From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
He comes to her, as he said he would. The key he has still works. He’s not sure why he thought it wouldn’t. It feels presumptuous to let himself in, but he’s not certain if Sohalia is waiting inside or still working; between letter delays and skyboat flying, timing a meet up isn’t always easy.
He knows he doesn’t look great. His hair has grown past his normal length, any color in his already pale skin has drained away, and the bags beneath his eyes are dark and puffy as if highlighting the faint redness of the whites of his eyes just above.
He already feels terrible for how long he was away, even if it wasn’t intentional, but he’d heard about the attack on the Observatory nearly the second he stepped foot on Stormbreak’s soil - so now he feels even worse. His presence wouldn’t have changed anything, and he knows that, but for the very first time he feels truly jealous of Koa. Jealous of his rank, his attitude, his physical prowess. He’d been there with Sohalia on the frontlines, and Jude wouldn’t have been of any use even if he’d been there.
So needless to say he’s a bit of an emotional basket case.
She’s waiting for him in the living room.
He stands in the entryway and simply takes her in for a long moment. He has missed her so much - but he isn’t sure in what way. His mother’s question still rings in his head, but he’s no closer to answer than the day she’d asked it. He doesn’t know if he can trust her - not as a partner. But he’s a young, stupid boy. One who misses his best friend as much as his girlfriend. One who has been through the freaking ringer in the past few weeks. So he silently opens his arms, asking for a hug, even if he knows they should talk first.
Would you hold me when we crash? Or would you let me go?
09-21-2023, 04:20 AM (This post was last modified: 09-21-2023, 05:43 AM by Sohalia.)
So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
If we're being honest, Jude wasn't the only one unsure of what they wanted or where they stood. He'd been away for a long time, and things were even more confusing now than when he'd left. She loved him still, of that she was certain - but was it as her best friend, or as her boyfriend? It was hard to say.
She spent as much time as she could at home, not sure exactly when Jude would arrive and not wanting him to come home to an empty house, unsure if he wouldn't just turn around and leave if she wasn't there to answer the door. Or would he let himself in? She wasn't sure what the protocol was for this, and if she were to place a bet, she'd bet that Jude didn't either.
She was in the living room when he arrived, curled up in her favorite chair and gazing, unseeing, into the fire in the hearth. She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn't hear the bell chime from downstairs, and it was only Tarak's welcoming screech that stirred her from thought.
And then she saw him.
She was out of the chair in a flash, for a moment simply standing and staring. Time had been unkind to both of them, it seemed: Jude's hair was longer than it used to be, and he had bags under his eyes that had never been there before. Soh was scarred from her fight with the giant moth; the sweater that she wore didn't quite hide the burn mark that had seared her right side from hip to shoulder, a few errant flames leaving marks up the right side of her neck. It would be easily visible, with her hair piled messily in a bun atop her head, exposing the once-smooth skin to Jude's sight.
Then he opened his arms, and for a moment, all was forgiven.
And she rushed across the room to fling her arms around him.
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore
He hugs her tight and tries to close his eyes even tighter, as if he might burn away the sight of the scar crawling up the side of her neck. She’s warm in his arms, heated by the fire and the protection of being indoors. This, at least, is familiar. They fit the same way they always did. It might not be the right thing to do, but Jude is immediately grateful they both gave in.
His exhale shakes, and he settles his forehead on her shoulder, trying to get ahold of himself. Jude has never been particularly good at hiding or controlling his feelings and now he’s being put to the ultimate test.
Pulling away is painful, but his parents’ words ring ceaselessly in his head. They have to do this right. They can’t make the same mistakes.
“Can we sit?” It’s barely a murmur, but he feels the need to ask where once he would have simply steered them to the couch. When they make it there, he sits beside her, hands clasped tight enough in his lap that his knuckles are pale. Whether to keep himself together or hold back from grabbing her hand he isn’t sure, but it accomplishes both. “I found my brother,” he starts abruptly, aware of the deja vu this might cause, the similar far-eyed reaction he’d had to finding his Maman present once again. This next part he has mulled over for days. Should he lie, as he had to Koa? The smallest lie for someone as uninvolved in the massacre as Jude, yes, but still a lie. The thing he’d needed time away from Sohalia for.
He trusts her. But she’s the Heart. Can he really assume she’d choose to keep his secret when it’s her duty to be judicious and fair? When it would involve lying to Koa not only as a friend, but as a Dragoon?
Jude doesn’t think she would choose him and his family over Koa. Not when her indecision had been the reason for their break.
So he lies.
“But we were attacked in the Oerwoud and - and I prayed, but it wasn’t much use, and Edmund he - he had to protect us.” Because regardless of the truth and whether Jude is comfortable with his brother’s motives or not, Jude will defend his brother to his dying breath. He will not smear his name. “He had to shift. And they wouldn’t stop. They wouldn’t run. So he had to kill them.” Jude’s hands blanch further, shaking in his lap as his voice follows suit. “And I had to watch.” Silent, vapid tears drip down his cheeks, but he can’t stop here. He has to get it all out before she interjects. And part of him bitterly wants to prove that where she had hidden away something so traumatic, Jude would force his ribcage open to show her every gory detail.
“But I couldn’t just leave them there so I - I reported it to Koa. And between that and getting my brother home…it was so long.” Turning slightly, he grimaces through his tear stained expression. “I’m sorry. But I had to.” It’s his family. He couldn’t just walk away.
Would you hold me when we crash? Or would you let me go?
09-21-2023, 04:58 AM (This post was last modified: 09-21-2023, 05:44 AM by Sohalia.)
So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
For a moment - just a moment - everything was right with her world. It was so easy to close her eyes and pretend that this was just another minute in their lives, that she'd never hurt him, that he'd never left, that this was their first Deepfrost together and they'd just come in from decorating for Longnight, or some such thing -
But then reality came crashing down, and she reluctantly let him go, and she was back to watching him silently, unsure what to say or where to start. When he asked if they could sit, a momentary flash of hurt crossed her face - that he would ask to do something so simple, something that she had once taken so much for granted... well, it stung, and there was no denying that. But she schooled her expression, trying to stay calm, nonjudgmental.
"Of course," she said smoothly, feeling rather more like herself as the Heart than like herself as Sohalia. "Can I get you anything? I have chamomile tea, or some cranberry juice, or...?" She trailed off. What did it say that she kept his favorites even now, after all this time, on the off chance that he came home? Never mind that she poured the cranberry juice down the drain every time it went bad, since she didn't drink it herself.
When she'd gotten him whatever he wanted - or, if he preferred, nothing at all - she settled with him on the couch, sitting close to him but not touching him, twisted sideways to face him on the couch. She longed to reach out, to hold his hand, to toss her legs over his, to cuddle up close and never let him go, but the part of her that had once found all of that so easy balked now at the thought. Because now things were different, and it wasn't easy, and she wasn't sure that it ever would be. Not now.
And then she just listened.
There was so much to take in, and Soh fidgeted with a ring that she wore on the first finger of her right hand, twirling it around and around to keep herself from reaching for Jude's hand, or his cheek, or to pull him into a hug. He'd been through so much in the time they'd been apart, and a part of her was almost relieved - not that he'd had to experience such terrible things, of course, but that there had been a reason for his disappearance. She'd spent so long thinking that it must have been her, never imagining what he had gone through. And who would?
Strangely enough, she understood. She'd been in Jude's brother's shoes, and although she hadn't killed anyone, it had been a very near thing. She was pale as she considered how close she had come to doing just that - if it hadn't been for Mateo... But this wasn't about her. It was about Jude.
And then he said he'd gone to Koa.
A strange buzzing filled her ears. Once upon a time, he would have come to her, not as the Heart or as anyone official, but as his friend. As his most trusted confidante. And she could have gone with him to report the crime, to help him, to do whatever it was that he needed. But he'd chosen Koa over her.
He'd chosen Koa over her.
And there it was: the anger that she'd fought so hard to ignore, rearing its ugly head at possibly the most inopportune time. She shoved it aside, focused on Jude's tears, clenching her hands in to fists in her lap in order to keep herself from wiping them away. Jude's pain was what was important here. Not hers.
Just like Jude's pain had come first, how Koa's pain had come first.
But what about Soh? What about her pain?
She swallowed hard. "I'm sorry you had to see that," she said in a voice that sounded far away to her ears. "But I understand. Family comes first." And she, clearly, wasn't family. Not to Jude.
Maybe she never had been.
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore
He silently shakes his head at her offer. Even if having something in his hands might help, his stomach can’t handle anything right now, it would only be a waste. Telling her all of this is somehow harder than telling Koa or his mother - though he had hardly gone into detail with Phoebe, distressed as he’d been. Jude doesn’t know how she might react as opposed to Koa being forcibly structured by his profession or his mother who he knows inside and out.
He isn’t expecting…rigidity. A strange, hollow tone and wording that makes no sense to Jude.
Turning his gaze to her, his dark brows crinkle, trying to puzzle out the source. “What? It - it had nothing to do with coming first.” And frankly he’s rather offended that she said he only had to ‘see’ it, as if it were that simple. “I couldn’t just leave midway through any of it that’s all. And I knew if I came to you before I made the report…” Jude huffs a laugh that’s too hollow to be amused, eyes dropping away from her to stare at his pale knuckles once more. “I’m already under suspicion by being involved. I couldn’t do that to you.” It’s why he’d also involved himself in his report more than the truth should have. If anyone takes the fall, he prays it’s him, not Edmund. To have that suspicion cast upon Sohalia, the Heart of Stormbreak? For them to even question if she had helped cover it up if it ever came to light, even if she was only there to hold his hand while he made his report?
No, Jude had refused the idea of that. He had to protect her too.
Would you hold me when we crash? Or would you let me go?
So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
Things were different now in a way that Soh couldn't quite put her finger on, distant and disconnected in a way that they had never been before. A part of her longed to comfort him in the way she would have in the time before their split - to reach for him, to pull him close, to run her fingers through his dark curls and comfort him in any way she knew how - but another, angrier part of her resisted the call, looking on with a rigidity that had no place in Soh's soft, gentle nature.
So maybe she wasn't making sense - but it wasn't just to Jude. She wasn't making sense to herself, either, and she suddenly wished that he would leave, that she could have some time to gather her thoughts, that she could measure out how she wanted to respond. If he'd answered my letters, she thought waspishly, and was immediately appalled and enraged at once. The conflicting energies spinning through her mind had her looking at her lap, silver eyes an abnormally stormy grey.
"I didn't mean..." What did she mean? He didn't want to come to her, and that was fine (was it?). But he could've said something to let her know he was alive, and it was that silence that cut her to the core. She shook off those thoughts, trying to focus. She felt scattered, like she was being pulled in a million different directions, feeling a trillion different things. Love, anger, affection, fear, compassion, indifference - all mingled in her mind until she didn't know what she was feeling anymore. She loved Jude - she did - but there was something terrible and different and wrong in her heart that hadn't been there before, and it all culminated in one repeating thought: that he didn't trust her anymore.
Whether that was right or wrong was another thing entirely.
"What do you mean, you're under suspicion?" she asked, her brows knitting together as she clung to the only thing that stood out to her through the garbled mess of her thoughts. "You didn't do anything wrong." Her gaze flashed up to his face, momentarily fierce and protective, as though daring anyone to say otherwise. Jude was many things, but a killer? Absolutely not. And for a moment, it was like old times, a shard of her shattered soul showing through the haze. "And you reported it." To Koa, sneered the angry voice in the back of her mind. She shoved it aside. "You did the right thing."
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore
Jude is helpless to understand her for the first time since the day they met, and it only deepens the feeling of being lost at sea and unsure of his place. There have always been five constants in his life; Harper, Phoebe, Maeve, Edmund - and Sohalia. The last to be added, yes, but a guiding point that has stayed true even when others have faded.
His own small spark of injurious confusion fizzles out, only to be replaced by her own fervency. Jude shrugs helplessly all the same. "I was involved one way or the other. I had to do an interrogation even though I reported it, and he still has to confirm my story." By interrogating Edmund. Gods, it makes Jude want to throw up just thinking about it. He never should have said anything in the first place. He'd shrouded his desire for justice in a thin veneer of a plan meant to rally support around the Ancients - but what had he really achieved in the end? Suspicion upon himself and his brother, distance from his girlfriend, being complicit in a crime he'd normally be appalled by but which he couldn't be because of his brother's hand in it?
Maybe it's all of that wrapped into one taking up too much space in his head, or maybe it's all the changes Sohalia herself has undergone in his absence, but it makes it all the harder to read her. Still, his hands come to cradle his head as he drops it forward, shoulders hunching. "I thought I was doing the right thing," his voice comes out, tight and thick with encroaching tears. "But I just - now I've just messed it all up." His fingers find the very ends of his hair and twist tight, pulling until he feels the ache in the roots of his hair. "I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Soh. I didn't mean for any of this to happen." The time, the letters, the murders...but they sit at his feet all the same, sure signs of blame.
Would you hold me when we crash? Or would you let me go?
So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
And just like that, all of Soh's anger faded away.
There were still plenty of emotions to sort through - hurt, confusion, guilt, shame - but it all paled in comparison to the wave of compassion that rushed through her as Jude's head dropped into his hands and his voice tightened, and she reached out without thinking to wrap an arm around his shoulders, pressing her forehead against his cheek in solidarity. "Hey - hey, it's gonna be okay," she soothed, even though she didn't know that it would be. There was so much left unsaid, so much still unknown. It was too early for it to all be water under the bridge. She didn't know where things stood between she and Jude. She didn't know what would happen with this apparent murder investigation involving him and his brother.
