From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
Once, being vulnerable with him had come naturally to her. It hurts to see her struggling to do it now, when they both know their relationship hinges upon it. He doesn't know how to fix this, and it's the hardest realization he's ever had to come to in his young life. For all his parents had advised and imparted wisdom, neither of them had told him what to do if all his honesty and explanations didn't work.
What's worse, he doesn't feel he has done anything wrong, so how is it fair that she gets to be angry? It's a small twist of bitterness in his stomach, not nearly to the level Sohalia herself is experiencing given how hard it is for such emotions to thrive in the environment of his own mind. He is far too meek for things like anger. Still, it hurts. And he's so very tired of hurting. Of them hurting each other.
"I don't want you to feel stuck, or like you're waiting on me. If you have things you want to chase then..." he falters, because the idea seems so wrong, so monumental. But how else is he supposed to take a word like waiting? If he's holding her back, then he needs to let her go. "I don't...have any other friends really." So who else could possibly be his best friend? How could he replace her in that role when nobody was eager to step up in the first place? Yes, he'd promised Koa they were friends, but it doesn't seem right to bring that up here and now given what a mood-killer it would be. Not that he thinks the mood can worsen at this point.
Staring down at his untouched breakfast, Jude berates himself for being a coward, for not being able to meet her eyes as he says, "Maybe...maybe we should just go back to being friends."
Would you hold me when we crash? Or would you let me go?
So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
It wasn't even that she was waiting for anything, just that she'd been left adrift, not knowing when or even if Jude would come back. It was like everything that had happened last Longheat had been a dream that they'd been living in, a magical world separate from responsibilities and reality. And after summer had passed, they'd been forced to wake up. Now everything was in shambles, falling to pieces as the storm raged around them.
Maybe the problem was that they'd burned too brightly, and now there was nothing left but ashes.
His response was, perhaps, not what she'd have preferred. It hurt. Not, 'of course, you're still my best friend' or 'I can't imagine life without you in it' or anything remotely similar to that, just that she was his only option. And again, that hot rage welled up at the unfairness of it all. All she'd tried to do was to be honest, and now... gods, had it even been worth it?
And as much as a part of her clung to the way things had been, cried to return to the summer days of young love, a bigger part of her was ready to let go - had been ready, she realized, for a while. So however much it hurt, however much it made her eyes well with tears and her throat tighten with sadness, she had to admit that maybe he was right. She was quiet for a moment too long before she said, "Is that what you want?"
Can we even do that anymore?
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore
It's a blessing, likely, that they are not both Attuned. Jude would have anger of his own to feel if he knew she so willfully took the worst possible implication from his words - that she has always shone above them all, the only one he has but also the only one who matters. Jude has never needed another friend when he has her instead.
Still, he is not immune to his own upset. Why must she turn this on him? Make it entirely his decision, without providing insight into her own thoughts on the matter? Why does he have to be the one to cut the cord without knowing if she wants to repair things or not?
Jude thinks of Koa's sad, harsh laugh in the treehouse. Sohalia's broken nose, mottled blacks and blues. His father's empty, fuzzy stare as he sat night after night on the couch waiting for someone to come back - never certain who. He thinks that maybe love is terrible and cruel, and that they're all deluding themselves with memories of summer and infatuation that could never hope to sustain a dream like forever.
"I think it's what needs to happen," he admits softly. He doesn't want it, but if he says as much, he worries she'll try and keep trying - when he can tell she doesn't want to. So he'll be the villain, be the one to cut the string, because she's too kind to do it herself.
Would you hold me when we crash? Or would you let me go?
So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
So many times, she had wished for Jude to be Attuned so that she could share what she was feeling, but for once, she was grateful for the privacy. There were so many memories, thoughts, emotions flowing through her that she could hardly keep up, and it was hard - so hard - not to beg him to stay if only to make it all stop. She could be who he wanted her to be - she knew she could - and he could be who she wanted him to be, if only they were both willing to try.
But then, would they still be who they were? Or would they merely be a shadow of who they could be?
Soh wanted love, craved it, but not like this. Not if it meant hurting someone over and over again. Not when it meant destroying everything that had come before. She could still have love from Jude, someday, once they'd had a chance to get past the heartbreak. They could still be friends. Right?
Maybe she was kidding herself.
"I think so, too," she agreed softly, and with it a bubble of relief blossomed in the back of her mind, that it was over, finally, and that they could begin to heal. There was a moment of silence. "I'm sorry, Jude. This - I never wanted to hurt you."
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore
Where she might feel relief, no matter how bittersweet or jaded, Jude can only feel empty. He hadn't done anything wrong, and yet it feels like he's losing everything. Like his absence - and the trauma he'd experienced during it - had led to her growing in a direction he couldn't follow. Jude has always known Sohalia was too big and bright to hold in his hands. He wants to be grateful for the time he'd been allowed to try, but instead, he just feels hollow and cold. Like she took all that light with her already.
Her apologies feel worse somehow. Jude bows his head slightly, dark curls shadowing his eyes as he stares down at his untouched plate. He doesn't feel hungry anymore.
He wants to say it's okay, I don't blame you, I forgive you, but he finds that he can't. It would be a lie. But he doesn't want to hurt her anymore either, so he simply stands quietly and goes through the motions of pushing his chair back in neatly. "I'm not sorry. It was the happiest I've ever been." Maybe that will be enough to comfort her without having to lie. Somehow, though, the truth hurts worse - like razorblades coming up his throat. Giving her a wan smile, he takes what few things he had brought to her house the night before, and lets himself out the front door. He doesn't want to say goodbye. He's never been allowed them before, and he doesn't think he's strong enough to withstand the weight of the unfamiliar word because of it.
Would you hold me when we crash? Or would you let me go?
So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
The happiest I've ever been.
It was like a knife in the gut, and she watched him with sad eyes as he stood and pushed the chair in neatly, his plate untouched. However much she might feel relieved in secret, her heart still ached, her eyes still filled with tears for what might have been. Jude, wait, she might have said, but the words stuck in her throat. What more was there to say?
She wondered if she should have fought for them. She'd told him over and over that she'd always choose him, but that had been before she'd felt so abandoned, and she didn't know if she could go back now. She felt horrible - like a liar, a cheat, and even though she hadn't lied and she hadn't cheated, she couldn't help but want to apologize for it all anyway. For everything she'd done to him.
So she watched him go, standing in the window upstairs to watch his back retreating down the street, and wondered if life would ever be the same.
-FIN-
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore
