From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
And I feel like my castle's crumbling down And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground
Sohalia stood outside the door of Jude's apartment, her hand raised to knock.
It had taken some time to track him down - more than she'd anticipated, in any case, when she'd gone to the little house that used to belong to Harper to find it empty. She almost turned around and went home. What if she wasn't meant to find him? What if this was just how it was meant to be, the two of them ending, never to see or hear from one another again?
She couldn't accept that. She wouldn't. He was still her best friend (wasn't he?), and he might need her. It didn't matter that things were fucked up and wrong and messy between them. She just... she had to make sure he was okay.
But then, why was it so hard to just... knock?
Taking a deep breath, she rapped her knuckles against the door.
And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down You don't wanna know me now
He hadn’t expected to get into more than one physical fight post-breakup, especially after the kindness that Hadama and Noe had shown him, but the validation Noe had given him for his anger had perhaps leaned a little too far into encouraging it. At the very least he can say that this time he hadn’t been at a bar - he’d stuck his nose into a smuggling deal down at the docks because they’d been pushing around one of their deckhands. If he’d been loitering around there intentionally hoping to blow off steam, well…it’s not like he has any parents around to call him stupid.
He’s expecting Noe sometime this afternoon, so he doesn’t think twice when he hears a knock at the door. Winifred blinks lazily at him as he passes by her perch, and he gives her a quick scratch under the chin before he opens the door, a pack of ice still pressed to his cheek.
“Don’t ask, I know it looks -” he’s halfway through a bad attempt at humorous distraction when he looks down and realizes it’s definitely not Noe at his door, but Sohalia. Every muscle goes rigid, and the ache in his cheek blooms hotter than the ice can keep down as his jaw locks up. He wants to slam the door in her face, maybe yell at her to leave, or burst into tears. It’s too much for him to compartmentalize at once, so like any young man he simply blurts, “What are you doing here?” But for all his confusion, it still comes out stubbornly guarded, wary. Hurt, beneath it all.
And I feel like my castle's crumbling down And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground
She was expecting confusion. She was expecting hurt. She was even expecting anger. It wouldn't have surprised her in the least if he'd taken one look at her and slammed the door in her face.
What she wasn't expecting was for him to look like that.
She gasped as he opened the door, one hand flying to cover her mouth. The other reached out as though to touch him, but she recoiled quickly, clenching her hand into a fist by her side. He wasn't hers to touch anymore, however much she might want to pull him close. "Gods, Jude," she whispered, dropping her other hand to her side. "What happened?"
A part of her was horrified; another was furious. Who had dared to hurt Jude? Something wild and feral stirred in her chest - something that she would later blame on her predatory shifts - but she shoved it aside, focusing instead on his blurted question. "I - um -" she stuttered, clearly not sure how to proceed and on very shaky ground. "I - heard about Harper and I - are you okay?"
And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down You don't wanna know me now
Her concern makes him ache. The concern Hadama and Noe had shown can’t hold a candle to hers; she who is - was - his best friend, his confidante, his first love. The one who knew him best, in ways family never could. He wants to fall into her outstretched hand, frozen in time and space, and let her soft touch ease the aches that go so far beneath the skin.
But those very hands had been the ones to hurt him. The mouth that gasps and cries with alarm had been the one to herald the end of their relationship. And just as she freezes, so too is Jude capable of shoving that sad, pitiful, touch-starved creature back into the box before he can do something stupid.
“Got into a fight s’all,” he mutters, because how is he supposed to explain the downward spiral his newly unlocked anger issues have caused? A last parting gift from his father that he never knew existed in their family line. Irony of ironies, because apparently that’s what brought her here. His face - never knowing how to keep any form of emotion from showing on it - twists painfully at the mention of his father’s departure, and the new life he was unfairly and unexpectedly thrust into that sits damnably all around him in the existence of the apartment at all. His lips part to say - something, anything? - when he pauses. Thinks. And something cold, hard, and angry forms in his stomach.
“How did you find out?” His tone is dead and flat, because it’s a leading question. Jude knows his father only left letters, and if Sohalia is showing up this late? It means she didn’t get the news that way. Shaking his head despite how it makes him wince, he lowers the ice pack from his face and laughs bitterly. “Did he seriously see you before me? Are you joking?” The sting of tears in his eyes makes him feel pathetic, so he tries to sneer past them. “I guess you’re the favorite in all things then.” Jude’s choice, Koa’s choice, Harper’s choice. Apparently Sohalia could do no wrong, and life was intent on rubbing as much salt in his wounds until the message was properly received.
