JUDE
the light of dawn is coming
Jude laughs something like a cough, the smoke in his lungs bitter and sour compared to the grief in Koa's. It's easier to be angry, to hate and hurt, because what-ifs and whys cut deeper and he doesn't want to look behind their looming shadows to see the bleeding arteries of childhood hopes that had never grown up. "Yeah, and didn't come back until one of your soldiers pulled me outta the wreckage of Starfall. All he cared about was his guilt." And for better or worse Jude had known too much about those feelings, his dad an open book who'd tried to teach emotional honesty from a place too fragile for success. But Jude doesn't want to empathize, because when does his hurt start mattering? "Always said he wouldn't disappear like my moms. What a joke," he croaks, the huffed exhale of dark humor not managing to conceal the thickness of his voice. He may have abandoned Jude, but Jude would prefer that over him being dead.
For all his hands are painfully cramping with how tightly he clings to Koa, Jude doesn't expect an invitation to move in. Koa soldiers on - hah - drowning Jude in explanation and options that still can't distract from the startling shine of the initial offer. His jaw is slack but not quite so improper as hanging loose, or his maman would be horrified.
Gods, will he ever escape the desire to be good for parents that stopped wanting him? To do as they say to the letter so that maybe they'll love him enough to stay? He'd stayed in Torchline to bitterly display that at least someone in their family knew the meaning of loyalty. Secretly, he'd hoped that if they ever came back, Jude would have somewhere to welcome them home to. A foundation to build upon.
But they aren't coming back. Jude's loyalty doesn't mean anything, to his family or to Torchline.
"Um. If - if your dad will be okay with it." It's a weak backdoor failsafe, but Jude wouldn't be able to bear being told to leave for different reasons if it comes down to it. A perfect, heart-preserving lie to keep in Koa's back pocket. Jude slowly leans forward until his forehead comes down on Koa's shoulder. His fingers ache as he unclenches them from the other man's shirt one by one. "If you're sure." It's a tiny whisper. Noe, Kimo - their opinions don't matter as much as Koa's. To offer this to Jude despite their history is a kindness Jude doesn't feel he deserves, but Koa's storybook princely traits are his only lifeline. Jude will just have to harden his heart against...everything he feels about the Dragoon, so that if Koa comes to regret his decision, it won't finish Jude off for good.
He can definitely manage to do that.
- Fin!
For all his hands are painfully cramping with how tightly he clings to Koa, Jude doesn't expect an invitation to move in. Koa soldiers on - hah - drowning Jude in explanation and options that still can't distract from the startling shine of the initial offer. His jaw is slack but not quite so improper as hanging loose, or his maman would be horrified.
Gods, will he ever escape the desire to be good for parents that stopped wanting him? To do as they say to the letter so that maybe they'll love him enough to stay? He'd stayed in Torchline to bitterly display that at least someone in their family knew the meaning of loyalty. Secretly, he'd hoped that if they ever came back, Jude would have somewhere to welcome them home to. A foundation to build upon.
But they aren't coming back. Jude's loyalty doesn't mean anything, to his family or to Torchline.
"Um. If - if your dad will be okay with it." It's a weak backdoor failsafe, but Jude wouldn't be able to bear being told to leave for different reasons if it comes down to it. A perfect, heart-preserving lie to keep in Koa's back pocket. Jude slowly leans forward until his forehead comes down on Koa's shoulder. His fingers ache as he unclenches them from the other man's shirt one by one. "If you're sure." It's a tiny whisper. Noe, Kimo - their opinions don't matter as much as Koa's. To offer this to Jude despite their history is a kindness Jude doesn't feel he deserves, but Koa's storybook princely traits are his only lifeline. Jude will just have to harden his heart against...everything he feels about the Dragoon, so that if Koa comes to regret his decision, it won't finish Jude off for good.
He can definitely manage to do that.
- Fin!
ready to return everything the darkness stole