All she knew was that she wanted to fix it.
And that it was all her fault.
A wave of shame and guilt overtook her as tears pricked at her eyes. If she had let go of her feelings for Koa, or if she'd just stayed quiet long enough to figure them out for herself, Jude would never have left. And if he hadn't left... "And - and you don't have to apologize for me. If it wasn't for me, none of this would have happened," she murmured, pain evident in her voice as she rubbed small circles on Jude's back. "I'm so sorry, Jude. For everything."
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore
So brief had been the glimpse into her anger that Jude doesn't even know it goes. Perhaps that makes him all the more selfish, to have not recognized it - but he is eighteen and his world has never been so upturned before, so thoroughly set on its head. Selfishness is to be expected.
Still, he succumbs to that selfishness and leans into her embrace, emerging only enough to bury his face in her shoulder and blindly reach for her hands. "I might never have found him if I hadn't left. He might have been attacked alone or -" but he can't finish that thought. The cruelties of the world were not a burden meant for her shoulders. "None of that's your fault." And after Koa's gentle handling of his interrogation - though interrogation it had still been - Jude can't blame her for having loved him, or been infatuated with him, or whatever it was that had led to her still having feelings for him and admitting them to Jude.
"I'm sorry I left. I needed to clear my head but - I don't know. I want to say I could've done it here but I just don't know. I just...I'm just sorry." Which is not enough and he knows it, but he doesn't want to lie either. He'd needed to see his mother, his father - and distance alone had made time spool out unfairly long, well before murders and lies and interrogations. He can't say he would have been able to come to any of the conclusions he'd needed to if he hadn't left, so he won't say it all.
Would you hold me when we crash? Or would you let me go?
So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
She held him all the tighter as he reached for her free hand, and she intertwined her fingers with his as he buried his face in her shoulder. It was as natural as breathing, falling back into this rhythm, letting go of her anger in favor of the love she still had for him. It didn't solve their problems, of course, but she was nineteen and naive, and she wanted to believe that loving him was enough to smooth out the rough edges that pricked at the edges of their fragile relationship.
"I wish..." she started to say, but then stopped herself. She was about to say that she wished she'd been there, but she didn't, not really. Her own near-murder had been quite enough violence to last her a lifetime. But even if she didn't wish that she'd been physically there, she did wish she'd been there for him, and that she hadn't been was enough to make her heart ache. "I wish I could've been there for you. As your friend, you know? I just... I wish you hadn't had to go through all of that alone.
"Not that I want to just be friends," she hurried to add, not wanting to give the impression that she wanted to break things off, even though she might have wanted that not so very long ago. "I just - it's hard, sometimes, being together, but also you being my best friend. You're the one I want to talk to and share everything with, but when the thing I want to talk about is us, it's just - I don't know if I'm making any sense," she admitted. "I guess, my point is, no matter what happens, you don't have to face it alone."
As for the rest of it, well, it all seemed so far away in this moment. He'd been gone for ages, yes, but he was here now, and it was so very easy to forget about all of her pain and anger, at least for a little while. She squeezed his hand and leaned her cheek against his head. It might have even been good for them to have some separation to figure things out, had it not been for everything that followed. "I'm sorry, too," she said. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, and that I made you feel like you needed to leave. I'm not upset with you for leaving. I understand why you did. And, honestly, I don't know that you really need my forgiveness, because I think you did the best you could under the circumstances, but I forgive you anyways."
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore
Though her clarification is appreciated, it only makes Jude aware of how fraught their relationship currently is. Maybe clearer heads and time will allow them both to consider if this is truly the right choice, but in the here and now he can only cling to her, refusing to envision any other ending.
"I wanted you there too. It happened in the Oerwoud - I didn't have a way to get a letter to you." He'd regretted their incomplete quest immensely in that moment, and were it not for Edmund requesting that Jude come with him further into the Wilds, perhaps he could have found a way to get a letter to her. But there'd been no civilization to speak of, no birds or courier services. Just himself and his thoughts. "But I want to be able to talk about our relationship. Ending aside...I thought we did pretty okay last time?" They'd both been hurt, and Jude had ended up needing to leave, but they hadn't devolved into screaming or accusations. Surely that was better than most couples their age?
