every careless word

So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core

Koa's response to the letter Sohalia had sent had been short - so short, in fact, that it had filled the young woman with trepidation. At least he had agreed to come; he could have ignored her, or refused to see her. At this point, she could hardly be surprised. After all, she'd hurt him so many times on a personal level, and then as his Heart, she'd disappeared, leaving the region they both loved in the hands of the Family. Though she didn't know much about them, her kidnapping made her wary and afraid, and she knew that she would blame herself for disappearing, if she was in Koa's shoes.

She sat at a table in the corner of a small inn in Wrenzoak's Refuge, where she'd been staying since her departure from the Greatwood. It was clear from her appearance that her health had been poor recently: she had lost weight that wasn't there to lose, leaving her looking gaunt and tired and wan. Still, she'd managed to clean up a bit since arriving in King's End, and though she wasn't exactly eager to see anyone she cared about in this state, she also knew that this reunion couldn't wait.

But oh, how she wished she knew what to expect! There was more at stake than their relationship, such as it was. Koa could tell her more about the goings-on in Stormbreak, and that could help her figure out how to proceed. She wasn't sure she wanted to go back, if she was being honest with herself, but nor could she bear it if her disappearance had caused her region to crumble from within.

And if she was worried because she wasn't sure how she should feel about seeing Koa again - about where they stood with each other, or where they were going to go next - she kept that anxiety tucked neatly away. For now.

Where is this going?
Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore

Sohalia

Koa

Don't you just wanna wake up dark as a lake
Smelling like a bonfire, lost in a haze?

The first thing he finds when he gets back to Stormbreak is the letter at his door.

He thinks it's a trick, a trap by the Family. This is how they intend to be rid of him: by baiting him out and then killing him quickly, knives in his back and his heart. It's clever, he has to hand it to them, cruel and subtle and underhanded. There is no way that the letter's real, no way Sohalia is alive and summoning him to Kings End.

And yet.

And then he's on a skyship, the paper crumpled in his shaking fist, a short reply already sent ahead by bird. It's a trap, he knows it, and yet he falls in neatly, barely an hour's hesitation before the decision is made. A quick note scrawled to Anju about his whereabouts is the only insurance Koa has to rely on, and even that, he knows, carries no weight. She's not going to be there. The letter wasn't real. Sohalia is gone.

And yet.

And then he's standing outside the inn, his heartbeat thunderous in his ears. Pip isn't here - he may be walking to his own doom, but he'll be damned if it'll be hers, too.

He thinks: An inn seems like an odd place for murder.

He thinks: I shouldn't have come here at all.

He thinks: If I go in, I won't come out again.

He thinks: And yet...

Inside, it's cozy, cramped and crowded, and yet that doesn't matter at all. Because Koa sees her immediately, recognizes her without even trying: the gold hair, the shadowed profile, the slope of her shoulders, the glint of her eyes. And for a moment he's breathless, frozen, disbelieving, because this can't be real, it can't be here, she's lost and gone and probably dead---

And then he's through the press of strangers, standing over her with his mouth agape. And the only thing he can say, can think, can feel, the only thing that chokes past his closing throat and into the heavy air between them, warbling with the weight of emotion it carries, fear and relief and heartbreak and joy---

"Soh," Koa croaks, his copper eyes stinging. "Soh. You're alive."

If you're drunk on life, babe, I think it's great
But while in this world I think I'll take my whiskey neat

So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core

As she waited for Koa to arrive, Soh wasn't sure what she expected to feel - but whatever she'd imagined was nothing in comparison to when he appeared in the doorway. It took but a moment for his copper gaze to land on her, filled with so many emotions, and she was teleported back to the last time she'd seen him, the myriad feelings that she herself had experienced upon their parting. Here he was, as handsome and strong and real as she remembered, and here she was, and here theywere, and oh gods, what did she do now?

She stood to greet him, as though the movement would somehow allow her to shed some of the emotions that coursed through her veins, but the joy and fear and shame and guilt followed her even then. Wringing her hands, she took a step in his direction, wanting to reach out but afraid of what might happen if she did.

