Hotaru
we're not lovers, we're just strangers
with the same damn hunger
with the same damn hunger
Her appreciation for his held tongue is a visceral thing, one that permeates the bond in the way many unspoken things do; with cast-aside gazes and shared understanding of the looming presence being ignored. That she is standing here, still as yet unbroken and having not already given into the tempest of her emotions, should be proof enough of how she has grown. Or so she hopes he will interpret it. Somehow she feels both all the more broken than the first time, but also all the stronger in standing against the tide. How? It's an impossibility she doesn't have the bandwidth to remotely begin to unravel.
"Yes, as a gesture to show that regardless of our roles as Frey demigods, or our history - that it meant only I held his heart." Literally, as he could put together. It hurts to explain the why and how given what she has just shared. So much for the perseverance of that sentiment, right? "I'm tired of trying to place the pieces of who he told, what he did to try and find me, when his heart died in that timeline. I...I don't care, Dei. Clearly it doesn't matter." And the bitterness of her quiet assumptions is at least a familiar balm. A part of her that had shrunk but never vanished amidst all the maturing and open-mindedness - those things that are all well and good but no use when you want to cry and rage at the world.
Which brings her around to the 'wanting' part.
"I want to start over," slips numbly past a cottony tongue, eyes vacantly focused somewhere near Deimos' heart. "Nobody knows my name or my history these days. I realized that during all of this. And...I think I like that." Her head tilts infinitesimally, like the earliest signs of predatory instincts coming to life. "A blank slate. Figuring out what parts of me should stay gone, and what parts were tied to the life I was trying to build with one man, a plan that didn't expand much further than him." For better or worse, for Ru would always and forever love with a single-minded, obsessive intensity. Even her platonic love, as Deimos knows firsthand.
"And then find out where the Frey parts fit in too. Because self-exploration is vile, and purpose helps." At least until she finds a greater one. Shrugging her thin shoulders, Ru blinks and the fog clears, allowing her to find Deimos' eyes properly. "Lots of half-baked plans, career changes, mischief and chaos...I don't want to sit in the hurt for too long. I'm afraid I won't find my way out a second time if I do." Honesty that only Deimos is allowed. Vulnerability she knows she can afford without fear of harm or regret.
"Yes, as a gesture to show that regardless of our roles as Frey demigods, or our history - that it meant only I held his heart." Literally, as he could put together. It hurts to explain the why and how given what she has just shared. So much for the perseverance of that sentiment, right? "I'm tired of trying to place the pieces of who he told, what he did to try and find me, when his heart died in that timeline. I...I don't care, Dei. Clearly it doesn't matter." And the bitterness of her quiet assumptions is at least a familiar balm. A part of her that had shrunk but never vanished amidst all the maturing and open-mindedness - those things that are all well and good but no use when you want to cry and rage at the world.
Which brings her around to the 'wanting' part.
"I want to start over," slips numbly past a cottony tongue, eyes vacantly focused somewhere near Deimos' heart. "Nobody knows my name or my history these days. I realized that during all of this. And...I think I like that." Her head tilts infinitesimally, like the earliest signs of predatory instincts coming to life. "A blank slate. Figuring out what parts of me should stay gone, and what parts were tied to the life I was trying to build with one man, a plan that didn't expand much further than him." For better or worse, for Ru would always and forever love with a single-minded, obsessive intensity. Even her platonic love, as Deimos knows firsthand.
"And then find out where the Frey parts fit in too. Because self-exploration is vile, and purpose helps." At least until she finds a greater one. Shrugging her thin shoulders, Ru blinks and the fog clears, allowing her to find Deimos' eyes properly. "Lots of half-baked plans, career changes, mischief and chaos...I don't want to sit in the hurt for too long. I'm afraid I won't find my way out a second time if I do." Honesty that only Deimos is allowed. Vulnerability she knows she can afford without fear of harm or regret.
to be touched, to be loved
to feel anything at all
to feel anything at all