And I feel like my castle's crumbling down And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground
Sohalia had, admittedly, not thought this far ahead. When she’d seen Harper, heard of his abdication, all she could think of was what things must have been like for Jude. All she’d wanted was to make sure he was okay. And here he was, decidedly not okay, and furious with her.
She was taken aback by the force of his vitriol, and she fought the urge to step away from him. ”No, Jude, it wasn’t like that -“ she hurried to assure him, holding her hands out in front of her in a placating gesture. ”I was in King’s End visiting a friend, and I just happened to see him there.” Shit, maybe she shouldn’t have said that. Was Harper’s location supposed to be a secret?
”He wasn’t himself, and he told me he’d abdicated, and I just thought - I didn’t want you to be alone -“ But that was the wrong thing to say. She knew it as soon as the words left her mouth. If she hadn’t wanted him to be alone, she never would have let him break things off. ”I just wanted to check on you,” she finished lamely.
And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down You don't wanna know me now
His face twists into something mean, something cruel. Noe had opened the door for him to give space and validation to his anger, and now it's the only armor he has, alone as he feels in the world. "It wasn't like that? You seem to say that a lot, Sohalia," he spits, and her full name feels sharp with intention between his teeth. He doesn't care where his dad is. He could have left Caido for good - Jude doesn't care.
(He cares so much it hurts. He cares so much and he's bleeding out. He cares so much and it's tearing him apart and he doesn't know how to make it stop.)
The click of her teeth as she realizes her mistake should be satisfying, but Jude is too angry for satisfaction. "You don't get to be the one to fix that anymore," he points out, voice low and slightly shaky, though he's not sure if it's anger or just the hurt welling up through the cracks. "Me being hurt didn't matter when you were hiding feelings for someone else. Me being hurt didn't matter when people tried to kill me and my brother on your schedule." I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't, I didn't, why won't you forgive me? His knuckles ache around the door handle, creaking slightly beneath his white-fisted grip. "Why does it matter now, Soh?" This time he can't keep her nickname out of his mouth, and he regrets it immediately, regrets showing her that she still has any power over him. "Because you can use me to make yourself look good, like a charity case? How am I supposed to believe you actually care?"
Stepping slightly toward her through the open door, he stares down at her through his too-long curls, the bags under his eyes and the bruises around his temple making him look darker and older than he is. "Tell me, have you even talked to Koa about Edmund and I's interrogations yet?" Because he's willing to bet everything that she hasn't, because all her concern, her outrage at Jude being suspected, didn't mean shit. Not once he wasn't with her anymore.
You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love
Noe lingered around the corner, listening to Jude's voice as it rose higher and higher over Sohalia's soft syllables. She'd been on her way up the stairs when she heard the Heart's name and, unable to help herself, stopped to listen in. Fortunately, she knew most of Jude's grievances against his ex, so it wasn't like she was learning anything he hadn't already told her. Maybe if it was, she'd have walked away, waited for Sohalia to come downstairs before heading up to meet Jude.
Probably not, but hey. She can pretend.
A part of her wanted to come around the corner swinging, infuriated by the Heart's callous treatment of someone she had supposedly loved so dearly. Someone who she'd considered her best friend. Well, if that was how Sohalia treated her so-called friends, then Noe was glad that she wasn't one. Perhaps it was simply that Noe detested the Heart so much, but she was firmly on Jude's side of this - and any other - fight.
And as much as she hated to hear Jude's pain, she couldn't help the delighted smirk from her face. Sohalia was finally getting what she deserved.
And I feel like my castle's crumbling down And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground
Her full name was like a slap in the face, and she recoiled as though he'd struck her. Her hands, which had been clenched into fists at her side to keep from reaching for him, moved to wrap around her middle, as though his words had torn through whatever semblance of fine she was and ripped her in two. She wished he had. It would probably hurt less.
This wasn't the Jude she knew. The Jude she knew was patient, and understanding, and kind. This Jude was angry - rightfully so, she would admit - and hateful and cruel. "What?" she spluttered as he accused her of not caring, of using him, of everything under the sun that screamed you aren't my friend and never were. "Of course I care, Jude. How could I not?" she started, but he wasn't finished.
Have you even talked to Koa?
Her mouth clicked shut for the second time. It was like he knew. He'd been here, hurting and alone, and Soh had been seeking solace with the one person that would hurt Jude the most.
