catching my death

Sohalia

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

Soh didn't know why she'd bothered to bring a journal.

Mapping was supposed to be a calming exercise, something that brought her joy. But just now, her lines were jagged and choppy, her shading was oof, and she just couldn't get the angles right. It made sense. Nothing else was going right, so why should this be any different.

Finally fed up with the shoddy workmanship - which, admittedly, was probably not helped by the occasional choked sob that wracked her frame - Soh threw the notebook towards the nearest tree as hard as she could. It struck with a loud crack! and fell to lay motionless among the gnarled roots.

Soh pulled her knees to her chest and buried her head in her knees. Gods, what was she doing? She'd left home to check on Jude and, when faced with his loathing, she'd fled to hide in the woods. Selfish, Jude's voice whispered insidiously in the back of her mind. Coward.

But she just couldn't face it, the normalcy of day-to-day life as Stormbreak's Heart. She was sick of it, sick of all the responsibilities and expectations, sick of trying to be someone who she clearly was not. She'd made such a mess of her relationships. What if she made a mess of Stormbreak, too?

Don't believe anything you say anymore
In the morn, in the morning

Anju

The knife twists at the thought
that I should fall short of the mark

Traveling back to Stormbreak from the Greatwood is usually as easy as taking the skyboats, but Anju had needed to think over everything Liam had given her to consider - not that he has stopped, given they’d agreed he would accompany her back after the scare with the river star. Anju made sure to write a letter home letting them know why she had been gone longer than planned, but she wonders how much good it does when she and Liam stumble across Sohalia quite by accident.

Riya, overhead and out of touch, trumpets a noise of intrigue when Anju’s surprise pulls at her attention, beginning to wing her way back. “Sohalia?” Alarm rings in her tone as she sets off toward her leader at a run, swiftly kneeling and checking her over for any signs of harm. With no giant, adorable dragon to cheer the Heart up, Anju grimaces when she realizes it will have to fall to her to gently handle the situation - because it’s clear now that she has verified there are no injuries that this is something emotional. Not the Captain’s strong suit.

Shooting a quick, confused glance over her shoulder at Liam, Anju settles her hand on Sohalia’s elbow, expression concerned. “What are you doing all the way out here? What’s wrong?” Given the lack of immediate visible threat, she chooses to soften her voice, not wanting to startle the already upset Heart.

You're frightened by my bite
though it's no harsher than my bark

Tryin' to wash away all the blood I've spilt
This lust is a burden that we both share

Liam had insisted upon accompanying Anju back to Stormbreak after the scare with the river star, disguising his worry beneath a desire to see how the region had changed in the seasons he'd been gone. It was a poor cover - and one that he was sure Anju saw right through - but it had saved him from having to argue over whether or not she needed an escort. Which, for the record, he knew she did not.

(But what if she did?)

Their trip had been largely uneventful, and Liam had found that he was enjoying himself far more in Anju's company than he had been in his self-imposed exile in the Greatwood. It was enough to make him question - not for the first time - just what was stopping him from going home. Sure, the memories might be painful, but gods only knew that he wasn't making new memories just sitting around in the Greatwood waiting for something to happen.

Their afternoon, though, was interrupted by the appearance of what could only be described as a thoroughly unexpected surprise. There in the Oerwoud, her head on her knees, crying as though she'd lost her very best friend, sat the Heart of Stormbreak.

Liam only knew her by name, and to hear that name drop from Anju's lips left Liam gaping. Luckily, neither of the women were paying him the least amount of attention just then, and so he elected to stand awkwardly nearby, his gaze roving over the surrounding landscape for any potential threat.

Two sinners can't atone from a lone prayer
Souls tied, intertwined by our pride and guilt

Liam

Sohalia

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

Sohalia lifted her head at the sound of her name, dismay written across her face. She'd thought she'd be safe out here, in the middle of the Oerwoud where no one would find her. She'd thought that maybe, for a while, she'd be able to disappear. But she'd been wrong - again - and she quickly tried to school her face into a semblance of neutrality, never mind the tear streaks down her cheeks and her red-rimmed eyes. When she saw who it was, though, her lower lip began to tremble. "Anju," she said gratefully. Yes, this, she could work with. She could resign her post. Anju was older and wiser than her. She could have it.

Something in her rebelled against the thought. Stormbreak was her responsibility.

