{se} feels like I'm sleepwalking when you're gone

Hotaru

Somewhere my lifeline still hums and sings
In the mess of all I have thrown away

His surprise isn't unexpected given what he'd been thinking all these years, so Hotaru can only give him a small, understanding smile. "Yeah, oh." She still can't bring herself to regret it happening even with all the pain it brought her over the years.

But sometimes she does wonder if maybe things would have been different if her lovers had joined her at the shrine that day instead of Remi.

Hotaru doesn't know what else to do but stand there and hold his hand, calm and attentive, shoulders strong enough to carry his burdens after years of finding reasons to stay alive and continue on. If anyone can understand the tangled, twisted depths of his reasoning it's her. All she wonders is - how long has he been carrying this around, waiting for someone to listen?

It should be shocking. It should make her reel. But she can only tighten her hand around his, holding firmly instead of squeezing, as she gives him a pained smile. I considered asking Ludo to take my womb to bring back Atlas, she confesses, reaching out to him in the same way through the bond. Remi did not think it would be possible, and then I had the twins after, and their birth was so hard I hoped it would ruin me anyway. Though she glances away here, she doesn't bother closing the bond - she doesn't want to stop being vulnerable, but she can't look into his eyes either. I would have considered it again but by then I was sure I'd never let anyone close enough again to risk it. The hookups I had, I ensured had three measures of safety. And even then she'd still considered it.

Except -

"I understand, Sunny. Clearly I do. But if you ask, I think you should have it be temporary or otherwise consciously controlled." Shaking her head slightly, already regretting having put her hair up where it can't hide her profile, Hotaru shrugs gracelessly. {as}"You never know where life will take you next. Adoption is as valid as birth, but I don't want you to regret your decision someday in the future. Even if it's only a maybe." Tilting her face back to him, she offers a tremulous smile and squeezes his hand, wondering when she'd relaxed her grip. "I don't want to see you keep suffering. You deserve to safeguard yourself against regrets and disappointments - even from yourself." Because he may not think he'll ever heal from this, but Hotaru doesn't want to see him take that chance.

Hungry now,
I am gathering new seeds to throw wide

SUNJATA

at another place in time, you were infinitely mine
relatively alright, when berenstein was fine

The bond opens up, and to anyone else from a distance they might appear like young lovers, hand in hand, staying silent while they speak through their inherited ability, and he lets that pained smile grace her face as easily as it’s reflected in his own at his admission, brows pinching at the idea of her doing that to retrieve her companion – yet another similarity between them, that tear in ones soul, one that left you gutted and disparaged.

He squeezes her hand gently, though, at the admission, the second that she looks away from him and his gaze remains on her face, supportive and caring – because old hurts were simply just that. But he blinks in quiet surprise as her voice colors the air between them again and he exhales a slow sigh, nodding his agreement. “It’s exactly why I haven’t done anything yet.” Nor has he participated in the House of Midnight, despite without Isla’s presence, people have grown bolder in their requests.

Tugging her closer to him to wrap his arm around her in a hug, there’s nothing but understanding and sincerity in his side of the bond, like a breath of fresh air to blow away the cobwebs. “I’m trying to learn how to live without the shadow of suffering hanging over my head.” He admits, nearer to a whisper. “It has been difficult.” His voice drips with a heavier accent, heading into his Korofian tendencies with his honesties, incapable of keeping so casual with such a conversation.

at another place in time, only parallel to mine
the universe was alright, when berenstein was fine

Hotaru

Somewhere my lifeline still hums and sings
In the mess of all I have thrown away

Impossibly, she feels relieved that he chose to share this with her first. Or so she assumes. Hotaru may not have always been the one to temper him, but she has always wanted to keep him safe, to protect him from his own self-destructive hair-trigger decisions. Maybe she can help, this time. Do something more than offer an ear.

She goes willingly into his arms, tucked easily against his chest where his skin is warm with exertion and life. "If it will bring you the peace you think you need right now, you should do it. Just don't forget a failsafe, okay?" she murmurs against the fabric of his tanktop. "Just as with working in the House. Don't let it be just another way to hurt yourself, or to feel things only temporarily." Staring out past his arm to the quiet fields beyond, Hotaru quirks a tiny, rueful smile. "Trust me when I say it doesn't work. Not this late in the game." Maybe when they were younger and heartbreak was so new, so shallow, it might have dulled the pain a little. Now? Now it only digs nails into the wound, prying it open and leaving it bleeding anew.

Wrapping an arm around him, she holds him tighter to her, heedless of the way he encompasses her as he always has, and tilts her head up towards him slightly. She can't see his face this way, but it doesn't matter. The bond says it all for her; quiet pride, and faith in Sunjata so deep it's a good thing Frey isn't the jealous sort. "It has been. But you're doing it already. A little bit every day." Her hand plays across the small of his back, so small in comparison but strong and sure in defiance of it. "You can't see the horizon yet, but that's okay. I see it for you." And she will do what she can to guide him there, to see him remember what it feels like to breathe again.

Hungry now,
I am gathering new seeds to throw wide

SUNJATA

at another place in time, you were infinitely mine
relatively alright, when berenstein was fine

“I would have, if I hadn’t talked to you first.” He murmurs into the hug, crouched down enough to press his scarred cheek against the top of her hair, humming a sound that could be considered a soft laugh. As for the House, though, his amusement fades slightly as he nods. “I have also declined the offers at the House.” But to have it just in case might be a good enough option to keep his mind at ease.

Even if he wasn’t acting like his old self, or the Frey Demi that he likely should be acting like. Because aside from one tryst two years after the war, the only other person that had shared his bed was Isla. Other than that, nothing. A part of him hopes that Frey isn’t upset by it, despite a larger part telling him that they don’t care one way or another, whether he did or didn’t.

She’s warm in his embrace and he breathes in her ozone scent, relishing in it even as her side of the bond pulses with reassurance and pride, much to his surprise. And he can’t help but to let his own side pulse with sunshine warmth and appreciation, even as he hums a playful little whisper. “Even at your height?” He squeezes her closer after, as if preparing for retaliation.

at another place in time, only parallel to mine
the universe was alright, when berenstein was fine

Hotaru

Somewhere my lifeline still hums and sings
In the mess of all I have thrown away

She rolls her eyes to the heavens, though she can't see them past his chin, and he will surely feel her exasperated fondness. "I don't know when I of all people became the person to help others make good decisions, but I think it means I took a wrong turn somewhere." Or, as she often says, she's gone soft and boring. No longer the ambitious, greedy, vain, manipulative woman she'd once been. But she only misses it here and there these days, content with the power of stability instead of the flirting flash of adrenaline.

Gently rubbing his back, she hums quietly against his chest. "If ever a day comes you want to try accepting, for the right reasons, then I think you should explore that." It will likely be a positive sign of change in him if he feels the urge. "But right now...I just don't know if it's a good idea for you." She doesn't think he's ready for all it will entail; the things it will dredge up, the loneliness it could make him feel, the easy way he could backslide into objectifying himself instead of living for himself.

Of all things, however, she is not expecting disparaging sass. Her gasp is immediate and fiercely offended, and - for lack of anywhere else she can reach - she electrifies her hand and immediately pinches his ass. "How dare you! When I was being so sentimental!" She shrieks it like a war cry, writhing in his arms to try and get better leverage to punish him for his insolence.

Hungry now,
I am gathering new seeds to throw wide

SUNJATA

at another place in time, you were infinitely mine
relatively alright, when berenstein was fine

Sunjata snorts softly, certainly feeling her fondness, and settles in with a gentle sigh of understanding. “Soft, hm?” Because his father had always complained that he was soft, too, not accustomed to the hardships the world had to offer – too idealistic to fully function in a society rather than pretending it could be the ideal dreamscape he wished it could be. And as much as he hates to say or think it, perhaps his father was right. Is he functioning? Or simply just reacting to each and every single thing that came his way that when he could try and be a normal participant in life, he doesn’t know what to do?

Her hand rubs his back and he relaxes into it, knowing that she’s right. Because for the entire time before in his coping mechanisms, it had been solely to temporarily feel something, even if the only thing people wanted were the idea of him. He compartmentalized it, and done a damn good job at it back in the day. But now, there were too many feelings attached, too many that got dredged up each time he’s thought about it – which is few and far between. But the jokes on her, because loneliness is a constant these days, except for when she drifts back into his orbit. “I don’t intend on it.” He aims to reassure her, a quiet confidence lingering in the bond until he makes his jest, holding onto her tightly because he knows she’s going to react.

He expects the shriek, the squirming, the attempts to get out of his grip. What he doesn’t expect is the fucking electrified pinch to his ass, where surprise quite literally shocks through the bond toward her and he barks a laugh, keeping his arms around her as much as he can to keep her from slipping out. “I couldn’t resist!” He says through the laugh and surprise, and the slight tingle he feels along his bones. “You could’ve come back with a yes, which is surprising given you couldn’t when you’re practically a tree.” His voice lifts with the mimicry of her voice, stumbling over trying to rid himself of his accent and failing, feathers sprouting to fill out his winged shoulder tattoos, flaring with the electric buzz in the air.

at another place in time, only parallel to mine
the universe was alright, when berenstein was fine

Hotaru

Somewhere my lifeline still hums and sings
In the mess of all I have thrown away

"Hm," she murmurs back in response, because what else is there to say? Unlike Sunjata she thinks maybe her parents would still be proud of her. Their love story had been quite tangled, but they'd found each other in the end, hadn't they? If nothing else she thinks maybe they'd be happy for Ru, now that she and Sunjata are mending bridges and supporting one another after all this time. The world may not be at her feet, but she'd had it there once. It hadn't meant as much as she thought it would.

His reassurance, and the quiet confidence that fills the space beneath, would almost be enough to lull her into simply standing peacefully in his embrace. But Sunjata is a ruiner of all good moments, and Hotaru simply cannot abide by that.

"You absolutely could have resisted!" she objects, fighting down her laughter (badly) at having taken him so by surprise. As if courted out by his own, golden feathers sprout in her hair and around her ears like a gilded crown, flaring with her feigned incense in a way that's far too similar to preening. "And I don't sound like that!" The first laugh breaks through, and when her wriggling does not free her she throws all caution to the wind and goes utterly deadweight, completely collapsing in his hold to try and either slip out or surprise him enough with her full weight (though that is a laughable prospect given his strength and her petite frame) to weasel away. Or maybe just end up in a heap.

Hungry now,
I am gathering new seeds to throw wide

SUNJATA

at another place in time, you were infinitely mine
relatively alright, when berenstein was fine

There is only one day that Sunjata can think of that his father was ever proud of him – and while he truly believes that Nate’s death had destroyed him (it has,) it isn’t the day that Shaju was proud. No, that bastard was proud the day Sunjata fell into that muddy ring and came out with the blood of other kids his age all over his hands. Something as simple as this? Mending broken bridges? Wouldn’t even register on his father’s radar.

His mother, though, the gentle and beautiful soul that she was, would have loved the idea of a woman that could stand up to all of her injustices. And maybe, if she had been more similar once upon a time, Sunjata wouldn’t have to carry her blood on his hands too.

At least he does ruin the mood, but lifts his spirits in the meantime, and chuckles into the air between them, however small of a space it is with how he still tries to wrangle her like a cat trying to be bathed, he does squeak a little surprise when she suddenly drops and he scrambles – a few navy feathers loosening in his skin and falling in a little swirl of motion to land directly on her as he scoops her up like a princess, peering down at her while his feathers remain equally just as flared as her own gilded ones.

“You kind of do, though.” He flashes her that roguish and charming smirk, before it breaks into another façade of laughter. “I’m sorry I can’t drop my accent. If I could it would have been perfect!"

at another place in time, only parallel to mine
the universe was alright, when berenstein was fine

Hotaru

Somewhere my lifeline still hums and sings
In the mess of all I have thrown away

Who needs history and parents and failed expectations when they can have this instead? Childish, stupid fun - laughter and happiness in places that have been empty for so long.

She manages to take him by surprise, dropping halfway to freedom before he scrambles to catch her, jolting a squeaking laugh out of her as the world goes a bit topsy-turvy. Navy feathers land on her face and she puffs them away, sputtering and laughing. Only to gasp in further offense when he claims his horrible falsetto was an accurate rendition of her voice.

"It has nothing to do with the accent! You insufferable man!" And - thoughtless, laughing, cradled in his arms - she doesn't think twice before grabbing him by the back of the neck and pulling him down over her to kiss him. Bare shoulders erupt in shivering golden feathers, and her blanked-out mind reboots seconds later, realizing what she's done and doing absolutely nothing to fix it.

Hungry now,
I am gathering new seeds to throw wide

SUNJATA

at another place in time, you were infinitely mine
relatively alright, when berenstein was fine

It is relieving, at the very least, to not have to delve into those pasts and let them lead the forefront of his mind. Right now he can be as childish and stupid as he wants to be, with no one to tell him anything else but her who so happily plays along with him that his side of the bond seems to pour with more sunshine warmth, streams of gold, and a comfortable companionship that he can’t help but to laugh alongside her as his navy plumes start to float weightlessly to the ground after her sputtering.

Her retort has his lips parting, an “actually—” leaving him the second that she rgabs him by the back of his neck, tugging him down to meet her in a kiss that he doesn’t expect or anticipate for, and his feathers start to shift in his surprise – navy blue replacing with a paler plumage, his Pegasus wings sprouting from his back, shadowing them as they stick out awkwardly in his surprise again. But she doesn’t pull away once she realizes it, and neither does he, helpless to her whims.

No, if anything, he gains a hold of himself despite the warmth and surprise that pours through the bond like a free-flowing river, arms tightening around her as his wings come to cradle in and Sunjata presses back into the kiss.

at another place in time, only parallel to mine
the universe was alright, when berenstein was fine

Hotaru

Somewhere my lifeline still hums and sings
In the mess of all I have thrown away

Right about now she should be pulling away. Apologize for confusing him, for confusing the both of them and this friendship they're trying to foster. Maybe excuse it away as hoping to startle him so he'll drop her, or distract him and get him close so she can exact an act of better revenge. She can make it make sense.

Hotaru could talk her way out of this.

But she isn't pulling back.

And every second that she doesn't is a second she can't explain away, a further cinching of the truth around her neck like an iron collar. And it should feel stifling. Alarms should be blaring in her head, bringing her out of this bubble of fantasy. But they aren't. In fact, she can't help smiling against his mouth as she sees his pegasus wings emerge from the corners of her eyes, letting them fall peacefully shut moments later. If every wasted moment has already doomed her like Icarus reaching for the sun on fewer and fewer feathers, then she wants to languish in each stolen breath and stuttered heartbeat until the second she hits the ocean's surface.

With little leverage to speak of while cradled in his arms, she can only cup his face in her hands; thumb stroking over the edge of his scar on one side and sliding up his temple on the other like she can't sit still, can't refrain from touching him. Hotaru kisses him like they're straight out of a storybook - shielded by pale wings as if demurely hiding from prying eyes, autumn sunlight bringing out the blond in their hair, tangled together in a way that makes it clear they know each other's bodies like well-traveled roads but with the impossible shine of newness gilded across their bare shoulders.

Hungry now,
I am gathering new seeds to throw wide

SUNJATA

at another place in time, you were infinitely mine
relatively alright, when berenstein was fine

He should be pulling back too, and yet he so desperately has craved this since the last time her lips met his, when it was simply an experiment not aimed at having any other motives. This time, he does know her well enough to think it might be some elaborate plan, but the confusion starts to melt away the second that her hands continue to press along his cheeks gently, one drifting up to his temple, and his head tilts as he presses back into the kiss.

He uses his wings as that shield, like it’s perfect to keep this space between just them, a secret for them to reflect on later. It’s enough that his side of the bond continues to flood that sunshine warmth despite the paler Leafchange sun that casts over them. And given that his hands are so busy holding onto her, he doesn’t have much of a chance to let his own brush back her flyaway hair that’s fallen from the bun or run along the contours of her face. Instead, they make smooth and gentle movements where he holds her, even as his grip remains tight and protective.

He should pull away, but he deepens the kiss instead, as if he’s sun starved and she’s the sun.

at another place in time, only parallel to mine
the universe was alright, when berenstein was fine

Hotaru

Somewhere my lifeline still hums and sings
In the mess of all I have thrown away

He feels like sunshine and warm days that the touch of autumn wind against her bare skin can't hope to chase away, too wrapped up in the open communication of formless feelings to feel anything but the touch of his hands or his lips on hers. Her own is melted snow and sunlight on placid waters, calm and happy. No ulterior motives, no doubts or regrets. She won't let herself feel them right now. She'd been happy when she'd slid her hand behind his head to pull him down, and she wants to keep that joy bottled up in her chest, not overthink it for once in her life.

Still, Ru isn't expecting him to feel the same, or to deepen the kiss once it has started. Surprise flickers like sparks through the bond for all of a second before she tilts her head to accommodate him, reaching further to wrap her arms around his neck instead and press them closer together. One hand extending to brush slowly from his nape down the top of his spine, content with their arrangement but still wanting to touch him in what little ways she can.

Hungry now,
I am gathering new seeds to throw wide

SUNJATA

at another place in time, you were infinitely mine
relatively alright, when berenstein was fine

There’s an undeniable hope that blooms in his chest once more just as it had when she’d made her test. It was different then, a different pretense of making sure she could still feel things then. This time, it was wholly a reaction to their playfulness, and he’s swept up in the sensation, blindsided and melting into her and the sense of melting snow and waters, happy as he deepens the kiss with her.

Her surprise is noted and reflected with the mere flicker of amusement, wings still wrapped around them enough to keep their shared warmth in. The path her hand takes down his spine lights with smaller feathers from the Pegasus shift, and his arms tighten around her a fraction more before he has to pull away for breath, chest heaving slightly as he moves to press his forehead against hers, unable to find any words he could say, settling for the calm and happiness through the bond instead.

at another place in time, only parallel to mine
the universe was alright, when berenstein was fine