The rejection stung, and the telling off over Roana was sharp enough to make her wince. She recognized burned bridges when she saw them, and hated everything that had caused such a rift to open between them. Her own poor judgement, the strong-headed stubbornness in Roana, Jigano's own unwillingness to compromise.... But most of all she hated the Voice, who was the ultimate reason why any of this happened at all. If not for her there would have been no barrier, no Abandoned ones, no Ascended and no Outlanders. Maybe she would never have met Jigano or any of the others, but she also would've had her family...
It was too much, and it all stemmed from one persons mad desire to fix something that wasn't broken. How ironic, that Maea could see parallells to her own actions there... Maybe it would have been better to leave the Hollow to adapt on it's own, when events called for it? But then, how many people would die in that process? If she could make it happen before anyone died...
Oh, Ludo. It was harder to be modest than she had thought.
"I... it's clear" Maea said very quietly, not even attempting to conceal how much it saddened her. "But Jigano, even if it's how things are right now... it's not how I want it to be. I don't want to lead, or even to farm. I don't want that to be my priority. I want to be here, as a Loreseeker, and I want to make it so that it becomes a reality.
If... you would still have me?"
It was up to him to decide. Could he trust her enough? Had she ruined too much between them that he wouldn't teach her again, or have her in the Guild? She was terrified that he would exclude her too, that she had used up all her goodwill on thoughtlessness.
But that was also the last thing she had to say about the council for now, and as she didn't know he had misinterpreted her shock over Safrin, Maea couldn't defend herself over that. She did not have anything against the Lady of stars, on the contrary. Maea wished for nothing more than to have the blessing of the goddess, and her only grudge was against herself, for being abandoned and thus unwelcome.
Against the Voice however... now there was a grudge worth harboring.
"I would rather get it over with" Maea said and reached for the tea, to cradle the hot cup between fingers made cold from the tension. But she would wait to start speaking until there was nothing else left to say; it wasn't a matter that should be mixed in with other topics, she felt.
It was too much, and it all stemmed from one persons mad desire to fix something that wasn't broken. How ironic, that Maea could see parallells to her own actions there... Maybe it would have been better to leave the Hollow to adapt on it's own, when events called for it? But then, how many people would die in that process? If she could make it happen before anyone died...
Oh, Ludo. It was harder to be modest than she had thought.
"I... it's clear" Maea said very quietly, not even attempting to conceal how much it saddened her. "But Jigano, even if it's how things are right now... it's not how I want it to be. I don't want to lead, or even to farm. I don't want that to be my priority. I want to be here, as a Loreseeker, and I want to make it so that it becomes a reality.
If... you would still have me?"
It was up to him to decide. Could he trust her enough? Had she ruined too much between them that he wouldn't teach her again, or have her in the Guild? She was terrified that he would exclude her too, that she had used up all her goodwill on thoughtlessness.
But that was also the last thing she had to say about the council for now, and as she didn't know he had misinterpreted her shock over Safrin, Maea couldn't defend herself over that. She did not have anything against the Lady of stars, on the contrary. Maea wished for nothing more than to have the blessing of the goddess, and her only grudge was against herself, for being abandoned and thus unwelcome.
Against the Voice however... now there was a grudge worth harboring.
"I would rather get it over with" Maea said and reached for the tea, to cradle the hot cup between fingers made cold from the tension. But she would wait to start speaking until there was nothing else left to say; it wasn't a matter that should be mixed in with other topics, she felt.