"Can we both be sorry? And both forgive?" It's a pitiful murmur, and he isn't proud of how childish it sounds. But he just wants the round-robin of blame to stop for a few hours. He wants to push it into a corner and forget about it - even if he's admittedly aware of the fact that it might remain there for too long, unattended to, if they do. "I'm so tired - of all of it. I just want it to be you and me against the world again." And he wants it so badly that his voice is close to pleading.
Would you hold me when we crash? Or would you let me go?
So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
He wanted her there.
He wanted her there.
And that little insight was enough to bring a fleeting sense of relief, because it reaffirmed that he had been thinking of her, that she hadn't been the only one pining away, that she'd been right to wait for him - because he'd been going through a lot, and he couldn't get back to her, and it wasn't that he didn't love her or that he didn't want her or that he'd forgotten her, and that made all the difference.
"I want to be able to, too," she murmured, tracing little circles on his skin with her thumb. Gods, but she'd missed him - missed the feel of him next to her, the sound of his voice, his scent, his everything - and for a moment she wondered if it was a dream, that she'd wake up to find that he was still gone and that she was alone again. "I think - I think we need to," he admitted. "And we've always been able to talk about anything, haven't we?" she said, almost pleading. "If anyone can do it, we can. And you're right, ending aside - last time wasn't so bad."
She may not know much about relationships, but she knew that communication was key, and she knew that she'd never had to think too much about communication with Jude. It had always been easy, and they'd always been open. Almost always, whispered a voice in the back of her mind, and the guilt and shame flickered in the back of her mind.
"I forgive you," she said. "Do you forgive me?" She pulled back to peer at him hopefully, her silver eyes filled with a desperation that she was sure Jude would see. She hadn't grown much better at hiding her emotions in the time he'd been away, and he'd always been incredibly attuned to them, regardless. "I love you," she told him, not quite hesitant, but almost afraid: for the first time she wasn't sure that he'd say it back. "I want it to be us against the world, always."
Whether that meant as a couple or as friends remained to be seen.
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore
“I forgive you,” he murmurs, certainty clear even in his otherwise crumpled and exhausted frame. Jude doesn’t know how not to forgive her; he comes from a family line of people who never learned how to stop letting people hurt them, how to stand up and take the boots off their backs. All he has managed to heal from the generational cycles before him is the disbelief in promises and vows - but Sohalia had never promised him forever. There had been nothing to distrust. Now all that’s left is to forgive, because he so badly wants to.
They don’t speak much past that. They’re too tired, too hurt and overwhelmed. They go to bed and hold hands across the empty spaces of the bed, fingers loosely intertwined like the days before they ever kissed. Not innocent anymore, but childlike all the same.
- - -
When they wake, the eggshells under their feet return. There’s more to say and they both know it, but neither of them is sure which ending lies in their future and it’s terrifying. Jude tries to be brave. Tries to channel Koa, which should be laughable considering everything. “You seemed like you were holding something back yesterday. You seemed…angry. Do you want to talk about it?” Sad doe eyes look at her from across the breakfast table. It feels too mature for them to do it this way, more befitting people like his parents, but it’s the only example he has to draw from.
Would you hold me when we crash? Or would you let me go?
So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
Morning came, and with it, the sense of glass about to shatter. They woke, made breakfast, every movement quiet and hesitant, unsure of what the future held and how they were supposed to navigate it. What happened next? Only time would tell, and it was a morning spent waiting for the precarious truce the pair had formed the night before to fall to pieces once more.
The moment came when Jude looked at her from across the table, so close and yet so far away all at once. His eyes - so beautiful, so emotional - were large and sad, and Soh hated herself for being the cause of it. Even so, a small part of her rebelled against the sorrow. She might have started the fight, but Jude had disappeared on her, and she had every right to be upset - didn't she?
She didn't know how to do this, how to be vulnerable in this way, and it showed in the way her eyes dropped to the cup of water that sat before her, the way she started to toy with the glass. Still, surely she owed it to Jude to be honest, after everything? "I was angry," she admitted. "I'm not now, and I understand why, but at the time - you'd disappeared, Jude," she said softly, almost pleading, her own silver gaze wide with pain. "I thought - I don't know. I was just - stuck, waiting on you, and it felt so - so lonely." She took a sip of her water, trying to ground herself. He was back now. He was here. But for how long? whispered a voice in the back of her mind. She soldiered on. "It wasn't just that you left, it was that you didn't write or... anything, not even to let me know you were alive." A single tear trickled down her cheek, and she swiped at it angrily, trying to keep a hold on her emotions. "And now I get it, and I'm not mad, but it was - it was hard, being without you. You're still my best friend, and I guess I just... I don't know if I'm still yours."
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore
