I would rather be dead

The white sheep of the family

Loren let out a huff of laughter. "Yeah, well I apologized and you told me not to bother." Spreading his arms once more, his eyes bored into Remi's. "But if you changed your mind about that, I'm sorry. I would make it up to you, if I could." Despite the cold anger in the words, the healer was speaking the truth.

However, his eyes narrowed. "Yes, well, I tried to put distance between us and that just hurt you too. So again, I ask, what was I supposed to do?" He smirked at the alchemist. "It's easy to sit in judgment. Hard to actually have the answers. Take it from someone who knows that, intimately."

Expression darkening, the Launceleyn reached out to poke an accusatory finger into the other man's chest. "That version of me. The one with good in him." Leaning forward, the Launceleyn dropped his voice to a real whisper. "He never existed."

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

it doesn't matter where you roam, when no one's left to call you home

"Ah yes. That sounds just like the sort of thing I'd say." Remi said with a shake of his head. Truth or not, Loren's posture and actions always spoke louder than his words ever could.

Though Loren probably thought he'd backed Remi into a corner, the alchemist merely met the challenge with a soft sigh. "You were supposed to be kind, Loren." He replied with an exasperated sigh. "But you weren't. You made decisions for me without asking, you got a god to help forget me, you couldn't show me the same forgiveness I gave you." Remi ran a hand through his curls. "But every step of the way you were defensive and cold, even in your honesty you were bitter and resentful."

As Loren poked Remi, the alchemist's jaw tensed. As he leaned in, Remi raised his chin slightly, glaring past Loren's shoulder. "Don't touch me, Loren." He warned in a voice like roughened steel as his gaze snapped to Loren's.

i might have strained a bit too far, i'm countin' all the moonlit stars

The white sheep of the family

Raising a hand, Loren started ticking off his fingers. "Warm, kind, open, forgiving, honest, thoughtful, accepting, encouraging. All without a trace of exasperation or hurt." Dropping his arm, he felt his hands clenching into fists again. "Perfect. Ideal. Do you know how impossible it is to live up to a perfect ideal?" His voice came out softly, but his eyes glittered suddenly with sorrow rather than anger.

However, they flashed with a chilly rage at Remi's own hostile posture. "Or what." The words came out as a drawled and sarcastic challenge. Letting out a huff of laughter, he shook his head mockingly. "It's funny, hearing that from the married man who asked me to kiss him."

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

it doesn't matter where you roam, when no one's left to call you home

"You don't get to just re-write history now to suit yourself Loren. That isn't how it went." The alchemist said, head shaking again. "I'm not here to belabour the past again. You can blame it on me all you want. Or blame it on yourself and act the hero for carrying around the weight of my expectations. Whatever you need to tell yourself."

Smirking softly into Loren's sneer, Remi merely returned the stare easily. "Don't start what you can't finish Loren." He replied icily. Narrowing his eyes, he searched Loren's expression for some hint of an explanation but found none. "Still you're on about that. You're the only one of the three of us who seems to care, so lets have it then Loren. Why all the fuss? It was what everyone was thinking. Loren and Remi, Remi and Loren. Surely they must still want each other. That was the whole of it. Are you so offended because it meant so little to me? To Ronin?"

i might have strained a bit too far, i'm countin' all the moonlit stars

The white sheep of the family

"Maybe not." Loren's jaw feathered with tension. "But that's how it felt. To me, regardless of the reality of the situation. That no matter what I did, I was always going to end up a disappointment in your eyes." Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair. "But fine. The past is the past. Let's just...drop it." He suddenly very much wanted to leave it behind, and the truth of that rang through their link.

However, at Remi's smirk and those words the healer practically exploded. Knowing it was futile and knowing it would just end in pain, he shoved at the alchemist's chest. "Who the fuck cares what everyone else thought? I wasn't thinking that. I didn't want that. And you knew that. You knew that I just didn't want to hurt you, or Ronin" The Launceleyn's words came out in a furious rush, even as tears sprang to his eyes. "I'm not offended that you and Ronin made your peace with it. I'm glad you managed that."

He took a deep, shuddering breath. "I'm offended because all I wanted was to be your friend."

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

it doesn't matter where you roam, when no one's left to call you home

Fury crackled through the bond, Remi's teeth sliding against one another as he was shoved. He took a step back and a deep breath as well, feeling himself salivate ever so slightly at the mental image of giving Loren a matching scar across his throat.

'You keep saying you didn't want to hurt us as if every other thing you did didn't do just that. If I never hear those words from you again Loren, it would be too soon. Maybe you truly believe it, but your actions never bore that out."  As Loren continued and tears sprang into his eyes, it only fueled Remi's anger. "Maybe you weren't the only one who needed to know they could say no." He snarled, stepping forward to retake the ground between them.

"Again Loren. What you say you want and how you've treated me are two radically different things."

i might have strained a bit too far, i'm countin' all the moonlit stars

The white sheep of the family

The anger and sorrow bled out of Loren and left disgust in its place. At the world, at Remi, but most of all the healer was disgusted with himself. ”You’re right.” It was a simple and exhausted sounding admission.

Taking a deep breath, forcing himself to relax, he clasped his hands behind his back. ”So what now?” His voice was quiet, and the morass of self-loathing that permeated his soul these days welled up, spilled over to the bond.

Reaching down to his pocket, he pulled out another full flask. Unscrewing it, he tossed his head back, ignoring Astra’s concerned bleat. The alcohol burned as it slid down his throat, but at least it was a distraction.

