There's still life in the Armageddon

MAEA

It had sounded like excuses to Maea, but she was not here to argue over semantics. She had not come here to argue at all, and perhaps that was how she managed to bite her tongue and let Evie speak.

She flinched visibly at being seen as insignificant. That was the heart of the problem, wasn't it. Because of how true it was. Oh, she would have done anything for the girls who occasionally came to play with her, in the name of friendship. But if it had come to a point of action, what could she really accomplish? Her father har been loving, but strict. Not one to meddle in the affairs of others - though she wondered whether it would have been different if the extent of the Wordsworth's abuse against their daughter had been exposed. Her brother would certainly have tried to help - even now she trusted him like the had trusted nothing and no one else - but would it have been enough?

That was just it. No matter what she did, it was never enough.

Evie turned to face her. The apology at least felt sincere. Anger and pain kept burning in her chest, blazing from pale eyes... until finally something broke in her and tears welled up.

"All I ever wanted was to belong. With my family. With you guys. Be of some use..." Her voice wavered, Evie's pretty face distorting in her vision. "I'm sorry I didn't realize what was going on. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to stop it."

All the long years lay like cold offal between them. Sticky and revolting, painful to look at and harder still to accept. And there was nothing that could be done about it. She could rage about it and throw blame around and nurse her slights to the chest - and it didn't matter because no one but them were left who would know or care.

That's why it was so important that at least Evie acknowledged that it happened. If she didn't - she would be alone in her grief. Going crazy trying to make sense of something that never had been sane.

"Why did you write to me? I would have been fine with wishing you well and leaving it at that. I can't go to Halo. I would never have bothered you –" Would not in a million years have believed that this woman ever gave a damn about her being alive or dead, except maybe for appearances. Because it looked good to be the first to forgive.

Had that all been the result of the forced lies, too? Was she fooling herself here, thinking there was anything more to see in Evie?

"I'm really tired of cowering, you know. Of not being good enough for anything. Or anyone. And I don't care about pretending to be nice anymore, either. Do you really want to be friends? Because if this isn't going to be real, I'm fine with leaving it here. I accept your apology. That's good enough for me - "

Sniffling against the block in her nose, red eyed yet with a determined glint in the way she gazed at the red-haired woman, there was not a hint of shame over the tears in her. They had become a close companion over the past few seasons, as numbness faded and emotions reconnected alongside senses she had given up on ever regaining.

Light is easy to love
Show me your darkness

BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3

Evie

I dreamt in the sound of your voice

and bathed in the color of your love

Evie wouldn’t have felt comfortable giving an apology without context, no matter how sincere. How could Maea truly understand her otherwise? Feel and comprehend the depths of her regret? “When you’re young and hurting, you simply can’t conceive of the idea that other people are hurting too, or that you’re perpetuating the cycle of pain.” Evie has picked up a good deal of psychology teaching in her years of growth and education, and it comes out melancholic. “And…I know it doesn’t help, but part of me is glad we didn’t drag you in,” she confesses quietly, not wanting to throw Maea’s sincere desires back in her face. “There was so much lying and performing. I admired your sincerity; I wouldn’t have wanted to see it die.” Stifled and shoved into a mold the way she and Amalia had been.

The sting of tears comes as a surprise, and she goes to blink them away only to send them rippling down her cheeks. Evie had thought herself healed enough on this topic, but maybe there was some poison lingering after all. Because all her life she has wanted to hear these words, to believe that someone had wanted to save her, that she was at all worthy of it. “Gods. Please don’t apologize, Maea. You were just a girl,” she bemoans, and cries for all three of them. Cries so hard and sudden that her throat burns and her chest feels like it’s caving in. Their girlhoods had been stolen from them, and she can feel the burned and ragged edges every day even now as a woman. “You couldn’t have saved me. I couldn’t have healed you, no matter how much I trained and tried. I’m just grateful we made it out.” The two of them out of how many lost? The injustice makes her want to vomit. Instead she just…cries. Silent and unfairly composed, because it feels wrong not to, when this is supposed to be about Maea.

