[SE] A Hazy Shade of Winter

I fear no monsters, for no monsters I see.

The snow falls around her in clumps, drifting down through the fog as if from invisible tree branches. A chill runs down her spine from the cold seeping into her bones and the creepy tombs dotting the hills. Although leafchange has come to an end, the veil between realms feels thin here, as if the fog might disguise a wandering spirit or a whispered voice. She looks closely at the stone frames and their rusted iron doors. Her untrained eyes tell her nothing about who may be buried within.

Thal sighs, causing a white cloud to obscure her vision momentarily. Although it seems pointless, she hopes that the neutral grounds might serve as an ice breaker between her and Maea. The snowy weather may even be able to dampen their fiery tempers and act as a balm to painful memories. If not, they will freeze together in a foreign land full of unknown souls. Either way, Thal is determined to clear the air.

because all this time the monster has been me.

THALASSA

Maea

And I never know what to say

'Til I'm already walking away

She had never been so glad for new clothes as she was this Deepfrost. The season had barely even begun and Maea already held a newfound appreciation for socks, knitted sweaters and mulled wine, not to mention the Halo-crafted coat that kept the worst of the chill at bay. She still looked rather miserable as she came trudging through the snow. High slits in the long skirt made her new dress easy enough to walk in, but a layer of white powder was steadily building up along the hem that would soak moisture up to the knees the moment it started to melt. Bundled up in layer upon layer of wool and silk, she squinted at Thalassa through a narrow gap between hat and muffler.

"Is there a reason why we couldn't meet indoors?" Fire danced around her like so many will-o-wisps, warming the air marginally; still, it wouldn't let them stay outdoors for very long before it became dangerous.

Wanna punch you in the face

But I won't, but I might, but I won't

I fear no monsters, for no monsters I see.

Maea's approach was more welcomed than not at the prospect of clearing the air so that they could promptly leave, even if she looked like a heap of walking clothes. Thal could barely make out her pale skin peaking out around her eyes. It would be hard to have a conversation when she was tempted to laugh at the speaking bundle of fabric and fur.

She chuckled at Maea's question. "I figured we could bury our quarrel in the snow amongst other forgotten disputes. Although these ended in a different way, perhaps we can settle ours in a more civilized manner. Maybe scream at each other again until our throats go hoarse? After all, only the dead can hear us out here." Thal reached out her arm in emphasis of the empty snow hills that wouldn't cast judgement on their recent exchange of choice words that resulted in the eternal rest of her sister-in-law. Her own feelings were still hurt so she couldn't imagine the other Ancient's own emotions. With her arms outstretched, Thal gave Maea a challenging grin. "Do your worst."

because all this time the monster has been me.

THALASSA

Maea

And I never know what to say

'Til I'm already walking away

Tucking her gloved hands into the pockets of her coat, Maea followed the widespread arms to gaze across the landscape. Blanketed in white, the brightness stung her eyes even under an overcast sky, and the bitterly cold wind echoed a chill that had settled somewhere near her heart ever since their clash in her office.

"There isn't really anything to discuss, is there," she said, pale eyes turning back on Thalassa. "I asked for your assistance. You gave it, and we solved the problem. That's all there is to it." She didn't think any amount of snowballs thrown could make up for the harsh words she had been subjected to. It didn't really matter that they had been true - what hurt would always hurt, and that was that.

"I'm not holding it against you. Just let it lie."  She could be civil and polite about it if they ran into one another; it wasn't like they needed to hang around one another, and as Thalassa was a nomad they had plenty of opportunity to steer clear.

Wanna punch you in the face

But I won't, but I might, but I won't

I fear no monsters, for no monsters I see.

A heartless laugh echoed across the sparkling snow. "Oh, Maea. Don't lie to me. I'm a big girl. I can see the anger still simmering there. You don't have to pretend to be cold and dispassionate with me." Thal put a single finger in the air and indicated to the empty space around them. "After all, there's no one here to judge you or compromise your precious reputation."

Stepping closer to Maea, she whispered quietly, "Don't you hate the fact that I know your darkest secret? Or that I have higher expectations of you than you do of yourself? Or that I understood your family better than you did?" It was a low blow, but it wasn't healthy to keep such strong emotions bottled up and Thal was willing to push any buttons she could to get her to crack. They needed to let out the hurt and anger in order to move on. Their previous meeting had been about Maea's family and inner struggles. This was about her and Maea. Thal had just started developing what she might even consider a friendship with the pale Ancient and she wasn't willing to walk away just yet. Not without a fight.

because all this time the monster has been me.

THALASSA

Maea

And I never know what to say

'Til I'm already walking away

Pale eyes made gray by the overcast sky narrowed as Thalassa slithered closer. The taunting hiss brought her mind to a snake, and Maea's lips curled with a mixture of irritation and cold amusement.
"The only one who cares about my reputation is you," she pointed out, folding her arms across the chest. It annoyed her that she had to look up to meet the younger woman's gaze. "I don't have one to protect, and the only thing that pisses me off about you is how you keep focusing on my family instead of searching for your own."

Leaning down, she scooped up a handful of snow and began compacting it between her gloved hands. "You had some nerve, saying all those things to me, only to throw yourself away during the experiment. Do you think your lack of memories excuse you from disappointing your own family? You're not one ounce better than me, girl, so stop acting like it."

Clearly Thal wanted to have snow hurled at her, so Maea obliged her. The throw was swift and hard, aimed straight at her smug face.

Wanna punch you in the face

But I won't, but I might, but I won't

I fear no monsters, for no monsters I see.

The words hit just as hard as she expected and Thal smiled against the pain. "Really? Because it seems to me like you want your reputation to be of a pale, weak pacifist who killed her family instead of the formidable, ambitious rebel you're hiding inside." Every word came from her honest opinion of the woman who tried to lessen herself at every turn despite the overwhelming evidence of her capabilities. If Maea would just open her eyes and see the truth!

Thal let the sharp barb at her family bounce off her skin like spiked sandpaper, striking deeper than anticipated, but she kept the grin on her face, determined to rile Maea up. "Wasn't that your job? Sounds to me like you're just looking for more excuses."

A deep sense of vicious pleasure filled Thal as she watched the shorter Ancient form a snowball in her hands, feeling the confrontation finally starting to show through, but the mention of her actions during the experiment caused her facade to faulter. "You're just jealous you weren't able to volunteer first." Her mind went back to the lonely feeling that consumed her all day, every day. The fact that her family was most likely dead or gone and she had no one in the present close enough to call a friend was just aggravated by every waking moment. Watching people laugh and embrace in the happy moments or mourn and remember lost loved ones had her aching for a lacking connection. She didn't delude herself by thinking she was some saint trying to help save the world. She was just too much of a coward to do the job herself. The fact that Maea seemed to think that Thal thought herself better just elicited a choking laugh. "I never pretended to be." Her sad smile that accompanied it was more depressing than snide, but she shoved the emotions away to clench her teeth in a sharp-fanged grin.

It was almost a refreshing shock when the snow hit her face. She didn't dodge or brace as the snow pelted across her cheeks, falling onto her chest. The chill cooled her head enough to let her form a ball of her own. "Is that all you got?" she asked, pretending to be unfazed by the snow and words alike. With the challenge thrown, she let loose the snowball in her hand, hoping to knock some sense into Maea's head.

because all this time the monster has been me.

THALASSA

Maea

And I never know what to say

'Til I'm already walking away

Maes gritted her teeth against the frustration Thalassa sparked in her. While the snowball breaking over that smug face was satisfying, she didn't understand what the woman was trying to do.
"What's I'm supppsed to rebel against?" she wondered, ducking swiftly beneath the snowball that came flying towards her. She began scooping snow to make a second one; it ought to have been fun, but nowhere was she laughing; not her lips, nor her eyes, or even the tail hidden away from sight. "What's the point of being ambitious when I don't know what I want to do? I did intend to use myself as a test subject, but someone pointed out that it would be more trouble than help for those who would have to clean up my mess. That defeats the whole point - which is to help others."

Twisting apart her new snowball into two, she threw them half heartedly at Thalassa. "Maybe you aren't, but the way you act makes you appear that way to me. What are you trying to accomplish here? Do you want to be hated?"

Wanna punch you in the face

But I won't, but I might, but I won't

I fear no monsters, for no monsters I see.

Her snowball missing didn't annoy her as much as Maea's ignorance. "Maybe you're rebelling against the state of the world? Most people would just roll over and accept the change, but you just have to go around asking questions and stirring up trouble. You wouldn't consider your little 'experiment' an attempt to fight this change?" The anger evident on the other Ancient's face doesn't surprise her. She asked for this, after all. What else did she expect?

She began preparing her next bundle of ammunition as Maea did the same, listening to her complain about "not knowing what she wanted to do." Thal scoffed. "You just told me what you want to do: help others. And you're already finding ways to do that. That's why I could offer myself for the experiment. Because I'm expendable. You have people relying on the answers you uncover and family in the afterlife to make proud." Each word was growled out, revealing the real reason she was so frustrated with Maea. Not because she had suffered or had an innate desire to help others, but because she had purpose and yet she continued to take it all for granted. Thal hadn't let anyone close enough to show her uncertainty or insecurities about all this. Instead, she chose the hard, nonchalant mask of sarcasm and confidence to push people away. She thought that if she could force feared respect out of others, she could somehow make a place for herself in this world without needing to autopsy the cadaver of her heart.

When the two snowballs came flying at Thal, she side-stepped to avoid them this time. Her heart was racing in rising panic at the anxious thoughts filling her head. She couldn't let Maea see them, so she let her own snowball fly back in retaliation. "That's what makes us so different, Maea. I just want -" The pause was only noticed by an intake of shaking breath despite the turmoil of Thal's emotions. What did she want? Recognition? Love? Excitement?

With an angry shout, she finished, "to be seen!" The weight of her words was like a crushing realization, further igniting her temper to a fever pitch. Not waiting for Maea's response, Thal threw handfuls of semi-packed snow. It wasn't quite a temper tantrum, but her logic was starting to fray at the ends with the exposure of her vulnerability and her only method for coping was uncontrolled rage. "So why don't you just leave?! If you can't handle hearing the truth, just go back to living as a frail, inconsequential member of society and forget about me!" At this point, the chilly weather was seeping into Thal's heart, making it ache something terrible. She wanted to pull her limbs into herself and light herself on fire. Maybe then she wouldn't feel so much cold or pain. It may even feel like a comforting embrace.

because all this time the monster has been me.

THALASSA

Maea

And I never know what to say

'Til I'm already walking away

Letting her arms drop to her sides, Maea didn't try to dodge the powdery handfuls of snow that were flung her way. Harder packed snowballs collided with her chest, and in the drifting flurry of the aftermath she watched Thalassa beneath a light frown.

"I do see you, Thalassa," she responded, her quiet voice carrying well in the quiet of the wilderness around them. "I'm right here, listening to what you are saying. But I'm not interested in being a crutch for you to lean on." Dusting snow off her gloves Maea kindled an orb of fire and approached the younger woman, meaning to share the heat before either of them lost a finger.
"You seem to be under the impression that I have everything a person could ever want in life. But in my eyes, all I am doing is relying on the people around me. Danta gave me a job. Kiada and Talyson helped me fix up the office I'm using. Harper and Hotaru and Evie listen to my troubles, and somewhere between all of that I am trying to find what I am good at, what I am passionate about, which things give my life meaning, and what's worth fighting for when everything sucks and nothing makes any sense."  

Sighing, she raked loose tendrils of hair from her face, taking in the pirate before her. "I can't even imagine what it's like, having no memories of your past. I only know what it's like to lose loved ones. But what I can say is this - no one is going to help you unless you ask for it. No one is going to come swooping in to pick up the pieces of your life for you. Only you can do that. Fixing what you see as flaws in my life won't make you feel any better - trust me. I've tried that, and all it gave me was heartache and bitterness."

Wanna punch you in the face

But I won't, but I might, but I won't

I fear no monsters, for no monsters I see.

Her breaths were coming faster and Maea's words barely filtered into her head through the movement of air. The flame made her feel too hot despite the previous desire to combust, her skin crawling yet feeling too tight. She stepped away, throwing another snowball to keep the woman at a distance. "Don't - don't tell me not to lean on you then turn around and tell me about all the people you have supporting you!" Her mask was slipping through her fingertips, crumbling at the seams, but she tried to hold it together with an empty laugh and pure willpower. "You can't imagine it because we're nothing alike."

Thal refused to look at the other Ancient, pacing through the stone tombs. The quick shallow intakes of air stung her lungs, making her eyes water in frustration and a cloud of white to circle her head like a plume of angry smoke. Her pride prevented her from asking for the one thing she needed. Instead, she continued to lash out in anger. "Take your pity party elsewhere. I'm more than strong enough without anyone." A growl escaped her. This wasn't supposed to be about Thal. This was supposed to be about Maea forgiving her for causing so much pain. Now she was feeling the pain, and she didn't like it. "Just mind your own business." Her words came out more as a plea than a demand as she walked further into the snow, her body becoming stiff with cold.

because all this time the monster has been me.

THALASSA

Maea

And I never know what to say

'Til I'm already walking away

Maea let out a sigh. "Accepting help and using others is not the same thing," she pointed out. As Thalassa threw her snowball she ducked and let it sail off over her shoulder. Following the retreating figure, she had no intention of letting her get away.

"I have no doubt that you are strong, Thalassa. You have survived for all this time, haven't you? You know, I think we're plenty alike. When I look at you, sometimes it's like I'm looking in a mirror. Knowing me, I get the feeling that you're making the same mistakes that I did."

The fires died out as Maea shifted into a gore crow and flew the short stretch towards the other woman. Landing in front of her and shifting back, she fixed her gaze on hers, understanding etched into her face.

"It's scary, isn't it? Trusting people. Letting them in. Asking for help. What if they don't want you? What if they leace, or die, or hurt you just when you start to care? Being alone seems much safer, doesn't it?"  Pursing her lips, Maea tucked her hands into the pockets of her coat. Her fingers were cold. "I can absolutely leave you alone. But is that really what you want? Tell me honestly - do you like being on your own?"

Wanna punch you in the face

But I won't, but I might, but I won't