Went to sea in a sieve

THE VALKYRIE

You bring clarity when I can't see past
All the places where I made my mistakes

It’s far from a pressuring sentiment. In fact it’s one that melts her heart, expression softening. She may have plenty on her plate, sure, but knowing he is so serious about this - about them - as to share something so important to him and Frey alike is moving. “Don’t encourage me,” she murmurs, as if the lowered volume will somehow conceal the ache she feels, torn between him, Halo, and Flora in Torchline. A struggle she has nobody to share her thoughts with.

They must look strange holding one another by the waist by the pools, but there’s nobody around to witness it. It makes it even safer for him to share such a major secret. Deimos’ words ring in her head with the echoing accusations of guilt, but just as before, they don’t penetrate any deeper into her mind. Her morality has always been too blackened and biased, her loyalties too tied to her fickle, guarded heart.

“If it’s a secret, then the risk is lower.” Never zero, as they both know, but safer than the alternative. “And frankly, neither Remi nor Ronin have claim over Stormbreak anymore. They can’t forbid you from visiting.” Her shoulders tighten and her chin rises in clear stubbornness, bristling in a recognizably protective way. Remi may still be precious to her, if from a necessary distance now, but he has no need of her defense. “The war is over. You are their enemy no longer.” Maybe they know that, given how they’d remained civil at the bar’s opening.

Your love has turned me into something better
Elevate me with your love forever

THE FLOOD

// take my heart and make it feel,
take my soul and make it real

“It’s my favorite pastime.” He always loved to encourage her. It comes out as a tease, giving her a gentle squeeze despite the way their exposed skin clings to one another before the topic turns more serious, more in-depth to the truth of the matters back when he would do literally anything to keep Nate in his life. In their life.

But he delves into the secret, carefully watching her face as if realizing (and worrying) over her reaction to such news. And her words try to calm him, and in a way she succeeds, but he does offer her a small half smile, an exhale of a sigh. “I’ve always been a suspect of it, nobody’s gotten proof over it though.” So maybe she was right, in a way. That it would be fine for him to go back, that he might even be welcome despite the Ascended scars that litter his neck and his body.

“Yeah… It reminds me, one of their Dragoons has invited me to join them.” He pauses tentatively. “To help them with their peacekeeping idea. They want to expand to all of the lands to help those in need. I told him I’d think about it before I accepted anything. I wanted to talk to you about it.” He reaches up, tucking a blonde strand of rogue hair behind her ear.

'cause i was bright, yeah I was pale and blue,
starry eyed by every thought of you //

THE VALKYRIE

You bring clarity when I can't see past
All the places where I made my mistakes

"Are there any who remain - especially in power - who have those suspicions?" It's mildly rhetorical, as Hotaru highly doubts Sohalia was present for the attack, if she even lived in Stormbreak during that time. In Hotaru's eyes, that means Sunjata has nothing to hold him back. If the Heart and her band of merry toddlers are the ones in charge of allowing him to visit, she doubts any of them even know to suspect him, so why worry?

His pause has her doing the same, though any worries are stymied by the way he gently tucks her hair behind her ear, prompting her to tilt her face into his touch. It does nothing at all to hide the surprise that widens her eyes before they slide to gaze over his shoulder, temporarily unable to keep eye contact with the way her insides twist. Inhaling slowly, her hands fall to his hips as she finds the courage to look back at him. "You're that serious about this?" she asks quietly, as if anything but sand and sun could possibly hear her. About us? Enough to make her input integral to a choice that could understandably be his alone to make?

Your love has turned me into something better
Elevate me with your love forever

THE FLOOD

// take my heart and make it feel,
take my soul and make it real

Her question does make him think – the only leaders he could think of that might have an inkling might be the one she’s closest to. But whether or not Deimos cared about Stormbreak’s own dramatics or even thought to care about anything Sunjata had left to say or do, was none of his business. As far as he was concerned, the furthest away from Deimos he was, the better off he would be. “In power, I think only Deimos might have suspicions on me.” He finally decides, mulling over the thoughts before he takes her by surprise with his seriousness over their relationship.

It takes all of his focus, though, the way she looks away from him as if almost dumbfounded by the fact that he is being honest and sincere and serious. And when she looks up and over his shoulder and her hands fall to his hips, his own drift along her shoulders toward her face, letting one hand reach her cheek to stroke her jawbone gently. “I am.” He decides, not adding anything else to it until he can formulate the words to accurately describe what he needs her to believe.

“I don’t want to fall back into my old habits. And it was something I worked on with Nate before the war… I am changing and learning and I want to make sure that you are okay with the decisions I make before I make them.” Growth, right? Rather than giving into his impulses, he’s thinking about them, bouncing the ideas off, ensuring that he’s making the correct decision when he does.

He’s actually fairly proud of himself for doing it, too.

'cause i was bright, yeah I was pale and blue,
starry eyed by every thought of you //

THE VALKYRIE

You bring clarity when I can't see past
All the places where I made my mistakes

There’s a feline sort of satisfaction that emanates from the way her eyes slightly narrow, chin tilting higher, pleased that she has proven herself correct. “Precisely. And given neither he nor I can even set foot there yet, I’d say you have all the welcome in the world.” And if it’s proven he does not, Hotaru - fiercely proud and defensive of all she considers hers in a way that could compete with Jata’s own draconic possessiveness - is staunch in her belief that Sunjata could escape from anyone who sought to chain him.

It is difficult to contend with the swift influx of emotions; self-satisfaction morphing swiftly into realization that brings with it growth she never could have imagined. His hand along her jaw is steady, sure. It makes her ache inside.

“I don’t have a kinder way to ask,” she warns, though her pretty face shows every emotion plainly in a way no other soul has the pleasure of witnessing, “but you see us - together - permanently enough to consider my input?” It’s slightly louder than a whisper this time, emboldened and reassured by his own vulnerability, by the dedication he has already unwittingly shown. Hotaru hasn’t wanted to assume anything just because they were once utterly committed to each other. History can’t be relied on when it comes to making the foundations of this second chance relationship stronger. Still, her heart stubbornly quivers, melting around the edges at the idea that forever - or however long Caido gives them - might be something in their future.

Your love has turned me into something better
Elevate me with your love forever

THE FLOOD

// take my heart and make it feel,
take my soul and make it real

It’s something he hasn’t considered, with the recent realization that Stormbreak is attempting to drop the barrier of Abandoned blocking. But it’s a task incomplete so far, and perhaps she’s right in the assumption that he would be welcome – even if people didn’t approve. He supposes he’ll never know unless he tries. And to be honest, it would be nice for the most recent memory of the region to not be the time he woke from attempting and failing to get the last relic that had landed him in Stormbreak’s jail.

So he hums, nodding his agreement before he draws silent again, explaining his thought process on why he had sought out her opinion. And the question that she asks him, even if it’s a whisper (easily heard with the hEARs in his ear), surprises him far more than he’d like to let on. And suddenly, his own insides twist, as if he’s misread this entire situation, as if she didn’t view it as permanently as he was hoping it would be.

Sunjata nearly recoils with that fact, but he keeps his hands on her even if the only flicker that something’s amiss is in the way his thumb stutters as it strokes along her jaw. “I…” He wanted to seem confident in his answer, but the second that his lips part it leaves him in uncertain waters, suddenly too afraid to be going all in. “I hope to be. I want to be.” Permanent, that is. Why else would they have had those conversations about what either of them expected from this relationship if not to prove that they were in it long term? "If it isn't too soon..." He trails off with a quiet sigh, jaw tightening as he starts to withdraw in his internal struggle he fights through.

'cause i was bright, yeah I was pale and blue,
starry eyed by every thought of you //

THE VALKYRIE

You bring clarity when I can't see past
All the places where I made my mistakes

It shouldn’t be a surprise that they’re so cautious, so uncertain. Despite their shared dedication to personal growth and communication, they both feel as if the other has graced them beyond all measure by allowing love back into their hearts. It makes sense that doubt is so easy to cultivate no matter how hard they try to be transparent.

This time Ru is the one to reassure, one hand lifting from his waist to gently cup the side of his neck, thumb resting in the hollow of his collarbone. “No, it’s not too soon,” she murmurs, and allows the bond to ease open so he can feel her sincerity for himself. Once again she mourns all the wrong turns they might have prevented if they’d been able to communicate in this way from the start.

Given how transparent he has been with her, she knows he deserves the same in return. “Just as when you told me you were considering removing your ability to have children, I never want to assume how you feel about the future will change simply because I’m in it now.” It is a level of arrogance someone might expect from Hotaru otherwise, but in love? No. Hotaru has never felt worthy of something she reveres so highly as love. “And I’m still…working on my own abandonment fears.” Another admission she is reluctant to voice if only because she doesn’t want him to feel guilty for things they’ve both chosen to forgive.

And if that wasn’t plain enough for him then well - “I want you to have me for the rest of my life. In whatever way that entails.” Be that personal dedication, marriage, or some other form of devotion, Ru doesn’t care. And if she words it the way she does because she knows he might outlive her, well - she is willing to accept that future sorrow with open arms if it means decades more of having Sunjata by her side.

Your love has turned me into something better
Elevate me with your love forever

THE FLOOD

// take my heart and make it feel,
take my soul and make it real

He tries to play it off, like it’s a swift movement of retracting his hand, of pretending like he isn’t about to just grind his teeth despite the tightening of his jaw, to pretend like he might have everything all put together in the closed off Attuned bond that he keeps shielded just on the off chance he lets something slip he doesn’t intend to. But she alleviates him, even before he has a chance to gnash his teeth together, the tension taught despite how she reaches up to cup his neck, her thumb pressed into the hollow of a collarbone that sports a compass where in this direction, the northern point, points directly at her.

He can feel her sincerity through the sliver of the bond that she shares, and his thumb continues its gentle stroke even as he remains a touch wary, watchful of her face and anything that might give away the rouse. He finds nothing but honesty in her, despite everything they’d done to one another, and it loosens that taughtness fighting in his jaw.

His head ducks slightly as he listens, nodding in his understanding of what she means, managing even the small ghost of a smile to twist the edges of his lips. “It was a consideration if you weren’t here.” He admits a bit boldly. “In case I needed to fill in at the House of Midnight.” Because of course there’s been requests; given his reputation and the god he serves, there were the select few bold enough to ask despite his adamance of not being a part of the crew.

But with her here, there’s no need for him to give into those old coping mechanisms, and given their prior conversations and the possessiveness with how they hold each other, even now, it wouldn’t be a problem otherwise. “I understand.” He adds quietly to her mention of abandonment – as if Sunjata himself didn’t have the very same fears burning deep within his bones.

He loves her even more the second that she reiterates her point in a blunt manner, one that splits all the doubt away in his mind back into the worthless voids they’d crawled out of and he leans down to press his forehead to hers, eyes shutting as he exhales a quiet breath. “I’m not immortal, Ru.” He breathes it as if it were some fear that he might become that – forced to live with one of his biggest fears of losing everything and everyone he loved. “But… I want you to have me, too, however you want me.” He will do anything to try and prove to her that he isn’t going to leave, that he isn’t going to betray her, that he isn’t going to become another Thranduil.

“So yes… I want your opinions. They matter to me because they will affect you too.” Because we’re together.

'cause i was bright, yeah I was pale and blue,
starry eyed by every thought of you //

THE VALKYRIE

You bring clarity when I can't see past
All the places where I made my mistakes

She's grateful that he doesn't pull away or immediately heighten his defenses to shut her out, even if she can see them crawling their way higher. It gives her the chance to make things right, to say her piece.

Admittedly, despite how worldly she normally is, her cheeks flush slightly beneath the pink the sun has already put there when he so blatantly mentions his reasoning for considering sterilization. "And now that I am?" Sensing the hope in her own tone, she clears her throat slightly, firmly leashing that runaway thought as she slightly shakes her head. "I don't want my own desires to sway yours. That's all." Be it marriage, kids, moving - Ru does not want to see him be sacrificial for the rest of their lives, and she fears her own excitement would make it hard to see clearly, to determine whether he was (or rather, would be) sincere in his own agreement.

