involved, he can't assure any outcomes. All he can impart is advice.
Lingering feelings for another person or prior partner does not always constitute emotional cheating, he murmurs, sticking faithfully to impartiality. But as far as I understand you had chosen to be monogamous, and while confessing your realization was honorable - and I'm proud of you for your honesty - the timing is understandably confusing on the other end. Hurtful, too, but Harper can feel the near-endless depths of guilt in Sohalia's heart, and he doesn't want to worsen it.
If you had confessed the difficulties of still having feelings and requested patience or support and that was all, it would be understandable. But to then request to act on them - or even to imply it - does make it seem like you're having doubts, or at least a strong desire to pursue a different relationship, even if presented under the guise of polyamory. And Harper is proud of the two of them for having had that talk at all, something so mature and advanced yet integral to the boundaries of their relationship, but perhaps it had only confused Sohalia more as someone who hadn't considered anything but monogamy in her life before that. In fact, the polyamory can be seen as an excuse or disingenuous, a cover-up for the interest in other pursuits. Does that make sense? He checks in, wanting to see how her understanding of things develops as they speak so he can clarify as needed.
To kiss in cars and downtown bars Was all we needed
I think - I think I've made a huge mistake, Soh admitted, her voice quiet and small, warbling in the way that voices do when one is about to cry. Even though she couldn't technically cry as an owl, that didn't stop her internal voice from breaking as she considered her situation and all she'd done and said. I know I didn't handle things well, as far as sharing my feelings went, she admitted. I thought I was doing what was right at the time. My understanding was that Jude felt like I was hiding things from him since I hadn't told him about - about being attacked. But it wasn't like I was hiding it, it just never came up, and, I mean, how do you just... bring that up in conversation?
But she was getting off track. Anyway, then he asked if I was hiding anything else, and I didn't want to lie, so... She gave a mental shrug. But the timing... I definitely understand why Jude was upset with me. I think, at the time I was just so upset that he was upset, and everything just... I feel like it all spiraled out of control. Her internal voice was still choked and weak, but at least she was managing to get everything out. She hated to burden Harper with this, but she had to admit that it was nice to get a seemingly impartial perspective. So along with all her tumultuous feelings, Harper would feel a sudden rush of affection and gratefulness.
As for polyamory... well, her recent conversations regarding it hadn't really gone well, and she was hesitant to get into all of her confusion and guilt and shame - but then, Harper was probably already aware that she was feeling those things, so what the hell? I think... I think I thought I wanted polyamory as an option without thinking about how it would affect Jude or Koa, she admitted. I know we agreed to be monogamous, but I guess I thought that the option was still there, if we were both in agreement. So I thought, being honest would maybe lead to a conversation about whether or not we wanted to reconsider. I didn't mean it to be a one-sided thing, but I know that's how it came across.
And then, since then, I've done a lot of thinking about it, and I think - I think I was wrong. I did have lingering feelings for Koa, but I think it was wrong of me to ask for or imply that I would be interested in acting on it... for a variety of reasons. One of which being that if I had to choose between the two of them, I would always choose Jude. In a truly polyamorous relationship, wouldn't that be impossible? Because everyone should be on equal ground? In this, she was looking for confirmation or a correction; she was so new to relationships, much less polyamory, and she knew there was so much she didn't know.
She'd never had an example of a healthy relationship to refer back to; her parents had died when she was too young to remember, and Auden had been aromantic and asexual, so there had only ever been friendships to view there. Sometimes it felt like she was reading a book from which every other page was missing. There's so much that I don't know, and I feel like this was such a huge mistake, and even if we can get through it - what if I keep making mistakes? What if I just keep hurting people I care about? I don't know what to do to fix this, but I miss Jude so much.
You drew stars around my scars But now I'm bleedin'
If I can help one fainting robin unto his nest again I shall not live in vain
It's a lot to hear, not only because her emotions are spilling over in the bond but because it's clear how distressed she is. There's little he can do but wait, and try to respond to things in turn. There's a fine line between honesty, and reading someone's emotional state to determine if in that moment they can actually handle the truth they're asking for. But it's wisdom that comes with time. And given how under-socialized Sohalia was for her age, and her age alone, Harper is not surprised that this is a hard-learned lesson for her.
He's proud of her for coming to the realization about polyamory on her own, and he lets it flow quietly down the bond, not usurping her own emotions. Exactly. Polyamory can develop in multiple ways - sometimes, only one person is dating two people, such as you dating Jude and Koa. In those cases, with open understanding for all parties, it would be okay for you to have what's called a primary partner - in that case, Jude. While he doesn't want to patronize her, it's clear she's on unsteady footing, and he hopes some education will help her figure things out. But if your intent was to have all three of you dating equally, then yes. You knowing you would always choose Jude is a sign that the relationship would not be fair to Koa. And she will have to do with that information what she will, because Harper has no idea the confrontation she has already had with Koa, or how Jude is feeling.
As for the rest, well. It's an almost endearingly common concern. You will make more mistakes. It's simply part of life. I still make mistakes in my romantic relationships all the time, and I'm almost twice your age. He infuses a bit of lightheartedness here, not wanting her to be stricken with anxiety over the idea that it doesn't necessarily get better. The only way to prevent it is to prioritize communication and emotional honesty. It won't always be enough - as you already experienced. But all you can do is try. All anyone can do is try. Harper included. Hurting people is inevitable, especially when we love them. All we can do is try to make amends, and never forsake our own individual growth as people, so that we might not make the same mistakes.
To kiss in cars and downtown bars Was all we needed
In some ways, Soh only felt more confused as Harper spoke of reading others' emotional states. But wouldn't it be lying? she asked. I get how maybe volunteering information would be inadvisable in certain situations, but if someone asks point blank...? Besides, who was she to judge someone else's emotional state? Sometimes she wasn't even entirely sure she knew her own, especially in moments like this.
Her feelings for Jude and Koa were complicated, that much was certain, but Harper's reassurance that she was right in her understanding of polyamory - at least in part - went a long way towards soothing her anxieties. She was still upset, of course - that wasn't going to go away so easily - but she was at least feeling that she was coming closer to some kind of decision, and the closer she was to deciding what she wanted, the closer she was to finding a way forward - hopefully with Jude still by her side.
The insistence that she would make more mistakes did little to reassure the young Heart, but she took the message with a quiet pulse of understanding. Of course she would make mistakes. Perhaps they wouldn't be this big, or this important, but they'd still be there. Perhaps it was just part of being human. I don't want to hurt the people I love, she thought woefully. But I guess, if mistakes are inevitable, then that would mean not having people to love to start with, wouldn't it? She gave a mental sigh.
Thank you, she said suddenly, a rush of affection and gratefulness pulsing through the bond. I can't tell you what it means to have you to talk to.
You drew stars around my scars But now I'm bleedin'
If I can help one fainting robin unto his nest again I shall not live in vain
It's a valid point, and he's not surprised when she points out the flaw in his argument. No, it's not lying. You would simply say that yes, you have something you've kept to yourself, but explain it's something personal or otherwise give what information you can to ensure they don't panic and overthink while they wait. In general, yes, but also something Harper knows his son would do specifically if faced with that sort of wording. Then you set a specific time to discuss it so that you're showing you won't try to weasel your way out of it or conveniently forget. Not only allowing for time to decompress but giving the other party some measure of control for follow-up.
Empathy fills the bond as her heart cries in a way he can feel more than hear. None of us want to, he murmurs understandingly, but we are also human. We make mistakes - and in being tied to others, sometimes those mistakes hurt more than just us. Harper has hurt and been hurt in such a manner for most of his life. Even the choices of the gods could hurt, as evidenced by how he and Jude had been left behind when Phoebe had been chosen to become a demigod. But yes, the alternative is isolation, and that is no way to live. He'd done it once, and he wouldn't wish that life on Sohalia.
The soft rush of love he feels from her is met with a stronger, surer form from his own side. She may have questioned whether she would be welcomed given her fight with Jude, but Harper has no such compunctions. Of course sweetheart. I will always be here for you.
To kiss in cars and downtown bars Was all we needed
That makes sense, Soh said slowly, turning over the suggestion in her mind. It still felt a bit strange to her, to admit to hiding something but not saying what it was. If she was on the receiving end of such a comment, she knew it would make her anxious and upset, even if she understood where the other person was coming from. Even if it was a situation like this, she still couldn't help but feel that honesty was the best policy. Still, maybe if she'd done what Harper suggested, if she'd been able to really think through her feelings before revealing them... well, maybe things would have turned out differently.
She was beginning to wonder if she was cut out for relationships. She'd managed to alienate both of her suitors, and she had no idea if or when they would forgive her. She was the common denominator, so it had to be her, right? If she was different, if she was better... And that feeling of not being good enough was something that Harper would feel as clearly as she did, that fear that no matter what she did, she would never be right for someone else.
And she'd never known how much she wanted to be right for someone until she'd lost them both.
Still, at least she had Harper - and in him, a father she'd never thought to have again. With an internal sniffle, she openly acknowledged their bond for perhaps the first time. I love you, Dad.
You drew stars around my scars But now I'm bleedin'
If I can help one fainting robin unto his nest again I shall not live in vain
There is little else Harper can do but leave her to her thoughts, giving her what privacy he can by not prying into the bond to measure the crest and fall of her emotions. Most of what he can provide is guidance, a few markers on the most immediate path forward to help try to keep her within the lines until she strays and stumbles once more, and the cycle will repeat again. The rest of the growing - and the rest of her choices - is her own to command.
It's hard not to react to the hurt, doubt, and grief that he can feel emanating from her. Perhaps that's why her ensuing sentiment takes him so off guard considering it seems at odds with what he's feeling from her. Stunned, it takes him a half-second to wave away the sudden static in his head and make room for the overwhelming tidal wave of humility and love that wraps like a blanket around her in immediate response.
Flying a little closer, Harper touches the tip of his longest primary feather against her own, wishing they were in forms better fit for embraces. I love you too, sweetheart. I'll always be here - no matter what you need me for. Day or night - as he has already proven.
To kiss in cars and downtown bars Was all we needed
She had no answers, not really, but having someone to talk to and advise her was a balm to her shattered soul. As they flew through the late night air, Soh felt the unwavering love and support that Harper sent through the bond and focused on that rather than her troubles, and for a moment, that was enough. It was enough to just be loved and valued, to be someone worthy of love and affection. She was so prone to blame herself for things that it was hard not to think herself unlovable just now, but Harper had, at least, soothed that worry for the young Heart.
They spent some more time flying through the air in companionable silence as Soh warred with various emotions and Harper sent comforting vibes through the bond. Eventually, Soh tired, and they returned to the place that Soh had for so long thought of as her second home. She may not have all the answers, and she may still have questions, but at least for now, she could give in to the call of sleep.
-FIN-
You drew stars around my scars But now I'm bleedin'