Tears filled her eyes as he croaked her name, and she almost fell to her knees right there in the inn because gods was it good to see a friend, to realize that she had been missed, to know that someone had cared enough to want to find her. And despite everything, she thought that perhaps there was relief mixed in on Koa's face among all the other feelings on display, and that warmed her more than anything since she'd woken up in the Greatwood had.

"Koa," she breathed, wrapping her hands around herself to keep from taking another step, and another, and throwing herself into his arms for a hug. But, gods, how she craved a friendly touch, when it had been so long since she'd even seen a friend. "I'm so sorry," she whispered after a beat, and her silver eyes overflowed as she tried to gather her thoughts. "The Family took me, and... I - I wasn't strong enough to fight them."

Where is this going?
Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore

Sohalia

Koa

Don't you just wanna wake up dark as a lake
Smelling like a bonfire, lost in a haze?

His name is a sledgehammer wielded in her whisper, knocking the air right out of his lungs. "You're alive," he says again, a statement of the obvious and yet so wondrously unexpected that he feels he has to keep repeating it until he can believe it's true. He doesn't step toward her, doesn't sweep her into his arms, though the muscles in his body all scream to do so, ache with the absence of confirmation that it's really her.

All of this could still be a trap, after all.

"I know." Koa's mouth is dry, and the words are drier, still barely more than a bone-rattle rasp. "I was there." I couldn't stop it, rings the guilty verdict that he's hung as a millstone across his shoulders, worn as a brand for all these months. "I came to find you, but he was already grabbing you. And before I could do anything you were gone, and I was in the Wilds."

It had all happened so fast.

He shifts his weight, shoves damp palms into his pockets, does anything to keep from rushing toward her - or worse, falling to his knees in apology. "What happened after?" His eyes rake attentively over her body, assessing for injury, for proof she isn't real. And if she is - what did they do to her? And how did she escape?

If you're drunk on life, babe, I think it's great
But while in this world I think I'll take my whiskey neat

So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core

You're alive, Koa repeated, and Soh just nodded dumbly, unsure what to say. She'd never intended to be gone for so long that people had begun to think her dead. What did one say to an almost-ex-boyfriend who had apparently thought her lost to Mort's realm forever? Who had come running the moment she'd called? Had she made a mistake in asking him here, stringing him along yet again in some unintentional extension to the game they'd long since stopped enjoying together? She'd learned some time ago that her intentions rarely seemed to matter - it was the outcomes that seemed to haunt her, even when she was trying her best to do the right thing.

She was terrified that this would be the same, that the relief in his eyes would turn to hatred when he realized just how much of a failure she'd been - not just to him, but to everyone.

That Koa had been there, had tried to stop her kidnapping, took the breath from Soh's lungs in a sharp exhale. "You - you were there?" she gasped. "But you - you're alright?" Gods, if he'd tried to stop the man who'd kidnapped her, he could have been hurt, or even killed! What was he thinking?

And then the talk shifts to after, and Soh's arms tightened around her middle, as though she could hold herself together if she only tried hard enough to do so. "After they'd taken over Stormbreak, they let me go," she said. "I... I was so afraid, and I ran. I thought, if I could just get out of Stormbreak, I could make a plan and figure out what to do. But then I got sick - I think it was the Void flora, maybe, but I don't remember much. I woke up a few days ago in the Greatwood. A Fae had been taking care of me. I didn't realize how much time had passed, and now..." She trailed off, unsure. Now it might be too late.

Where is this going?
Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore

Sohalia

Koa

Don't you just wanna wake up dark as a lake
Smelling like a bonfire, lost in a haze?

"As alright as I can be." Considering I thought you were dead for seasons. "Took me a while to recover, and get out of the Wilds. At least I had Pip." If he'd been alone, gods only could have saved him. And then there had been time spent in Torchline, and the time in King's Edge, and LongNight, and finally the strength to return to Stormbreak, only to find that letter waiting, and now...

...Well, now they're here.

He falls into silence as she explains, his expression stoic, attentive, calm. But if one looked closer they might see the way his fists clench and unclench; the throbbing muscle in his forehead; the cold glint of his copper eyes. This is not the story he expected, not even remotely close to what he predicted. This is dangerously close to the propaganda that They fed Stormbreak, that he refused to hear.

"They let you go?" He repeats it with quiet incredulity, not sure he's properly understood. "And you... just left?" No word, no letter, nothing for seasons, only the overwhelming weight of guilt and anxiety digging grooves into his shoulders with its miserable claws.

"No." Koa's head is shaking, then, disbelieving, as though to dispel these impossible thoughts. "No, you-- Soh, why?" Why didn't she so much as leave a note? Why did she abandon their home, why didn't she go for help. "I thought-- I looked for you, I thought they'd taken you, that you were being tortured or killed and I'd failed to stop them---"

He stops, choking, not sure how to reconcile this. She'd promised to be Stormbreak's heart, then left it with a gaping wound in its chest.

Just like she'd once done to him.

If you're drunk on life, babe, I think it's great
But while in this world I think I'll take my whiskey neat

So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core

She wasn't sure what she was expecting. Hatred? Anger? Disgust? She certainly hadn't expected to fall into his arms, to pick up wherever it was that they'd left off all those moons ago, and yet... perhaps there was a part of her that had hoped. Not, maybe, for a rekindling of their romance - which had been rocky at the best of times - but for a welcome that was friendly, relieved even - something that she could lean into, someone who she could lean on as she figured out where to go from here and what to do next.

But, alas, it seemed that whatever her wishes, such an idyllic reunion was not to be.

The girl winced at the accusation in Koa's voice as he repeated her words back to her - an accusation that was well-deserved, she knew - and looked down, unable to meet the dragoon's gaze. "I'm sorry," she whispered, knowing that it would never be enough, that she had probably placed the final nail in the coffin of their relationship, this time for good. It didn't matter that she'd been afraid, that she'd been ill, that she'd nearly died in the months since her kidnapping - for it she'd simply been braver, more determined, a better leader, none of it would have happened.

Everything that had befallen them - Koa, Stormbreak, even herself - was entirely her own fault. She had no one to blame but herself.

"I was afraid, and I wasn't thinking clearly. I thought I could make a plan to come back, maybe find some help or allies or something, but then..." Then she'd fallen so ill that she hadn't even known what season it was, and all of her good intentions had been scattered to the winds. Her mouth twisted, anger and guilt and self-loathing welling within her. What else was there to say? She'd failed, and that was all there was to it.

Where is this going?
Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore

Sohalia

Koa

Don't you just wanna wake up dark as a lake
Smelling like a bonfire, lost in a haze?

He doesn't mean to accuse her like this. There's a part of him: the mature, smart, capable part; the part that could be chill through rejection; the part that could navigate the layers of complex relationships and still come out A Pretty Good Guy. That part of him understands that this isn't the slightest Sohalia's fault. That she was scared and threatened and did the smartest thing - the only thing - she possibly could. Somewhere in the recesses of his soul, Koa knows she didn't mean to leave him them.

If only that part of him were at the wheel now.

Somewhere down the road his right hand grasped the back of his chair; now his knuckles are turning white, the wood straining beneath his tightening grip. Her expression is shifting and vibrant. His stays blank, unreadable and pale. "But then what?" He's managed to stabilize his voice, to quell the trembling in his throat. "You were too sick to send word? To write?" Now the words are flat strained, tight with the effort of self-control.

"Are you infected, Soh?"

If you're drunk on life, babe, I think it's great
But while in this world I think I'll take my whiskey neat

So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core

She didn’t mean to leave him, or to leave Stormbreak – except she did, didn’t she? When she had fled her home and left it in the hands of the Family, she had abandoned the people she had sworn to represent and protect. And somewhere in the back of her panicked mind, she had known what that meant, had known what the consequences would be, and she had done it anyway.