"I - I needed some time away," she sniffled, her voice warbling pathetically despite the too-bright smile she tried to fake. "I had some - some personal issues, and I thought - I thought -" Gods, but it was too much. Her smile crumpled and she began to cry again in earnest, drawing her knees in tighter to her chest. She hardly even noticed the man behind Anju, who seemed to be trying to give them some semblance of privacy.

"Oh, Anju, I - I'm sorry, I just -" She tried to choke out words past her sobs. "I really messed up, and now Jude hates me, and I don't have any friends, and I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm a terrible Heart, and I think I should just - quit, before I mess everything else up." Dramatic? Yes. But bless her heart, it all felt true to her.

Don't believe anything you say anymore
In the morn, in the morning

Anju

The knife twists at the thought
that I should fall short of the mark

Gratitude isn't what Anju is expecting when Sohalia lifts her troubled face, and it's clear with each wavering word that if she is seeking to reassure the Captain, it is insincere and thusly ineffective. If it did not fall apart so quickly, Anju would have surely cut to the heart of the matter, but it seems Sohalia's troubles do that on her behalf.

Anju is certainly not heartless, so as Sohalia sniffles and wavers her way through each sentence, she strokes the Heart's arm in slow soothing motions. Riya is far better at comforting but she has minutes more of flight before Anju can hastily dump the responsibility off on her companion. When the crying becomes sobbing anew, the Dragoon startles and envelops Sohalia, tilting her head close and making rough shushing noises as she files away the onslaught of emotional confessions.

"I sincerely doubt you have no friends," she starts, because Anju isn't going to touch teenage relationship troubles with a ten-foot pole. "I'm sure it all feels horrible right now. But you took Stormbreak into your hands when no others would, and have cared for it as much as you could ever since. You have been a good Heart - certainly nothing close to terrible." Great? No, but rulers are rarely ever great. Good is the best anyone can strive for in her mind. Keeping Sohalia close with one arm around her shoulders, Anju - the worst person for this task, and all business - sets about trying to fix things immediately, as is her way. "If the role is too strenuous for you right now, we can come up with alternatives. If all of it is enough to make you feel this way, then there is cause for concern." As Riya approaches close enough for the bond to snap back into place, Anju feels heavy disapproval for her wording come through and winces slightly.

"That is to say, you are still young Sohalia, and Stormbreak is not a burden meant for your shoulders alone. That is what we as your council members are here for." Though Anju isn't sure what use they will be in fixing things like first heartbreaks and self-esteem issues.

You're frightened by my bite
though it's no harsher than my bark

Tryin' to wash away all the blood I've spilt
This lust is a burden that we both share

Liam was, in a word, baffled. This was the Heart of Stormbreak? A lovesick girl? He'd known she was young, but there was knowing, and there was knowing, and however much he might sympathize with her plight, he couldn't say that he had much trust in her leadership abilities if she was going to flee into the Wilds at the first sign of heartbreak. She'd have to be made of sterner stuff than that if she was going to lead successfully.

But Anju had seen something in her, clearly, or the woman wouldn't have supported the girl's rise to power. And so Liam did his best to reserve judgment.

A part of him - the parental part - felt bad for Sohalia, who was clearly in the throes of heartbreak. Though it had been a while, he could remember his own first love, and how the world had felt like it was ending when the relationship did. Now, of course, he knew better - and so, too, would she, in time. Not that any of that was helpful, especially not coming from a stranger. So for now, at least, he remained silent, trying to give the two women their privacy as he silently judged the young Heart.

Two sinners can't atone from a lone prayer
Souls tied, intertwined by our pride and guilt

Liam

Sohalia

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

Let's all be honest: Sohalia was being more than a little dramatic. But let's also remember that she was all of nineteen years old, in the throes of her first heartbreak, and saddled with far more responsibility than anyone her age had any right to bear.

She couldn't say why this was worse than the actual breakup. Maybe it was the cruelty with which Jude had spoken to her, the way he'd laid all of her insecurities and flaws bare with a barbed tongue she hadn't known he possessed. Maybe she'd taken too much on faith, believed too deeply that they could just go back to the way things were before.

Maybe it had been unfair to ask that of him to begin with.

I think you're so desperate to be loved after Auden died that you'll take it from anyone who offers it.