She isn’t expecting it to be turned in exactly her direction, and she inhales a breath that shudders and wobbles painfully. She wipes tears off her freckled cheeks with the back of her hand, fighting for composure. “Because I hurt you. Even if you chose never to forgive me, I wanted to give you the explanation and apology you deserved.” Her ginger lashes are clumped and her eyes are stained red as she lifts her gaze to Maea. “Once the barrier was gone, once I stopped pretending, I realized I didn’t have any friends anyway. And even if it was going to be a hard road, I thought maybe we could be friends.” Nobody else would ever understand what they went through, the depth of trauma and isolation of growing up within the barrier. Everyone else had already been lost. “I know who you are. That’s the advantage you gave me, by being yourself. I just…don’t know if you’ll like me if you actually know me.” Even if she is objectively kinder, it doesn’t mean they’ll find enough compatibility for something like real friendship.

And The most beautiful thought
Is the fact that I have always loved you

MAEA

Something snagged her attention in what the Evergreen said. "Wait... go back. You tried to heal me?" Her eyes went wide with surprise. Maea had to make sure she wasn't just hearing whatever she wanted to hear. It was not something she would have expected from the girl she had known. Which... made sense, really, if all she had ever been privy to was the spiteful facade. In truth, she probably never knew her at all.

There was loss associated with that. It had Maea shaking her head, objecting to the idea that being left out had saved her from anything.
"While I appreciate the sentiment... all it did was leave me ignorant. I know it sounds flippant when you were in so much pain, but I would rather have shared in it and understood the cause than be spared to suffer the symptoms like I was. Even if I couldn't have done anything to stop it, I could have been there. For both of you. My home was safe - I would have asked you over more often."

Sitting with the regret of all the lost opportunities, it took her a moment to process Evie's worry that her true self might be somehow less palatable than the bully she had been as a child. But when she did, Maea braced her ashen hands against her knees and leaned in to stare her straight in the eyes, their noses nearly touching.

"I'm not afraid of you anymore, Evie. I have died and been twice reborn, and I live among nothing but bloodthirsty predators. I think I can handle anything you bring to the table." Sitting back again, she raised an eyebrow. "Except marriage gossip and bragging about your magic. That would be annoying. I might be tempted to find a way to put sheep droppings in your bed again." A teasing smirk tugged on her lips; half challenge, half reassurance.

Light is easy to love
Show me your darkness

BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3

Evie

I dreamt in the sound of your voice

and bathed in the color of your love

"We are all told ignorance is bliss," she demurs, though she understands the sentiment well. Sighing, her slim shoulder shrug helplessly. "Maybe I did, in another life. I have many regrets; not being braver is a big one." It's why she wears her emotions so brazenly now, and why she strives to conquer any and everything that strikes fear in her heart. It had changed her forever, and she knows it was for the better.

Given she'd failed in her attempts, it feels wrong now to pay homage to her silent efforts, so Evie looks down at her hands in her lap, fingers knotting together restlessly. "I did. My magic was far too weak, but I tried combining them to make magical poultices and other things that I thought I could pass off without suspicion. And every time I touched you..." she shrugs helplessly, recalling how few and far between those attempts had been, knowing her magic wasn't strong enough but still trying. "Only Rishima knew. But she told me time and again it wasn't developed enough." Amalia's mother had taught her everything she knew of plants and poultices, but in the end, she wasn't granted enough time and solitude to train her magic to truly spare Maea from her childhood afflictions. And now...well, she certainly doesn't need Evie's help now, not even when her magic has flourished to heal even matters of the mind. Too little too late.

Maea's nose butting up against her own startles her out of her own head, though she laughs brashly and knocks their foreheads together, charmed despite the somber mood. "I don't mean anything about fearing me. You could simply find me boring," she recoils as if it's scandalous, when in reality it's unfortunately likely. "I can't promise I won't talk magic - it's part of my job now - but I can assure you I'm no origin or font of gossip." She and Deimos live objectively simple lives, and though they're sickeningly in love, they rarely ever have drama coalesce around them of their own creation. But her smile is tentative and sweet, and she hopes against hope that Maea - curious as she'd always been and often to her own detriment - might be inclined to be curious about her. To want to discover the woman she truly is, and all she has built herself into against the odds. Because she'd quite like to do the same in return.

And The most beautiful thought
Is the fact that I have always loved you

MAEA

Absorbing the news about the repeated attempts to heal forced the albino woman to rephrase everything she had held for true in regards to Evie. It certainly did explain the rush of warmth she had always felt whenever they touched, which had stood at odds against the unease and growing resentment her attitude had bred within Maea. How could the touch of a person she was afraid of ever bring comfort?

Of course, magic lay at the center of that answer. How ironic - that what should have brought them together was what had driven them apart, yet kept building bridges and forging bonds that not even ten years and counting had managed to erase.

"I'm not scared of boredom either," she murmured absently, still thinking even as the mood gradually shifted between them, tension bleeding slowly from the air. "I'm more concerned that I'll be too jealous that you have what I don't. I miss my own gifts... it's hard to watch others do what I never can."

It was a subtle shift that took place in Maea, as her tension faded. No more fond of small talk than she had been before, the quality of her conversation took on a more familiar tone. More raw, more open - unceremoniously granting Evie the second chance she had asked for without even really announcing it for what it was.

"Did you know I helped found your academy, back when Zariah ran it? Her, me, Neron, Weaver - and Loren too. Actually, it was Loren who cured my illness. He was surprised that I had survived for as long as I did." Pulling her feet up beneath herself to sit cross-legged on the polished obsidian floor, Maea considered her old friend. "Even if you didn't manage to cure anything... nothing you did made it worse. Who knows, maybe you even kept me alive. I can't say."

It was a roundabout way of saying she appreciated the attempt. 'Thank you' did not come that easy still - baby steps.

Light is easy to love
Show me your darkness

BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3

Evie

I dreamt in the sound of your voice

and bathed in the color of your love

Evie's crooked smile - only ever so off-center when self-conscious - melts into something more akin to an understanding grimace. "I know what you mean. I still envy Deimos earning partial Attunement, and the Accepted their easy path to the gods. But we all have something that other people want." And maybe that's not the easiest thing to hear when you're actively envious, but Evie has no other answer. Maea's envy is entirely personal, but so is Evie's - even if it's not directed at the Ancient in the same way.

"I didn't know," she admits readily, equally showing more than telling that her changes were far deeper than the surface with how easily she presents her lack of knowledge. "Zariah compelled me to move to Halo for the Academy, but by time I arrived I had already naturally fallen in love with it. Loren is largely what kept me there too, when he made me his right hand in the Infirmary." Providing purpose on a grander scale than her apothecary in the Grounds could have ever reached. And although Maea's words are a compliment greater than she deserves, Evie can do little more than smile bashfully, unwilling to accept it given all the barbs and gnarls that surround those memories of fruitless effort. "Halo's openness with magic changed me forever. I can heal most anything now, even things that aren't strictly physical. I can't imagine continuing to hide it; nobody deserves that." Not even the Ascended, and Evie hopes the Ancient aren't subjected to a similar prejudice given their outward signifiers of race.

And The most beautiful thought
Is the fact that I have always loved you

MAEA

It was hard to hear, but Maea was used to doing difficult things. Swallowing this kind of bitter pill was easy compared to many things; forgiving Evie not the least among them.
If their conversation remained a bit stilted and see-saw, it could be forgiven too. It was the first time in years they'd had any sort of talk at all; Maea realized that Loren and a love for Halo was about the only thing they had in common that wasn't painful. That she knew about, at least.

"If I could, I would have made Halo my home again, too," she admitted, more softly than she had spoken up until this point. "I might always have a soft spot for it... I'm glad it could give you what you needed."

Dusting ash off her hands, Maea extended one scarred palm out towards her childhood friend. "Would you show me what you have learned?" Now that Evie no longer had to hide and Maea didn't need to turn her thorns outward anymore. "I'm doing better than I used to... but it's been so long since I was truly well that I hardly know what I am striving for anymore. If you would..?"

It was there, in the tension around her eyes, and the sag of the lips when she didn't force herself to smile. It was in the ramrod straightness of her spine, and the restless motions that hectically kept her going - because slowing down might equal falling apart again.

Light is easy to love
Show me your darkness

BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3

Evie

I dreamt in the sound of your voice

and bathed in the color of your love

"Deimos made a coat for Kiada that helps her visit," she blurts out, wanting to offer something to erase the melancholy on Maea's face; something she had never done in the past, but that she wants to be able to do now. "It's a race to get to the Citadel from the warmer areas like the Greenwing, but then the dome over the city helps too." Though she knows Kiada will need to upgrade it to have it work any better, at least it's a vain hope, a life-ring for Maea to reach for if she truly wants it that badly.

And maybe that's as much of an outstretched hand as the one Maea presents to her. Evie's heart doesn't twist anymore at the notion of peeling back her layers of protection and privacy to showcase her magic, but with Maea there is still a split-second of hesitation. Maybe it's because even the horns can't make her look any different from the young woman she knew in the grounds, even without her sallow skin and tired eyes. Blinking, that sickly ghost dissipates in the humid cavern, and Evie takes her hand without a moment more of hesitation.

"Healing is my oldest magic," she starts softly, letting the magic flow from her hand into Maea's. It sweeps away exhaustion and discomfort, strains and pains, and - if Maea did not fight it - perhaps alleviating darker things like depression and anxiety. "But earth, plants, stone...that came next." The ash on Maea's hands comes beneath her thrall immediately, tickling over her pale skin and maneuvering into shapes and designs reminiscent of tattoos, as if it had never been embedded in the microscopic fissures of her skin. When she moves on, she pulls it off Maea's skin and lets it fall around their legs, leaving the Ancient's hands perfectly clean. "Telekinesis you've already seen, but air can achieve much the same visually. Though I use it for many more things; breathing underwater mostly. I'm almost to that point." A cool rush of air comes through the cavern in a way that should not be possible, tickling at Evie's damp nape and playfully stirring up Maea's moonlight locks.

Holding out her free hand, Evie conjures water from the moisture in the air if only because it is easier that conjuring it from nothing. It pools in her cupped palm, and Evie makes it dance and rise around her fingers as she splays them, never losing a drop. "Water has become one of my strongest too." Smiling, she dissipates it, and is left holding Maea's hand with nothing more to show. "That's all I have currently." No secrets, not again.

And The most beautiful thought
Is the fact that I have always loved you

MAEA

Maea's mouth fell open, but anything she intended to say faded before leaving her tongue. There was much to unpack in the simple outburst. How a visit might not be impossible, the price Deimos might charge for such an item, what it might mean to open the door of possibility to go where she could not... And it sounded like an invitation. One she would give up an arm and a leg to accept.

Naked want danced in her eyes, and was only gradually suppressed behind a thoughtful smile. "I could probably ask Dygra, too. Or... hm. It's worth looking into." Another thought had popped up, but the didn't know how good of an idea it was.

Focusing on Evie's hand in hers instead, Maea settled in more comfortably to see what the Evergreen had learned. When the healing magic came, it was as a memory of light, of past summers and bells chiming in a warm breeze. Aches and pains flared up only to melt away into nothingness, and with them followed all the tension locked up in her spine, shoulders, neck –
A tingle in her hands had Maea glance down at them. The ash tickled as it traced patterns on her skin. The burn scars didn't seem quite as deep anymore; the skin was smoother, and a lingering resistance in her digits har eased.
Where the fresh breath of air had a shiver travel down her spine, the water brought a lump into her throat, of wistful rememberance. But unusually enough, it was more the sweet longing for an old friend this time, not the sour stab of jealousy that begrudged anyone what she could not have.