There is a quiet, if profound relief to know he is not immortal. A loss she doesn't have to prepare herself for. "Even if that changes," she murmurs, firm in her stance. No matter how she might pray that he never becomes immortal at all, Caido has yet to be kind to them. Sunjata's fear alone makes her dread the idea that the choice might be taken from him.

His sincerity is too much for her to bear by the end, and she leans up against him to kiss him softly, lingering there as her thumb smoothes over the northern point of his tattoo. Retreating only to smile and tilt her forehead back against his. "I think it's a good idea. Rather, I think it would be good for you." Hotaru's personal moral compass may not be well aligned with the idea of peacekeeping, but this wasn't about her. "Something to help split your time from the House of Midnight. Another cause to care about." Another chance to instill a bit more life into his veins.

Your love has turned me into something better
Elevate me with your love forever

THE FLOOD

// take my heart and make it feel,
take my soul and make it real

He does hear that little bud of hope in her voice, but it doesn’t sway his mind one way or another. In fact, he pretends as though he hasn’t heard it, even as she clears her throat and confirms to him that she doesn’t want her own opinions to change his. It’s a relief he didn’t know he needed, and despite how their foreheads are pressed together, he does give a soft little nod that she can feel, to know that he’s heard her. “I have reached a point in my life where I do want the opportunity to be a father. I got a taste of it with the twins and with Kamaria, and I was good at it. I just… Couldn’t be what the twins needed when the war ended and Safrin dug her claws into Kamaria…” A regret, but he was strong enough to know that staying with him would not be good for them.

But he visits often, is always there to celebrate their birthdays. And now, he has a chance to try again, with hopefully far less bullshit in the way of making it so he could be the exact opposite of Shaju. A good father. “But if that isn’t something you want, I understand.” Placing the ball in her court, as it were, to tell him whether or not that was something they could focus on in the future should the opportunity arise.

As for his immortality, he can understand exactly what her tone and words imply – the fact that he might not have a choice. The fact he should have said I’m not immortal… Yet. Because it was very likely it could be possible, probable even, even if it were something he didn’t want with every ounce of his being.

Her lips are a gentle distraction away from that particular rabbit hole. And Sunjata presses into the kiss gently before she withdraws, simply enjoying the closeness and openness (if not feeling a little bit awkward about his overreaction). “I thought so, too. But it might call me away occasionally.” Which wouldn’t be that different from her duties back in Halo nor his duties to Frey, anyway. They could manage. They would manage it.

'cause i was bright, yeah I was pale and blue,
starry eyed by every thought of you //

THE VALKYRIE

You bring clarity when I can't see past
All the places where I made my mistakes

Even if now may not be the time for them to be making these sorts of decisions, hearing Sunjata's opinion so plainly helps Hotaru know where they stand better than she might have expected. Admittedly even she isn't sure how she feels, or if it would be fair to Flora to decide without her input. So when he puts the ball in her court, she makes her own stance clear, even if this wasn't a conversation she expected to have while harvesting cactus spines in the desert on a random day. "It feels selfish to want to try again," she admits quietly. "I always seem to live when they do not, and it feels like they pay the price for my hope." And while she won't say it aloud, he knows already that she often feels cursed. But Flora is alive, and isn't that proof that maybe something has changed? "But the war is over. The refuge exists. I would want to try again, in time." Time only because they need to have fewer moments like these, uncertain and questioning, if they are to be good parents as a team.

Not at all bothered by the soft prick of embarrassment she can feel from him, Ru smiles and moves her hand to the back of his neck, threading her fingers into the hair at his nape. "Then we'll work around it. Long-distance communication devices, or more frequent visits, whatever it takes." And if the thought of moving has been on the tip of her tongue for weeks now, she doesn't mention it. "I fully support you doing it." Because bluntness has clearly worked so far, so maybe it's best to employ it again.

Your love has turned me into something better
Elevate me with your love forever

THE FLOOD

// take my heart and make it feel,
take my soul and make it real

It’s early on – and it isn’t like he’s intending on becoming a father within a year from now, but he feels as though it’s important given the majority of their issues to at least have this conversation. After all, he’d already made a promise like that and broken it when he’d had Kamaria with Safrin – despite the underlying circumstances, despite the fact that yet again he was being used. It’s something he’s finally begun to learn from.

A low rumble of a sound leaves his throat, hearing her admission and understanding it completely. But he doesn’t add to it, knowing that she isn’t finished yet, because he knows her struggles with it. He’s been there to help her grieve through part of it. The first when she’d mentioned Ru’in and what had occurred, the second being when he’d shared the news of Nate at precisely the same time she had Enzo to mourn.

But the war was over and Sunjata had made a safe haven, a place where people could withstand anything that came their way. And while he hopes there’s no need to use it again, the fact it exists is squarely because he made it so. And it helps the relief he feels in her agreement to want to try again in time. “We have time.” He assures her, his hand lifting from her jaw to run through her golden hair, aflame with the desert sun.

As for the Dragoons and Koa’s offer, his head lifts slightly to press his lips to her forehead. “You know, I have these cuffs that Frey gave me that would transport people to the Hollowed Grounds Ascended room. Perhaps I can see if they can be changed to transport to the House of Midnight instead.” He isn’t sure how it would work, given it typically worked with two being bound together to be instantly transported, but maybe a smaller option that made it where they could just appear wherever the other was.

Though likely not a good idea if he were to suddenly appear in Halo, on second thought. “I will speak with Koa. In the meantime, while we figure out ways to visit or communicate more frequently, our letters will just have to do.” He doesn’t ask her to try and convince Deimos to allow him into Halo. He already knows the answer to that. But it does pain him to know that if she were to choose him entirely, it would be with the potential of having to leave her precious mountains behind.

'cause i was bright, yeah I was pale and blue,
starry eyed by every thought of you //

THE VALKYRIE

You bring clarity when I can't see past
All the places where I made my mistakes

If Hotaru could love him any more, the fact that the Refuge exists because of him would be the only reason she could envision it. Anyone could have gone through the effort of establishing it, but nobody else had tried except him. Perhaps it's just her animal hindbrain purring with pleasure over her mate having proven himself to be a provider. It makes her cheeks darken, but luckily Sunjata is only privy to the feelings instead of the thoughts themselves with the half-open bond between them.

That pleasure burns brighter as the quiet rumble of his voice meets the gentle, familiar way his fingers card through her hair, making her hum and smile as her eyes fall closed. "We do. We have time." More of it than she ever thought she'd have with him again.

"That would be a good way to repurpose them, if it could be done," she agrees warmly, not at all opposed to at least asking. Even if the glow of her happiness dwindles slightly to be reminded of their letters, which in her mind would always be poor, insufficient replacements for his company. "For now," she murmurs, and doesn't let herself linger on alternatives, or how appealing they may seem.

Your love has turned me into something better
Elevate me with your love forever

THE FLOOD

// take my heart and make it feel,
take my soul and make it real

He often surprises himself with the things he can manage when forced into having to take a side or choose when he’s unable to. But Sunjata’s always fought for the underdog, always tried to make sure things ended up fair even if that were an impossibility in life – especially here in Caido. So regardless, the half open bond thrums with appreciation as he runs his calloused fingers through her hair, as he appreciates her attention and agreement, the shining love he can feel underlining the current of such tender and almost shy anxieties.

The agreement of time is gentle and one he noses his way down to catch her lips in another kiss, a slightly longer one before he pulls away a bit more fully – needing at least a small amount of air between them in the hot arid desert. He’ll have to think longer on whether or not he can repurpose the cuffs to better suit them, but today he has her at his side and they have the spines they’ve come for, and suddenly Sunjata cares very little about trying to find something edible for the House of Midnight in this dry climate.

“Do we want to head back? I’m sure I could just grab a deer or two back in King’s End that should suffice for the kitchen.” He asks softly, still surprisingly clingy as he keeps his hands on her, pulled back enough to let his steel gaze scan her face.

'cause i was bright, yeah I was pale and blue,
starry eyed by every thought of you //