Jude's voice echoed in the back of her mind, and she buried her face into her arms atop her knees as though they were branded on her forehead for anyone to see. Gods forbid that Anju see, that she know, that she agree.

Desperate to be loved.

Was that the kind of leader she was, too? Desperate for the external validation of her advisors, of her people? Did that mean that she was failing them as badly as she'd failed her best friend?

"No," she said before she could fully grasp what Anju had said, her head snapping up to meet the Captain's gaze with swollen, red eyes. "It's not - Stormbreak's not -" But she was spiraling now, struggling to hold onto Anju's words and their meaning. All she knew was that she was going to lose everything. Her best friend, her chosen family, her region - it was all slipping from her grasp like so many grains of sand.

She didn't want to lose Stormbreak. Not when there was still so much left to do. So much left that she could do.

Couldn't she?

She didn't realize she was hyperventilating until Tarak leaned against her thigh. His thoughts brushed against hers, his silent acceptance and encouragement enabling her to breathe. And for a few moments, it was all she could do to do just that, focusing on breathing in through her nose, out through her mouth, reaching one trembling hand to rest on her companion's brilliant blue plumage.

The girl tilted her head back, leaning it against the tree trunk she sat against, tears tracking down her cheeks as she stared at the canopy of the trees above.

"I don't want to lose Stormbreak, too," she whispered finally. "I just - want to be worthy of being its leader."

Desperate to be loved.

Desperate. Worthless.

Don't believe anything you say anymore
In the morn, in the morning

Anju

The knife twists at the thought
that I should fall short of the mark

Sohalia barely makes any sense with her broken sentences and crying, and Anju despairs for a moment, terrified she has somehow made this worse when she is the only one around to fix it in the first place. As much as she cares for Sohalia individually, she also represents the health and stability of Stormbreak as their Heart, and she can't separate those two no matter how hard she tries. If she messes this up, it could have long-reaching consequences.

As she begins to hyperventilate, Riya finally descends from the sky, marching past Anju and curling up on the free side where Tarak is not busy comforting his companion. Her heavy doglike head lands on Sohalia's lap, crooning a sorrowful tune and using pressure therapy and distraction alike to try and help. Anju's shoulders, strained and tense, relax immediately. Riya is far better at this than she is.

"You are worthy. Taking up the mantle is not supposed to be preceded by a test - so long as the people approve, anyone can take the job, right?" That's exactly what had happened with Sohalia as the girl will surely remember. "You don't have to prove your worth from the start. You prove it over time. And you have. You have already done so much to show how dedicated you are." The Abandoned, the training of the Dragoons, even simply making friends with the other leaders as an individual, crafting alliances without ever formalizing them. Reaching for both of Sohalia's hands, Anju squeezes them in her own sword-calloused grip, and looks deeply into her eyes. "Trust in me if not yourself. Come home with me. Everything looks more hopeful in the morning." She suspects that's what Sohalia needs most. Time and rest.

You're frightened by my bite
though it's no harsher than my bark

Sohalia

Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow

Anju's words were not the reason for Sohalia's breakdown; let's be honest, this had been a long time coming, and she'd done it to herself. That didn't make it any easier to swallow. If anything, it made things worse knowing that she'd dug her own grave and would now be expected to lie in it. And the worst part was, she deserved it, deserved to be left here in the forest to rot, to have her city taken away from her, to go back to being nobody and nothing. At least that way, she couldn't hurt anyone else.

Riya arrived, curling up near the girl and resting her head on Soh's lap. With shaking hands, the Luminary began to stroke the dragon's scales, focusing on the feel of them beneath her hand rather than the cacophony inside her brain. And slowly, slowly, as she patted Riya and listened to Anju's words, sense began to return.

Her breathing slowed; her heart calmed. And though she still sniffled pitifully, she looked up at Anju with red-rimmed eyes and listened. Despite everything, a spark of hope lit in the girl's chest. Maybe her friend was right. Maybe everything in her personal life had gone to hell, but that didn't mean she had to let it destroy her. She swallowed past the lump in her throat, but her voice was still thick when she said, "Okay," in a small voice that she didn't quite recognize. She reached up to swipe at the tears still staining her cheeks. "Okay. Let's go home."

-FIN-

Don't believe anything you say anymore
In the morn, in the morning