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

it doesn't matter where you roam, when no one's left to call you home

"Now? Now nothing. We aren't friends, probably haven't been since you returned if we ever were before. My husband all but hates you given all you've done, and word on the beach is that you and Neron and Zariah are Launceleyning Halo. Why you're even here, I don't know." 'Here' being Torchline or the Fingers hardly seemed to matter. Where once the alchemist had been a neverending font of warmth and forgiveness, even when it came to Loren, now he was entirely dry.  He'd been free with his love and affection and it hadn't been enough to save his daughter. Now, he'd much more careful to whom he showed that side of himself.

Rolling his eyes at the alcohol, Remi gave Loren another disappointed stare. "I'd ask how much longer you're going to continue drinking yourself into an early grave, but I'm sure that will sound too close to me SoUnDinG lIkE I'm CarIng, so I'll just let you get on with it. Looks like you're well on your way to ruining yet another relationship, so well done." That relationship, of course being the one with Astra.

i might have strained a bit too far, i'm countin' all the moonlit stars

The white sheep of the family

As Remi spoke, Loren sighed. Moving towards the wall again, he slumped against it, letting his back slide down until he was sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest. "I'm just...I don't know." He shrugged. "I don't know either." Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes.

Opening them, he lifted the flask. However, at the alchemist's words the healer paused with it halfway to his lips. "It's beter then feeling numb. At least this way I feel something." However, he flinched at the other man's accusation. Once again, Loren screwed his eyes shut, though this time he set the flask on the ground. "Come here Astra." Although he moved to rest his forehead on his knees, he spread one arm for her.

She trotted forward, pressing herself against him. He hugged her tight, just sitting there. Letting out another one of those anxious bleats, she looked between him and Remi.

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

it doesn't matter where you roam, when no one's left to call you home

Remi just watched this with a disinterested stare. This whole routine of hostility, anger, then mopping around, was just Loren all over. It was a cycle he'd watched the Launceleyn go through again and again, despite promises of changing.

"That's bullshit and you know it." The alchemist pointed out. Not so long ago Remi was going through life mostly drunk and fully embracing being an asshole. But at least he had the self-respect to own his self-destruction, rather than passing it off as justifiable as Loren was doing.

"You do know she's in your mind, right? The more you let your thoughts become toxic, the more you affect her."

i might have strained a bit too far, i'm countin' all the moonlit stars

The white sheep of the family

Letting out a bitter and humorless laugh at Remi's comment, Loren shrugged. "Is it? Do I?" Lifting his head, his eyes sought out the alchemist's. "So that emptiness, that dullness you saw in me before. You think that's better for me? A better way to live?" The healer shook his head and lowered his chin to his knees. "Because I don't." It came out quietly, spoken more to himself than the other man.

"Of course I know that." It came out more as a snarl than actual words. And then Loren let his mental walls fall completely, shoved the venomous mix of self-loathing, of grief, of anger through the bond with Remi.

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

it doesn't matter where you roam, when no one's left to call you home

"This is you all over Loren. Acting like you're so unique in your pain and suffering when the truth of it is, the only thing unique is how poorly you constantly handle everything. You're dull and lonely because you're an asshole most of the time who thinks he knows so much better than everyone else, which is why you're always so devastated and sulky when you things wrong."

Feeling the blasts of negativity from the Launceleyn only had Remi pulsing an unmoved breath through his nose. "Go kill yourself then Loren. Why bother with the slow descent. If you're so hopeless and worthless, just be done." Mean as it was, in a round-about-way this was a vague attempt on Remi's part at being helpful. It was only when Ludo truly offered to take him out of the world that the alchemist realized he had a reason to stay in it.

Claws sprang from Remi's fingers as he raised a brow at the crumpled skeleton of a man before him. "I'll even help."

i might have strained a bit too far, i'm countin' all the moonlit stars

The white sheep of the family

For a moment, rage flared within Loren as Remi, of all people, lectured the healer on how to deal with grief. However, it snuffed out as quickly as it appeared. Indeed, the emotion drained out of him, almost entirely, leaving just the dangerous buzz of the alcohol tingling in his veins.

Throwing his head back, letting it slam against the cavern wall, he stared at Remi. Then the Launceleyn lifted his hand. A blade of ice appeared in it and with a swift and certain motion he cut his throat.

Blood sprayed out.

Astra went crazy, springing to her feet and bleating. She pressed herself against him, as if to stop the flow of crimson, to stop his descent into madness. It was only that, and the waves of panic he felt from her that caused him not to just let it happen, to call upon a thread of his healing magic to slow the blood, knit the wound closed slightly, though not entirely.

Just enough to keep him from dying.

Will blood tell

Coding base by Sky!

it doesn't matter where you roam, when no one's left to call you home

If Remi was meant to be moved by this, he wasn't. He'd seen enough death, had poured out all he once had for Loren time and time again. Watching as Astra's fur darkened and became stained with crimson, Remi watched the thin thread of healing that knit the Launceleyn's throat together with a silent stare.

"Just as selfish as always Loren. You'd kill yourself and leave Astra like this? But now you've not even done that. Just left her with the trauma of knowing that you would have. Making her feel what you feel and see this." He shook his head. At least when he'd tried to kill himself, he'd been earnest about it.

'The most disappointing part of all of this Loren is that I can hear you now, going on about how you tried to kill yourself in your grief. Wearing this scar as yet another badge to show just how hard a life you've had it." The difference between the two men, was that Remi's scars were silent. He owned them and didn't wear them like a tapestry of excuses for his shitty behaviour as Loren did.

"Die Loren, or don't. You've ability to do either." The alchemist said, arms folding now across his chest.

i might have strained a bit too far, i'm countin' all the moonlit stars