[SEASONAL EVENT] When you try your best but you don't succeed

REMI ABRUZZO When these weary days, when these days are done We'll be in the sun Remi found that interesting, that apparently he'd been the only one Sam had ever bit. In the moment he didn't know what to make of it, but filed it away to stew over on an inevitable night of loneliness and longing. "You will." The alchemist said softly. "And it won't. It doesn't." He added reassuringly, knowing the words were true in one sense, and the epitome of a lie in another. Were one of his shifts something domesticated or prey-based, his eyes might have rolled back out of terror revealing the whites in some blatant pantomime of willpower and restrain. Instead bits of amber and gold bled into the green of his shattered-glass gaze as his more primal instincts kicked in to try and steady himself. It didn't work of course, and Sam's lips against his skin was like acid on a fresh wound. What was worse was how his heart hammered and his throat caught unhelpfully in his chest. He knew what was coming, and traitorously, some part of him welcomed it. Whether out of some strange masochism or need for penance Remi would never know, but through the pain of it all there was pleasure just as Remi knew there would be. Grinding his teeth together in silent submission, Remi's mind echoed away, filling the enormous chamber of pleasure and sensation that Sam's bite opened up within himself. If the chasm of his anguish and grief was enormous, then this feeling made it seem tiny. But only while it lasted. When these weary days, when these days are through I'll be working my way back to you

Samuel Tell me little dear if you've only lived here, have you ever really lived at all? Sam had absolutely no idea what was coming when he bit into Remi's wrist and the shock showed in the way his hand immediately grasped tight onto the back of the chair, knuckles going white as he struggled not to gasp. The blood itself was delicious, the best thing he'd ever tasted, he could feel the strength rushing back to him..but more than that there was the pleasure. Waves of overwhelming, thrilling desire thrummed through him, making Sam's knees want to buckle. He kept himself up just about, long enough for images to appear in his mind: On his knees before Remi, gladly taking him in his mouth like the most holy of communions; Held down on a bed and lips on his neck; muffling moans with the side of his fist as he tried to stop himself screaming along with the power of Remi's thrusts... He released Remi's wrist from his mouth with a shuddering gasp of shock, falling back against the chair. Had Remi experienced it like that too? "I...that was...not how I imagined it to be. I'm sorry...I'll just...a moment." He stared at the floor and pushed a hand through his hair, feeling stronger but a hell of a lot more confused.

REMI ABRUZZO When these weary days, when these days are done We'll be in the sun Remi watched Sam stumble but could make no move to assist him. His body was still coming down off of the bewildering and disorienting high that Sam's bite had always produced and he felt adrift in a sea of conflict and confusion. Remi's hand had also screwed up into a tight fist that had still not relaxed all the way, the blood lingering in his clenched palm and too-obviously elsewhere as well. Remi let his arm fall gently back to his side, not needing to look at the puncture wounds to know that it was not actually that deep and that the marks would heal quickly. Sam had always been gentle like that. With a soulfully vacant look that said that it had indeed been the same for Remi, the alchemist nodded silently as the bookmaker said he needed a moment. For his part, Remi closed his eyes, stifling down the barrage of emotions that wanted to sob from his lips. Instead he merely placed his fingers just between his eyes and sighed into the pressure. When these weary days, when these days are through I'll be working my way back to you

Samuel Tell me little dear if you've only lived here, have you ever really lived at all? The silence where Sam's ragged breaths should have been was poignant, the moment stretching on to only the sound of the crackling fire and the scrape of the chair against the floor as he moved it fractions as he slowly loosened his grip on it. "Remi?" He asked as he looked up to see the man looking as tense and bothered as he did (and noticed that he had not been alone in noticing the eroticism of the moment). "Did...have we done that before?" Sam liked to think his mind could not create such images as he'd seen in his mind during the bite, never having been a man prone to much bedroom fantasy.

REMI ABRUZZO When these weary days, when these days are done We'll be in the sun As Sam spoke his name, wearily but obediently the alchemist dropped the hand away from his eyes to stare at the man seated so close—and yet so indescribably far—from him. Remi nodded knowing that it would not take Sam's enhanced senses to pick up the gesture subtle as it was. For a long moment Remi was unable to find or meet Sam's searching gaze. It would reveal something too true, or worse than that, it would reveal nothing at all. Though Remi wore his broken heart on his sleeves—his face, the floor—without the right contexdt Sam had already proven himself incapable of understanding. Which was expected, of course. Still, that softened nothing about it. Eventually though, Remi did look up and across; shattered sea-glass green into misty unremembered blue. "Yes." He whispered softly. When these weary days, when these days are through I'll be working my way back to you

Samuel Tell me little dear if you've only lived here, have you ever really lived at all? "Oh." Was all Sam could bring himself to say at first, a whole new list of troubling ideas coming to him. A loss of memories was painful when he didn't know what they entailed, but when he knew it involved the thing he had feared doing most and he didn't know the details? Now it was excruciating. "Did it always feel...like that?" What he meant was clear in the way his briefly flicked down Remi's body. "Why..why didn't you say we'd done it before? I..I was always scared of biting. I thought it was giving into instincts that I didn't want to have." He wasn't sure it wasn't now, still reeling from the physicality of the whole experience. If it was so intimate but Remi had suggested it anyway, perhaps he did still have feelings for Sam. That felt bizarre, Sam never having thought anyone capable of finding him attractive. "Do you..miss it?" The question was far too personal, too much for their fragile relationship of little more than neighbours, but it tumbled from his lips before he had time to consider it.

REMI ABRUZZO When these weary days, when these days are done We'll be in the sun "Yes. More so even the longer you drink for...but always like that." Remi replied obediently through lips that had gone quite dry and a face both flushing and draining of colour. With a rather unhelpful shrug, Remi gently conjured a piece of cloth to place against the bloody colon on his wrist. "You did not ask..I might have, if you had declined again." The alchemist added, running a hand bashfully through his curls with another boyish and weary shrug. "Miss..." Remi repeated, fishing for clarity as his eyes darted back to Sam's. "Miss having you bite me?" He clarified, his lashed fluttering with confusion. Taking a breath and trying to take stock of his internal thoughts despite how frenzied his senses still were, Remi tried to formulate an answer. "The times that I remember were mostly born out of need, like this. It..." Fumbling about for words he was too emotionally drained to try and catch, Remi bit the inside of his cheek which made his lips twist slightly. "It is complicated." He concluded with a weak smile that didn't reach his eyes. When these weary days, when these days are through I'll be working my way back to you

Samuel Tell me little dear if you've only lived here, have you ever really lived at all? "...Oh..um..and you still wanted to?" Another unconsidered query, the curiosity so burning that Sam could not hold the question back. Was Remi interested in him? Had he ignited a flame in the other man, a spark of desire? Was such a thing possible? Sam could not believe his body, which he had spent so many years cursing for the components and machines inside it, could inspire any kind of lust. Remi did not really answer his question, but Sam held back from asking more, finally obeying the appropriate rules for the closeness of their relationship. It felt like they were on the brink of a new conversation, anyway, and his legs were still numb from the previous ache, so Sam leaned back against the table, just sitting on the edge of it. "Were...we in...I know this sounds stupid, and presumptuous, and you would never, not with me, but...were we...together?"

REMI ABRUZZO When these weary days, when these days are done We'll be in the sun "It was always what you needed. To keep you safe." Remi replied immediately. The time in the cave Sam had told him about, twice in the labyrinth, and now... Glancing across as Sam seemed to settle against the table, Remi's brows furrowed together for just a second before he looked away, unable for his gaze to be anywhere near Sam as he asked his question. Looking out of one of the windows, Remi wondered how it could be that life was just going on while he was floundering. It was a strange thought, given just how selfless and insignificant he was and thought of himself as, and yet in moments like these the crisp birdsong and warm spring breezes felt like a personal affront to the charred and blackened places blazed away in his soul. Gently running his fingertips against the tightened muscle of his bicep, the alchemist took a breath and held it. He'd come down now from the high of Sam's touch, and now merely felt the hollowing isolation and loss that seemed to accompany him everywhere these days. And so he merely nodded his head once, his eyes still fixed on the shower of light coming in through the windows. When these weary days, when these days are through I'll be working my way back to you

Samuel Tell me little dear if you've only lived here, have you ever really lived at all? "Oh, I see..." So it had always been an obligation, then? Something Remi had had to do, not anything he wanted? The thought made Sam feel vaguely ill, that he had somehow manufactured enough situations for there to have been multiple times where Remi had had to bite him to keep him safe. He followed Remi's eyeline to the window though Sam's thoughts were different, almost hopeful. While knowing all of this was troubling, knowing that he had been with someone, that someone had let him get close...it made him feel as if he was not a lost cause. It was hard not to feel the slightest uplifted, even in the overwhelming presence of Remi's sadness. "I..hm. Wow. Um...Do...were we in love?" He'd already let so many questions he shouldn't slip by his mouth, what was one more? It was a burning curiosity anyway, something he wanted to know with every bit of him, Sam leaning forward from the table for the answer. He did not for the moment realise that Remi could still be in love if they were, that his question would be painful.