And no, she hadn't asked about his interrogation.
"I - it's not like I can show favoritism, Jude!" she hurried to say. "I have to let the Dragoons do their job, just like with any other investigation." To her credit, that much was true. But it stung her to know that he thought so little of her - and, worse, that he was right. She hadn't thought to ask Koa about the interrogations, not in the midst of the ongoing political train wreck dragoon had inadvertently started. Of course, she hadn't talked to him about that either. But Jude didn't need to know that.
She tried a different angle. "I know you're angry with me, and I understand. I was a lousy girlfriend and a worse friend. I know that. But you can't think that I don't care." Her voice was pleading. He knew her better than anyone. If he thought that... She shook herself. "You have to know that I care," she whispered past the lump in her throat. "You're - you're my best friend -" But maybe he wasn't, not anymore. Maybe she'd destroyed that just like she'd destroyed him.
And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down You don't wanna know me now
He watches her like she's a spectacle, because he has to shut himself off from how he's feeling or he'll try to reach out to take her into his arms. He's never tried to hurt anyone intentionally before, and he feels simultaneously sick to his stomach and so vindicated that his blood feels hot in his veins. Finally he can stand up for himself, tell her everything she's done that has hurt him, balance the scales himself since karma clearly won't do it for him. Gods forbid Sohalia ever get any kind of retribution for her selfishness.
"Convenient excuse," he spits, his hand on the doorknob the only reason he doesn't step further into her space, holding himself back. "I bet it didn't even cross your mind. I bet you forgot about it the second I left. Out of sight, out of mind right?" Jude's free hand shakes where it fists itself at his thigh. "Is that why it was so easy to excuse still feeling something for Koa? Because I was here?" Because he didn't have the heart to move? Wouldn't sacrifice that final thing for her? "Because to me it looks like you chased after any other lead you had on romance because it has to fill your life every second of every day."
Scoffing, Jude takes his hand off the door only to cross his arms in front of his chest, wanting to seem like he's looming and large but coming off as hurt and defensive. If she can't see his heart maybe she can stop fucking breaking it. "Oh I think you care, Sohalia," he agrees sharply, something mean and hurt in the cut of his mouth. "But your version of caring is selfish, and you don't even know it. And you refuse to admit it. Because why would the Heart ever be self-absorbed?" Even her title is sour to him now, the metaphor of it all making his own broken heart black and angry.
"I think you're so desperate to be loved after Auden died that you'll take it from anyone who offers it. And you don't care who you hurt in the process." It's the cruelest thing he has ever said to her by far, and a bell rings in the back of his head, telling him he's overstepping - but why should he listen to it? Jude has been abandoned by all of his parents too, and he hadn't turned around and pitted people against each other the same way she had.
Against his will, his eyes well with tears, and the image of her standing before him blurs until she's more color than shape. He refuses to blink in the hopes they won't fall. "So I don't want your concern. I want you to leave me alone until you're actually sorry and ready to apologize." Taking in a sharp breath, the tears spill over against his will, pouring into the crevices of his grimace. "Please. Please just - leave me alone. Stop hurting me." And Jude lifts a hand and waves sharply down the hall, shoulders trembling. He wants her to leave - now - so he can shut his door and cry himself sick in his empty apartment where nobody can see him be so weak.
And I feel like my castle's crumbling down And I watch all my bridges burn to the ground
"That's - that's not true," she protested, tears welling in her eyes, but her pleas fell on deaf ears. For Jude was well and truly furious with her. And the worst part was that she deserved it. She had hurt him so deeply that he wasn't even the person she loved anymore. She had done that. She had broken her best friend.
The accusations that he hurled so venomously at her stung. Did he really think she was that shallow? That callous? She hadn't been able to choose between two boys she cared about. Did that really make her a villain?
But then he brought up Auden, and time stopped.
He'd been the first person she'd opened up to about the pain of Auden's death, the only person who had ever seen her at her lowest point after their loss. And to have him toss that back in her face, to weaponize it against her? Something broke inside her. Tears spilled down her face. He didn't mean it. He didn't mean it. He didn't mean it. She repeated the phrase like a mantra, chest heaving against the sobs that she tried to choke back.
He didn't get it. She'd thought that he'd understood her, but she'd been wrong. Her parents, her guardian, everyone she'd ever loved was dead. Was her Jude dead, too?
Had she killed him?
"Jude, please," she whimpered, her arms wrapped around her middle as though to hold herself together. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please -"
And you don't want to know me, I will just let you down You don't wanna know me now
You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love
As much as Noe loved that Jude was finally letting loose of some of his anger - and, thankfully, directing it at the right person - she hated the way his hurt shone through in his voice. And when she heard Sohalia start to argue, she scowled furiously. How dare she think that she had some right to be in his life, as though she could force Jude to forgive her if she just stayed long enough?
"Um, no."
Noe stepped out from around the corner, strolling nonchalantly toward Jude's door as though she'd only just arrived. To any outsider, she looked like a girl on a perfectly cheerful morning stroll, not Jude's new best friend preparing to kick some blonde ass. But on the inside? Oh, on the inside, she was seething.
She smiled at the Heart. It was not a kind smile. She could tell because she couldn't feel her face. "You don't get to talk anymore. He asked you to go." She huffed a cold laugh. "You should listen."
She saw the moment that Sohalia recognized her as the girl who'd questioned her leadership all those months ago, and she fluttered her lashes, purposely trying to be as infuriating as possible. The blonde, wisely, didn't try to argue. She looked back at Jude one more time, looking thoroughly and completely broken-hearted, and turned on her heel and walked away. Noe watched her go, arms crossed, until she turned the corner and Noe could hear her heels clicking down the hall.
Then she turned to Jude. She didn't bother asking if he was okay. "Do you want me to go?"
Making her cry makes him feel sick, and seeing them on her cheeks is like trying to swallow mouthfuls of ash, but the fire in his stomach that keeps generating it won't die down. It's the only fuel source he has left, and even though he's sure it'll burn him from the inside out, it's better than the cold nothingness he'd had before.
Her begging is a knife to his sternum, weakening his resolve - until Noe steps around the corner, fierce and unrelenting, and it nearly bowls Jude over. Nobody has ever stepped up to take his place and shield him like this, holding the weight just as his strength is about to fail. It leaves him staring stupidly at her as she comes to his side, defending him even with all the terrible things he'd said. So maybe...?
And just like that Sohalia is leaving. Jude takes in a breath, and it shakes so hard in his lungs that he wonders if he forgot how to, or if maybe Sohalia took all the oxygen in her wake. He feels lightheaded.
Noe's words come to him as if from underwater, and now the tears come. They gather silently, at the very least, sparing Jude the embarrassment of the way he always hiccups when he sobs. "Please don't go," comes out in a rush, strained and quiet because he still can't breathe. He pulls on her until they're both past the doorway and closes it gracelessly by leaning his shoulder into it, and feels just a touch better when the world and all the people in it are shut away behind it. It doesn't make it any easier to breathe - is he hyperventilating? - but at least the outside world is quiet now even if his head isn't.
You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love
Part of her had assumed that Jude would want her to go, too. Poor kid looked like he was about to break down, and if it were Noe, she wasn't sure she'd want any witnesses. But to her surprise, Jude's request for her to stay rushed out between harsh breaths, and she let him tug her into the apartment.
The only problem with her staying was that she wasn't sure what to do next. She wasn't particularly practiced at being nurturing - being the youngest child in a loving family meant that she hadn't had to do much of that for others - but it was clear that Jude needed something. It was obvious in the way he leaned against the door to close it and stayed there, as though the door was all that was holding him together.
So Noe reached out to take Jude's hand, her movements slow and deliberate, as though he might startle if she moved too quickly. "Hey," she said softly, leaning to peer into his face, trying to catch his eye. "You did good. She's gone now. It's gonna be okay." Was it? Noe wasn't sure, really - but surely any life without Sohalia in it would be an improvement for Jude, now that he knew just what she was capable of? "Breathe with me, okay? In... out..."
Part of him will shrivel up and die with embarrassment and regret when it's capable of thinking again, guilty over having forced her into an impromptu position of support. Right now, he can only cling to the hand that seems to suddenly appear in his own and try to keep eye contact with her. For some reason, all he can think is her eyes are brown. They're not grey. Thank the gods.
It makes it easier to stare unblinking back into her eyes, and to begin slowly breathing alongside the direction she gives. The door at his back is the only thing keeping him standing. So when his heart begins to slow and the panic begins to recede, he slowly slides down it to sit, knees loosely askew and hand still holding onto hers regardless of how it forces her down onto his level.
"I don't know what to do now," is the first thing his thick, numb tongue manages to say. All the other thoughts, phrases, questions - they buzz in his head like a swarm of bees, fighting to make their way out but failing with how the drone of all the others drowns them out.