With the pain of body and soul lifted from her, only a gentle warmth remained within Maea. It softened her gaze and lifted years from her, finally matching the youthful appearance of one who had stood outside the passing of time for nearly eight years.
"You have grown so much," she hummed, taking Evie's hand in both of hers. "I'm so proud of you. You know that? This... It's all I've ever wanted to share with you."

Without shadows to shield her from her own emotions, the rush of affection brought tears to Maea's eyes again. It was overwhelming, to one who had been cold for so long. She didn't quite know what to do with all the sweet ache that burned within.

Light is easy to love
Show me your darkness

BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3

Evie

I dreamt in the sound of your voice

and bathed in the color of your love

Even the knowledge that she has given Maea something to consider is enough to soothe the burning urge to fix things that sits in Evie's chest like a smoldering ember. Maybe it will all come to naught, but at least she could try. Evie can't imagine someone loving Halo as much as she does and being unable to cross safely over her border. As one of its Wardens, she feels equally responsible for trying to bridge that gap of accessibility.

There is a youth and vibrance to Maea in the wake of her displays that leaves her quietly hopeful that they have surpassed this hurdle with more grace than the ones prior. Magic is a subject she can tell is sensitive now, though she isn't clear on the particulars of why. Though Maea had never been one such person that Evie ever felt in service of, the Evergreen has always had a mindset to be of service to most everyone given her path as a healer, and it feels right to do this for Maea now even if it may be years too late.

Maea takes her hand in both of her own, and Evie lays her free hand on the outside, squeezing because her throat won't let any words emerge just yet. "As have you," she murmurs thickly. There is the instinct to open her arms, to hug and embrace, but instead she merely bows her head closer and does not attempt to hide her own watery eyes and tremulous smile. "I, um. I do have one more thing to share. I wasn't sure if I was going to tell you so early." She sucks in an unsteady breath to try and steel her nerves. If Maea is not excited she can bear that, but if she can break down any more walls then she will do so. "I'm pregnant."

And The most beautiful thought
Is the fact that I have always loved you

MAEA

Was this what it was like, to be free of shadows? It felt good. Every breath was easy and there was no pain. A compliment warmed her and did not feel like either a trap or an accusation, and the hands in hers were only warm and comfortable. How different it was, to look around and realize that the only war being fought here was the one she had painted in her mind. It was not likely to last - her mental struggles were born of real problems that had yet to be resolved - but it was so enlightening to realize how much of the problem that actually laid within herself.

Curiosity piqued as Evie spoke up and drew her attention back to the present. The news she dropped had her suck in breath in surprise. Maea had never desired a family in the traditional sense. Had given up her own fertility a long time ago and never once felt regret - wasn't even good with kids in a teacher-student capacity - but that didn't mean she couldn't understand how important it was to others.

Carefully leaning in until her brow connected with Evie's, mindful of her horns, the soft squeeze of her hands invited to a hug if her friend so wished. "Congratulations," she hummed warmly. "That's big news indeed. Want me to keep it a secret?" Being entrusted with such an enormously private piece of information was beyond generous. Here was her chance to prove that it wasn't just words, what she had said before. Come hail or high water, if Evie didn't want anyone else to know about the baby then Maea would take the secret to the grave.