REMI ABRUZZO When these weary days, when these days are done We'll be in the sun Remi flinched visibly at Sam's question, his brows knitting together and then back again as he tried to wrangle his expression into something that wasn't so sad and crumpled. Senses heightened, Remi could almost hear the way Sam leaned forward in eager anticipation, the image of which made the alchemist want to scream. You don't get to care now. You don't get to be interested. But the man that had been the one to swing the devastating blow was not the one seated at (on) his table. The way he felt wasn't fair, having to have this conversation which was simply tearing Remi to pieces once again wasn't fair, but then again little about this was. "We..." Remi said, mouth dry as his eyes narrowed for just a moment, seeing back into a memory that had never been real. A time of ease and love, rain and prolonged mornings of luxury and love. It hurt so much to think about, the memory ricocheting a torrent of icy shards that promised it would never be. That for whatever he thought about it, Sam had other thoughts. Thoughts that culminated ultimately in a decision of the alchemist not being worth loving anymore. "..were." He managed finally in a broken and small voice, eyes still on the window. When these weary days, when these days are through I'll be working my way back to you

Samuel Tell me little dear if you've only lived here, have you ever really lived at all? Sam had the heart to feel guilty as Remi flinched, but he didn't take the question back. It was out there now and he had to know, had to know if he had been loved. In all of Sam's life, even in the parts he didn't remember, he'd never heard the words 'I love you'. They were a myth, something that happened to other people but not to him. "We...were..?" He echoed, his voice so soft and quiet it wasn't clear if this was actually a question aimed towards Remi or not. Resting back then he stared down at the floor, really getting familiar with one of the stone flags just before his feet. Seconds crawled on and he knew he should really leave, but there was so much he wanted to ask. "..D..Do you...do you love me?" Sam asked, looking up into Remi's eyes with a clear desperation in his face.

REMI ABRUZZO When these weary days, when these days are done We'll be in the sun Seconds ticked away and Remi wondered what it was Sam was doing, what he was looking at, what he looked like, but of course he couldn't bring himself to turn. He felt bound up by spider-web thin strings; so fine and fair and with none of the strength. He was suspended in this strange moment, and so long as he didn't move, his heart wouldn't break. So long as he didn't speak, he wouldn't shatter. So long as he didn't look, he could keep breathing. So long as he— —do you love me? Not a flinch, but a tremble. Not a gasp, but a chocked back sob. Not a crack, but a shatter. Turning his head oh so slowly over his shoulder, the alchemist regarded the man he had indeed once loved with a woeful and wounded gaze. "I—" The sound slipped unbidden from his lips, causing his muscles to tense as the sound filled the room far louder than he'd intended. Briefly he scanned the lines of Sam's face; the once-mapped freckles, the eyelashes he'd kissed and touched, the pale lips that had parted to meet his in a stolen moment in the temple. The body that, though he was still surprised to know it, he had touched and caressed and loved. He had loved Sam. It was why Ludo had taken the memories of him. It had been a shock to have all that had transpired filled in by someone he know longer recognized, but it hadn't been unwelcome. Remi had been slow, but not unresponsive. He'd asked for time, not space. Not abandonment. "I do not know you, anymore Sam." He said finally, tears shiny in his eyes though they didn't fall. It hurt all the more to know that after all this time, still Sam could coax water from the stone of his heart no matter the cost. That he could take and take and take, leaving the alchemist all the more broken for it. And so with a tremble lip, and an expression of pain and absolute brokenness, Remi looked back towards the window. When these weary days, when these days are through I'll be working my way back to you

Samuel Tell me little dear if you've only lived here, have you ever really lived at all? "I-" Sam's fingers gripped the edge of the table harder as what he thought was the beginning of the three words he needed to hear rang out, but then Remi stopped, looked away again. His heart did not break as dramatically as Remi's but he felt the first crack appear, unaware that it was really just one more in the many that were already snaking over the surface of his war-torn soul. "I do not know you, anymore Sam." "I...Oh..I suppose that makes sense." He hardly knew himself, and he supposed if had truly lost his memories then he was in some ways, a different person. What was the him he had lost like, he wondered? Would he have liked that man better? There was another moment of silence, broken only by the sounds of the fire and Sam's shoe tapping on the floor as he tried to channel out the anxious and sad energy in him. "..Do you...want to...know me?" He finally asked, whispering the words out to the stones.