She’d never been good enough to be Stormbreak’s Heart. She’d never been good enough to capture a part of Koa’s.

She could feel reason slipping away as she descended into a vicious sense of self-loathing that had her wrapping her arms around her middle, as though that could help her hold it together just a little bit longer. Koa deserved better than her. Stormbreak deserved better than her. Maybe this was what had to happen to show her that she was just a stupid, naïve, incapable girl who would never be able to do anything right. Maybe they were all better off without her.

”Are you infected, Soh?”

A breath passed as she absorbed the question, her brow creasing with a confused frown. Then pure fear took over as she realized she’d never thought of the potential lingering effects of her illness. Infected? She couldn’t be, could she? But would she even know? She swallowed hard, swaying in place as the implications washed over her. Pale and lightheaded, she found that she suddenly couldn’t even focus on Koa’s face, so intense was her panic.

But her silence was damning, wasn’t it? She had to say something, anything to convince him that she was her, no matter how useless and fucked up and worthless she turned out to be. Even that had to be better than being infected. ”I – don’t think –” She couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t be infected. Except… she could. ”I don’t know. How would I know?”

Where is this going?
Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore

Sohalia

Koa

Don't you just wanna wake up dark as a lake
Smelling like a bonfire, lost in a haze?

It doesn't matter whether or not Soh deserves his heart. What matters is that, for better or worse, a piece belongs to her.

And right now that piece is breaking, over and over again.

It should be Jude here. That's what Koa thinks as he watches Soh twist in on herself, helpless to help her as his own pain and pride pound within his ears. Soft, sweet, generous Jude - he could give Soh what she needs, could put aside his sense of betrayal and wrap her in his arms. Promise that it's okay now, that she's safe and that he's here and that they'll figure this out, somehow, together. It should have been Jude from the start, because clearly Koa cannot cut it. He's never been able to be what she needs, to protect her, to make her stay---

"The Gods know." He's still so flat, so matter-of-fact, a mask of strained calm to drown out the roar. "You could ask them. Or- I guess, what do you think about the Family, now? And the Void?" Everest had said the void corrupted creatures wouldn't hurt him. Maybe if Sohalia had been infected, she'd have escaped her ordeal more unscathed.

Fingers unclench on the chair back, then tighten again. Unable to look directly at her, Koa's eyes instead sweep across the handful of patrons, his glare tightening at any who dare so much as glance their way. "What will you do now?"

If you're drunk on life, babe, I think it's great
But while in this world I think I'll take my whiskey neat

So here's to everything coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core

It was almost impossible for Soh to process all of the emotions that had overcome her in her panic, much less for her to understand Koa's. So it was that the flatness of his responses washed over her and, for once, she failed to read between the lines, to pick apart the distance and the disgust and everything else that was left unsaid between them. Instead, she curled in on herself, desperately searching for any sign that she was still her.

The problem was, she'd lost sight of who she was long ago.

"T-the Family?" she repeated dumbly, still scrabbling for mental purchase, a steady place upon which to stand. "They're - they can't be trusted," she said slowly, grasping for words as her panic began to wane. Surely, if she'd been infected, she would have a different opinion? Her breathing began to slow, and she added fervently, "And the Void is evil. It nearly killed me." There. An opinion that felt like herself, even if she was still trying to figure out who that was now.

But who she was now and who she'd been when Koa fell for her... well, they were two different people. And they had vastly different ideas of what to do now. Later, she'd look back on this moment and guess that despite everything, some part of him probably wanted to hear her declare her love of Stormbreak, her determination to reclaim her throne. But she was so very tired of fighting, so incredibly ready to bury herself under a rock until the storm blew over. And honestly? She didn't really know if she believed she was the best thing for Stormbreak anymore.

So when he asked what she would do now, there was no ready answer, no prepared fervor. Instead, her shoulders slumped and her gaze fell, and she said simply, "I don't know."

fin

Where is this going?
Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore

Sohalia