// I tried to scream but my head was underwater //
Sighing at the non-answer that left it all to her to decide what to tell and how much, she kicked at a loose rock and watched it skitter down the path, to be swallowed up by the darkness. Considering while Liam inspected the cavern wall, it seemed they would remain here for a while; just as well, if they would be talking in addition to mining. Shrugging the backpack off her shoulders, Maea sank down to sit on her heels, spine reclining into the rock behind her. Absently her head ticked from side to side, pale horns sending vibrations through her scalp as they connected with the wall.
"Long story, then," she murmured, because she might as well tell all of it, if she didn't want to repeat the situation with Thalassa. And after some fumbling for a place to start, she went all the way back, to what felt like a second birth.
"I spent the years after the War as a statue in the woods, until Danta found me. It was hard to adjust, both to having a real body again, and to the ways the Grounds had changed from what I knew. I struggled with the bloodlust, with another change of divine allegiance, and while I made some friends I never quite... felt like I fit in." Her story unfurled in cadance with the ringing pickaxe, interrupted only briefly when she changed spot to avoid stray rocks from hitting her.
"One of those friends has a... shall we say... colorful past. His dietary choices are rather extreme, and I struggled to accept them from the start, but was told that he didn't indulge his appetites anymore. About two years ago I found out that it wasn't true. I caught him in the act of torturing a criminal, and we argued. Later, I sought him out to apologise for some of the things I said, but instead of fixing anything, it just got worse. He panicked after I accidentally triggered a trauma of his, and when I followed to try and help, he attacked me. Mostly to get away, I think. Not realizing that at the time though, I kept beating him back, until we were both bruised and exhausted. I kept saying stupid shit, just letting my tongue run, and... it ended about as badly as it started." Reluctant yet determined not to leave anything out, she described the conversations, her request to be held in check lest she succumb to the dark tendencies she feared in herself, his answering threat to kill her, and the listless suggestion that he should go ahead.
"We haven't spoken since then. Danta banished me from the Last Whisper, I tried apologising through letters but it's... probably hopeless to expect any forgiveness at this point. When I told Thalassa about all of this, I left some stuff out and kept a few of the details vague because she's friends with the guy, she didn't want to get involved, and I... felt so shitty about a lot of it that I didn't want to drag it up again. Didn't think it mattered.
"But, apparently it did. A few days ago she came to my house, practically scorching the ground with anger, demanding to know why I hadn't told her everything, why I was being mean to her friend, why I don't care about our friendship..."
Bringing her hands up to her face, Maea pressed the butt of her palms against her eyes. Made them sting, sending flashes parading across her vision – wishing she could cry about it, but had worried herself numb to all emotions save a deep, leaden chill that wrapped around her spine.
"We almost managed to settle the matter, agreeing to disagree about our common acquaintance, but then - as usually not knowing when to stop talking ‐ I said that I would keep my distance from the other ancients for my own peace of mind. And she took that personally, wondering if it included her as well. And I... couldn't find a good answer to give her. She left, saying I knew where to find her when I got lonely, and I let my temper get the better of me. Said I'd rather be alone than in the wrong company... and now here we are." Splaying her hands out with a grimace as if to demonstrate all the nothing she had. Except one giant, steaming turd of a shitty situation, where she effectively had exiled herself from her entire race, lost a home, several friends and now had to contend with the question of whether it was worth it. Whether she really did sleep better at night for being far away from cannibals and hedonists and the bloody, chaotic companionship they after all had offered her. Despite her being stiff and awkward and unlike them in temperament or interests, a far cry from the easy grace with which they embraced a freedom she could only dream of.
"I feel insane for debating what should be morally inexcusable like it was nothing but a minor character trait. I keep wondering why I bother with people who don't care about my concerns. And I feel like a fool for missing any of them but... " her jaw worked, stubborn and tense and utterly unhappy, "but I... do. Miss them."
"Long story, then," she murmured, because she might as well tell all of it, if she didn't want to repeat the situation with Thalassa. And after some fumbling for a place to start, she went all the way back, to what felt like a second birth.
"I spent the years after the War as a statue in the woods, until Danta found me. It was hard to adjust, both to having a real body again, and to the ways the Grounds had changed from what I knew. I struggled with the bloodlust, with another change of divine allegiance, and while I made some friends I never quite... felt like I fit in." Her story unfurled in cadance with the ringing pickaxe, interrupted only briefly when she changed spot to avoid stray rocks from hitting her.
"One of those friends has a... shall we say... colorful past. His dietary choices are rather extreme, and I struggled to accept them from the start, but was told that he didn't indulge his appetites anymore. About two years ago I found out that it wasn't true. I caught him in the act of torturing a criminal, and we argued. Later, I sought him out to apologise for some of the things I said, but instead of fixing anything, it just got worse. He panicked after I accidentally triggered a trauma of his, and when I followed to try and help, he attacked me. Mostly to get away, I think. Not realizing that at the time though, I kept beating him back, until we were both bruised and exhausted. I kept saying stupid shit, just letting my tongue run, and... it ended about as badly as it started." Reluctant yet determined not to leave anything out, she described the conversations, her request to be held in check lest she succumb to the dark tendencies she feared in herself, his answering threat to kill her, and the listless suggestion that he should go ahead.
"We haven't spoken since then. Danta banished me from the Last Whisper, I tried apologising through letters but it's... probably hopeless to expect any forgiveness at this point. When I told Thalassa about all of this, I left some stuff out and kept a few of the details vague because she's friends with the guy, she didn't want to get involved, and I... felt so shitty about a lot of it that I didn't want to drag it up again. Didn't think it mattered.
"But, apparently it did. A few days ago she came to my house, practically scorching the ground with anger, demanding to know why I hadn't told her everything, why I was being mean to her friend, why I don't care about our friendship..."
Bringing her hands up to her face, Maea pressed the butt of her palms against her eyes. Made them sting, sending flashes parading across her vision – wishing she could cry about it, but had worried herself numb to all emotions save a deep, leaden chill that wrapped around her spine.
"We almost managed to settle the matter, agreeing to disagree about our common acquaintance, but then - as usually not knowing when to stop talking ‐ I said that I would keep my distance from the other ancients for my own peace of mind. And she took that personally, wondering if it included her as well. And I... couldn't find a good answer to give her. She left, saying I knew where to find her when I got lonely, and I let my temper get the better of me. Said I'd rather be alone than in the wrong company... and now here we are." Splaying her hands out with a grimace as if to demonstrate all the nothing she had. Except one giant, steaming turd of a shitty situation, where she effectively had exiled herself from her entire race, lost a home, several friends and now had to contend with the question of whether it was worth it. Whether she really did sleep better at night for being far away from cannibals and hedonists and the bloody, chaotic companionship they after all had offered her. Despite her being stiff and awkward and unlike them in temperament or interests, a far cry from the easy grace with which they embraced a freedom she could only dream of.
"I feel insane for debating what should be morally inexcusable like it was nothing but a minor character trait. I keep wondering why I bother with people who don't care about my concerns. And I feel like a fool for missing any of them but... " her jaw worked, stubborn and tense and utterly unhappy, "but I... do. Miss them."
Maea
// They called me weak, like I'm not just somebody's daughter //