Light is easy to love
Show me your darkness

BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3

Evie

I dreamt in the sound of your voice

and bathed in the color of your love

Evie holds herself still in the wake of what she has shared, tense with anticipation. She hopes, even if she does not deserve to. She knows this news is a blessing only to some, but -

Maea's brow upon her own makes her soften and lean in closer in tandem, buzzing worries going quiet all at once. As the other woman's arms open, Evie reaches halfway, and she momentarily ruminates on how she hopes their future years look like this; each woman going halfway to make a more equal friendship than they'd previously had. Squeezing Maea firmly, heads still bowed together, Evie's held breath escapes her in a relieved laugh. "Yes, please. Though it won't be secret for long. I found out quite late, and the baby is due by Deepfrost." And while she's quite happy to have been blessed with an easy pregnancy, the otherwise scarcely noticeable addition of weight had recently been racing to make it quite obvious. But it feels important to ask for this, to trust that Maea will keep it a secret, that politics and allegiances will not sway her.

And The most beautiful thought
Is the fact that I have always loved you

MAEA

For one who so rarely hugged anyone, she'd been getting a lot of them lately. Consoling hugs, playful hugs, hugs with questions laced into them. This one felt more like hope, a quiet suggestion, a bit of reassurance; it was awkward but only because it was the first out of many. With Evie's child squeezed gently between them, Maea wondered if her status as a childhood friend of the mother meant that she could consider her a part of this new life, too. Not quite an aunt, but...

"I was born in Deepfrost too," she reminded Evie, "maybe we can share birthdays next year. Make sure you get a healer to stay near you, though." Because they both knew what had happened to Maea's mother; dead in childbirth because a blizzard kept the midwife from coming to their aid. It was not a fate she wished on either mother or child.

Sneaking a shy peck onto her friend's cheek, Maea sat back and turned her gaze to the dress. She had stopped working at some point, but now she reached for the sack of ashes and unceremoniously dumped the contents onto the garment. What had been a beautiful piece now looked sadly bedraggled and careworn. Just to be on the safe side she picked it up, flipped it over, then inside out and worked the ash into every fiber, until she considered herself done.

"There. That's covered in ash, right? I know there's a process to these things, but sometimes the gods ask for strange things." She cast a lopsided grin at Evie. "I didn't say who I'm doing the quest for, did I? It's Dygra. The next step... well, let's just say this is the clean part."

She began to fold up the garment to store it in the now empty sack.

Light is easy to love
Show me your darkness

BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3

Evie

I dreamt in the sound of your voice

and bathed in the color of your love

She does remember, oddly enough. So many things made distant and faded with time, and yet the strangest things remain. "I was too," she reminds with a laugh. "Though it's always Deepfrost in Halo." A bit of cheekiness is lent to her smile, trying not to feel intimidated by the season her child had chosen to come in. Winter births in the Grounds had been incredibly risky; Evie has seen far too many go wrong. Knowing she won't even be able to help herself even with her own magic is terrifying - but they've done so much to improve the region that she is determined to have hope, to not have the shadow of the Grounds and all those superstitions hanging over her at such an important moment. "I wish Phoebe was still around. But I'll have people on hand all the same." The head of the infirmary, perhaps Hotaru if Deimos called for her in time, and of course Zuriel, whom Evie trusts more than any human healer. Who needs a midwife with the world's sharpest-edged magical mare to oversee her? Not Evie.

Evie giggles like a much younger girl as Maea kisses her cheek, brushing her nose against pale skin as it passes by her. It aches to know they could have had this in another life. Evie has ached for a life never lived, one as an Accepted, many times, but not lately. She has come to accept her fate. Now, she wishes they'd been less lonely together, that their hands hadn't been clasped with razors between, so that each time someone tried to squeeze tighter it only made their grip slicker with their own blood. But it wasn't too late for those scarred palms to meet again. Evie tells herself this with as much certainty as she can feel.

Evie snorts a small laugh at the brazen dumping of the rest of the ashes, watching quietly. "Dygra loves chaos I've heard, and that looks chaotic to me," she compliments with a grin, making it clear without saying outright that she is not offput by the new-old Goddess' desires and drives. Reaching out a hand, she smiles a little sardonically. "Care to help me up?" Pregnancy bellies are annoyingly obtrusive, or perhaps only hers, which seems to have only started catching up on size once she became aware of its existence.

And The most beautiful thought
Is the fact that I have always loved you