and I don't wanna let them down

// I tried to scream but my head was underwater //

They did and did not. Whatever answers she found were no doubt both harsh and unforgiving, in ways that would have a therapist raise their brows and ask in a voice, not unlike Danta's, whether she would say those same things to anyone else. The answer to that was of course no. Why? Because she expected a lot more of herself than she ever would from another person. Not least of the things were responsibility, accountability, patience - all things she had failed to provide anyone for a long time.

Perhaps this was her cue to start, before she fell any further in her own esteem.

Remi's probably chased her gaze down from the rafters and onto him, wide eyed with painful hope. Then he went on, questioning her motives... and Maea found that any answers she had were muddled and complex, tangled roots that wound all the way to a core of what has to be... loneliness, right?
"Well... he was kind to me," she tried to explain, starting with the most obvious reason. "They've all been. Welcoming, tolerant, generous... I've done a very poor job of repaying any of that. So I feel like I owe them anything I can give in apology, at least." But he was right, making up with the Butcher now would mean accepting who he was, what he did... and a flicker of uncertainty entered her pastel gaze.

"Besides that... I worry. About where I will end up, if I can't accept these people. If I can't live with them, and with Dygra, how can I live with myself when... when I share the same urges? At the end of the day, he and I... we're not that different. If our places were reversed, it could easily be me who did all of those things. It's nothing but chance that gave me a good upbringing while he had to fight to survive."
If it was love, it was a different kind from the usual romantic one. Familial, perhaps, or even the desire for family not yet blossomed. "I guess, ultimately... I rather selfishly don't want to be left out of what they have. They are so... free, Remi. In ways I have never been. If I can, I would like to learn from them."

So in the end, perhaps it was simply admiration? Maea shrugged, unable to explain it better.

Maea

// They called me weak, like I'm not just somebody's daughter //

the bastion

Lifting his eyebrows, Remi tried to soften the edges of what he wanted to next say and found it incredibly difficult. Wishing desperately for his husband's silver tongue, eventually, the Bastion simply closed his eyes as he said: "Forgive me, but...those seem like very thin reasons." He knew from experience what it was like to be drawn in by just the tiniest modicum of kindness, and it pained him to see Maea on the verge of twisting who and what she was in an effort to belong. Especially with the sorts of people who, from what he'd heard thus far, weren't willing to change at all for her. "This ancient will probably need time and space, a good deal of it. The feeling you have of wanting to apologize, to make amends, just remember that so long as they aren't interested, anything you do will likely just fall on deaf ears and make things worse." He counselled carefully, opening his eyes and sighing softly.

As for the rest of it?

"You could always live here." Remi says, his shrug perhaps a touch more casual than the situation calls for. But then, having moved often, it was easier for him to simply pack up and leave when the situation required it of him. "Isla does, happily, but all accounts." He and the Remedy hunted together often, and from what he could tell, she wasn't disadvantaged at all as an ancient for not living in the Grounds with the rest of them. "It's perhaps also worth pointing out, and maybe it's because you never really noticed it before having been an ascended for so long, but this is not simply because you are an ancient. This is just what it means to be a predator." Perhaps, at their core, that's what it was to be an ancient as well, but gods if half the attuned population hadn't struggled with the instincts that took over.

For a moment Remi's brows flinch together as he lowers his eyes, inspecting the lines on his palms. "That sort of freedom comes with a high price as I think you've seen." He murmurs. "Right and wrong become...irrelevant." With how much Maea seemed to care about the intrinsic morality of the issues she found herself pressed up against, Remi couldn't see how she was ever going to be able to just let it all go.

I got a feeling inside that I can't domesticate
It doesn't wanna live in a cage,
A feeling that I can't housebreak

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

// I tried to scream but my head was underwater //

Picking listlessly at a seam in the pillow, Maea sat quietly, not sure what to say. He was right, probably. It wasn't as though her life depended on adapting to the old ancient ways. There were other places, other paths, and most of the options would likely be easier on her than this one. But it wasn't as easy as just picking up and moving. What about the guild Edmund had entrusted to her? What about her office, and the wealth of knowledge contained within the Atheneum? The ruins of the house she had grown up in still sat where it always had, the orchard still produced apples in the fall, and on clear days the Spire could be seen from the Temple square, looming like it always had on her horizon. To pick up and leave - again - was like saying she didn't need any of those things anymore. No different from admitting that the girl she had been - the one who had helped him plant seeds in her garden - really had died, and all that she'd been holding on to for all this time was... nothing but a ghost.
She'd have to take orders from Hadama, probably. And from Flora. She would have to learn to love a winter without snow. If Danta was right and there was crime anywhere, everywhere, she would still have to learn how to look away from the underbelly of the city, or accept this particular brand of shady for what it was. And there was the matter of her promises.

"After I was thawed from stone," she murmured quietly, staring at the pillow without really seeing it, "I promised myself that I would stop running away. I'd already promised Amun I wouldn't leave him, so I swore I would give the Grounds the chance I'd never given it before. And I'd properly give Dygra a chance, and this family I apparently belonged to - at least according to Danta - and I'd learn to change. To stop being afraid of... everything. Or at least myself." Her eyes were starting to burn. Blinking furiously to make it stop before she started crying again, so damned sick of weeping at every turn, she dragged in a harsh breath. "If I just pack up and leave now... I feel like I'd be running again. If they don't want me there anymore, that would be one things. But at least... I have to at least try."

And pray that she could learn when to let go before anyone else got hurt. Them or her.

Maea

// They called me weak, like I'm not just somebody's daughter //

the bastion

Inhaling quietly, the Bastion listened. Picking up the feather, he softly settled the strands back into place as he nodded. "Amun never saw the Grounds the way it is now, though." He points out. "And as I said, Isla seems to be doing just fine down here." Unsure if this was one of those times where he ought to take his own advice about trying to convince someone of something they didn't want to hear, he thought he'd at least give it one go before letting the subject lay. "I think as long as you view the Grounds as being the same place you grew up, you're never going to stop fighting the changes it seems Danta and the others are making, and based on everything you've said, you're never going to be able to accept them." Remi continues gently. "And once you view them as being different, I don't think any of the promises you made about staying matter anymore." He could understand her stubbornness, her want to stay where she'd decided to make a home, but when politics and morality started to infringe on things, unless she was willing to try and make a bid for leadership, there was nothing at all to be done about it.

"It sounds like those you're close to in the Grounds don't have your best interests in mind, and that you don't like the way they behave on a fairly fundamental level. If you want to know what I would do were I you, I'd leave it. What else is there? Avoiding this other ancient for a few years? Staying away from Danta and the Dusklight? Swallowing your own thoughts and trying to stay out of everyone's way? How is that the best alternative?"

I got a feeling inside that I can't domesticate
It doesn't wanna live in a cage,
A feeling that I can't housebreak

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

// I tried to scream but my head was underwater //

"... I don't know."

The trouble was, he was making too much sense. Echoing thoughts she'd already voiced to Asta, concerns she'd aired before Danta, worries neither men had responded to except to say they were already doing their best. Asta was already compromising. Nothing they had done would displease Dygra. Compared to what they were used to, this was merciful and generous, why was she not content with that?

Rubbing the bridge of her nose, there was tension there that would turn into a headache before dusk settled in. The houseboat was warm and comfortable, offering a stellar view of the pouring rain outside - far more peaceful than her haunted office or the constantly drafty cottage she barely returned to. It should be an easy choice. Between this and that - it just wasn't her first choice. Or even the second.

"Somehow, I doubt your daughter would be thrilled to have me live here, based on how our first encounter went," she murmured. It was an excuse, and she didn't expect him to believe that was her sole reason. "But... I'll think about it. Properly, I promise." It wasn't the kind of decision she could make here and now. And even if it were, she still had to return to the Grounds. Had to speak to Danta, and Asta too if he could stand to look at her, and visit all her special places to see - really see - what had become of them.

Maea

// They called me weak, like I'm not just somebody's daughter //

the bastion

"Maea.." Remi implored. Leaning his head loll to the side he looked at her, very much wanting to shake her out of the gloom that had settled over her like a delicate hoar frost. "If you go back now and you try and fix this, even if all you do is try and apologize, you're going to make it worse." The third time would not be the charm, he was almost sure of it. Especially not if her first inclination after forcing this ancient to run away from her was to continue to give chase.

"Ah, well. Unless you've broken Flora's heart she's actually quite good at not letting her personal grievances affect her politics." Which was more than could be said for the Maverick (at least until he admitted his feelings for Asta).

Feeling as though they'd necessarily come to the end of it, Remi folded his fingers together and merely stared down at them in his lap. Nothing about their conversation had felt at all successful or helpful, and, in the selfish corner of his own mind, the Bastion wondered what he might have done better, where he'd gone wrong. No doubt Ronin would have known what to do, what to say.

"I'm sorry Maea, I know that this isn't an easy situation, and I know you didn't mean for it to become this."

I got a feeling inside that I can't domesticate
It doesn't wanna live in a cage,
A feeling that I can't housebreak

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

// I tried to scream but my head was underwater //

The plea in his voice twisted in her gut like a knife. Touched by the way he cared as much as it pained her to hear his bleak predictions, Maea extended a hand for him, palm up; it wouldn't be a pleasant experience to share her emotions now, but if he wished to she would accept him.
"And if I don't go back, I am a coward who can't face the consequences of my actions," she returned, with a weary smile. "How about a compromise then? I'll only talk to Danta, and not try to seek out Asta. And depending on what is said... I'll decide whether to stay or come here. Alright? I just can't... disappear. Not after everything he's done for me." Not after he had asked her to stay. Thanked her, even, for not leaving. She couldn't remember when anyone expressed that to her last.

Sighing, she stretched her shoulders to at least try and ease some tension. "I'm sorry too. And grateful to you, for listening. And for speaking your mind. The honesty... I really needed it." She didn't mind bluntness, or harsh truths. Knowing it came from a place of caring made all the difference - which was another lesson and realization she made today.

Maea

// They called me weak, like I'm not just somebody's daughter //

the bastion

Lifting his eyes, Remi reached for Maea's hand without thought. The spray of spilled oil that glistened brightly with a myriad of competing emotions coated their connection, sparkling with onyx hues that reached and spread. It should have made him shiver or perhaps recoil, but all he saw in it was someone lost and lonely and looking to save the few connections she'd made. "Just...just ask yourself if you're doing it because it's what's best for them in the aftermath of all of this, or if it's what you want." Selfishness, as she'd noted, had been a guiding force in what had ultimately led her down this path and now it seemed to be the liferaft she thought she'd ride out the roughened sea of consequences.

But, some instincts just couldn't be ignored, just as some lessons had to be learned the hard way, again and again.

"I only wish I was better at it." Remi murmured with a small smile, his thumb sliding along the ridge of her knuckles and then back again. "You'll get through this, Maea. It might not be easy, but you will."

I got a feeling inside that I can't domesticate
It doesn't wanna live in a cage,
A feeling that I can't housebreak

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!

// I tried to scream but my head was underwater //

Gratitude bloomed like ripples of clean water through the spidery web of emotion. She nodded, earnestness a breath of light in the otherwise dark and dreary woodland of worries and regrets. "I would hope that both could be possible... but I'll be careful not to do anything to escalate this further."

Scooting over a bit closer so that she could lean her shoulder against his, Maea's own thumb tapped back in warm acknowledgement of his efforts. "You're good enough for me," she assured him, her smile returning with more strength. Especially as the reassurance dropped past her defenses and sank like a stone through her consciousness, to settle like a warm glowstone at the back of her mind. Comforting, reassuring; when Remi said it would be alright, she could believe it.

"Want to know a secret?" she mused. "I don't think I could have told Ronin half of this. He's sort of been a hero of mine for so long, it's still a bit unreal when I get to talk to him. Confessing my deep dark secrets to a literal White knight would be... mortifying." Not that Remi couldn't be just as gallant when he wished to be. "Hope that's not upsetting in any way."

Maea

// They called me weak, like I'm not just somebody's daughter //

the bastion

Softly pressing his shoulder against hers in acknowledgement, Remi chuckled under his breath as he watched her small thumb slide across his skin. Gods, with his magic and his attitude being what it was, it had been so long since anyone other than Ronin (or Isla, lets be honest) had sat with their hand in his that he almost forgot what it was like.

Lifting his eyebrows and lowering his head to catch the words of her secret as if they were anything but alone in the houseboat, her words have a bemused smile tugging at Remi's lips. No doubt Maea will feel the way the golden panels of the Bastion's emotions are clouded over briefly, though not for a second do they lose their warmth. He'd had much worse things said about him and to him the past, and gods it wasn't as if Maea was wrong. "There is not a single person in all of Caido who would fault you for saying I am not as good as my husband." He chuckles, before glancing at her over his shoulder and winking.

"Come on, let's make a proper cup of tea that we actually drink before I send you on your way, mm?"

~FIN

I got a feeling inside that I can't domesticate
It doesn't wanna live in a cage,
A feeling that I can't housebreak

Code blatently stolen from queen of codes, Sky!